Some Fairy wine to share with the Lexi on New Years Eve.

Not sure what to do...

... but keep going and hope for the best.  It's an odd feeling to not feel welcome or liked.  To hear about things in random conversation, feel like you're not wanted.  It makes you feel like you've done something wrong, that you're not a good person.  I imagine this is how insecurity starts.  I have to say I'm just going to have to refuse to give in.  The insecurities around me are truly not mine, so I can not own them.  I don't like the blame getting cast upon me when it's not my 'mess' to begin with.  I ran into the first of this blame last week... imagine my shock.

I've been blessed enough to reconnect with a friend who will whole-heartily be a help and a positive force.  I've emptied the cupboards.  Tonight, I'll hollow out more of the room and research and read more about foods.  I can't let this, this... what ever it is, take over. 

Cooking

I'm obsessed with the movie Julie and Julia.  I love the idea of it, it has so many of the things I love.  Cooking and Blogging and finishing something big... something that is out of your hands.  There are so many good one liners and it just makes me feel good.  I watch it at least once a day.  I hope that everyone has a movie that just 'makes you feel good.'

"Do you know what I love about cooking? I love that after a day when nothing is sure and when I say nothing, I mean nothing. You can come home and absolutely know that if you add egg yolks to chocolate and sugar and milk, it will get thick. It's such a comfort." ~Julie

It's going to get easier.

So I'm writing these to not only share what is going on but as a reminder of why I don't want to weigh this much or feel this badly anymore.  Today I had a migraine so annoying that my nose was sensitive to touch.  I thought I was over the caffine/sugar/fast food withdrawal.  Turns out, I'm not even close.  I didn't give in to the caffine but I did get some fast food for lunch.  My boss offered Carl's Jr. and I took it.  I felt so crummy, I just didn't care.  Guess what happened as I was stuffing my face with 1000 island dressing/cheesyburgery fatness?  My migraine disappeared.  I think I'm just going to have to suffer through these migraines and eventually, they will pass.  It's better to do this now before January comes.  Giving it all up at once might destroy my goal and cause a break down.

I have to say I feel even lower now that all it took was the endorphins of fattening food to get rid of that pain in my head  :(

It's all a learning experience.  It. Will. Get. Better.

Bakersfield's Biggest Loser

So one of the local gym's is having a contest.  15,000 in cash for 1st place.  I figure I have just as good a shot as anyone else.  I also believe, this is the kickstart I've been looking for.  Sadly, doing it for myself just doesn't seem to be enough... no matter how much I tell myself I want it.  *sigh*

On January 2nd it begins.  I've already gone through the caffine withdrawal from sodas and boy am I glad that's over.  Oh the migraines :(  I'm working on sugar next.  I like chocolate too much.  Fast food has been significantly cut back as well.  It's all gotta go, I'm just done.  Done I say!

2 fun party ideas but no house for them...

So I really want to host a cookie exchange, it would be fun.  I know it would.  Problem is, we don't have a house.  I also would love to have a vision board gathering for the upcoming New Year.  Again, no house. 

I have been bestowed the gift of loving to have people over and cook and bake for them but when you don't have a house, it does make that a little difficult.  My mom has an aunt that she talks about, always having people over when they were younger and my mom is the same way.  I love a house filled with laughter and good conversation.  We've just gotta save our pennies and hope the opportunity presents itself soon.

At least I know one item that is going on my vision board... a picture of a house that we can make our home. 

Been away... Ooops.

Alright, so I took an extended holiday from blogging.  Facebook seems to get all my 'updates' of sorts.  So lets see if I can get back to here.  October was ridiculous of course.  I was extra busy this year with baking and baking and then decorating.  It was madening and fantastic all in one.  I was actually able to go after Halloween shopping ala Lex's big kid job.  I got some really kick ass stuff so of course I'm super excited for next year.

Let's see, what else?  Went to the Teddy Bear Toss, that was super fun.  Had a very low key Turkey day, always enjoyable.  I decided to try my hand at NaNoWriMo in November and epically failed but that was probably a bad choice on my end with what I had going on.  I will still finish it but next year I'm in it to win it!  50,000 words in 30 days, it's fun and I met some really nice people.

A geocaching friend, Jenny, has a home business and has some other home business friends who get together and have a large bazaar party of sorts, inviting anyone and everyone into her home to shop, there were something like 12 vendors, including us :)  We set some candies, cakes, cupcakes, pretzels, all types of stuff out for display and we even took orders!  So December got a little busier and I'm excited.  5 years ago, I'd never have imagined this and I couldn't be happier if I tried. Pictures to post in the coming weeks.

We still have one more class to take but it's really not working with our schedule :\  Hopefully in February?  We plan on doing this local Biggest Loser contest so we'll see how that works out.  More to come on this after we sign up.

The reason I'm back here?  I saw a word and it annoyed my very core and I wanted to blog it.  Tweetup.  Oh yeah, apparently Tweeters of Twitter have Tweetups now.  *blink blink*  Yeah.  Are you freakin' kidding me?  That is all, for now :)