Missing

As today marks day 23 of a personal nature, I'm tired of constantly having to live in a state of restrooms, being tired and now stumbling/feeling dizzy.  I still had 7 more days till my appointment.  With recent blood work showing my blood levels dropping and me running into more doors and walls, I made a call that ended with me right back in the docs office within the hour.  3 biopsies later, my crying out to strangers, many tears and even more pain, I find myself sitting here cramping and thinking of the one good thing I heard today... an unborn babies heartbeat.  As I walked into the restroom to "pee in a cup" I heard it.  I heard that hearbeat on the ultrasound behind a curtain next to me.  As I closed the door, I smiled as tears formed thinking how that was one of the sweetest sounds I could have heard at that very moment.  I've never wanted to have children, per say but over the years I have adopted and taken in many a child as if they were my own.  Some are still around and some have walked on but I do love kids very much and do not hesitate to give love and care for them deeply.

The part of me that has been missing for the past few weeks is me actually feeling like a girl.  I have hidden under ponytails, baggy, cotton clothes, no make up and no jewelry.  Haven't had any urge to go out, dress up and have any sort of attention drawn to me.  It's a very weird and lonely feeling to go through life feeling like you have to hide yourself.  I hope this medication helps and doesn't have the same side effects of the last one I tried.  Because when it's all said and done, I still have hope.

Sick

This has been a VERY tough year in the health arena.  Out of 70 days this year, I've been well approximately 21 days.  That is quite depressing.  Not sure what is going on with me but I haven't been able to get to gym or take on very much at all this year.  Making Sunday dinner is a pretty big deal and thank goodness I have help or that probably wouldn't happen some days either.  I've been sleeping a lot, taking meds and nothing was helping.  I went to Urgent care on my 3rd cold and he basically told me, I had to "get through it and there was nothing they could do." Nice.

Well after 3 weeks of being sick, I switched doctors and went back.  This doctor was much more receptive to listen to me and check me over more thoroughly.  She gave me a very aggressive pill regimen and by day 2 I was already 50 times better.  Now, (as of day 5) I need to stay well so I can start training for my 1/2 marathon.  I don't need another health hiccup to keep me from this goal.  I want to be healthy again and maintain a good weight.  I'm hoping todays walk goes well and this is the 1st of many workouts to come.

*here's to hoping*

Relationships

I was having a conversation the other day about people being in love, loving someone and falling out of love and relationship "work" in general.  People fall in and out of love every day.  It's a very sad and true notion.  You hear, "relationships are hard work" at every corner and while this may be true in some sense, the romantic side of me doesn't believe they are "work" in the drone, day after day kinda way but more like your ideal dream job that you long to run to every morning.  It isn't always peaches but at the end of the day, you're still pretty damn happy about it.  You go to bed each night trying to think of new and creative ways to make it grow, keep it fresh and in turn, it will make you smile inside and out.  Now THAT is the kind of relationship I want.  The kind where someone doesn't let the day after days get to them at ever turn or kink in the road but instead, decides to find some creative way to get through it, add some glitter and wade on by with a smile.  Life is hard. I'm not downplaying that for one second but if you allow every emotion, HUGE to teeny, to get to you and knock you down, life is going to be hard, not only for you but for everyone around you.  Sadly, you could be on a fast track to being alone...

The idea of falling in love and creating ways to continually fall in love, with that same person, over and over again, sounds like the greatest adventure to me.  And in no way, does it sound like "hard work" at all, not if you truly believe in love.

Yeah, it's kinda like that in my head. 

The Infamous September 22nd & the gift of peace given to my family

Today while I work, I hear the chime of "front door." Nothing unusual there till I start to head to the front and see my mom's car in the window. I had no idea what she could be doing there and then I saw her... tear's streaming down her face. I was mortified. I knew her results were coming in soon to know if she was completely cancer free. She looked at me, eyes all red and said, "Looks like you're stuck with me. How does it feel to have a cancer free mom?" We wrapped our arms around each other and cried and cried. My aunt and my dad came in shortly behind her.

I can't believe it. I mean I kept every ounce of positive I have had left for her. I've been battling my own demons for some time but I REFUSED to let those emotions fall into her positive thoughts needed to get through this. I still feel like it didn't happen, like that was a dream. I'm sure as the days pass and she continues to grow stronger, it will sink in. She's been starting to get on me about things again. I never thought I'd say this but I'm glad she'll be around to nag me for years and years to come :o)

So after all the mushy hugs and loves, I asked her what her plans were for the day, she smiled so big and said, "We're going to Eagle Mtn. Casino!" I just laughed, it's like her own Disneyland.

What a most Wonderful day... such a gift, the gift of health, my mom, love, life, family... just magic for us.

Right Around the Corner

I was thinking about love, broken hearts, the unknown and here is how my romantic muse, a song and this photo inspired this story.

I sit along this light post, starring at the sky painted above. I take a sip from my apple-tini and feel it dance slowly down to my stomach. I close my eyes and take in every bit of it's flavor. A smile slowly draws itself across my face, I inhale a deep breath as I set my glass down to rest for a moment. As I reopen my eyes I see people walk past, to and fro. Some very fast, some very loud, others just strolling around. I see couples, friends, parents, children... and I begin to wonder about her.

I reach for my glass again and take a long sip, once again enjoying every flavor that is skipping across my palette. She seeps to the forefront of my thoughts. The smile she possesses, the way she opens a door for me, the way she looks at me from across a crowded room and makes me feel like I'm the only one there. We're always laughing, even at the silliest of things. Even in our serious moments we can find a way to smile. I love that about us. She reaches for my hand as many times as there are moments for her to do so. She takes me in her arms and we dance together, anywhere because the music is within us. We have just as much fun on a road trip as we do sitting next to each other on the couch. It truly doesn't matter where we are as long as we're together. People are sickened by our "cuteness." We go on long walks together, constantly talking about ideas and what's coming up next. The way she coddles over me, the way she brings things before I even realize I wanted them until they are in my hand. Constant and equal admiration toward one another. Being able to "feel" when something isn't quite right and knowing how to fix it. Passion that runs so deep and long that it could overflow every empty stream or canal in the world. A feeling of knowing that this person has gifted you their entire being, entrusted you with their very soul... this, this is what I long for.

As he says... "I just haven't met you yet."

Watching my Mom

The Cancer Diaries - 3 days before surgery

I sit here on a bar stool facing the kitchen on Easter Sunday finishing my slice of banana cream pie.  I look up and see my mom washing dishes like she's done so many times before.  This time, however, she looks so different to me.  I notice how she stares out the window in front of her.  Starring off so intensly I have to wonder what she's thinking about.

It's 3 days till her surgery.  The surgery that will tell us the news we've all been waiting to hear for the past 2 weeks.  The news that could change so many lives.

Something inside of me says this is probably the very thing swirling around in her head right now.

This blog may sound bleak but its not at all.  I write these words to serve a purpose, a reminder.  Life is fleeting.  We are born set on a path toward death.  It begins as we take that first breath and scream for life.

Living unhappy, living in pain, living without hope... well that isn't really living now is it?

I watch her now, I look at her with different eyes.  I want to take her fears away.  I want to watch her stand in front of that sink again telling me about her golf game and how she f'd up some putt on the 7th hole.  Listening to her talk about prepping for surgery and my aunt coming in to take care of things sounds so nightmarish.  It's almost incomprehensible but here we sit discussing such informalities.

~Here is your reminder for hope and events that will and need to happen because when it comes down to it, you want to live a passionate life.~