Missing

As today marks day 23 of a personal nature, I'm tired of constantly having to live in a state of restrooms, being tired and now stumbling/feeling dizzy.  I still had 7 more days till my appointment.  With recent blood work showing my blood levels dropping and me running into more doors and walls, I made a call that ended with me right back in the docs office within the hour.  3 biopsies later, my crying out to strangers, many tears and even more pain, I find myself sitting here cramping and thinking of the one good thing I heard today... an unborn babies heartbeat.  As I walked into the restroom to "pee in a cup" I heard it.  I heard that hearbeat on the ultrasound behind a curtain next to me.  As I closed the door, I smiled as tears formed thinking how that was one of the sweetest sounds I could have heard at that very moment.  I've never wanted to have children, per say but over the years I have adopted and taken in many a child as if they were my own.  Some are still around and some have walked on but I do love kids very much and do not hesitate to give love and care for them deeply.

The part of me that has been missing for the past few weeks is me actually feeling like a girl.  I have hidden under ponytails, baggy, cotton clothes, no make up and no jewelry.  Haven't had any urge to go out, dress up and have any sort of attention drawn to me.  It's a very weird and lonely feeling to go through life feeling like you have to hide yourself.  I hope this medication helps and doesn't have the same side effects of the last one I tried.  Because when it's all said and done, I still have hope.