Irony
Why does pain fuel such deep, rich emotions? Pain. A simple 4 letter word that has such an impact on our entire being. I've been pushing it a side, tucking it in, setting it in a jar on the shelf, ignoring it, keeping a light jog to stay ahead of it... you see where I'm going. *taps desk like a teacher and says* "Now class, what do we know about not dealing with our problems? Anyone... ANYONE?!"
You forget which side you pushed it to and walk into it, you accidentally crawl into bed with it, the jar falls off the shelf and breaks open, it sends you a RED envelope, special delivery letter, you trip and fall and it smothers you while you're lying on the ground. So I'm pretty sure, dear readers, you are seeing what just happened and how I'm left lying on the ground.
Let me just interject that I did this to myself and with all the current happenings I'm 'okay' with being here. I'm not a down or naturally negative person, that actually destroys everything I'm about. This place where I currently am, was bound to happen. The biggest problem I'm dealing with is I can't move forward or up right now. I'm stuck in a state of here. THAT is the part that is tough for me. Usually I have something to draw me upwards and right now, I'm blank.
I love music. Anyone who knows me, knows this. A lyric can catch my attention and send me soaring to another place. The irony is that right now with all this pain and hurt I'm going through, I've been inspired to let out so much emotion through writing. If I had the time, I could easily put out 5 stories of great length. It's like the pain is pushing its way out through my fingers and trying to remind me how to feel every emotion. In a time, go figure, where I don't want to feel anything actually. It's draining and to be perfectly blunt; I'm fucking over it right now.
1 comment:
I've been studying mindfulness for the past couple of years - loving compassion for yourself, being with all that is YOU in the NOW in a gentle, conscious way that acknowledges even the hardest of thoughts and feelings, while not letting them take control. You seem to be doing this naturally - good on you AJ - and your writing is a wonderful way for you to be in the present moment with yourself, look at what's happening in a more objective way, and then move on. I know it hurts - that's how you know you're doing it right. I'm so proud of you and love you bunches, holding you close close close in my heart. Stay with it sweetie, and you'll come out the other end with so much more than you started with. You are strong, and you are loved.
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