I have had a helluava year. My mom has moved on to a different plain. I mean that alone, wow. Can things get worse? Of course they can, life is just full of trials. JAM PACKED, crammed to the top, full of 'em.
- I lost my will to bake.
- I lost my love for life.
- I lost feeling safe within myself
- I lost my ability to love and not be angry
- I lost a lot of everything I thought I was 'good' with.
- I lost my normal life.
As I barely (and I mean teeny, tiny, teeny weenie) began to try to want to live life again, my g/f gets struck down with a slue of illnesses, not just 2 or 3 but like 6 things. No one, especially my Prynce, deserves such a blow. So much in fact that it kept her out of work for over a month. THEN in the midst of all of this my bestie Turtle isn't healing at all and then fast forward to the hospital because she will die without this surgery or can die because of the surgery. Really? I just lost my mom, my g/f is struggling and now you want to throw the gauntlet down even harder by taunting me with possibly taking my friend? Dangling the thought of losing someone else I love? The friend who helped me get through moms passing. You just have to shake your head and wonder. Why?
Some days I struggle eleventy billion times harder than others. My faith has been shaken and stirred. People I thought I could rely on, didn't just fall short but fell off the face of the Earth. Complete strangers kept me going. Up was down and bananas were apples. And today I felt this compelling urge to blog that through hell and shit, I'm still walking tall. I can still (on most days) be grateful for who is left in my life and strive to be better. To keep going and not give up.
I always wondered if I could step up for others when I was down. Turns out I can. I'm not perfect and I have made a list of mistakes that isn't short. I just hope I can keep moving toward a future full of success in love and family. Money would be nice but the comfort I got from people when I needed it most was what kept me going and truly showed me what is important.
"Without love, I am just without"
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