Why

Funny thing, watching from the outside. One notices things, things that tell exactly when someone is denying their own heart. And more importantly, when their heart is getting what they want, it becomes very apparent to those that actually pay attention.  Deny all they want. Slam that foot down with gusto but at the end of the day, you're just lying to yourself.  And why?  Really, why? Because you're angry? Because your ego got side swiped? Hey, guess what? We're all human.  Even you. The crazier thing? We are allowed to change our mind.

Sitting where I am, it seems easy but sitting where they are, well only they can make the excuses that keep them from what they really want...

With life being short, good grief have I been slapped in the face 10 fold by that, why live a life full of anger and not of forgiveness and compassion?  At some point, even you'll get tired of looking at the angry, lifeless person you've become.

Came from No Where

"I gave you a piece of my heart and you handed it back broken and damaged.  It's so mangled, in fact, it's unrecognizable.  I can only tell what it is because it is a part of me, a part that I thought you loved. It may look like something that came from a garbage disposal but it's a piece of me.  One day someone will fix it.  Someone who really loves me.  Someone who will replace all of these shattered, broken and damaged pieces that I gave with such hope and so freely. Sadly, love lost and they were thrown back... until you.  You never asked for a piece of my heart.  You just came in and began fixing all those mangled, torn, scorned, wounded and used pieces.  I never even knew someone like you existed.  I never knew someone like you walked among us.  I never have known someone like you."

~work in progress

Personal Hell - check; Shit Storm - check; Making it through? - working on it

I have had a helluava year.  My mom has moved on to a different plain.  I mean that alone, wow.  Can things get worse?  Of course they can, life is just full of trials.  JAM PACKED, crammed to the top, full of 'em.
- I lost my will to bake.
- I lost my love for life.
- I lost feeling safe within myself
- I lost my ability to love and not be angry
- I lost a lot of everything I thought I was 'good' with.
- I lost my normal life.

As I barely (and I mean teeny, tiny, teeny weenie) began to try to want to live life again, my g/f gets struck down with a slue of illnesses, not just 2 or 3 but like 6 things.  No one, especially my Prynce, deserves such a blow.  So much in fact that it kept her out of work for over a month.  THEN in the midst of all of this my bestie Turtle isn't healing at all and then fast forward to the hospital because she will die without this surgery or can die because of the surgery.  Really? I just lost my mom, my g/f is struggling and now you want to throw the gauntlet down even harder by taunting me with possibly taking my friend? Dangling the thought of losing someone else I love? The friend who helped me get through moms passing.  You just have to shake your head and wonder. Why?

Some days I struggle eleventy billion times harder than others. My faith has been shaken and stirred. People I thought I could rely on, didn't just fall short but fell off the face of the Earth.  Complete strangers kept me going.  Up was down and bananas were apples.  And today I felt this compelling urge to blog that through hell and shit, I'm still walking tall.  I can still (on most days) be grateful for who is left in my life and strive to be better.  To keep going and not give up.

I always wondered if I could step up for others when I was down.  Turns out I can.  I'm not perfect and I have made a list of mistakes that isn't short.  I just hope I can keep moving toward a future full of success in love and family.  Money would be nice but the comfort I got from people when I needed it most was what kept me going and truly showed me what is important. 

"Without love, I am just without"

Answer a Question, Get Yelled At

Honesty.  Such an interesting word.  It's suppose to be the best policy.  This is usually the case when you're dealing with rational people.  I, however, was not today.  I answered a question and then was slammed with a lot of cuss words.  Now, I'm not a prude and can drop an F bomb as well as the next person but if there is one way you want to truly piss me off? Cuss at me.  Don't talk to me like a rational person but just get pissed, assume you know all the details to my answer and yell and rant like a lunatic.  Basically, I'll sit there and just blink a lot.  You can't argue with someone who choses to go from zero to mean in less than 5 seconds.  The even better part? When I ask you to stop, just stop.  Continually attacking me, is not your best answer.  Hey, if in 2 or 3 days you still feel that strongly (after asking me why I answered the way I did and taking in my words first, of course) then tell me how upset you are.  Because, what is one of the first things we learn kids about words? "Be careful what you say because you can apologize for the words but you can't take them back." This means they are cemented in ones brain forever. 

So here I lay, blogging out these frustrations so I can and move forward, definitely with a heavier heart, but forward none the less.  I'll definitely look at you differently for the rest of forever.  Attacking me with your words of "so called family" well, now I know how you really feel too. I live by the words "say what you mean and mean what you say." I expect those around me to know that.  If you've taken any time at all to chat with me about words to live by, you'd know this.  On that note, I guess thinking this is my "so called family" was just that, all in my head.

Friday is NOT Fun Day

And the JOY of my cursed Fridays continues *two sarcastic fingers up* and yes, they can fly *grumble grumble*

How dare, someone, who calls themselves a friend, ask such a thing from you. I am infuriated!


Is it Saturday yet? :o/

#donotask

Miscellaneous Everything

Been away awhile. As most know, mom is watching me from above now. I know I'll never recover from this. I just won't, how can I? You just learn to live in a new world, with a whole new life with one person you never wanted to live without. She loved me unconditionally... she gave me life and now we no longer walk on the same plain anymore...

Baking has taken a huge halt and brings more pain than happiness. I will work through this... hopefully... some day.

Music is still my life raft, most days it's what I listen to while I sail downstream in my own tears.

Helping a friend with her Bottle Cap Business which is sorta our Bottle Cap Business because I don't have enough going on. I'm getting a handle on the 3 of our businesses though because I'm ready to work from home. Creating from my own hand, I like what I do and I like how happy people get from things I craft. Hopefully, in a couple years this will be all we do. Just need to build a nice, sturdy foundation first.

So I'm just starting here. I can't go backwards, it hurts way too much. Just going to start here and move forward. Slowly.

6ws:

"All these words, Looking for Confirmation."

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

How did you answer these...

TV Thought:

"Do you want to be with someone who tolerates your quirks or someone who thinks your quirks are adorable?"

Things I carry with me daily...

Her Love
~on days when there seems to be quicksand in every direction, gusty winds and rain without an umbrella, no light at the end of a tunnel, her love keeps me moving. on days when birds sing all around me, the sun shines on any path I walk on, she smiles at me, her love keeps me moving.

My parents
~I'm blessed with some of the greatest parents anyone could ever ask for. Unconditional love, encouragement, praise and support. I really do hope I get to keep them around for a long, long time.

Spreading Good Karma
~in the form of baking. I'm loving this new venture and really do hope it will just keep growing and flourishing. I just want to keep getting better.

Music
~good for the body (at gym), the mind (keeps my mood where I need it to be) and the soul (let in the peace)

Red Bull
~my worst new addiction, I plan to fix it soon. I'm 2 weeks in and up to 2 (12oz cans) a day but I can't keep this all peaches and roses. It's about being honest here kiddies.

This list is ever changing and growing...

Oh, I failed to mention...


I see more turmoil then usual online lately (and that makes me wonder how much is going on that is unsaid as well) and my heart goes out to any and all of my friends in pain right now. I hope you find your way and soon. Some are dealing with the 'mistrust' of their partner or friends. So very sad indeed.

We have to wonder when a partner/friend begins to hide things they're doing or people for that matter. If it's "not a big deal" how come it isn't mentioned? It's these little things that turn BIG because of lack of honesty. Simply said, don't make excuses as to why you're hiding stuff. Of course the mind is going to wonder: is it because of unresolved feelings? Losing interest? New feelings? Longing for what was lost?

Remember that person across from you that says they love you? They mean it... do you and why the hiding?

Muse: Sand

We can only accomplish one task at a time even when many lay before us. Take care of each, not rushing to complete but gently give your love and attention. Tend to each like the precious seed it is and soon we shall be surrounded by a beautiful garden of flowers.

~aj

Sand

I was having a great conversation this morning with a friend. She asked how I was doing as of late since my last month was such a dismal, spiraling, personal hell. I answered, "very well." I took a moment on my birthday to regroup. I found what I was doing wrong, the extreme side of me took over and unfortunately, I couldn't see that at the time.

I grabbed a handful of sand from Love, Cake Business, My Parents/Family, Work, My Health and The House. I tried to grab all of them at once and hold on tight. Well, what happens when you grab a handful of sand? It slips through your fingers and you're only left with a few grains. My initial reaction to just grab and be able to handle it all, was the beginning of my demise. I forgot one simple thing: work smarter. Instead of grabbing buckets to carry the sand or asking for help, I thought I could get by with just a handful of each.

I am listening, very intently to those closely around me. There are some troubling signs there but I am ready to help in any way I can, keeping mind of my personal buckets of life that need careful care as well.

Moving forward slowly is still moving forward... remember that when you find yourself struggling in life.