6 Word Story:

Things Change in a N.Y. Minute

All the Others

Lately I've been speaking with a lot of friends.  I need my friends right now.  I need a strong support system and I'm truly blessed that all the years I've spent looking for the just the right people to enlighten, enhance and generally help me grow, are all here for me now when I need them most.  It's a very safe feeling with a lot of not so safe feelings going on inside.

I had one of those conversations with a friend today about believing people.  She said, "I just don't know if I can believe anyone anymore."  That struck me deep.  It took a few hours to sink in but it did and here I am at my keyboard, gettin' it out.  How does one really respond to that?

How can one person undo that kind of damage, turmoil... fear?  How does one person who had no hand in such things get thrown in with all the others?  Maybe the question is, how does one person NOT get thrown in with all these people when it's happened time and time again.  History says we repeat itself so why wouldn't the next person get thrown on the bus with everyone else?

I live in the now and I live in a pretty positive outlook on life kinda way (even with current circumstances).  Don't get me wrong, I falter.  I feel like I'm almost being tested lately and that's okay.  I'm keeping with 2 very strong mantra's right now that I typically preach with:

~The universe will only give me what it knows I can handle~

and 

~Keeping my best flip flop (foot) forward~

And of course, humor.  It's my staple and it makes me smile but more importantly it makes those around me smile and that always feels good inside.  I could cry and be miserable all day long but if I can make one friend smile, then I feel so complete.

So what do you do when presented with such a 'task' (if you will)?  With the current blog, I know my answer.  I know I'll run right for it but what would you do?  Would that scare you?  Would it make you feel like you're being pushed away or blocked... disposable even?

It just makes me wonder...

6 Word Story:

Hope is where I reside now

6 Word Story:

Courage: To change what I can.

6 word story:

I think I lost my way.

6 Word Story:

So much pain in every direction.


I have to remember, the pain inside is so so deep.  It's not what I had planned, no one plans for this.  I want better for everyone.  I really do *crying*

Something

I'm trying desperately to fix things.  I'm trying to fix them quickly.  Like every other person who sickens me, I want it done yesterday.  I know that nothing can be fixed quickly.  Everything takes time... things work themselves out in a way that is to serve a purpose we just aren't meant to understand quite yet.

I'm feeling things, they are out there and I'm trying to contain them.  It's not working, it's scary but I can only keep true to myself.  When it's all said and done at the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with the feelings locked up inside of me.

:::sigh:::

6 Word Story:

Walking Around with a Heavy Heart

"Thats what she said"

Bad to Good to Worse

So I got quite a blow today.  I received a call around 10:30 this morning from my dad.  I think he picked the absolute worst words to start out with: "Your mom is fine but we're at the hospital."  I could hear the shaking in his voice, I could see the tears streaming down his face.  My heart sank.

Apparently about 3 weeks ago she started feeling dizzy, would lose her breath, got tired very easily and was very cold all the time.  She noticed it getting a little worse and decided to call the doctor.  They didn't see it so important to get in her quickly so she had to wait about 2 weeks for an appointment.  That was 2 days ago... this  morning she got a call from her actual doctor saying she needed to go to E.R. and get herself checked out.  Her Iron count was low, very low.  They double checked her numbers and she was at a 6.8... seeing as how 14 is considered low, this was not the best news.   They gave her a transfusion, 3 units.  Each unit would take 2 hours to 'upload' and then they would wait an hour to see if it helped.

She finally got a room around 6:30 this evening.  The worse news comes next.  She doesn't have any actual pain or vomiting.  I guess these would be good signs of a bleeding ulcer.  I mean that isn't the best diagnosis but it's better than the alternative... bone marrow cancer.  As I type the words, it almost seems like it's happening to a character in one of my stories... not my mom.  Not the woman who cleans 2 houses in a day, makes dinner, goes golfing and then comes home and cleans her own house.  Not the woman who can walk 18 holes at golf and want to come home and do yard work for 2 hours.  Not my mom... she's indestructible.

The craptastic part is the waiting.  She'll have some testing done in the morning and then we'll know more.  I'm not taking it well.  I'd be lying if I said I believe everything is going to be fine.  I don't know that... I don't know much of anything right now.  I know I busted my ass at gym tonight because I had so much anxiety I didn't know what else to do.  I'm sitting here and I space out and just stare at the blinking cursor.  I usually feel so much better after blogging but somehow, I know this time it's just not going to work that way.  I want to believe I'm overreacting and I just need to chill the fuck out.  This is one time, I'd love to have been completely overreacting.

Time will tell I guess... for now I'm just going to drink rum & crystal light till I can't keep my eyes open anymore.  Nite.

6 Word Story:

Indestructible woman becomes a fragile flower.

6 Word Story: 

Moments that take your breath away.

6 Word Story:

I'm just sayin'... I look cute.

Gymless

So I haven't gone to gym the past couple days.  I miss it terribly.  I really had every intention of going today but of all things to forget, I couldn't find my headphones.  I have like 3 pairs and for what ever reason there was NOT one damn pair in my car, bag or at work.  I might as well have forgotten my shoes, that's how pivotal my headphones are to me at gym.  I came home with the intention of grabbing them and heading back out but it didn't happen.  Somehow, I took that as a sign to just rest since that's what I really wanted to do anyway.

I feel better in the fact that I got to rest but I miss that good ol' sweat and the satisfaction I feel after workin' my ass off for an hour or two.  Tomorrow, yes, sweet sweet tomorrow.

Tomorrow is another day <-- cheesy I know-- but it's so very, very true.

6 word story: Day 5

Love: Don't Ever Turn it Down.

6 Word Story: Day 4

I'm sorry, I'm sorry... not sorry.

6 word Story: Day 3

Never wonder: For yourself, Be Happy.

My New Battle with Food.

So obviously I've had some issues with food.  One doesn't get to be 253 lbs by having everything under control.  Yes I just blasted my original weight up for all the clickyweb world to see.  The first step (I imagine with any problem) is admitting it.  I'm not proud of how big I was, how much I let my weaknesses rule me, let me get to such an unhealthy state but at least I'm getting a second chance.

In typical Pisces fashion I've thrown my passion and every bit of energy I have into this.  2 months later and it's paid off.  While I still have a ways to go, I'm set on a great path.  I was very diligent about keeping a log of all my calories.  I slipped a few days and wouldn't write it down but would keep a good mental track till I started again.  I stopped when we moved because well, moving takes a lot of time and energy and I didn't feel like it.

I decided to do a little check this week, making sure I'm not eating too much.  Oddly enough, it's quite the opposite.  By my guess-ta-mations, I probably was only eating around 1000 calories a day last week.  No wonder I had such a mondo weight loss.  I'm just lucky my body didn't revolt on me and hold what I was eating.  I'm eating and I'm eating quite well, apparently my body is enjoying all of it or I wouldn't be constantly losing weight.  I'm just worried about what's going to happen when it finally decides to 'hault' for bit.

I'm doing my best to change it up and now that I have running that should keep me good for at least another month but it still worries me sometimes.  The biggest issue I notice with running?  If I don't have the calories, that last 10 minutes or so is kinda tough.  I'm really looking forward to today though.  I'm determined to get to a 1000 calories before gym, I need it.

Here's why:  I eat 1000 calories. When I run 3 miles I burn about 550 calories.  In my everyday routines my body naturally burns 2398 calories.  That means my deficit is about 3000 calories a day if I only eat 1000 calories.  1000 intake - 550 workout - 2398 daily burn = *thumbs down*  3500 deficit = a lb of fat lost.  I can't keep this up.  I need to slow the process down a little bit.  I typically don't just run either, I do weights or core or both.  I like to walk out of gym with about 700 calorie burn workout under my belt.

I don't like eating big dinners and I only occasionally have dessert now so the idea of packing the calories in at the end of the day doesn't work and dinner is suppose to be your smallest meal anyway.

Alright, ranty enough, back to work.  I need to get hungry!

6 word Story: Day 2

Sun is shining inside and out.

24 hours

I have to remember that sometimes when you take a shot... you miss a shot.

Question is dear readers: Do you quit taking them to play it safe and not get hurt or do you charge after that ball and go for it again?

I know my answer.  What about you?

Six Word Story of the Day: March 10th

Winning and losing, my own irony.

Six Word Story of the Day

My friend Tee is in love with these.  Inspired by Hemmingway, here is the back story: 

THE HEMINGWAY CHALLENGE

Legend has it that Ernest Hemingway was challenged to write a story in just six words. The result: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Hemingway regarded it as his greatest work.  

Hemingway’s six word story and self-critique have never been verified but what is irrefutable is that great stories can be told in 60,000 words or just six.

I've decided to incorporate them into my blog.  I love the idea of them.  I figure March 10th is just as good day to start as any.

Thin Line that Binds Me

I'm all Pisces. I'm a lover of all things by the book of the universe.  I'm a free spirit who is quite mysterious, secretive and can be very reclusive when I so choose it.  I'm terribly over sensitive, I even annoy myself with it at times but it is who I am and I do my best to keep myself in check.  It is in my nature to want to be alone at times.  It's nothing against anyone but sometimes I find it's the best way to regroup.  If I feel something is off, I'm going to take the time to find out what it is, how I got there and what needs to happen to make it better.  I reside in the 12th House of Self-Undoing.  It may sound funny but it's actually written in my stars... astrology at it's best.  Most people get the House of Friendship or the House of Pleasure or Health.  I get Self-Undoing.  My sign being the make-up of all 12 signs is a dumping ground of sorts.  It's no wonder it's called Self-Undoing, that's a lot for people to carry around and being so sensitive to others does have its draw backs.

I spent a better part of my adult life doing things because "it was best for everyone else."  I still have my tendencies to sacrifice or silently give in even when I really don't want to.  I mean seriously, no one puts themselves first all the time, that would be one serious asshole.  The key is always balance.  Learning what is best to keep your soul happy, what makes you shine on the inside and the outside.  Inner turmoil and suffering sucks ass, no doubt.  If something isn't right or working for you... time to pull out your own DIY 'fix me' kit and get to work.  The only person responsible for your happiness is you and if you can't see that, you might as well stop reading here.  It may be hard, it may suck, it may be the worst thing (for the moment) but you have to look at the bigger picture sometimes... because the future is where we are headed, like it or not.

Lately with weight loss, goals, attitudes around me, moving, art desires and new people I'm finding myself wanting to pull a Pisces so to speak.  The double bodied part of my symbols are moving around... a lot.  Pisces are said to be fleeting but the thing that keeps them 'Earth Bound?'  One tiny string... it's the smallest and strongest line imaginable.  The string keeps the fish tied together so they can't lose one another, it would be like if yin lost its yang.  It wouldn't be pretty.  It's just enough to keep me grounded, it's impressive.  I always keep one thought in my head.  Don't mistake my seclusive nature as me bailing out or giving up, that's not what I mean at all... it's just I'm doing what I feel best, reflection.  Think of it like a CPA reconciling her ledgers at the end of the month.  Same idea.  Just checking things out making sure everything is balancing out.

So yeah... that put some perspective in my shoes.

No Whammies, No Whammies!

So after Friday nights fantastic workout I basically floated all night.  It still makes me smile just thinking about it.  I wanted a good weight loss. I wanted that 2.5lbs to get to my 30lb goal weight.  I was at 225.6.  I'm right on target to be in the teens so very soon.

I was super nervous.  I even made Lex go first to weigh in.  She rocked 3.5lbs which is huge because she's so much smaller.  I just kept visualizing thinner.  The scale was on it's way up... hesitated at 217.8 then 218.0 and stopped.  "OH CRAP!"  Is what slipped from my mouth.  The guy asked, "was that a good oh crap or a bad oh crap?"  I looked up and said, "OH it's GOOD!"  I got high fives all around from the weigh in boys... 7.6 lbs in one week.  John (head of the contest) said, I expect big numbers from you with 2 weeks off... 15lbs.  He was very serious.  Whoa.

I took 2 days off already.  I'm letting some stuff sink in and I had a pretty hectic week last week, so I wanted to just take it all in and analyze what to do next.  I'm tromped 2 goals in one week.  While I'd like to think I can stay at that pace, I need to really figure some stuff out.  At least I know I can add running into my workouts now.  I just have to be adamant about icing my foot afterward and I'll be fine.

I just realized IF I could lose that 15lbs in 2 weeks... I'd be 4lbs from 199 <-  That is my Big Middle goal.  It's literally within running distance now. I am 19lbs from my Middle Goal.  Wow.

See Me Run

I can't even believe I did it and I'm the one that did it.  We went to the gym tonight, as per usual it's our own "last chance workout" before our weigh in tomorrow morning.  I decided I needed to mix it up tonight.  I have to, we've been working out for 9 weeks and we pretty much do the same things.  I mean we do change things around a little but I do very little walking because of my foot.  I spend a MAJOR part of my time on the elliptical.  We have a love/hate relationship.  I secretly do love it but I'll never say it while I'm on it.  Yesterday I had an awesome workout and it almost beat me.  I was on level 10 for 30 minutes.  Then we did some squats with a weighted ball, LOVE THAT.

Let's get back to today.  I'm still smiling so so SOO BIG!  My goal tonight was to try intervals on the treadmill.  The natural growth (in my head) is to start using my foot more as I drop weight.  I decided to do 35 minutes.  Start with 3 minutes walking, pray with all my might for 5 minutes running, 3 minutes walking and so on and so forth till the 35 minutes were up.  Most AWESOMEST of awesome things happened when I got to 8 minutes... I wasn't out of breath, hell, I wasn't even warm yet.  So I decided to go to 13 minutes, that would be 10 minutes running, that made me smile.  I was so proud of myself for the 5 minutes as it was.  So here we are fast approaching 13 minutes... just barely getting a little sweat but still not out of breath, STILL just fine.  Next goal: 18 minutes, that would be 15 minutes running.  Me!  Running for 15 minutes.  The whole idea of this blows my mind.  18 minutes came and went, 23 minutes came and went, then 28, then here came 35 minutes.  I only walked the first 3 minutes and ran the entire 32 minutes.  At 30 minutes I looked down and had run 2 miles.  I ran 2 miles in 30 minutes.  I can't get over it.  The other interesting part?  I never truly got out of breath.  I had a nice pace at 3.9 going.  I want to do that twice a week.  I never thought running would make me so happy.

Note to me for a later reference:  Remember that Nelly Furtado song, do it for yourself and remember how for 32 minutes you ran with the biggest of smiles and the greatest of feelings that you've had in a long, long time.

My Day at the DMV

I decided to not pay attention to my drivers license and turns out, it expired on my birthday this year.  This means I had to endure the DMV to get it renewed.  Craziness. So I took the morning off to tromp down there and put my 'time' in.  Well a few small flaws in that plan.  I may have overslept a little which made me late and all that means is long lines and wait times.  Even the "start" line had a 10 minute long line, it was impressive.  She handed me my paperwork to fill out and my Number.  I was given G92.  They were on G41.  Along with the A's, B's, C's, D's, E's, F's, H's and I's mixed in.  About a 2 hour wait... so I took my time filling out my paperwork and stood in a corner till a seat opened up that I wanted to stay in during my time.  Here are some highlights of my visit:

~*~

-Dude walks up to another dude and says,
"Hey man, what are you in here for?"  (okay so he can check prison off his list of life accomplishments)

"I got another ticket and had to come pay my fines from some other 'stuff.' (come on, we know you mean a DUI dipshit)

"Oh yeah, what'd ya lay down today?" 

"$300 and as of April 8th, I lose my license... their f'n crazy like that fool." (shakes head)

"What'd you do?" (yes, what DID you do?)

"Well after my DUI (thanks for confirming that one) and some tickets I got all these points."  (no shit)

"Whaaa... no way?!"

"Yeah, I have 8 pts" (Daaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmn)

Then there was some other [explicitve] after [explictive] talk and how he can't reapply for it till October.  Good stuff, he was so surprised.  LMAO

~*~There was a man who had on blue cargo shorts, a light blue button up shirt, a blue fishing hat with some bright design but the best part?  *wait for it...*  He had on shiny (like prom dress shiny) yellow elf shoes.  No joke.  They had a curl at the tip and everything.  There was a couple standing next to me, the guy says "look at that."  The girl looks over at the guy walking by and says with a glazed look on her face "I love the DMV."  Okay, that made me chuckle a little.

~*~The guy next to me who was studying for his commercial drivers license.  Nothing too funny about him.  He was a nice kid.  Typical 'waited' till the last minute to study.  He was reading through practice test after practice test trying to retain everything he could.  I'm pretty sure the 2 hours he put in studying while sitting there was probably about all the studying he did.  I offered to read him some questions to change it up a bit.  He didn't do too badly.

~*~There was a kid that needed to fill out the same form I did plus one other one.  I'm pretty sure he couldn't read.  (no I'm not laughing at this at all, it made me quite sad actually)  He couldn't comprehend where to spell out his name or how to fill it out.  It basically is the normal info form; name, address, mailing address, phone number, that sorta thing.

~*~Then you have the normal, happy teenagers getting their licenses for the first time (Lord help us all).  LOL  I literally saw a girl skip outside after she passed.  It was pretty cute.

I finally finished up at 2:30pm.  I ended up taking the whole day off.  I got my oil change done too.  I figure I might as well get it all done while I'm off.  It was a very productive day and I was quite happy about it.