6 Word Story:

Alone because you refuse good people

Not Going There

I am really having a stressful day at work.  It's okay though because I am thankful to have my job when it comes down to it.  I just need to get caught back up.  I'm close but with boys trying to get me to do stupid tasks, calls with extra work, calls because of lost reports (on their end, not mine) and other trivial things, it makes it hard to actually get caught up.  So I'm not going to 'go there' and be pissed because really?  Why waste ALL that energy?  There is one thing that is keeping me treading along.  A thought...

I woke up to such a beautiful sight this morning and this is my reminder to write about it when I have some time.  I just keep replaying it in my mind and it brings this school girl grin to my face.  *shrugs* yeah, that's all I got.

6 Word Story:

Eyes Close, Startled Awake by Ice

6 Word Story:

Don't waste lifes' gift of possibility

6 Word Story:

Lost Wallet Rode on Indiana Jones

6 Word Story:

Staples Removed: Scar says I survived

Honesty

So I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do this morning.  I told the truth.  I had a conversation with a great friend last night, she reminded me of a value I had most certainly lost.  She did it without even realizing she did it, that was the beauty of it actually.  I went home and did a lot of thinking.  I woke up doing more and decided I wanted to keep my value in tact.

Turns out, I'm walking a lot lighter now.  Even with all the other stuff I have going on with my mom.  As darke as I've felt lately, as low as my life has been... I really feel better now.  I don't know where I'm going from here but I know that I can move upward now, FINALLY.  Forward and with a clean conscious.  I've laid out a new path for myself and I'm looking forward to what ever it brings, tough or easy.  It's going to be okay, I really believe that today and it feels nice.

6 Word Story:

Time Machine: Music Takes Me Back

Recent Blow

I found out today that a gaming friend died last week.  I mean what the fuck?  I can not wrap my little pea brain around much right now.  I talked to him like a month ago online about playing Magic again and now... well, it will never happen again.  So this poses more questions for me, like the rest of life seems to be doing right now.

What if I were gone tomorrow?  Would you be alright with where we left off in life?

R.I.P. Billie, you were a helluva guy.  Brilliant, articulate and sweet as a summer day is long...

6 Word Story:

Become the thing I'm to you

Boy Skips about because of his Girl

I have a great room mate.  I've mentioned him before, Joel.  I was standing in the living room and he came out of his room and did this little skip while making this giddy noise.  I asked him what was up and he said, "Oh, just me getting excited."  He opened the door and hopped out toward his girlfriend who was walking up the front walk.  The ironic thing is, I was crying at the time about how much pain and alone I feel.

It still made me smile and think: "I love LOVE."  I want a passionate and fun relationship, that skip a heart beat, random smile as that person crosses your mind during the day, gives you a look across the room that makes your legs feel like jello kinda love.  I want someone to skip toward me or wait for me at the door when I come home.  I want someone to kiss me in front of strangers or hold my hand and always know they have a passion for me and can't keep their hands off me.  I just want a chance for that.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  It's not going to help, it's not going to solve anything but it just sounds like the next step.  A chance, just one little chance...

6 Word Story:

Wish I wasn't who I've become.

6 Word Story:

As days progress, feeling less progressive.

6 Word Story:

Sunday Dinners, Never the Same Again

Tee and I went to my parents this evening to check on the dogs and clean out some of the flowers that had died.  I walked in the house and it felt empty.  Not like the "oh they're away on a trip" kinda empty but like the soul of the house has been removed.  As we headed home it struck me that I would normally be headed home about that same time but from a dinner of food made with love and a lot of smiles and stories of golf games from the morning.  Turns out... that isn't going to happen again for a long, long time and it sickened me to tears.

6 Word Story:

We're all just works in progress.

As I'm getting judged and alienated all over the place... I'm adopting this thought for now.  I do appreciate those of you who at least have had the decency to be honest with me about how you feel.  That's all I've ever asked.

No Title (weird I know)

So yesterday I was prompted with an interesting thought:

"Do you forgive me for wanting to be happy?"

I have a VERY intriguing and wonderful room mate by the name of Joel.  He is very insightful and quite brilliant, not just by textbook standards but in a very matter of fact way of thinking about life.  I truly enjoy our kitchen conversations, we have them quite often.  Yesterdays conversation was in the garage though.  I wonder if that means something?

He was asking me some things along a personal matter and yes I know I'm not alluding anyone, it is about my break up.  I explained things, did some out loud internalizing and he took a very "open minded" approach.  I'm not surprised in the least.  I just wanted to note that sentence so I have it for reference in weeks to come :)

A surprising turn of events was when he stated that I was inspiring him to get back into shape.  I was humbled, yet again and smiled graciously at him.

I want to get back to gym.  I just hate sleeping, my nightmares are fierce and waking up with a neon flasher of "CANCER" on my mind is getting tougher and tougher.  I can't work out if I can't get good rest... but I am forming a plan because I don't want to make excuses as to why I can't do something.  I want to problem solve on how TO accomplish something.

When it comes down to it I'm not going to blame someone else for what I'm chosing to do (or not do).  I am responsible for me... 'nuff said.

6 Word Story:

And every chance you get... hurry!

6 Word Story:

Losing It; Feeling Anger; Hurtful Words

Strangers Make Me Smile

As of late, it seems that I'm finding comfort from strangers.  I'm not saying ONLY from strangers, its just some of the randomness of words escaping the mouths of people I run into throughout my days lately has caught my attention.  I believe the universe is giving me the reminder I've needed.

This started out about a week and half ago when I posted a descriptive status update on FB.  Some one I befriended in the art community popped up on chat to let me know how much he enjoyed my writing and proclaim I should look further into such endeavors.  *gasp*  

Today I ran to taco bell to pick up food for my boss and the drive thru girl went to grab my money and stopped in mid reach, I looked up and she said "Wow!  Your hair is amazing and it compliments your face really well."  Okay, so in an attempt to not completely melt down in embarrassment in my seat, I smiled and replied, "aww thank you."  She smiled and said, "Yeah, you're cute." She let the window close and walked off to grab the food.

*gasp*  Well allllriiiight then.

THEN I went to Shell to get my sacrificial Red Bull. My old buddy who works at the counter, let me interject here: She is this crazy, loud lady who cusses like a sailor and says what is on her mind, looked at me when I walked in, yelled across the store "What. The. FUCK?!"  I just started laughing.  She continued on, "Where have you been?  (I head toward the counter) Hold up, you lost a ton of weight!  What are you doing?  Damn girl, you look gooood."  So by this the the delivery guy and the 2 other customers, also regulars, were starring at me.  I just laughed it off, said thanks and told her about going to gym.  I was then asked how much weight I had lost and how much more I wanted to lose.  After proclaiming my goals, the delivery guy chimed in with a "you look good, don't lose too much more."  More gracious smiles, thanks and shades of red.

So yeah *looks up toward the sky* I hear you loud and clear.

6 Word Story:

Hope for Future, Can't See It.

:::Beckon Me:::

She draws me out to her

I'm but a pawn on her chess board.

I stand there, looking, breathing, fighting

It's useless, I'll give in, she knows what she's doing.

I've always had a weakness for the deep blue of her eyes

For her touch, oh what a touch! cool and calming.

I seek her peaceful nature and fear her wrath

Her power, her gentleness, her strength, her beauty.

I wish I could be such a force.

Have such a way with my own self

That not many could aleve such an insatiable desire to be near me.

No one person could handle such a power

Only the Gods we read about in stories could possess such gifts.

This is why they bestowed it upon such things all people can enjoy

This is how the ocean beckons me to her...

6 Word Story:

Bring me Darke; Light is Pain

:::Not Really Mine:::

Heart of mine, you ache in 3 directions

Which way will you go?

Heart of mine, you are breaking

I must catch all of the pieces.

Heart of mine, keep strong

You must continue to beat, even if you must skip once in awhile.

Heart of mine... you're not really mine at all.

Bonus 6 Word Story:

Pushing me away, further and harder.

6 Word Story: 
Cancer Diaries: 1 day after surgery 

Hope for Her; Faith in Future

6 Word Story:

Death Sentence: Failed Words, Empty Inside

Six Word Story:

The Most Beautiful Bullshit Phrase Uttered.

Effect/Reflect

Words have meanings.  Words put together in sentences have impacts.  Words with inflection can put a lifetime of hurt to someone... especially when said in the heat of the moment.

I can't and won't undermine how someone feels.  I understand hurt and anger all too well.  I also hold, all too closely, words that have been thrown at me in the heat of a moment.  Painful, spiteful, angry words...

The effect words have is amazing.  So damaging, they can't be taken back, no matter how much you try.

Reflecting on the words, as they really set in days later, well that is when the hurt sets in.

It's tough to put those filters on when emotions on sitting right on the edge just waiting to jump off and be heard.  There is a way to counter this, well at least a little.  One.  Simple.  Word.  Communication.

The foundation of any good relationship, the key to knowing how to help or fix things going on with the other person.  Holding it in, keeping it to yourself and "dealing" with it on your own or letting it pass, doesn't work.  It just doesn't, well not at least for me.

When anger is held in, multiple things start to happen.  Counter part can feel something is wrong but if nothing is ever said... the growing apart begins.  Little 'shots' start to be taken.  Uttering words loud enough to be heard and thrown at someone are just not right.  This is not how you communicate your feelings.  This is what happens when you give up.  Laying on guilt does nothing but keep driving that wedge and serve as a reminder of the bookshelf of things that have been ignored.

Pain is life and boy am I sitting in the ultimate pit of life right now...

Epic Fail on the Finish of "Center Stage"

So I got to work on my bottle about 8:pm... oops.  Needless to say, with some other minor distractions; cooking, eating, making lists, changing my mind about colors, etc.  I finished up a little after 1:am.  I wasn't tired and could have easily gone on till 3:am but I do have to work.

I'm not even half way done with her yet... I have to hope for some kind of miracle tonight because something tells me tomorrow is going to be very exhausting.  

Six Word Story:

Wasn't suppose to be like this

Watching my Mom

The Cancer Diaries - 3 days before surgery

I sit here on a bar stool facing the kitchen on Easter Sunday finishing my slice of banana cream pie.  I look up and see my mom washing dishes like she's done so many times before.  This time, however, she looks so different to me.  I notice how she stares out the window in front of her.  Starring off so intensly I have to wonder what she's thinking about.

It's 3 days till her surgery.  The surgery that will tell us the news we've all been waiting to hear for the past 2 weeks.  The news that could change so many lives.

Something inside of me says this is probably the very thing swirling around in her head right now.

This blog may sound bleak but its not at all.  I write these words to serve a purpose, a reminder.  Life is fleeting.  We are born set on a path toward death.  It begins as we take that first breath and scream for life.

Living unhappy, living in pain, living without hope... well that isn't really living now is it?

I watch her now, I look at her with different eyes.  I want to take her fears away.  I want to watch her stand in front of that sink again telling me about her golf game and how she f'd up some putt on the 7th hole.  Listening to her talk about prepping for surgery and my aunt coming in to take care of things sounds so nightmarish.  It's almost incomprehensible but here we sit discussing such informalities.

~Here is your reminder for hope and events that will and need to happen because when it comes down to it, you want to live a passionate life.~

Artistic Procrastination

It's a beautiful thing.  *giggles incessantly* I've had my bottle for about a month and a half to paint for the Bakersfield Museum of Art.  I figured out about 3 weeks ago what I wanted to put on it.  I just started transferring the images on to the bottle last Wednesday.  It's due this Tuesday, I might be a little behind.

Thursday I ended up being too drained from working on it for 6 hours the night before.  I had some other things on my mind and cleaning seemed (and felt) like a much better outlet for me.  I then planned on doing the 2nd transfer Friday night... well that didn't work out either.  Saturday came around and I started to realize that I'm running out of 'drying' time.  I also realized that in order to make my carrot cake I needed to get my bake even strips so I needed to run to Michael's first.  My friend Tee has a son and he asked to come along and I was quite excited to say yes.  We got to talk about stuff and he reminds me of how much I miss coaching high school kids.  He really is an amazing guy and I love how we chat about stuff.  He's honest with me and I like it, it's very refreshing.  He is very much into wrestling and is more than happy to teach me since I know absolutely nothing about it.  He also enjoys showing me the down sides of wrestling; illnesses, sicknesses and stuff of that nature.  Turns out he started to get something called cauliflower ear.  You should YouTube it if you don't know what it is... it can get pretty gnarly.  Anyway, he wanted to get it drained so we spent some time driving around trying to find a needle and someone to do it.  We even went to urgent care but they wanted his primary care physician to do it so that was a bust.  Thankfully, we have a super cool roommate who was more than happy to assist with it.  It's fine now so YAY :)  So the moral of that story was I didn't get a chance to work on my bottle.

Sunday I woke up and made french toast and bacon...mmm.  Cleaned up and then laid on the couch, it seemed like a much better idea at the time.  I was playing with the iTouch and decided to check my horoscope which basically told me to stop procrastinating and get to work on any project I have going on.  I giggled and thought it was strange that they can be so spot on.  It took me about 15 minutes but I got all the stuff out to put the 2nd transfer on so it could dry while we went to my parents house for Easter Linner.

Hung out there for a few hours, grabbed some movies on the way home, Lex headed to my aunt & uncles to assist with some I.T. work and I had a lot of art supplies and paints to find and gather.  I didn't realize how scattered it was/is.  I have stuff in both storage's too which is kind of a bummer but for the most part I found everything I needed, just took me some time.  Then I realized I didn't have my glasses anyway so set up time was a good thing.

I got about 1/4 of the first piece done... she will be tough but I'm hoping to finish her tomorrow night.  Keeping my glass 1/2 full :)

Compliment from a Stranger

So I've been letting my soul speak out for the past couple of weeks.  At a time in my life where things are very uncertain and unsettling, I figure I need an outlet.  Unfortunately, I have some set backs going on with gym, so that isn't an option for me right now.  That really saddens me because it made me so happy not that long ago but now it serves as a painful reminder of things that are going on in my life.  I'll have to deal that when the time presents itself.

I'm inspired by simple things.  I like the way that sounds but more importantly I like the way it feels.  I wrote a status update on Facebook last Friday:

My ah-ha moment. I walk out of the garage each morning and as the door opens I'm revealed my day. I see blue skies on occasion, sometimes they are kissed with fluffy white clouds. Other days they are branded by looming grey ones. Sometimes the wind kisses my cheek but no matter what I see, a wondrous thing happens to me; it immediately releases an emotion inspiring me to write. Darke or not... I must embrace it.

I didn't think much of it when I wrote it. It was exactly what I wanted it to be; what I was feeling at the time. Moments later the little 'pop' from Facebook chat came across my speakers. I toggled over to find a window from a new add, someone I do not know but befriended me because of common interests and friends we share. He said: Okay, you don't really know me, but I gotta tell you your post was quite lyrical! & Do you write as part of your job? My reply: "I do not actually. I wish I did." To which he finished with: You're good at it. Food for thought.

I have to say that was pretty dang awesome. It made my day and I can't help but wonder what it would be like to write more and with such a purpose. Thank you RB for your kind words, they really did make an impression. I'm curious as to how I'll proceed with this new found feeling.

*smiles* Thank you...

A friend sent me a great email today and this is how she ended it:

"Always remember that some of the most beautiful things were borne out of darkeness." 

6 Word Story:

I have replaced crying with writing

*at this point, crying seems like it would be easier*

Irony

Why does pain fuel such deep, rich emotions?  Pain.  A simple 4 letter word that has such an impact on our entire being.  I've been pushing it a side, tucking it in, setting it in a jar on the shelf, ignoring it, keeping a light jog to stay ahead of it... you see where I'm going.  *taps desk like a teacher and says* "Now class, what do we know about not dealing with our problems?  Anyone... ANYONE?!"

You forget which side you pushed it to and walk into it, you accidentally crawl into bed with it, the jar falls off the shelf and breaks open, it sends you a RED envelope, special delivery letter, you trip and fall and it smothers you while you're lying on the ground.  So I'm pretty sure, dear readers, you are seeing what just happened and how I'm left lying on the ground.

Let me just interject that I did this to myself and with all the current happenings I'm 'okay' with being here.  I'm not a down or naturally negative person, that actually destroys everything I'm about.  This place where I currently am, was bound to happen.  The biggest problem I'm dealing with is I can't move forward or up right now.  I'm stuck in a state of here.  THAT is the part that is tough for me.  Usually I have something to draw me upwards and right now, I'm blank.

I love music.  Anyone who knows me, knows this.  A lyric can catch my attention and send me soaring to another place.  The irony is that right now with all this pain and hurt I'm going through, I've been inspired to let out so much emotion through writing.  If I had the time, I could easily put out 5 stories of great length.  It's like the pain is pushing its way out through my fingers and trying to remind me how to feel every emotion.  In a time, go figure, where I don't want to feel anything actually.  It's draining and to be perfectly blunt; I'm fucking over it right now.

Just bleeding through my words in every direction, no band-aid.

There are Strings Attached

As she looks into my eyes it takes everything in my power to not just give in to her.

"I like the idea of strings attached.  That something is tied to you... to one other.  That maybe there is something so strong holding us together that we finally have found that safety we're looking for and have always wanted.  A bind that can not be broken because there are roots grown to such great depths they are hundreds of years deep, protected and being fed with love, digging in deeper and deeper."

I watch her lips move and she speaks in a poetic rhythm to my heart.  I love her idea of romance, it's inspiring to say the least.

~Piece of a story I didn't want to forget - N2M~