6 Word Story:

As always, just finding my way.

Riddle Me This: Art List Style

So I have a lot I would like to accomplish. I've decided this blog will be about what I need to finish in the coming weeks with deadlines and such. I will tag this so I can reference it as it moves down the list. Wish me luck and Watch me do it!

Caffeine Supreme - Set up some paintings & VOW's prints: August 7th 9:am-2:pm (maybe)

Vessels - Bakersfield Museum of Art Drop: August 9th & 10 9:am- 4:pm

Kern County Fair - Entry Forms Due: August 13th

Aluminum Heart - San Joaquin Valley Hospital 100th Gala Event Due: August 13th

Bicycles as Transportation - Kern Transportation Due: ???

Kern Valley Festival - Due: ???

Kern County Fair Photos Due: September 14th

Kern County Fair Baked Stuff Due: Still not sure I'm up for this, we'll see.

Burn the Witch VI/Spotlight Theater Drop: Nov. 1st (Opening Nov. 6th)

Oildorado - Octoberish

Theme, Open - Juliana's Art Studio/B.E.C.A. Group Show Drop: TBD (Opening Oct. 16th)

Opposites - Micro Gallery Drop: December 10

Color Me Mine Projects on Hold:
~Cess Platter
~Sunset/Night Bank
~Gnome

Glass Projects on Hold:
~Dark Tinted Vase
~2 mini wine bottles
~1 regular wine bottle for Adam
~1 glass jar

Misc. Tree other paintings...

*phew*!!!

The Fluttering that Ensues & First Kisses

So I'm sitting at work (big surprise) and taking care of some billing. I'm multi-tasking on Facebook as well. <-- another big surprise. Anywhoodle, for what ever reason I start reminiscing first kisses, well, truth be told, one in particular.

We were standing there and kept having those "long look into my eyes" moments. Then the awkward smile and a quick change of subject. We went round and round this way for quite some time. She finally looked at me and put her hand in mine and said, "I want to kiss you but I want it to be just right and I don't think tonight is the night."

I smiled, a little bummed but completely understanding about it wanting to be just right. She asked me what I thought about that and I simply replied, "I'm always so nervous about the 1st kiss, it tells so much and I always over think it... " by this point I'm rambling. She smiled so cutely at me and before I knew it, she picked up my hand to her lips, kissed it (you can't see this but I'm looking at the spot on my left hand right now) and said, "There. Now we've had our 1st kiss."

One of the sweetest things ever... it was soft and sweet and as sincere as a gentlemyn opening a door for a lady. Quite unforgettable indeed. I thank you for that 1st kiss. I'll always keep that one close.

6ws:

"Waking up is the hardest part"

Thanks for spinning this and giving me my smile, Tee.

Sidebar:

I've just realized, I'm blocked from writing 6ws. I haven't posted one since she told me. Nothing has inspired me. Looks like my muse is a little heart broken too...

"When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way,
implicitly and unquestionable."

I read this, and it struck something in me. I'm sure this is part of the pain I'm feeling right now. The pain of someone close to you going away. I've been spoiled by our closeness and as it seems odd that it will be gone for a time being, I have to remember, it's not permanent. I think somewhere in my thinking, I forgot that one single fact. Also, it's not forever.

I will be left to my artistic devices, my creative flow, my ability to set up "my way." I'm beginning to wonder if 30 days will be long enough to get everything done that I want. *laughs and smiles quite a lot at the idea of this*

I believe in something, implicitly and unquestioning... it's a nice feeling, I'm going to hold this close on the 'tough' days. They can't all be hearts & rainbow sprinkles but I'm ready to try :o)

NanoWriMo Facebook Challenge

I love this idea of this challenge. Today they put out a mini challenge. It was fun. All you had to do was click on the Random.com link to generate a random number from 1-100. Then you had to post a story with the number given. I was given 8. Here was my story:

"The beginning. Words in the middle. The End."

It just popped right into my head. I'm kind of in love with it. AND people keep clicking the "Like" button on it which is wicked cool.

Compliment

Mary gave me one of the most wonderful comments I've ever received:

"You remind me of a Disney character."

Talk about absolutely making my heart all a twitter, so cute. Thank you so much for that.

And she said to me in the smallest of voices, "Please keep me."

My heart literally skipped a beat and melted all in one swoop. My response was led with a smile and the words that escaped my lips to reassure her, "As long as you'll let me." A kiss to seal it and make me fall just a little more for her.

My hand went naturally on top of her heart and lightly started to pitter-pat, pitter pat. Feelings are running deep, deeper than even I realized.

~exert from: Double Crossing

Heart Strings

My mom called me just a little while ago. I haven't seen her in over a week. I've been tired and working a lot. I was further behind on my job then even I truly realized. My thoughts that I was getting close to being caught up were quite false. I had piles of back work in different places. Much of it just takes time, time that I don't really have. Each day I have a plan but that basically gets blown to bits within about 2 hours of arriving at work. There is just a multitude of things going on around here and even though I had a very gracious reprieve with all things that went on with my mom... well that reprieve is gone now. Now I need to deal with all things that have been put off. I don't mind doing it, don't get me wrong. These guys have done SOOO much for me over the years, it's truly amazing. I am ready to step up now that my head is back on straight and get this all fixed. The problem is my sanity. I have to let go of all the fun stuff to get this stuff done. I feel like I'm starting to fail my friends and I don't like that at all. I miss having fun and not feeling guilty about it. Hopefully, that last incident on Saturday night will be the last mishap of that kind.

So topic at hand, my mom. She called to see how I was doing. She knew I was busy and said she misses me a lot. *insert tears here* However, at the same time, she said it can be hard to see me because she feels like she isn't who I need her to be anymore. *insert most horrible feeling ever* If in any way I've conveyed a look of sadness toward her, well that feels so unforgivable. Yeah, it's hard to see her so feeble but she isn't a failure to me. I don't hold any ill feelings to her. *hangs head*

So far, it's a rough start to another week. I do NOT want a repeat of last week. I mean I had some amazing pick me ups. Teri, you absolutely saved me so many times, I can't even imagine how much worse it could've been if you hadn't been naturally, wonderful you. I'm enjoying getting to know you. Thank you, once again. I feel like I should have a blinking neon sign that just says Thank You over and over.

My mom invited me to dinner tomorrow night. She said "I'd really like to see you. I know you're really busy and I'll understand if you can't but if you can find some time, that would be great." *sinking, awful feeling here* If I can find time for my mom (family)? Where the F*#& have my priorties gone? I've become way too obsessed with work. I forgot how to "leave it at the office." That will change, starting today.

*jumps at Balance* I'm on it. Gonna find a good place to be again, I miss it and I'm looking forward to walking it, side by side this time...

6 Word Story:

"Believes to Found... My Only Exception"

6 Word Story

"I'm on my way to believe"

6 Word Story:

"Headed Upward; Ended Up Face Planting"

A New 4th of July

I know the only constant in life is change. It's a hard but true fact. I've been spoiled for 32 years of a constant. I say I embrace change and doing things outside of my box but I'm beginning to see that I only did that on a light level. My mom has always made sure that no holiday goes unnoticed and without some kind of party. 4th of July is the first of these trials. There wasn't the 30+ family, pool party, gaming extravaganza that usually would occur. My mom wanted nothing. She is on an up but still not ready for something of that magnitude. My bestie and my God-daughter were also not here... life just caught up with them and I won't see them till Christmas, hopefully. I'm going to try to get out there in the fall, I'm dying inside a little without K.C. I miss her terribly and even though we pick up the phone more, I really do miss her being a short drive away...

Tee's family has adopted me whole-heartily and it still amazes me. It's such a great feeling to feel so welcome. Her sister and b/f made some amazing food. It always feels so good to be within their presence. I love the teasing, the smiles and the stories. I'm blessed by them over and over. Playing Scene it and winning by a spread of 50,000 points with Tee as my partner wasn't too bad either *giggles* Desserts were shared and it was just an overall great time.

There was still this little part of me that wonders if holidays will ever be the same again. Not that I don't appreciate or absolutely love where I was because I did (reread above if you think otherwise). I'm wondering about the holiday of all holidays though... the one thing I've counted on since I was 10. I knew this year would be different anyway with friends having gone separate ways but the idea of the night before All-Hallows-Eve not occurring almost makes me not look forward to my pride of every year... Halloween. The night before is just as pivotal as the actual night itself. There is this tiny part of me that prays with everything I have that she'll still want that day... please oh please, let her want that day again... because if anything could truly break my heart, her saying she can't do it anymore, would definitely be the thing that would do it. The planning we do, the laughs we share, the memories I thrive on making... would be no more. I'm sitting here in tears at the very idea of that not happening... I have to stop for now.

6 Word Story

"That Kiss... Tattooed Unto My Soul."

6 Word Story:

"To me: You inspired every word"

Controlled Cancer

This is what it's called for the 3 months after you finish your treatments of Chemo and Radiation.  Today marks the last day of radiation till September.  She will be tested again, then we get to call it remission :o)

I wanted to blog my FB post to keep in memory.  I didn't blog very much as far as all that we went through.  I won't need to recall posts for the feelings I've had.  I won't forget them ever.  I have learned a lot and am set on a very good path now.  I do need to walk lightly because right now I'm feeling unstoppable and that can be a recipe for disaster.

Mommie, you should be finishing your last radiation right now... I ♥ You.
:::deep, loving sigh:::

6 Word Story:

Unblocking the Artist, it's Darke Time

6 Word Story:

Sometimes when you fall... stay there.

6 Word Story:

Looking for another reason to breath

6 Word Story:

Did I mention I enjoy us?

6 Word Story:

I'm in Love With an Idea

6 Word Story:

Time for Sleep; Sun Is Rising

6 Word Story:

Handed Me Keys; Exploring Your Heart

Part II

Taking my Time; Finding Our Smiles

6 Word Story:

Empath; My Shoulder Carries Your Pain

6 Word Story:

Feelings Inside; Mine Alone, No Pitty

6 Word Story:

7 shots; no end in sight

6 Word Story:

"Smile; I'm having a human moment"

Good is Good

"Love’s on your list of things to do
To bring your good luck back to you
And if you think that everything’s unfair
Would you care if you’re the last one standing there" 


Intentions.  We all have them.  Good ones, bad ones, small ones, big ones.  Wait.  I'm about to go all Dr. Seuss here.

6 Word Story:

My System of Order through Chaos

6 Word Story:

Before you Love, You Should Learn

"There are people who hurt their best friend and when asked why they say they don't know, and they really don't."

This was in a reply from a post of a friend on FB.  It struck my thinkie spot so I wanted to blog it.

So much pain... it's surfacing and there isn't a bottle in sight.

I want to go home.

Fires Burn On

When you wake up to fire alarms going off in your house, that's probably a pretty good indication as to how your day is going to go.  Just because one is put out, doesn't mean another one isn't on the back burner ready to ignite and unleash slowly into your day.

In this case, it kinda just unleashes through your soul, slowly spreading, taking its time and making sure to hit every single, little spot along the way. 

Made its mark, don't forget, heading forward once again, out of the House of Self-Undoing.  You put your foot in it, now keep it out.

6 Word Story:

Black or Blank Canvas: Any Difference?

6 Word Story:

Just Can't Compete With the Past

6 Word Story:

Take Chances, Embrace Love, Kiss Slowly

6 Word Story:

Watching Her Light Bulb Go On

6 Word Story:

Do you feel what I feel?

                           "Uneven balance of strength and peace" 

                                photo by Teri Webb

I like to write.  I've taken a few classes but dabble mostly on my own time.  My mind is either going to help me get it down correctly or it's not.  I can't force it and usually what comes out pleases me.  One of my personal favs for writing exercises is to take a pic and write about it.  Poem, story, some dialogue, whatever is inspired.  My Tee took this pic and I have an affliction for things of a darker nature.  I couldn't help but notice how much more darke there was in this photo than light, so here is how that came to be...

The sky faeries were quite busy today prepping the sky for the night yet to come. The thought being the reflections of the sunset would place some fantastic pinks, oranges and reds on the clouds.  Of course, the sky sprites had other ideas, looming, darke ideas.  The faeries love to start at the top or mid sky and work their way down.  The notion being that if they begin their work upwards then toward the ground, once they finish, they can lay in the grass or the trees and admire their work.

Madalyne gathered her friends and off they went, wands in hands, transforming the sky with swashes of white, like a paint roller, leaving bits of blue to peak through.  The faeries were in great form tonight, leaving stair looking clouds, bridges, of course cloud animals for those creative enough to take the time and find them and so many great splashes of white it was hard to decide which way to look.  They finished up and napped in the trees with the wind swaying them to sleep while they waited for the decent of the sun.

Emily grabbed her friends and so began the counter to Madalyne & the other faeries hard work.  Working upwards, the sprites took their wands and like giant erasures, started covering and masking the white clouds.  The time they had to undo all that had been done is short and covering up everything isn't their prime motive.  They just like to add some extra flair.  The thought being that not everything is so pretty and rosy all the time, nothing wrong with a little darke to shadow the light.  A few extra strokes into the white and they were done.  Now they fly to the sides to watch the faeries reaction as they awake from their nap.

Natalye noticed it first and screamed, awaking all the other faeries.

"THEY did it AGAIN, Madalyne!" she screeched as she noticed her duckie had been covered up with a darke grey blob.

"Natalye, we know they do this almost everyday.  You know that this is the bidding of the sprites and that we must enjoy the act of what we do and not the actual outcome when the sun finally kisses whatever is left of our work, that is only ever a bonus and should not be counted upon to give us self satisfaction." Madalyne said with the most gentleness a voice could offer.  

Natalye is still very new and takes the bidding of the sprites so very personal but deep inside she knew Madalyne was right and let a little smile creep across her face.  Madalyne is so good at soothing her.  The faeries gathered around watching as the hues of the sunset start to bounce and touch what was left.  The sprites watched from afar, scowling at the ease of the attitudes from the faeries.

"Nothing bothers them and if it does, that Madalyne always fixes it!" One of the sprites growled.

"Do not worry, Madalyne won't be around forever... there will come a time when the faeries will give up and the skies will sing only of darkeness and grey clouds.  For now, we carry on waiting for our moment," said Emily in a low, raspy voice.

Emily was more right then she knew at that moment, Madalyne's time as Head Goddess of the Faeries would soon come to an end...

 

6 Word Story:

All over the map with you

I'm Pathetic

Cancer Diaries: Session (Week 2) of Radiation/Chemo/Iron Infusion

Typing those words above, make me wince and want to punch things.  I decided to take the day off to spend it with my mom on her BIG day.  Every Thursday she has to get her Chemo pack switched out, Radiation (well that is daily) and an Iron Infusion (which she is now done with, well for this minute).  She also meets with 2 of her doctors and gets her prescriptions reanalyzed.  It's a big day basically.

I want/need to be apart of what is going on so I wanted to tag along.  I go into things with such an open mind.  I try to not think the worst and keep hope at the forefront of my thoughts.  I arrived to find her already getting her Iron Infusion and resting.  Most people have good spirits and it's comforting to see.  My mom is still and I'm sure will be for a very long time, in an adjustment period.  Her moods are low and I can't say I blame her but it very out of character for her at the same time.  I'm her apple and any of you know how stubborn, determined and tunnel visioned I can be when I have my mind set on something.  I can command a room or sit in a corner to observe.  I don't ask for help, I am asked upon by others for help.  I have drive, a will to fight and an ability to love so very deep and with such passion it almost hurts at times.  These qualities my mom possesses and has bestowed and blessed me with almost seem now like they were passed off to me and not so much handed down now.

I watch her.  A lot.  I see her but it's not her.  This woman is quiet, soft spoken, weakened and at times, very lifeless.  I understand that this process is ridiculously tough.  More than ever now, I've seen how it's dug in and reduced my mom to the shell that she sits in currently.  I want my mom back.  I have to wonder if she will every really be back.  I can tell myself "someday" but there is this inkling of doubt in me that really wonders if someday will ever come.  I'm tucking that thought away, far, far away.  I refuse to let it consume me and push hope aside.

As she walked through the building yesterday and saw the other people going through their treatment, she looked at my aunt and said, 

"I wish I was strong like them.  I'm pathetic."  

My aunt looked at her and said, "WHAT did you JUST say?"

My mom repeated it again and I knew my aunt just wanted to unleash on her.  In a calmer voice than she wanted but still quite stern, she replied," You CAN and ARE just as strong as anyone else here.  You ARE NOT PATHETIC and don't ever say that again."

My mom just sat there quietly.

Now even at this moment, I'm crying.  To feel so defeated, so low, so helpless... that you could utter those words with such intent behind them.  *shakes head* I knew that it would get worse but that small voice she speaks with now... ~speechless~

Mom, someday I may show this to you.  Please know that you were always in my thoughts and I only ever wanted to fix every ounce of pain, every bit of sadness, every negative thing you were feeling, I wish more than anything I could've taken it on myself for you.  I'd have done it mom, as much as I hate needles, doctors, throwing up... I'd have taken it with no hesitation, no reservation.  I love you.  I love us and I'm waiting for the day we can walk the fairway together again.

6 Word Story:

Artists use lies to show truth

Long Beach Pride

I'm still amazed at the entire weekend.  Roomie's sis' is an amazing person, her generosity would make any person speechless and left with a sense of awe.  There is a more specific thing that happened though, she reminded me what it was like to smile again and not feel guilty about it.  I laugh a lot, I put on a great front, hell before said illness with my mom, I was the poster child for turning ANY situation positive.  Some times, I even annoyed myself with it.  

My giggles, my smiles come with a cost now.  Guilt.  Not that anyone has imposed this on me, this is purely self-inflicted.  Afterall, we are our own worst enemy.  I laugh for this minute but it's always just a matter of time before my mind travels to my moms side and knows that she is battling something at that very moment; nausea, vomiting, trying to eat actual food, walking... you get the idea.  So how dare I enjoy myself or laugh when she is going through a life-changing fight for her life?  HOW?

I was introduced to Segways this weekend.  I have to say, if I owned one of those, I'd probably never walk or run again.  They are amazingly fun and are better than driving.  Riding them along the beach was fantastic, the fresh salty wind blowing in my face, surrounded by great company and listening to my iPod in one ear.  Somewhere in that moment I realized that the world really does keep spinning even though you might be at a place where your feet feel cemented to the ground.  AND as the world keeps moving, you really need to too, if you don't, you've stopped living life and what a waste that is.

So I was given more than just an awesome weekend out of town, I was given some of what makes me, well me back.  To that, I'm grateful beyond words.  But, Thank You none the less...

Here is what mused from you CS:

We must keep breathing, 

even when it hurts.

We must keep moving, 

even when we want to lay down

We must keep smiling,

even when we just want to cry.

We must keep giving our all,

even when we want to quit.

We must keep talking

even when we want to bury it deep inside.

We must stay strong, not just for ourselves but also for those around us,

even when ignoring what is happening appears easier.

We must keep loving,

even when staying alone seems safer.

6 Word Story:

Fading Away; Guess it can't be.

6 Word Story:

Ending Alone; Where's my fairy tale?

6 Word Story:

Do I stay or run away?

Jumbled Thoughts

*This one is going to need a clause on it.  It's going to have a lot of random sentences, some may make sense and others may be complete non-sense.  This is very much a journal entry and to serve as a reminder for me.  No, I don't want to discuss it.  Thank you.*

I'm learning more and more about myself and how 'fucked' up my minds inner workings are. I wish myself luck on this... I don't want to ever be called out again like that.

Ever get kicked in the stomach from across the room without even being physically touched?  I think it hurts more than actually being kicked in the stomach with an actual foot.

When does taking care of me, my needs and desires step over the line into selfishness beyond all belief?  Some people tell you to take care of yourself, do what's right for you... but how far can that go before other people call you a selfish, inconsiderate bitch?  Perception... it's like relativity, different from one person to the next and their views on the world.

Good enough for that but not good enough for the binding part.  I still can't wrap my mind around all of it.  I don't think I'm capable of understanding it at the juncture, at this moment now, it's very consuming and I have another focus right now.  A few actually, I let my UnDoing take over too long, not sure of the true damage done but the next couple weeks will tell me.

I've been in Wonderland too long, time to crawl back up that hole and figure out what is real again.  

Harmony & Balance ---find me, please.

6 Word Story:

When the words stop, Still Nothing?

17 hours of Work; Awake for 40.5 hours total

With all the happenings with my mom and her extended stay at the hospital, I missed a lot of work in March and April.  Then I decided to get sick and missed some days for that as well.  Lack of drive and a few weeks later and I was severely behind at work.  A lot of patience from my bosses which is nice but for my sanity I really needed to get caught up and back on a  good, solid schedule.  Enter my decision for Monday night.  I decided to come in around 8 or 9:pm and work till midnight or 1:am.  I'm usually up that late anyway, why the hell not?

So got here around 9, got set up and laid some stuff out.  I put everything down on a dry erase board which really put it into perspective and also put a really big "I'm fucked" face on for me.  20 tasks ahead of me, so with my best Super Mario voice, "Here we GO!"

Somewhere about 2:30am I decided I was wide ass awake and on a roll.  I still had a TON to do, I think I only had like 6 tasks knocked off my list at that point.  I was finishing up my 3rd energy drink and decided I should go get some food and more energy drinks if I planned on making it an all nighter.  Jack n the Box and AM/PM rock is all I have to say.  I was workin' along but around 4:30am I got pretty tired, so I napped for about 20ish minutes, woke up and decided to clean out some stuff to help wake me up.  Totally worked.  Same thing happened around 7:am. but by this time I had 12 tasks knocked off my board.

I kept working along and decided billing would have to wait because I was in no way in a good mindset to be working with thousands of cash monies.  I just had to wait for a couple special samples to come in and then I was outta here.  So I worked Monday from 7:30am to 4:30pm, then 9:pm (Monday night) till 2:30pm Tuesday.  I had such a piece of mind walking out of work, it was awesome!

I headed toward home and decided I wanted to tan and take a mini nap.  So I did, slept right through the whole thing and for 10 minutes after it turned off, I might have been tired.  LOL  I headed home and felt a lot better.  I decided to make some seafood enchiladas and mini oreo cheesecakes for a friend.  Yes, I know I'm crazy but being in the kitchen is such a comfort for me and makes me so smiley face.

Finished that up, cleaned up my mess and sat in the office trying to figure out what to do next.  I played around online for a bit and couldn't stop thinking about cameras.  My dad called and mom is doing mega worlds better now that she's sleeping *HUGE SMILES*  YAY MOMMA!

Finally took a shower with my new scrubs (super soothing btw) and relaxed into my p.j.'s.  Trying and trying to get tired.  I felt really relaxed but I couldn't stop reading specs on the D90, D3000 and D5000.  My dad gave me the "all clear" to get which ever one I wanted.  Decided to crawl into bed about 10:30 and watch TV.  Closed my eyes, opened my eyes, closed my eyes... this went on for awhile but I think around midnight I finally got into a spot and fell a sleep.  I woke up stiff and with one helluva headache!  Can you say caffeine hangover?  I knew you could... fuck me sideways that hurt...

So I'm finally better at work, time to do some food prep and get my gym schedule set back up again.  I'm ready for some normalacy again.  

6 Word Story:

Give Love; Not Gonna Run Out

6 Word Story:

Snap Shot: Frozen Moment in Time

Where are you going?

I was proposed with an interesting question the other night from a friend.  She asked me, "Where are you going with love?"  I have to admit, for one of the few times in my life I was speechless.  I opened and closed my mouth like a fish breathing.  I really had nothing.  I had 9 million ways to Tuesday to explain it, until actually asked it aloud, then suddenly, blank.

The funny part of the happenings in my head were that it lead me to one of my favorite DMB songs and at THAT moment, I finally understood what that song meant.  I had a meaning for myself but now it had all changed and this song became even more special to me.

"But I do know one thing, that's where you are is where I belong.  I do know where you go, is where I want to be.  Where are you going?"

Simply stated, he's so in love with love that no matter where she is in life with love, he's in exactly (and happily wants to be) in the same place mind, heart and soul.  LOVE the idea of that...

6 Word Story:

Write it Now or Lose Forever

Rose Colored Spectacles

It's an interesting phrase actually.  I've been told this throughout different times in my life.  I'm not sure I ever really understood it till about 5 minutes ago... and I have to say, what an eye opener.  Loud and clear, noted.

6 Word Story:

She drank so hard; bottle ached.

Respecting What is Asked

I really am putting forth an effort to take care of things in a way that best suits me and the people who choose to be involved in the happenings of my everyday life.  I am watching my mom go through the battle of her life, literally.  Her situation has put a lot of things into perspective for me.  Too little, too late some may say, to those of you who say that... maybe it best we go our separate ways.  We'll always have the memories and for that I can smile for this moment and I thank you for what you have shown me.  I can't have the past hung over my head for the rest of my life, that will hinder my growth and life is too short to have that kind of feeling lingering around.  You are entitled to your feelings, I would never deny you of that.  I can only respect your feelings and we agree to disagree.

I do not want pity.  I get enough of those 'tilted-head' looks as it is.  I just need understanding people in my life and for what ever reason, the universe has given me some amazing people these past few weeks.  I didn't ask, there they were/are, just like that.  Those days when I just want to curl up and give in, well they are becoming fewer and farther between.  I know the battle is long from over but at least I'm trying.

Multiple parties have asked me to do things for their sake and I think I have handled each one of you the best way I can with what I have going on.  I understand that some of you don't agree with my methods as of late but know that I am responding to people who have approached me.  I am doing my best.  That may not be good enough for you and I'm sorry for that.  I really truly am.  I've been carrying anger and I haven't done that in years.  I realized it yesterday and it made me sad, really sad.  I can't do that.  I refuse to be THAT girl again.  I have enough on my plate and adding angry girl isn't going to make any of it easier.

Just know that I love each of you and I'm here but I'm respecting the bounds that have been set by some of you, either from lack of communication, emails, texts, etc.

It really is strange how an illness can change so many ways you look at life and the things around you.  

6 Word Story:

My Soul, You Set it Alight

6 Word Story:

"I am clay in your hands."

*This one has Landyn's name on it. *

Half Empty Quote

"A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out." (the strike through is purely because of how much crap I think this quote it right now).

I saw this and did a very sarcastic laugh.  I know someone going through quite the opposite of this and I can't get over the irony of it all.

I have to say it seems more like this for her lately:

"The whole world seems to be coming in when people I thought were my friends have checked out."

~Keep your head up~

6 Word Story:

Destructive Behavior: Affects Him Aftermath Ahead

Oh what the hell... I need to move out of my house of undoing.  Let's get back to some good.  *drops face in hands*

The Shell

Cancer Diaries - Still adjusting; her-feeding tube, me-seeing her

So I haven't been able to see my mom for about 2 weeks.  I've been sick with this fantastic cold but even better, a cough.  That pretty much put me blocked from seeing my mom at all.  I call to check in but with the past conversations and lack of 'complete' information, I do have to wonder how accurate the information is.  I've been told she is doing better.  She is home now and learning how to function.  My dad, aunt and cousin are at her beck and call.  Oddly enough, she is VERY good about asking for every little thing and they happily run around for her.

She was having some problems with vomiting the day before so when she went to the doctor yesterday they gave her a shot to help ease with the digestion and nausea.  The side effect was Zombie-esque mom last night.  I was on my way in from Taft visiting a friend and decided that I was clear enough to stop by and see her.  As she was happy to see me, it took her a bit to realize I was there.  I got updates while we sat around the living room.

She doesn't look as good as they described or how I imagined her in my head.  I'm not saying she's not better but she is a shell of the mom I know and that makes me want to vomit.  I'm trying to wrap my head around it.  This woman who was strong, assertive, ass-kicking, stubborn as the day is long, determined, carried the weight of everyone in her life... is now this tiny, shell of a woman that only seems to exist in my head.  It's as if I imagined her as a character in one of my stories.  She's down about 17lbs now, watching her at 161 is weird.  I've NEVER seen her under 175 before so that adds to the frail stature she has now become.

I think my being sick gave me an out about not having to deal with seeing her day to day and I'm yet again, left to play "catch up" with my feelings and dealings with what is going on.  I went to gym afterwards and I could feel it all creeping in.  The sadness, oooh this one wasn't going to hide for very long.  I drove around for a little while after gym to try to get some air.  Breathing wasn't so simple as in and out.  Every breath had her name on it.  I was feeling everything that I had missed these past 2 weeks and it hurt.

I got home with the intention of writing this to help me process but that didn't work out.  Tee got home right before I did and in her wonderful, caring fashion, her concern and questions brought it all right to the surface.  I was forced to run out of the office and into the shower to sob alone.  I don't think I was in there very long but it felt like hours.  I came out, still with the intention of writing this but when she walked up behind me to hug me, I lost it, again.  Strange how the touch of another can make you weep without a second thought.  I guess I wasn't as done crying as I thought.  I'm just glad it did all make its way out.

It's going to get harder before it gets easier.  I'm not going to fool myself otherwise.  

6 Word Story:

Easier thought: Heart were an idea

6 Word Story:

Alone because you refuse good people

Not Going There

I am really having a stressful day at work.  It's okay though because I am thankful to have my job when it comes down to it.  I just need to get caught back up.  I'm close but with boys trying to get me to do stupid tasks, calls with extra work, calls because of lost reports (on their end, not mine) and other trivial things, it makes it hard to actually get caught up.  So I'm not going to 'go there' and be pissed because really?  Why waste ALL that energy?  There is one thing that is keeping me treading along.  A thought...

I woke up to such a beautiful sight this morning and this is my reminder to write about it when I have some time.  I just keep replaying it in my mind and it brings this school girl grin to my face.  *shrugs* yeah, that's all I got.

6 Word Story:

Eyes Close, Startled Awake by Ice

6 Word Story:

Don't waste lifes' gift of possibility

6 Word Story:

Lost Wallet Rode on Indiana Jones

6 Word Story:

Staples Removed: Scar says I survived

Honesty

So I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do this morning.  I told the truth.  I had a conversation with a great friend last night, she reminded me of a value I had most certainly lost.  She did it without even realizing she did it, that was the beauty of it actually.  I went home and did a lot of thinking.  I woke up doing more and decided I wanted to keep my value in tact.

Turns out, I'm walking a lot lighter now.  Even with all the other stuff I have going on with my mom.  As darke as I've felt lately, as low as my life has been... I really feel better now.  I don't know where I'm going from here but I know that I can move upward now, FINALLY.  Forward and with a clean conscious.  I've laid out a new path for myself and I'm looking forward to what ever it brings, tough or easy.  It's going to be okay, I really believe that today and it feels nice.

6 Word Story:

Time Machine: Music Takes Me Back

Recent Blow

I found out today that a gaming friend died last week.  I mean what the fuck?  I can not wrap my little pea brain around much right now.  I talked to him like a month ago online about playing Magic again and now... well, it will never happen again.  So this poses more questions for me, like the rest of life seems to be doing right now.

What if I were gone tomorrow?  Would you be alright with where we left off in life?

R.I.P. Billie, you were a helluva guy.  Brilliant, articulate and sweet as a summer day is long...

6 Word Story:

Become the thing I'm to you

Boy Skips about because of his Girl

I have a great room mate.  I've mentioned him before, Joel.  I was standing in the living room and he came out of his room and did this little skip while making this giddy noise.  I asked him what was up and he said, "Oh, just me getting excited."  He opened the door and hopped out toward his girlfriend who was walking up the front walk.  The ironic thing is, I was crying at the time about how much pain and alone I feel.

It still made me smile and think: "I love LOVE."  I want a passionate and fun relationship, that skip a heart beat, random smile as that person crosses your mind during the day, gives you a look across the room that makes your legs feel like jello kinda love.  I want someone to skip toward me or wait for me at the door when I come home.  I want someone to kiss me in front of strangers or hold my hand and always know they have a passion for me and can't keep their hands off me.  I just want a chance for that.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  It's not going to help, it's not going to solve anything but it just sounds like the next step.  A chance, just one little chance...

6 Word Story:

Wish I wasn't who I've become.

6 Word Story:

As days progress, feeling less progressive.

6 Word Story:

Sunday Dinners, Never the Same Again

Tee and I went to my parents this evening to check on the dogs and clean out some of the flowers that had died.  I walked in the house and it felt empty.  Not like the "oh they're away on a trip" kinda empty but like the soul of the house has been removed.  As we headed home it struck me that I would normally be headed home about that same time but from a dinner of food made with love and a lot of smiles and stories of golf games from the morning.  Turns out... that isn't going to happen again for a long, long time and it sickened me to tears.

6 Word Story:

We're all just works in progress.

As I'm getting judged and alienated all over the place... I'm adopting this thought for now.  I do appreciate those of you who at least have had the decency to be honest with me about how you feel.  That's all I've ever asked.

No Title (weird I know)

So yesterday I was prompted with an interesting thought:

"Do you forgive me for wanting to be happy?"

I have a VERY intriguing and wonderful room mate by the name of Joel.  He is very insightful and quite brilliant, not just by textbook standards but in a very matter of fact way of thinking about life.  I truly enjoy our kitchen conversations, we have them quite often.  Yesterdays conversation was in the garage though.  I wonder if that means something?

He was asking me some things along a personal matter and yes I know I'm not alluding anyone, it is about my break up.  I explained things, did some out loud internalizing and he took a very "open minded" approach.  I'm not surprised in the least.  I just wanted to note that sentence so I have it for reference in weeks to come :)

A surprising turn of events was when he stated that I was inspiring him to get back into shape.  I was humbled, yet again and smiled graciously at him.

I want to get back to gym.  I just hate sleeping, my nightmares are fierce and waking up with a neon flasher of "CANCER" on my mind is getting tougher and tougher.  I can't work out if I can't get good rest... but I am forming a plan because I don't want to make excuses as to why I can't do something.  I want to problem solve on how TO accomplish something.

When it comes down to it I'm not going to blame someone else for what I'm chosing to do (or not do).  I am responsible for me... 'nuff said.

6 Word Story:

And every chance you get... hurry!

6 Word Story:

Losing It; Feeling Anger; Hurtful Words

Strangers Make Me Smile

As of late, it seems that I'm finding comfort from strangers.  I'm not saying ONLY from strangers, its just some of the randomness of words escaping the mouths of people I run into throughout my days lately has caught my attention.  I believe the universe is giving me the reminder I've needed.

This started out about a week and half ago when I posted a descriptive status update on FB.  Some one I befriended in the art community popped up on chat to let me know how much he enjoyed my writing and proclaim I should look further into such endeavors.  *gasp*  

Today I ran to taco bell to pick up food for my boss and the drive thru girl went to grab my money and stopped in mid reach, I looked up and she said "Wow!  Your hair is amazing and it compliments your face really well."  Okay, so in an attempt to not completely melt down in embarrassment in my seat, I smiled and replied, "aww thank you."  She smiled and said, "Yeah, you're cute." She let the window close and walked off to grab the food.

*gasp*  Well allllriiiight then.

THEN I went to Shell to get my sacrificial Red Bull. My old buddy who works at the counter, let me interject here: She is this crazy, loud lady who cusses like a sailor and says what is on her mind, looked at me when I walked in, yelled across the store "What. The. FUCK?!"  I just started laughing.  She continued on, "Where have you been?  (I head toward the counter) Hold up, you lost a ton of weight!  What are you doing?  Damn girl, you look gooood."  So by this the the delivery guy and the 2 other customers, also regulars, were starring at me.  I just laughed it off, said thanks and told her about going to gym.  I was then asked how much weight I had lost and how much more I wanted to lose.  After proclaiming my goals, the delivery guy chimed in with a "you look good, don't lose too much more."  More gracious smiles, thanks and shades of red.

So yeah *looks up toward the sky* I hear you loud and clear.

6 Word Story:

Hope for Future, Can't See It.

:::Beckon Me:::

She draws me out to her

I'm but a pawn on her chess board.

I stand there, looking, breathing, fighting

It's useless, I'll give in, she knows what she's doing.

I've always had a weakness for the deep blue of her eyes

For her touch, oh what a touch! cool and calming.

I seek her peaceful nature and fear her wrath

Her power, her gentleness, her strength, her beauty.

I wish I could be such a force.

Have such a way with my own self

That not many could aleve such an insatiable desire to be near me.

No one person could handle such a power

Only the Gods we read about in stories could possess such gifts.

This is why they bestowed it upon such things all people can enjoy

This is how the ocean beckons me to her...

6 Word Story:

Bring me Darke; Light is Pain

:::Not Really Mine:::

Heart of mine, you ache in 3 directions

Which way will you go?

Heart of mine, you are breaking

I must catch all of the pieces.

Heart of mine, keep strong

You must continue to beat, even if you must skip once in awhile.

Heart of mine... you're not really mine at all.

Bonus 6 Word Story:

Pushing me away, further and harder.

6 Word Story: 
Cancer Diaries: 1 day after surgery 

Hope for Her; Faith in Future

6 Word Story:

Death Sentence: Failed Words, Empty Inside

Six Word Story:

The Most Beautiful Bullshit Phrase Uttered.

Effect/Reflect

Words have meanings.  Words put together in sentences have impacts.  Words with inflection can put a lifetime of hurt to someone... especially when said in the heat of the moment.

I can't and won't undermine how someone feels.  I understand hurt and anger all too well.  I also hold, all too closely, words that have been thrown at me in the heat of a moment.  Painful, spiteful, angry words...

The effect words have is amazing.  So damaging, they can't be taken back, no matter how much you try.

Reflecting on the words, as they really set in days later, well that is when the hurt sets in.

It's tough to put those filters on when emotions on sitting right on the edge just waiting to jump off and be heard.  There is a way to counter this, well at least a little.  One.  Simple.  Word.  Communication.

The foundation of any good relationship, the key to knowing how to help or fix things going on with the other person.  Holding it in, keeping it to yourself and "dealing" with it on your own or letting it pass, doesn't work.  It just doesn't, well not at least for me.

When anger is held in, multiple things start to happen.  Counter part can feel something is wrong but if nothing is ever said... the growing apart begins.  Little 'shots' start to be taken.  Uttering words loud enough to be heard and thrown at someone are just not right.  This is not how you communicate your feelings.  This is what happens when you give up.  Laying on guilt does nothing but keep driving that wedge and serve as a reminder of the bookshelf of things that have been ignored.

Pain is life and boy am I sitting in the ultimate pit of life right now...

Epic Fail on the Finish of "Center Stage"

So I got to work on my bottle about 8:pm... oops.  Needless to say, with some other minor distractions; cooking, eating, making lists, changing my mind about colors, etc.  I finished up a little after 1:am.  I wasn't tired and could have easily gone on till 3:am but I do have to work.

I'm not even half way done with her yet... I have to hope for some kind of miracle tonight because something tells me tomorrow is going to be very exhausting.  

Six Word Story:

Wasn't suppose to be like this

Watching my Mom

The Cancer Diaries - 3 days before surgery

I sit here on a bar stool facing the kitchen on Easter Sunday finishing my slice of banana cream pie.  I look up and see my mom washing dishes like she's done so many times before.  This time, however, she looks so different to me.  I notice how she stares out the window in front of her.  Starring off so intensly I have to wonder what she's thinking about.

It's 3 days till her surgery.  The surgery that will tell us the news we've all been waiting to hear for the past 2 weeks.  The news that could change so many lives.

Something inside of me says this is probably the very thing swirling around in her head right now.

This blog may sound bleak but its not at all.  I write these words to serve a purpose, a reminder.  Life is fleeting.  We are born set on a path toward death.  It begins as we take that first breath and scream for life.

Living unhappy, living in pain, living without hope... well that isn't really living now is it?

I watch her now, I look at her with different eyes.  I want to take her fears away.  I want to watch her stand in front of that sink again telling me about her golf game and how she f'd up some putt on the 7th hole.  Listening to her talk about prepping for surgery and my aunt coming in to take care of things sounds so nightmarish.  It's almost incomprehensible but here we sit discussing such informalities.

~Here is your reminder for hope and events that will and need to happen because when it comes down to it, you want to live a passionate life.~

Artistic Procrastination

It's a beautiful thing.  *giggles incessantly* I've had my bottle for about a month and a half to paint for the Bakersfield Museum of Art.  I figured out about 3 weeks ago what I wanted to put on it.  I just started transferring the images on to the bottle last Wednesday.  It's due this Tuesday, I might be a little behind.

Thursday I ended up being too drained from working on it for 6 hours the night before.  I had some other things on my mind and cleaning seemed (and felt) like a much better outlet for me.  I then planned on doing the 2nd transfer Friday night... well that didn't work out either.  Saturday came around and I started to realize that I'm running out of 'drying' time.  I also realized that in order to make my carrot cake I needed to get my bake even strips so I needed to run to Michael's first.  My friend Tee has a son and he asked to come along and I was quite excited to say yes.  We got to talk about stuff and he reminds me of how much I miss coaching high school kids.  He really is an amazing guy and I love how we chat about stuff.  He's honest with me and I like it, it's very refreshing.  He is very much into wrestling and is more than happy to teach me since I know absolutely nothing about it.  He also enjoys showing me the down sides of wrestling; illnesses, sicknesses and stuff of that nature.  Turns out he started to get something called cauliflower ear.  You should YouTube it if you don't know what it is... it can get pretty gnarly.  Anyway, he wanted to get it drained so we spent some time driving around trying to find a needle and someone to do it.  We even went to urgent care but they wanted his primary care physician to do it so that was a bust.  Thankfully, we have a super cool roommate who was more than happy to assist with it.  It's fine now so YAY :)  So the moral of that story was I didn't get a chance to work on my bottle.

Sunday I woke up and made french toast and bacon...mmm.  Cleaned up and then laid on the couch, it seemed like a much better idea at the time.  I was playing with the iTouch and decided to check my horoscope which basically told me to stop procrastinating and get to work on any project I have going on.  I giggled and thought it was strange that they can be so spot on.  It took me about 15 minutes but I got all the stuff out to put the 2nd transfer on so it could dry while we went to my parents house for Easter Linner.

Hung out there for a few hours, grabbed some movies on the way home, Lex headed to my aunt & uncles to assist with some I.T. work and I had a lot of art supplies and paints to find and gather.  I didn't realize how scattered it was/is.  I have stuff in both storage's too which is kind of a bummer but for the most part I found everything I needed, just took me some time.  Then I realized I didn't have my glasses anyway so set up time was a good thing.

I got about 1/4 of the first piece done... she will be tough but I'm hoping to finish her tomorrow night.  Keeping my glass 1/2 full :)

Compliment from a Stranger

So I've been letting my soul speak out for the past couple of weeks.  At a time in my life where things are very uncertain and unsettling, I figure I need an outlet.  Unfortunately, I have some set backs going on with gym, so that isn't an option for me right now.  That really saddens me because it made me so happy not that long ago but now it serves as a painful reminder of things that are going on in my life.  I'll have to deal that when the time presents itself.

I'm inspired by simple things.  I like the way that sounds but more importantly I like the way it feels.  I wrote a status update on Facebook last Friday:

My ah-ha moment. I walk out of the garage each morning and as the door opens I'm revealed my day. I see blue skies on occasion, sometimes they are kissed with fluffy white clouds. Other days they are branded by looming grey ones. Sometimes the wind kisses my cheek but no matter what I see, a wondrous thing happens to me; it immediately releases an emotion inspiring me to write. Darke or not... I must embrace it.

I didn't think much of it when I wrote it. It was exactly what I wanted it to be; what I was feeling at the time. Moments later the little 'pop' from Facebook chat came across my speakers. I toggled over to find a window from a new add, someone I do not know but befriended me because of common interests and friends we share. He said: Okay, you don't really know me, but I gotta tell you your post was quite lyrical! & Do you write as part of your job? My reply: "I do not actually. I wish I did." To which he finished with: You're good at it. Food for thought.

I have to say that was pretty dang awesome. It made my day and I can't help but wonder what it would be like to write more and with such a purpose. Thank you RB for your kind words, they really did make an impression. I'm curious as to how I'll proceed with this new found feeling.

*smiles* Thank you...

A friend sent me a great email today and this is how she ended it:

"Always remember that some of the most beautiful things were borne out of darkeness." 

6 Word Story:

I have replaced crying with writing

*at this point, crying seems like it would be easier*

Irony

Why does pain fuel such deep, rich emotions?  Pain.  A simple 4 letter word that has such an impact on our entire being.  I've been pushing it a side, tucking it in, setting it in a jar on the shelf, ignoring it, keeping a light jog to stay ahead of it... you see where I'm going.  *taps desk like a teacher and says* "Now class, what do we know about not dealing with our problems?  Anyone... ANYONE?!"

You forget which side you pushed it to and walk into it, you accidentally crawl into bed with it, the jar falls off the shelf and breaks open, it sends you a RED envelope, special delivery letter, you trip and fall and it smothers you while you're lying on the ground.  So I'm pretty sure, dear readers, you are seeing what just happened and how I'm left lying on the ground.

Let me just interject that I did this to myself and with all the current happenings I'm 'okay' with being here.  I'm not a down or naturally negative person, that actually destroys everything I'm about.  This place where I currently am, was bound to happen.  The biggest problem I'm dealing with is I can't move forward or up right now.  I'm stuck in a state of here.  THAT is the part that is tough for me.  Usually I have something to draw me upwards and right now, I'm blank.

I love music.  Anyone who knows me, knows this.  A lyric can catch my attention and send me soaring to another place.  The irony is that right now with all this pain and hurt I'm going through, I've been inspired to let out so much emotion through writing.  If I had the time, I could easily put out 5 stories of great length.  It's like the pain is pushing its way out through my fingers and trying to remind me how to feel every emotion.  In a time, go figure, where I don't want to feel anything actually.  It's draining and to be perfectly blunt; I'm fucking over it right now.

Just bleeding through my words in every direction, no band-aid.

There are Strings Attached

As she looks into my eyes it takes everything in my power to not just give in to her.

"I like the idea of strings attached.  That something is tied to you... to one other.  That maybe there is something so strong holding us together that we finally have found that safety we're looking for and have always wanted.  A bind that can not be broken because there are roots grown to such great depths they are hundreds of years deep, protected and being fed with love, digging in deeper and deeper."

I watch her lips move and she speaks in a poetic rhythm to my heart.  I love her idea of romance, it's inspiring to say the least.

~Piece of a story I didn't want to forget - N2M~