Missing

As today marks day 23 of a personal nature, I'm tired of constantly having to live in a state of restrooms, being tired and now stumbling/feeling dizzy.  I still had 7 more days till my appointment.  With recent blood work showing my blood levels dropping and me running into more doors and walls, I made a call that ended with me right back in the docs office within the hour.  3 biopsies later, my crying out to strangers, many tears and even more pain, I find myself sitting here cramping and thinking of the one good thing I heard today... an unborn babies heartbeat.  As I walked into the restroom to "pee in a cup" I heard it.  I heard that hearbeat on the ultrasound behind a curtain next to me.  As I closed the door, I smiled as tears formed thinking how that was one of the sweetest sounds I could have heard at that very moment.  I've never wanted to have children, per say but over the years I have adopted and taken in many a child as if they were my own.  Some are still around and some have walked on but I do love kids very much and do not hesitate to give love and care for them deeply.

The part of me that has been missing for the past few weeks is me actually feeling like a girl.  I have hidden under ponytails, baggy, cotton clothes, no make up and no jewelry.  Haven't had any urge to go out, dress up and have any sort of attention drawn to me.  It's a very weird and lonely feeling to go through life feeling like you have to hide yourself.  I hope this medication helps and doesn't have the same side effects of the last one I tried.  Because when it's all said and done, I still have hope.

It's a Trap

Have you ever seen someone following so close in your footsteps that you almost feel like they're actually in the same pair of shoes you once walked in?  You want to push them down and tell them, don't do it, it shouldn't be so one sided.  Just realize you want something more and deserve something more... but that isn't how life works and that isn't how we get those lessons under our belt.  Pain is ineviable but it sure would be nice to soften it for others...

Sick

This has been a VERY tough year in the health arena.  Out of 70 days this year, I've been well approximately 21 days.  That is quite depressing.  Not sure what is going on with me but I haven't been able to get to gym or take on very much at all this year.  Making Sunday dinner is a pretty big deal and thank goodness I have help or that probably wouldn't happen some days either.  I've been sleeping a lot, taking meds and nothing was helping.  I went to Urgent care on my 3rd cold and he basically told me, I had to "get through it and there was nothing they could do." Nice.

Well after 3 weeks of being sick, I switched doctors and went back.  This doctor was much more receptive to listen to me and check me over more thoroughly.  She gave me a very aggressive pill regimen and by day 2 I was already 50 times better.  Now, (as of day 5) I need to stay well so I can start training for my 1/2 marathon.  I don't need another health hiccup to keep me from this goal.  I want to be healthy again and maintain a good weight.  I'm hoping todays walk goes well and this is the 1st of many workouts to come.

*here's to hoping*