Thursday, October 20, 2011

Personal Hell - check; Shit Storm - check; Making it through? - working on it

I have had a helluava year.  My mom has moved on to a different plain.  I mean that alone, wow.  Can things get worse?  Of course they can, life is just full of trials.  JAM PACKED, crammed to the top, full of 'em.
- I lost my will to bake.
- I lost my love for life.
- I lost feeling safe within myself
- I lost my ability to love and not be angry
- I lost a lot of everything I thought I was 'good' with.
- I lost my normal life.

As I barely (and I mean teeny, tiny, teeny weenie) began to try to want to live life again, my g/f gets struck down with a slue of illnesses, not just 2 or 3 but like 6 things.  No one, especially my Prynce, deserves such a blow.  So much in fact that it kept her out of work for over a month.  THEN in the midst of all of this my bestie Turtle isn't healing at all and then fast forward to the hospital because she will die without this surgery or can die because of the surgery.  Really? I just lost my mom, my g/f is struggling and now you want to throw the gauntlet down even harder by taunting me with possibly taking my friend? Dangling the thought of losing someone else I love? The friend who helped me get through moms passing.  You just have to shake your head and wonder. Why?

Some days I struggle eleventy billion times harder than others. My faith has been shaken and stirred. People I thought I could rely on, didn't just fall short but fell off the face of the Earth.  Complete strangers kept me going.  Up was down and bananas were apples.  And today I felt this compelling urge to blog that through hell and shit, I'm still walking tall.  I can still (on most days) be grateful for who is left in my life and strive to be better.  To keep going and not give up.

I always wondered if I could step up for others when I was down.  Turns out I can.  I'm not perfect and I have made a list of mistakes that isn't short.  I just hope I can keep moving toward a future full of success in love and family.  Money would be nice but the comfort I got from people when I needed it most was what kept me going and truly showed me what is important. 

"Without love, I am just without"


Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Answer a Question, Get Yelled At

Honesty.  Such an interesting word.  It's suppose to be the best policy.  This is usually the case when you're dealing with rational people.  I, however, was not today.  I answered a question and then was slammed with a lot of cuss words.  Now, I'm not a prude and can drop an F bomb as well as the next person but if there is one way you want to truly piss me off? Cuss at me.  Don't talk to me like a rational person but just get pissed, assume you know all the details to my answer and yell and rant like a lunatic.  Basically, I'll sit there and just blink a lot.  You can't argue with someone who choses to go from zero to mean in less than 5 seconds.  The even better part? When I ask you to stop, just stop.  Continually attacking me, is not your best answer.  Hey, if in 2 or 3 days you still feel that strongly (after asking me why I answered the way I did and taking in my words first, of course) then tell me how upset you are.  Because, what is one of the first things we learn kids about words? "Be careful what you say because you can apologize for the words but you can't take them back." This means they are cemented in ones brain forever. 

So here I lay, blogging out these frustrations so I can and move forward, definitely with a heavier heart, but forward none the less.  I'll definitely look at you differently for the rest of forever.  Attacking me with your words of "so called family" well, now I know how you really feel too. I live by the words "say what you mean and mean what you say." I expect those around me to know that.  If you've taken any time at all to chat with me about words to live by, you'd know this.  On that note, I guess thinking this is my "so called family" was just that, all in my head.