17 hours of Work; Awake for 40.5 hours total

With all the happenings with my mom and her extended stay at the hospital, I missed a lot of work in March and April.  Then I decided to get sick and missed some days for that as well.  Lack of drive and a few weeks later and I was severely behind at work.  A lot of patience from my bosses which is nice but for my sanity I really needed to get caught up and back on a  good, solid schedule.  Enter my decision for Monday night.  I decided to come in around 8 or 9:pm and work till midnight or 1:am.  I'm usually up that late anyway, why the hell not?

So got here around 9, got set up and laid some stuff out.  I put everything down on a dry erase board which really put it into perspective and also put a really big "I'm fucked" face on for me.  20 tasks ahead of me, so with my best Super Mario voice, "Here we GO!"

Somewhere about 2:30am I decided I was wide ass awake and on a roll.  I still had a TON to do, I think I only had like 6 tasks knocked off my list at that point.  I was finishing up my 3rd energy drink and decided I should go get some food and more energy drinks if I planned on making it an all nighter.  Jack n the Box and AM/PM rock is all I have to say.  I was workin' along but around 4:30am I got pretty tired, so I napped for about 20ish minutes, woke up and decided to clean out some stuff to help wake me up.  Totally worked.  Same thing happened around 7:am. but by this time I had 12 tasks knocked off my board.

I kept working along and decided billing would have to wait because I was in no way in a good mindset to be working with thousands of cash monies.  I just had to wait for a couple special samples to come in and then I was outta here.  So I worked Monday from 7:30am to 4:30pm, then 9:pm (Monday night) till 2:30pm Tuesday.  I had such a piece of mind walking out of work, it was awesome!

I headed toward home and decided I wanted to tan and take a mini nap.  So I did, slept right through the whole thing and for 10 minutes after it turned off, I might have been tired.  LOL  I headed home and felt a lot better.  I decided to make some seafood enchiladas and mini oreo cheesecakes for a friend.  Yes, I know I'm crazy but being in the kitchen is such a comfort for me and makes me so smiley face.

Finished that up, cleaned up my mess and sat in the office trying to figure out what to do next.  I played around online for a bit and couldn't stop thinking about cameras.  My dad called and mom is doing mega worlds better now that she's sleeping *HUGE SMILES*  YAY MOMMA!

Finally took a shower with my new scrubs (super soothing btw) and relaxed into my p.j.'s.  Trying and trying to get tired.  I felt really relaxed but I couldn't stop reading specs on the D90, D3000 and D5000.  My dad gave me the "all clear" to get which ever one I wanted.  Decided to crawl into bed about 10:30 and watch TV.  Closed my eyes, opened my eyes, closed my eyes... this went on for awhile but I think around midnight I finally got into a spot and fell a sleep.  I woke up stiff and with one helluva headache!  Can you say caffeine hangover?  I knew you could... fuck me sideways that hurt...

So I'm finally better at work, time to do some food prep and get my gym schedule set back up again.  I'm ready for some normalacy again.  

6 Word Story:

Give Love; Not Gonna Run Out

6 Word Story:

Snap Shot: Frozen Moment in Time

Where are you going?

I was proposed with an interesting question the other night from a friend.  She asked me, "Where are you going with love?"  I have to admit, for one of the few times in my life I was speechless.  I opened and closed my mouth like a fish breathing.  I really had nothing.  I had 9 million ways to Tuesday to explain it, until actually asked it aloud, then suddenly, blank.

The funny part of the happenings in my head were that it lead me to one of my favorite DMB songs and at THAT moment, I finally understood what that song meant.  I had a meaning for myself but now it had all changed and this song became even more special to me.

"But I do know one thing, that's where you are is where I belong.  I do know where you go, is where I want to be.  Where are you going?"

Simply stated, he's so in love with love that no matter where she is in life with love, he's in exactly (and happily wants to be) in the same place mind, heart and soul.  LOVE the idea of that...

6 Word Story:

Write it Now or Lose Forever

Rose Colored Spectacles

It's an interesting phrase actually.  I've been told this throughout different times in my life.  I'm not sure I ever really understood it till about 5 minutes ago... and I have to say, what an eye opener.  Loud and clear, noted.

6 Word Story:

She drank so hard; bottle ached.

Respecting What is Asked

I really am putting forth an effort to take care of things in a way that best suits me and the people who choose to be involved in the happenings of my everyday life.  I am watching my mom go through the battle of her life, literally.  Her situation has put a lot of things into perspective for me.  Too little, too late some may say, to those of you who say that... maybe it best we go our separate ways.  We'll always have the memories and for that I can smile for this moment and I thank you for what you have shown me.  I can't have the past hung over my head for the rest of my life, that will hinder my growth and life is too short to have that kind of feeling lingering around.  You are entitled to your feelings, I would never deny you of that.  I can only respect your feelings and we agree to disagree.

I do not want pity.  I get enough of those 'tilted-head' looks as it is.  I just need understanding people in my life and for what ever reason, the universe has given me some amazing people these past few weeks.  I didn't ask, there they were/are, just like that.  Those days when I just want to curl up and give in, well they are becoming fewer and farther between.  I know the battle is long from over but at least I'm trying.

Multiple parties have asked me to do things for their sake and I think I have handled each one of you the best way I can with what I have going on.  I understand that some of you don't agree with my methods as of late but know that I am responding to people who have approached me.  I am doing my best.  That may not be good enough for you and I'm sorry for that.  I really truly am.  I've been carrying anger and I haven't done that in years.  I realized it yesterday and it made me sad, really sad.  I can't do that.  I refuse to be THAT girl again.  I have enough on my plate and adding angry girl isn't going to make any of it easier.

Just know that I love each of you and I'm here but I'm respecting the bounds that have been set by some of you, either from lack of communication, emails, texts, etc.

It really is strange how an illness can change so many ways you look at life and the things around you.  

6 Word Story:

My Soul, You Set it Alight

6 Word Story:

"I am clay in your hands."

*This one has Landyn's name on it. *

Half Empty Quote

"A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out." (the strike through is purely because of how much crap I think this quote it right now).

I saw this and did a very sarcastic laugh.  I know someone going through quite the opposite of this and I can't get over the irony of it all.

I have to say it seems more like this for her lately:

"The whole world seems to be coming in when people I thought were my friends have checked out."

~Keep your head up~

6 Word Story:

Destructive Behavior: Affects Him Aftermath Ahead

Oh what the hell... I need to move out of my house of undoing.  Let's get back to some good.  *drops face in hands*

The Shell

Cancer Diaries - Still adjusting; her-feeding tube, me-seeing her

So I haven't been able to see my mom for about 2 weeks.  I've been sick with this fantastic cold but even better, a cough.  That pretty much put me blocked from seeing my mom at all.  I call to check in but with the past conversations and lack of 'complete' information, I do have to wonder how accurate the information is.  I've been told she is doing better.  She is home now and learning how to function.  My dad, aunt and cousin are at her beck and call.  Oddly enough, she is VERY good about asking for every little thing and they happily run around for her.

She was having some problems with vomiting the day before so when she went to the doctor yesterday they gave her a shot to help ease with the digestion and nausea.  The side effect was Zombie-esque mom last night.  I was on my way in from Taft visiting a friend and decided that I was clear enough to stop by and see her.  As she was happy to see me, it took her a bit to realize I was there.  I got updates while we sat around the living room.

She doesn't look as good as they described or how I imagined her in my head.  I'm not saying she's not better but she is a shell of the mom I know and that makes me want to vomit.  I'm trying to wrap my head around it.  This woman who was strong, assertive, ass-kicking, stubborn as the day is long, determined, carried the weight of everyone in her life... is now this tiny, shell of a woman that only seems to exist in my head.  It's as if I imagined her as a character in one of my stories.  She's down about 17lbs now, watching her at 161 is weird.  I've NEVER seen her under 175 before so that adds to the frail stature she has now become.

I think my being sick gave me an out about not having to deal with seeing her day to day and I'm yet again, left to play "catch up" with my feelings and dealings with what is going on.  I went to gym afterwards and I could feel it all creeping in.  The sadness, oooh this one wasn't going to hide for very long.  I drove around for a little while after gym to try to get some air.  Breathing wasn't so simple as in and out.  Every breath had her name on it.  I was feeling everything that I had missed these past 2 weeks and it hurt.

I got home with the intention of writing this to help me process but that didn't work out.  Tee got home right before I did and in her wonderful, caring fashion, her concern and questions brought it all right to the surface.  I was forced to run out of the office and into the shower to sob alone.  I don't think I was in there very long but it felt like hours.  I came out, still with the intention of writing this but when she walked up behind me to hug me, I lost it, again.  Strange how the touch of another can make you weep without a second thought.  I guess I wasn't as done crying as I thought.  I'm just glad it did all make its way out.

It's going to get harder before it gets easier.  I'm not going to fool myself otherwise.  

6 Word Story:

Easier thought: Heart were an idea

6 Word Story:

Alone because you refuse good people

Not Going There

I am really having a stressful day at work.  It's okay though because I am thankful to have my job when it comes down to it.  I just need to get caught back up.  I'm close but with boys trying to get me to do stupid tasks, calls with extra work, calls because of lost reports (on their end, not mine) and other trivial things, it makes it hard to actually get caught up.  So I'm not going to 'go there' and be pissed because really?  Why waste ALL that energy?  There is one thing that is keeping me treading along.  A thought...

I woke up to such a beautiful sight this morning and this is my reminder to write about it when I have some time.  I just keep replaying it in my mind and it brings this school girl grin to my face.  *shrugs* yeah, that's all I got.

6 Word Story:

Eyes Close, Startled Awake by Ice

6 Word Story:

Don't waste lifes' gift of possibility

6 Word Story:

Lost Wallet Rode on Indiana Jones

6 Word Story:

Staples Removed: Scar says I survived

Honesty

So I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do this morning.  I told the truth.  I had a conversation with a great friend last night, she reminded me of a value I had most certainly lost.  She did it without even realizing she did it, that was the beauty of it actually.  I went home and did a lot of thinking.  I woke up doing more and decided I wanted to keep my value in tact.

Turns out, I'm walking a lot lighter now.  Even with all the other stuff I have going on with my mom.  As darke as I've felt lately, as low as my life has been... I really feel better now.  I don't know where I'm going from here but I know that I can move upward now, FINALLY.  Forward and with a clean conscious.  I've laid out a new path for myself and I'm looking forward to what ever it brings, tough or easy.  It's going to be okay, I really believe that today and it feels nice.

6 Word Story:

Time Machine: Music Takes Me Back

Recent Blow

I found out today that a gaming friend died last week.  I mean what the fuck?  I can not wrap my little pea brain around much right now.  I talked to him like a month ago online about playing Magic again and now... well, it will never happen again.  So this poses more questions for me, like the rest of life seems to be doing right now.

What if I were gone tomorrow?  Would you be alright with where we left off in life?

R.I.P. Billie, you were a helluva guy.  Brilliant, articulate and sweet as a summer day is long...

6 Word Story:

Become the thing I'm to you

Boy Skips about because of his Girl

I have a great room mate.  I've mentioned him before, Joel.  I was standing in the living room and he came out of his room and did this little skip while making this giddy noise.  I asked him what was up and he said, "Oh, just me getting excited."  He opened the door and hopped out toward his girlfriend who was walking up the front walk.  The ironic thing is, I was crying at the time about how much pain and alone I feel.

It still made me smile and think: "I love LOVE."  I want a passionate and fun relationship, that skip a heart beat, random smile as that person crosses your mind during the day, gives you a look across the room that makes your legs feel like jello kinda love.  I want someone to skip toward me or wait for me at the door when I come home.  I want someone to kiss me in front of strangers or hold my hand and always know they have a passion for me and can't keep their hands off me.  I just want a chance for that.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  It's not going to help, it's not going to solve anything but it just sounds like the next step.  A chance, just one little chance...

6 Word Story:

Wish I wasn't who I've become.

6 Word Story:

As days progress, feeling less progressive.

6 Word Story:

Sunday Dinners, Never the Same Again

Tee and I went to my parents this evening to check on the dogs and clean out some of the flowers that had died.  I walked in the house and it felt empty.  Not like the "oh they're away on a trip" kinda empty but like the soul of the house has been removed.  As we headed home it struck me that I would normally be headed home about that same time but from a dinner of food made with love and a lot of smiles and stories of golf games from the morning.  Turns out... that isn't going to happen again for a long, long time and it sickened me to tears.

6 Word Story:

We're all just works in progress.

As I'm getting judged and alienated all over the place... I'm adopting this thought for now.  I do appreciate those of you who at least have had the decency to be honest with me about how you feel.  That's all I've ever asked.

No Title (weird I know)

So yesterday I was prompted with an interesting thought:

"Do you forgive me for wanting to be happy?"

I have a VERY intriguing and wonderful room mate by the name of Joel.  He is very insightful and quite brilliant, not just by textbook standards but in a very matter of fact way of thinking about life.  I truly enjoy our kitchen conversations, we have them quite often.  Yesterdays conversation was in the garage though.  I wonder if that means something?

He was asking me some things along a personal matter and yes I know I'm not alluding anyone, it is about my break up.  I explained things, did some out loud internalizing and he took a very "open minded" approach.  I'm not surprised in the least.  I just wanted to note that sentence so I have it for reference in weeks to come :)

A surprising turn of events was when he stated that I was inspiring him to get back into shape.  I was humbled, yet again and smiled graciously at him.

I want to get back to gym.  I just hate sleeping, my nightmares are fierce and waking up with a neon flasher of "CANCER" on my mind is getting tougher and tougher.  I can't work out if I can't get good rest... but I am forming a plan because I don't want to make excuses as to why I can't do something.  I want to problem solve on how TO accomplish something.

When it comes down to it I'm not going to blame someone else for what I'm chosing to do (or not do).  I am responsible for me... 'nuff said.

6 Word Story:

And every chance you get... hurry!

6 Word Story:

Losing It; Feeling Anger; Hurtful Words

Strangers Make Me Smile

As of late, it seems that I'm finding comfort from strangers.  I'm not saying ONLY from strangers, its just some of the randomness of words escaping the mouths of people I run into throughout my days lately has caught my attention.  I believe the universe is giving me the reminder I've needed.

This started out about a week and half ago when I posted a descriptive status update on FB.  Some one I befriended in the art community popped up on chat to let me know how much he enjoyed my writing and proclaim I should look further into such endeavors.  *gasp*  

Today I ran to taco bell to pick up food for my boss and the drive thru girl went to grab my money and stopped in mid reach, I looked up and she said "Wow!  Your hair is amazing and it compliments your face really well."  Okay, so in an attempt to not completely melt down in embarrassment in my seat, I smiled and replied, "aww thank you."  She smiled and said, "Yeah, you're cute." She let the window close and walked off to grab the food.

*gasp*  Well allllriiiight then.

THEN I went to Shell to get my sacrificial Red Bull. My old buddy who works at the counter, let me interject here: She is this crazy, loud lady who cusses like a sailor and says what is on her mind, looked at me when I walked in, yelled across the store "What. The. FUCK?!"  I just started laughing.  She continued on, "Where have you been?  (I head toward the counter) Hold up, you lost a ton of weight!  What are you doing?  Damn girl, you look gooood."  So by this the the delivery guy and the 2 other customers, also regulars, were starring at me.  I just laughed it off, said thanks and told her about going to gym.  I was then asked how much weight I had lost and how much more I wanted to lose.  After proclaiming my goals, the delivery guy chimed in with a "you look good, don't lose too much more."  More gracious smiles, thanks and shades of red.

So yeah *looks up toward the sky* I hear you loud and clear.

6 Word Story:

Hope for Future, Can't See It.

:::Beckon Me:::

She draws me out to her

I'm but a pawn on her chess board.

I stand there, looking, breathing, fighting

It's useless, I'll give in, she knows what she's doing.

I've always had a weakness for the deep blue of her eyes

For her touch, oh what a touch! cool and calming.

I seek her peaceful nature and fear her wrath

Her power, her gentleness, her strength, her beauty.

I wish I could be such a force.

Have such a way with my own self

That not many could aleve such an insatiable desire to be near me.

No one person could handle such a power

Only the Gods we read about in stories could possess such gifts.

This is why they bestowed it upon such things all people can enjoy

This is how the ocean beckons me to her...

6 Word Story:

Bring me Darke; Light is Pain

:::Not Really Mine:::

Heart of mine, you ache in 3 directions

Which way will you go?

Heart of mine, you are breaking

I must catch all of the pieces.

Heart of mine, keep strong

You must continue to beat, even if you must skip once in awhile.

Heart of mine... you're not really mine at all.

Bonus 6 Word Story:

Pushing me away, further and harder.

6 Word Story: 
Cancer Diaries: 1 day after surgery 

Hope for Her; Faith in Future

6 Word Story:

Death Sentence: Failed Words, Empty Inside

Six Word Story:

The Most Beautiful Bullshit Phrase Uttered.

Effect/Reflect

Words have meanings.  Words put together in sentences have impacts.  Words with inflection can put a lifetime of hurt to someone... especially when said in the heat of the moment.

I can't and won't undermine how someone feels.  I understand hurt and anger all too well.  I also hold, all too closely, words that have been thrown at me in the heat of a moment.  Painful, spiteful, angry words...

The effect words have is amazing.  So damaging, they can't be taken back, no matter how much you try.

Reflecting on the words, as they really set in days later, well that is when the hurt sets in.

It's tough to put those filters on when emotions on sitting right on the edge just waiting to jump off and be heard.  There is a way to counter this, well at least a little.  One.  Simple.  Word.  Communication.

The foundation of any good relationship, the key to knowing how to help or fix things going on with the other person.  Holding it in, keeping it to yourself and "dealing" with it on your own or letting it pass, doesn't work.  It just doesn't, well not at least for me.

When anger is held in, multiple things start to happen.  Counter part can feel something is wrong but if nothing is ever said... the growing apart begins.  Little 'shots' start to be taken.  Uttering words loud enough to be heard and thrown at someone are just not right.  This is not how you communicate your feelings.  This is what happens when you give up.  Laying on guilt does nothing but keep driving that wedge and serve as a reminder of the bookshelf of things that have been ignored.

Pain is life and boy am I sitting in the ultimate pit of life right now...

Epic Fail on the Finish of "Center Stage"

So I got to work on my bottle about 8:pm... oops.  Needless to say, with some other minor distractions; cooking, eating, making lists, changing my mind about colors, etc.  I finished up a little after 1:am.  I wasn't tired and could have easily gone on till 3:am but I do have to work.

I'm not even half way done with her yet... I have to hope for some kind of miracle tonight because something tells me tomorrow is going to be very exhausting.  

Six Word Story:

Wasn't suppose to be like this

Watching my Mom

The Cancer Diaries - 3 days before surgery

I sit here on a bar stool facing the kitchen on Easter Sunday finishing my slice of banana cream pie.  I look up and see my mom washing dishes like she's done so many times before.  This time, however, she looks so different to me.  I notice how she stares out the window in front of her.  Starring off so intensly I have to wonder what she's thinking about.

It's 3 days till her surgery.  The surgery that will tell us the news we've all been waiting to hear for the past 2 weeks.  The news that could change so many lives.

Something inside of me says this is probably the very thing swirling around in her head right now.

This blog may sound bleak but its not at all.  I write these words to serve a purpose, a reminder.  Life is fleeting.  We are born set on a path toward death.  It begins as we take that first breath and scream for life.

Living unhappy, living in pain, living without hope... well that isn't really living now is it?

I watch her now, I look at her with different eyes.  I want to take her fears away.  I want to watch her stand in front of that sink again telling me about her golf game and how she f'd up some putt on the 7th hole.  Listening to her talk about prepping for surgery and my aunt coming in to take care of things sounds so nightmarish.  It's almost incomprehensible but here we sit discussing such informalities.

~Here is your reminder for hope and events that will and need to happen because when it comes down to it, you want to live a passionate life.~

Artistic Procrastination

It's a beautiful thing.  *giggles incessantly* I've had my bottle for about a month and a half to paint for the Bakersfield Museum of Art.  I figured out about 3 weeks ago what I wanted to put on it.  I just started transferring the images on to the bottle last Wednesday.  It's due this Tuesday, I might be a little behind.

Thursday I ended up being too drained from working on it for 6 hours the night before.  I had some other things on my mind and cleaning seemed (and felt) like a much better outlet for me.  I then planned on doing the 2nd transfer Friday night... well that didn't work out either.  Saturday came around and I started to realize that I'm running out of 'drying' time.  I also realized that in order to make my carrot cake I needed to get my bake even strips so I needed to run to Michael's first.  My friend Tee has a son and he asked to come along and I was quite excited to say yes.  We got to talk about stuff and he reminds me of how much I miss coaching high school kids.  He really is an amazing guy and I love how we chat about stuff.  He's honest with me and I like it, it's very refreshing.  He is very much into wrestling and is more than happy to teach me since I know absolutely nothing about it.  He also enjoys showing me the down sides of wrestling; illnesses, sicknesses and stuff of that nature.  Turns out he started to get something called cauliflower ear.  You should YouTube it if you don't know what it is... it can get pretty gnarly.  Anyway, he wanted to get it drained so we spent some time driving around trying to find a needle and someone to do it.  We even went to urgent care but they wanted his primary care physician to do it so that was a bust.  Thankfully, we have a super cool roommate who was more than happy to assist with it.  It's fine now so YAY :)  So the moral of that story was I didn't get a chance to work on my bottle.

Sunday I woke up and made french toast and bacon...mmm.  Cleaned up and then laid on the couch, it seemed like a much better idea at the time.  I was playing with the iTouch and decided to check my horoscope which basically told me to stop procrastinating and get to work on any project I have going on.  I giggled and thought it was strange that they can be so spot on.  It took me about 15 minutes but I got all the stuff out to put the 2nd transfer on so it could dry while we went to my parents house for Easter Linner.

Hung out there for a few hours, grabbed some movies on the way home, Lex headed to my aunt & uncles to assist with some I.T. work and I had a lot of art supplies and paints to find and gather.  I didn't realize how scattered it was/is.  I have stuff in both storage's too which is kind of a bummer but for the most part I found everything I needed, just took me some time.  Then I realized I didn't have my glasses anyway so set up time was a good thing.

I got about 1/4 of the first piece done... she will be tough but I'm hoping to finish her tomorrow night.  Keeping my glass 1/2 full :)

Compliment from a Stranger

So I've been letting my soul speak out for the past couple of weeks.  At a time in my life where things are very uncertain and unsettling, I figure I need an outlet.  Unfortunately, I have some set backs going on with gym, so that isn't an option for me right now.  That really saddens me because it made me so happy not that long ago but now it serves as a painful reminder of things that are going on in my life.  I'll have to deal that when the time presents itself.

I'm inspired by simple things.  I like the way that sounds but more importantly I like the way it feels.  I wrote a status update on Facebook last Friday:

My ah-ha moment. I walk out of the garage each morning and as the door opens I'm revealed my day. I see blue skies on occasion, sometimes they are kissed with fluffy white clouds. Other days they are branded by looming grey ones. Sometimes the wind kisses my cheek but no matter what I see, a wondrous thing happens to me; it immediately releases an emotion inspiring me to write. Darke or not... I must embrace it.

I didn't think much of it when I wrote it. It was exactly what I wanted it to be; what I was feeling at the time. Moments later the little 'pop' from Facebook chat came across my speakers. I toggled over to find a window from a new add, someone I do not know but befriended me because of common interests and friends we share. He said: Okay, you don't really know me, but I gotta tell you your post was quite lyrical! & Do you write as part of your job? My reply: "I do not actually. I wish I did." To which he finished with: You're good at it. Food for thought.

I have to say that was pretty dang awesome. It made my day and I can't help but wonder what it would be like to write more and with such a purpose. Thank you RB for your kind words, they really did make an impression. I'm curious as to how I'll proceed with this new found feeling.

*smiles* Thank you...

A friend sent me a great email today and this is how she ended it:

"Always remember that some of the most beautiful things were borne out of darkeness." 

6 Word Story:

I have replaced crying with writing

*at this point, crying seems like it would be easier*

Irony

Why does pain fuel such deep, rich emotions?  Pain.  A simple 4 letter word that has such an impact on our entire being.  I've been pushing it a side, tucking it in, setting it in a jar on the shelf, ignoring it, keeping a light jog to stay ahead of it... you see where I'm going.  *taps desk like a teacher and says* "Now class, what do we know about not dealing with our problems?  Anyone... ANYONE?!"

You forget which side you pushed it to and walk into it, you accidentally crawl into bed with it, the jar falls off the shelf and breaks open, it sends you a RED envelope, special delivery letter, you trip and fall and it smothers you while you're lying on the ground.  So I'm pretty sure, dear readers, you are seeing what just happened and how I'm left lying on the ground.

Let me just interject that I did this to myself and with all the current happenings I'm 'okay' with being here.  I'm not a down or naturally negative person, that actually destroys everything I'm about.  This place where I currently am, was bound to happen.  The biggest problem I'm dealing with is I can't move forward or up right now.  I'm stuck in a state of here.  THAT is the part that is tough for me.  Usually I have something to draw me upwards and right now, I'm blank.

I love music.  Anyone who knows me, knows this.  A lyric can catch my attention and send me soaring to another place.  The irony is that right now with all this pain and hurt I'm going through, I've been inspired to let out so much emotion through writing.  If I had the time, I could easily put out 5 stories of great length.  It's like the pain is pushing its way out through my fingers and trying to remind me how to feel every emotion.  In a time, go figure, where I don't want to feel anything actually.  It's draining and to be perfectly blunt; I'm fucking over it right now.

Just bleeding through my words in every direction, no band-aid.

There are Strings Attached

As she looks into my eyes it takes everything in my power to not just give in to her.

"I like the idea of strings attached.  That something is tied to you... to one other.  That maybe there is something so strong holding us together that we finally have found that safety we're looking for and have always wanted.  A bind that can not be broken because there are roots grown to such great depths they are hundreds of years deep, protected and being fed with love, digging in deeper and deeper."

I watch her lips move and she speaks in a poetic rhythm to my heart.  I love her idea of romance, it's inspiring to say the least.

~Piece of a story I didn't want to forget - N2M~

6 Word Story:

Things Change in a N.Y. Minute

All the Others

Lately I've been speaking with a lot of friends.  I need my friends right now.  I need a strong support system and I'm truly blessed that all the years I've spent looking for the just the right people to enlighten, enhance and generally help me grow, are all here for me now when I need them most.  It's a very safe feeling with a lot of not so safe feelings going on inside.

I had one of those conversations with a friend today about believing people.  She said, "I just don't know if I can believe anyone anymore."  That struck me deep.  It took a few hours to sink in but it did and here I am at my keyboard, gettin' it out.  How does one really respond to that?

How can one person undo that kind of damage, turmoil... fear?  How does one person who had no hand in such things get thrown in with all the others?  Maybe the question is, how does one person NOT get thrown in with all these people when it's happened time and time again.  History says we repeat itself so why wouldn't the next person get thrown on the bus with everyone else?

I live in the now and I live in a pretty positive outlook on life kinda way (even with current circumstances).  Don't get me wrong, I falter.  I feel like I'm almost being tested lately and that's okay.  I'm keeping with 2 very strong mantra's right now that I typically preach with:

~The universe will only give me what it knows I can handle~

and 

~Keeping my best flip flop (foot) forward~

And of course, humor.  It's my staple and it makes me smile but more importantly it makes those around me smile and that always feels good inside.  I could cry and be miserable all day long but if I can make one friend smile, then I feel so complete.

So what do you do when presented with such a 'task' (if you will)?  With the current blog, I know my answer.  I know I'll run right for it but what would you do?  Would that scare you?  Would it make you feel like you're being pushed away or blocked... disposable even?

It just makes me wonder...

6 Word Story:

Hope is where I reside now

6 Word Story:

Courage: To change what I can.

6 word story:

I think I lost my way.

6 Word Story:

So much pain in every direction.


I have to remember, the pain inside is so so deep.  It's not what I had planned, no one plans for this.  I want better for everyone.  I really do *crying*

Something

I'm trying desperately to fix things.  I'm trying to fix them quickly.  Like every other person who sickens me, I want it done yesterday.  I know that nothing can be fixed quickly.  Everything takes time... things work themselves out in a way that is to serve a purpose we just aren't meant to understand quite yet.

I'm feeling things, they are out there and I'm trying to contain them.  It's not working, it's scary but I can only keep true to myself.  When it's all said and done at the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with the feelings locked up inside of me.

:::sigh:::

6 Word Story:

Walking Around with a Heavy Heart

"Thats what she said"

Bad to Good to Worse

So I got quite a blow today.  I received a call around 10:30 this morning from my dad.  I think he picked the absolute worst words to start out with: "Your mom is fine but we're at the hospital."  I could hear the shaking in his voice, I could see the tears streaming down his face.  My heart sank.

Apparently about 3 weeks ago she started feeling dizzy, would lose her breath, got tired very easily and was very cold all the time.  She noticed it getting a little worse and decided to call the doctor.  They didn't see it so important to get in her quickly so she had to wait about 2 weeks for an appointment.  That was 2 days ago... this  morning she got a call from her actual doctor saying she needed to go to E.R. and get herself checked out.  Her Iron count was low, very low.  They double checked her numbers and she was at a 6.8... seeing as how 14 is considered low, this was not the best news.   They gave her a transfusion, 3 units.  Each unit would take 2 hours to 'upload' and then they would wait an hour to see if it helped.

She finally got a room around 6:30 this evening.  The worse news comes next.  She doesn't have any actual pain or vomiting.  I guess these would be good signs of a bleeding ulcer.  I mean that isn't the best diagnosis but it's better than the alternative... bone marrow cancer.  As I type the words, it almost seems like it's happening to a character in one of my stories... not my mom.  Not the woman who cleans 2 houses in a day, makes dinner, goes golfing and then comes home and cleans her own house.  Not the woman who can walk 18 holes at golf and want to come home and do yard work for 2 hours.  Not my mom... she's indestructible.

The craptastic part is the waiting.  She'll have some testing done in the morning and then we'll know more.  I'm not taking it well.  I'd be lying if I said I believe everything is going to be fine.  I don't know that... I don't know much of anything right now.  I know I busted my ass at gym tonight because I had so much anxiety I didn't know what else to do.  I'm sitting here and I space out and just stare at the blinking cursor.  I usually feel so much better after blogging but somehow, I know this time it's just not going to work that way.  I want to believe I'm overreacting and I just need to chill the fuck out.  This is one time, I'd love to have been completely overreacting.

Time will tell I guess... for now I'm just going to drink rum & crystal light till I can't keep my eyes open anymore.  Nite.

6 Word Story:

Indestructible woman becomes a fragile flower.

6 Word Story: 

Moments that take your breath away.

6 Word Story:

I'm just sayin'... I look cute.

Gymless

So I haven't gone to gym the past couple days.  I miss it terribly.  I really had every intention of going today but of all things to forget, I couldn't find my headphones.  I have like 3 pairs and for what ever reason there was NOT one damn pair in my car, bag or at work.  I might as well have forgotten my shoes, that's how pivotal my headphones are to me at gym.  I came home with the intention of grabbing them and heading back out but it didn't happen.  Somehow, I took that as a sign to just rest since that's what I really wanted to do anyway.

I feel better in the fact that I got to rest but I miss that good ol' sweat and the satisfaction I feel after workin' my ass off for an hour or two.  Tomorrow, yes, sweet sweet tomorrow.

Tomorrow is another day <-- cheesy I know-- but it's so very, very true.

6 word story: Day 5

Love: Don't Ever Turn it Down.

6 Word Story: Day 4

I'm sorry, I'm sorry... not sorry.

6 word Story: Day 3

Never wonder: For yourself, Be Happy.

My New Battle with Food.

So obviously I've had some issues with food.  One doesn't get to be 253 lbs by having everything under control.  Yes I just blasted my original weight up for all the clickyweb world to see.  The first step (I imagine with any problem) is admitting it.  I'm not proud of how big I was, how much I let my weaknesses rule me, let me get to such an unhealthy state but at least I'm getting a second chance.

In typical Pisces fashion I've thrown my passion and every bit of energy I have into this.  2 months later and it's paid off.  While I still have a ways to go, I'm set on a great path.  I was very diligent about keeping a log of all my calories.  I slipped a few days and wouldn't write it down but would keep a good mental track till I started again.  I stopped when we moved because well, moving takes a lot of time and energy and I didn't feel like it.

I decided to do a little check this week, making sure I'm not eating too much.  Oddly enough, it's quite the opposite.  By my guess-ta-mations, I probably was only eating around 1000 calories a day last week.  No wonder I had such a mondo weight loss.  I'm just lucky my body didn't revolt on me and hold what I was eating.  I'm eating and I'm eating quite well, apparently my body is enjoying all of it or I wouldn't be constantly losing weight.  I'm just worried about what's going to happen when it finally decides to 'hault' for bit.

I'm doing my best to change it up and now that I have running that should keep me good for at least another month but it still worries me sometimes.  The biggest issue I notice with running?  If I don't have the calories, that last 10 minutes or so is kinda tough.  I'm really looking forward to today though.  I'm determined to get to a 1000 calories before gym, I need it.

Here's why:  I eat 1000 calories. When I run 3 miles I burn about 550 calories.  In my everyday routines my body naturally burns 2398 calories.  That means my deficit is about 3000 calories a day if I only eat 1000 calories.  1000 intake - 550 workout - 2398 daily burn = *thumbs down*  3500 deficit = a lb of fat lost.  I can't keep this up.  I need to slow the process down a little bit.  I typically don't just run either, I do weights or core or both.  I like to walk out of gym with about 700 calorie burn workout under my belt.

I don't like eating big dinners and I only occasionally have dessert now so the idea of packing the calories in at the end of the day doesn't work and dinner is suppose to be your smallest meal anyway.

Alright, ranty enough, back to work.  I need to get hungry!

6 word Story: Day 2

Sun is shining inside and out.

24 hours

I have to remember that sometimes when you take a shot... you miss a shot.

Question is dear readers: Do you quit taking them to play it safe and not get hurt or do you charge after that ball and go for it again?

I know my answer.  What about you?

Six Word Story of the Day: March 10th

Winning and losing, my own irony.

Six Word Story of the Day

My friend Tee is in love with these.  Inspired by Hemmingway, here is the back story: 

THE HEMINGWAY CHALLENGE

Legend has it that Ernest Hemingway was challenged to write a story in just six words. The result: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Hemingway regarded it as his greatest work.  

Hemingway’s six word story and self-critique have never been verified but what is irrefutable is that great stories can be told in 60,000 words or just six.

I've decided to incorporate them into my blog.  I love the idea of them.  I figure March 10th is just as good day to start as any.

Thin Line that Binds Me

I'm all Pisces. I'm a lover of all things by the book of the universe.  I'm a free spirit who is quite mysterious, secretive and can be very reclusive when I so choose it.  I'm terribly over sensitive, I even annoy myself with it at times but it is who I am and I do my best to keep myself in check.  It is in my nature to want to be alone at times.  It's nothing against anyone but sometimes I find it's the best way to regroup.  If I feel something is off, I'm going to take the time to find out what it is, how I got there and what needs to happen to make it better.  I reside in the 12th House of Self-Undoing.  It may sound funny but it's actually written in my stars... astrology at it's best.  Most people get the House of Friendship or the House of Pleasure or Health.  I get Self-Undoing.  My sign being the make-up of all 12 signs is a dumping ground of sorts.  It's no wonder it's called Self-Undoing, that's a lot for people to carry around and being so sensitive to others does have its draw backs.

I spent a better part of my adult life doing things because "it was best for everyone else."  I still have my tendencies to sacrifice or silently give in even when I really don't want to.  I mean seriously, no one puts themselves first all the time, that would be one serious asshole.  The key is always balance.  Learning what is best to keep your soul happy, what makes you shine on the inside and the outside.  Inner turmoil and suffering sucks ass, no doubt.  If something isn't right or working for you... time to pull out your own DIY 'fix me' kit and get to work.  The only person responsible for your happiness is you and if you can't see that, you might as well stop reading here.  It may be hard, it may suck, it may be the worst thing (for the moment) but you have to look at the bigger picture sometimes... because the future is where we are headed, like it or not.

Lately with weight loss, goals, attitudes around me, moving, art desires and new people I'm finding myself wanting to pull a Pisces so to speak.  The double bodied part of my symbols are moving around... a lot.  Pisces are said to be fleeting but the thing that keeps them 'Earth Bound?'  One tiny string... it's the smallest and strongest line imaginable.  The string keeps the fish tied together so they can't lose one another, it would be like if yin lost its yang.  It wouldn't be pretty.  It's just enough to keep me grounded, it's impressive.  I always keep one thought in my head.  Don't mistake my seclusive nature as me bailing out or giving up, that's not what I mean at all... it's just I'm doing what I feel best, reflection.  Think of it like a CPA reconciling her ledgers at the end of the month.  Same idea.  Just checking things out making sure everything is balancing out.

So yeah... that put some perspective in my shoes.

No Whammies, No Whammies!

So after Friday nights fantastic workout I basically floated all night.  It still makes me smile just thinking about it.  I wanted a good weight loss. I wanted that 2.5lbs to get to my 30lb goal weight.  I was at 225.6.  I'm right on target to be in the teens so very soon.

I was super nervous.  I even made Lex go first to weigh in.  She rocked 3.5lbs which is huge because she's so much smaller.  I just kept visualizing thinner.  The scale was on it's way up... hesitated at 217.8 then 218.0 and stopped.  "OH CRAP!"  Is what slipped from my mouth.  The guy asked, "was that a good oh crap or a bad oh crap?"  I looked up and said, "OH it's GOOD!"  I got high fives all around from the weigh in boys... 7.6 lbs in one week.  John (head of the contest) said, I expect big numbers from you with 2 weeks off... 15lbs.  He was very serious.  Whoa.

I took 2 days off already.  I'm letting some stuff sink in and I had a pretty hectic week last week, so I wanted to just take it all in and analyze what to do next.  I'm tromped 2 goals in one week.  While I'd like to think I can stay at that pace, I need to really figure some stuff out.  At least I know I can add running into my workouts now.  I just have to be adamant about icing my foot afterward and I'll be fine.

I just realized IF I could lose that 15lbs in 2 weeks... I'd be 4lbs from 199 <-  That is my Big Middle goal.  It's literally within running distance now. I am 19lbs from my Middle Goal.  Wow.

See Me Run

I can't even believe I did it and I'm the one that did it.  We went to the gym tonight, as per usual it's our own "last chance workout" before our weigh in tomorrow morning.  I decided I needed to mix it up tonight.  I have to, we've been working out for 9 weeks and we pretty much do the same things.  I mean we do change things around a little but I do very little walking because of my foot.  I spend a MAJOR part of my time on the elliptical.  We have a love/hate relationship.  I secretly do love it but I'll never say it while I'm on it.  Yesterday I had an awesome workout and it almost beat me.  I was on level 10 for 30 minutes.  Then we did some squats with a weighted ball, LOVE THAT.

Let's get back to today.  I'm still smiling so so SOO BIG!  My goal tonight was to try intervals on the treadmill.  The natural growth (in my head) is to start using my foot more as I drop weight.  I decided to do 35 minutes.  Start with 3 minutes walking, pray with all my might for 5 minutes running, 3 minutes walking and so on and so forth till the 35 minutes were up.  Most AWESOMEST of awesome things happened when I got to 8 minutes... I wasn't out of breath, hell, I wasn't even warm yet.  So I decided to go to 13 minutes, that would be 10 minutes running, that made me smile.  I was so proud of myself for the 5 minutes as it was.  So here we are fast approaching 13 minutes... just barely getting a little sweat but still not out of breath, STILL just fine.  Next goal: 18 minutes, that would be 15 minutes running.  Me!  Running for 15 minutes.  The whole idea of this blows my mind.  18 minutes came and went, 23 minutes came and went, then 28, then here came 35 minutes.  I only walked the first 3 minutes and ran the entire 32 minutes.  At 30 minutes I looked down and had run 2 miles.  I ran 2 miles in 30 minutes.  I can't get over it.  The other interesting part?  I never truly got out of breath.  I had a nice pace at 3.9 going.  I want to do that twice a week.  I never thought running would make me so happy.

Note to me for a later reference:  Remember that Nelly Furtado song, do it for yourself and remember how for 32 minutes you ran with the biggest of smiles and the greatest of feelings that you've had in a long, long time.

My Day at the DMV

I decided to not pay attention to my drivers license and turns out, it expired on my birthday this year.  This means I had to endure the DMV to get it renewed.  Craziness. So I took the morning off to tromp down there and put my 'time' in.  Well a few small flaws in that plan.  I may have overslept a little which made me late and all that means is long lines and wait times.  Even the "start" line had a 10 minute long line, it was impressive.  She handed me my paperwork to fill out and my Number.  I was given G92.  They were on G41.  Along with the A's, B's, C's, D's, E's, F's, H's and I's mixed in.  About a 2 hour wait... so I took my time filling out my paperwork and stood in a corner till a seat opened up that I wanted to stay in during my time.  Here are some highlights of my visit:

~*~

-Dude walks up to another dude and says,
"Hey man, what are you in here for?"  (okay so he can check prison off his list of life accomplishments)

"I got another ticket and had to come pay my fines from some other 'stuff.' (come on, we know you mean a DUI dipshit)

"Oh yeah, what'd ya lay down today?" 

"$300 and as of April 8th, I lose my license... their f'n crazy like that fool." (shakes head)

"What'd you do?" (yes, what DID you do?)

"Well after my DUI (thanks for confirming that one) and some tickets I got all these points."  (no shit)

"Whaaa... no way?!"

"Yeah, I have 8 pts" (Daaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmn)

Then there was some other [explicitve] after [explictive] talk and how he can't reapply for it till October.  Good stuff, he was so surprised.  LMAO

~*~There was a man who had on blue cargo shorts, a light blue button up shirt, a blue fishing hat with some bright design but the best part?  *wait for it...*  He had on shiny (like prom dress shiny) yellow elf shoes.  No joke.  They had a curl at the tip and everything.  There was a couple standing next to me, the guy says "look at that."  The girl looks over at the guy walking by and says with a glazed look on her face "I love the DMV."  Okay, that made me chuckle a little.

~*~The guy next to me who was studying for his commercial drivers license.  Nothing too funny about him.  He was a nice kid.  Typical 'waited' till the last minute to study.  He was reading through practice test after practice test trying to retain everything he could.  I'm pretty sure the 2 hours he put in studying while sitting there was probably about all the studying he did.  I offered to read him some questions to change it up a bit.  He didn't do too badly.

~*~There was a kid that needed to fill out the same form I did plus one other one.  I'm pretty sure he couldn't read.  (no I'm not laughing at this at all, it made me quite sad actually)  He couldn't comprehend where to spell out his name or how to fill it out.  It basically is the normal info form; name, address, mailing address, phone number, that sorta thing.

~*~Then you have the normal, happy teenagers getting their licenses for the first time (Lord help us all).  LOL  I literally saw a girl skip outside after she passed.  It was pretty cute.

I finally finished up at 2:30pm.  I ended up taking the whole day off.  I got my oil change done too.  I figure I might as well get it all done while I'm off.  It was a very productive day and I was quite happy about it.

Tumble

I have big plans for things in my head.  It's too bad it's starting out a very shaky week.  I have to get this out so I can move forward.  I don't like sitting on things, then it makes it worse and last twice as long.  This one may a little more on the negative side so if you're looking for a pick me up, this isn't the blog.

Stacked against me as of this moment:

~work- I'm trying to make it so I can go to Disney on Friday and I thought getting our tickets on Saturday was a good sign.  After a discussion with the village idiot yesterday afternoon.   I'm lead to believe otherwise now.  :o\  I have 2 days of work in-house and I'm guessing about 2 days of work coming in.  Seeing as how I only (want to) have 3 more work days, you can see how the math doesn't work.

~migraine-check.  Woke up with a fierce one which I'm sure is because I hardly ate yesterday and did a 700 calorie workout last night.  I would eat more but I have the worst heartburn known to man and I can't.  Water hurts, if that gives you any idea of what I'm going through.

~heart burn- I haven't had it like this in a long time, I'm running through the things I've eaten to see what the problem is.  I think now it's just a matter of letting it all completely migrate out of my system.

~weight loss- I can't eat to fuel my workouts.  I won't have the energy to workout. = No weight loss.  I want a 4lb loss so bad this week.  I need about 8 more workouts like last night... yeah, that's a pipe dream.

~moving- well that's always stressful, no matter how much you prepare.

~cakes- two to do and trying to work out plus get successful cakes out is going to be a huge challenge with the current mental and physical state I'm in.

~a few other things that I won't blast here... but you get the idea.  Off to work now because I'm not getting anymore behind than I already am.

Funny the way it is

I realize that as we begin our move to our next home that I hold my things very close to me.  I'm truly excited for where we are moving.  We have a lot of the same afflictions for things which will make for a great living situation.  The cats are doing better after just 2 visits, even after the Polly refusing to come out from under the bed when we were leaving yesterday.

An offer to move the Mac top into an actual office (hoo-rah) has been placed and that sounds very nice but at the same time I was thinking, it won't be in MY room.  lol  I guess I like having it within the gum sticks (the remote) boundaries.  It would make sense to utilize our space though.

I just thought it was funny how I like to keep things so close to where I sleep.

Update of Sorts

So the 2 week goal of 10lbs is coming up.  2 days.  I think I'm about 4lbs off  :(  Now comes the "I wish I had..." and "I shouldn't have quit so soon" moments.  I think some more double workouts would have helped.  We'll see thought, maybe a miracle will happen... 8lbs would be nice too, anything less would suck.  Plain and simple.

I'm very much convinced my mood has a lot to do with how the weight loss goes from week to week.  I'm definitely feeling better about things now.  I 'feel' lighter.  My ability to carry worry and the burden for others will always sit with me.  I just DO that.  I take on other peoples' feelings and it's a major reason it's hard for me to be in crowds sometimes.  I can feel the negative.  It can be so intense it feels like that pea green elephant lamp you inherent from a 2nd aunt with orange dangling gems around the shade with 'Greetings from the Zoo' scrawled across it that your mom insists you keep in the front window of your living room, especially during the holidays.  Not even tinsel can save you.  Laugh if you will but it's taken me some time to figure this out.  I'm definitely on a positive track and I like it, so I'm just naturally merging and going with it.

I can't really say what's going to happen Saturday morning at 9:30am.  I just hope it's as close, if not right on 223 as can be.  I would love for it to be lower but I'm not pushing my luck.  Tonight I will endure an exercise ball class.  NO part of it sounds easy and I'm already pretty damn sore from the batting cages two nights ago and tossing the weighted ball yesterday.  I need to stretch, strecth and stretch some more.  I'm drinking amino acids and protein to try to help the recovery process in my muscles but I don't think recovery is going as fast as I would like :)

Onward & Upward!

5k Walk

So Saturday was the big walk.  I saw a lot of people I knew which in some ways made me feel even more out of place.  I know what some of these people compete in.  I just kept the notion that everyone has to start somewhere and here was my start.  My heel was as stretched as it was gonna be.  There were only a handful of walkers and my goal was basically not to come in last.  We took off and I had about 10 people behind me so all I had to do was stay ahead of them.

At the first turn Lex was already about 5 steps ahead of me which I expected.  It was long before she was WAY out in front of me.  I only had to tell her once she better not wait for me.  I wanted at least one of us to make it under an hour and I knew she could easily do it.  Having her so far out in front of me just helped me keep pushing myself.

I noticed she passed a person.  So then I thought, I want to pass someone and I did.  By the end of the first mile I passed 3 people.  Each time saw her pass people, I wanted to pass them.  By the end, I  passed 7 people!  I was so excited but what made it better?  I finished with a time of 52:56. A little over 17 minute per mile.  I'm good with that.  The snacky foods at the end were YUMMY.  I was so proud of Lex, she finished in 51:20  well done little girl :)

Here is our highlight :)

Nothing says you just finished a 5k walk like Orange Smiles :)

Valentines Day 

or as we call it now, Off-road bike & geocaching day.  After we finally got up and moving around, we got the bikes out, pumped up the tires, loaded some geocaches into the GPS & headed to Hart Park.  After a few little tire snafus we finally got on the bike path.  That didn't last long, the caches were off the path and on a dirt path closer to the river.  Each one was placed about .25 mile apart so we could ride, walk and crawl around and continue so on and so forth.  In about 2 hours we went to 5 sites and found 3 of them.  Dropped off a geocoin we had held on to for some time and got a few more finds under our belt.  Nothing says I love you till the ends of the Earth like sweating up and down on bike trails and digging through brush to find ammo cans and Tupperware filled with toys :)

       Lex riding back down the hill next to the river.        

 

Straight up that hill in that hole is a geocache.

Yeah, we'll have to take a DNF on this one :\

The 'Some Day' Pile

So I have a lot of clothes that I have kept in hopes that "some day I'll be able to wear those again."  I think I've always had those piles in my life.  I may need to analyze that at some point but that isn't this blog.  Anyway, I pulled out 7 pairs of shorts yesterday from that pile!  Had a killer workout last night and I just need to keep on pushing along.  Tomorrow is our 5k walk.  I'm excited and nervous.  I want to finish in under an hour but there is that small part of me that is worried about my heel.  I've done weeks of working out and I should be fine but like the pain in my heel, it just nags at me a little from deep within.  I'm GOING to do this.  

Then it's off to the solitude of Teri's, YAY!

Rings

Since we've been losing weight I had the idea that maybe my rings fit again.  I realize, I have stopped wearing a lot of things I enjoy because of how unhappy I've been with myself.  Anyway, I put them on last week and they fit!  They were a little loose even :)  Well today, my thumb ring keeps falling off... so now they're too big :\  lol

Tis' life sometimes...

2.5 lbs

My worst weight loss to date.  I know that's what I'm suppose to lose each week but my fear of completely being knocked out of this competition is killing me.  I want so badly to place in the top 5 but I'm not sure how to do it.  My eating is getting out of hand.  No, it's not what you think.  I'm not craving (well on occasion but nothing fierce) bad foods, the problem is I'm not eating enough and I believe this could be my downfall.  My body is going to start holding on to everything it's got.  My other problem is if I don't go to the gym, I internally freak out.  I'm trying to be okay with doing the Wii Fit, Active and Biggest Loser at home (on occasion) but I don't feel like it's enough.  I know I need to change it up but the gym is safe and it's worked great so far.  I need to venture on some of the tougher cardio and keep playing with the weighted balls, those kill.  I'm even looking toward an exercise ball class and a kick boxing class, YIKES!

So I'm down 7.81%... Time to pick it up a notch!

So yeah... I was offered a chance to paint/decorate/create a wine bottle for the Bakersfield Museum of Art. When I thought wine bottle, I thought every day normal wine bottle. HOLY HELL! I didn't know it was going to be a 6ML bottle! I put my 16oz arrowhead bottle next to it as a comparison.

Oh

So it's 19 days till my birthday.  Hmm.  As much as I'd like to go to Disney, just not sure it's going to work out.

I've got to let this 'feeling' go.  It's going to mess with my weight loss, then I'm really going to be pissed.

Saturday

We have been hanging out with a new friend lately.  I hadn't realized how much I miss being around people.  We had the pleasure of getting to know a lot of people this weekend.  It was quite entertaining to say the least.  The boys are hilarious and even though I suck at the Mystery game (the actual name escapes my mind currently) it was great listening to Joel try to dissect each scenario.

I got to see blended/mixed families in action.  I love when I learn new things about people and from people.  The dynamic is quite beautiful and very cool.  Another great part was how we just kinda 'fit' in.  We spent the day cooking/baking.  It was nice to have so many taste testers.  I really do hope no one got sick due to sugar overload though.

I can't express how nice it is to feel welcome some where.  Plain and simple; it's nice to feel wanted.  I guess some people take that for granted. 

Looking forward to meeting more people and learning even more about our new friends. :)

Oops

I realized a couple of things.  I only lost 2.5lbs this week.  I know that's suppose to be good but I was on track to have lost more and something happened about Thursday. 

So I learned 2 valuable lessons this week. 1) Working out 5 days in a row = steady decline in workouts and 2) if you don't journal your food, how good of a count are you really keeping?

I was going to look back over my week when I realized, there wasn't one entry for the entire week.  Well holy hell.  I have already remedied that problem.  Especially with SuperBowl Sunday today.  I have a tough, tough goal ahead of me: 10lbs by February 20th.  

Here we go!

My Battle with the Elliptical

So what I have found by working out 10-12 hours a week?  You can basically succeed at anything you set your mind to.  It's kinda amazing. 32 days ago we went back to the gym.  As before in past years I had trouble on the ellipitical.  I struggled to do 15 minutes and keep the pace near 3.0.  Now, 31 days later, I can do it for 60 minutes and EASILY keep it at 3.2 - 3.5  with some spurts of 4.0 - 4.5.  60 minutes!  I can hardly believe it and I was there and did it!  615 calories... love it.  

5K is in 10 days! 

Conviction... but at the cost of your own possible happiness?

I had someone approach me today.  A friend actually.  I have had, in my time, many a person come to me with a situation or problem of sorts.  With each approach, I 'try' <-- I really, really do, to just listen.  When someone comes to you with a ranting/raving/venting/complaining/or any story of sorts, I have learned, the very hard way and with a loss of a couple friends, that listening is key and even though you THINK you know what is best.  You don't.  I'll be the first one to say that I like to be right about everything.  I mean, who doesn't?  :)  But when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, when that person has to look in the mirror, when that person wakes up in the morning, You don't have to look at that face every morning, You don't feel what they are feeling deep inside.  Any advice you give, is you're opinion.  It's what you want them to do, or THINK is best... and even though sometimes we'd like someone else to do everything for us and not have to deal with things, it is imperative that said person is ultimately the one to make the decision and do what is best for them.

Confused yet?  Good.  I bet you're really not though, we've all been there before, don't lie.

I complain a lot of the current state of the children being brought up in the world today.  Lazy, messy, no accountability, no respect for others, bratty... the list could go on for a long time.  I have met a 'few' and I mean few parents who I admire completely and wish everyone could base their parenting skills on these people.  I would have a lot more hope for humanity because let's face it, it's shaky.  There are some adults I know who don't fall far from this category either which basically explains children these days, you learn what you see.  Morals.  That word almost seems extinct like dinosaurs or something.  I like to think my morals are good.  They aren't outstanding and that's okay.  I've had my fair share of "should've done that different" moments but overall, I think I can get a satisfactory check mark.  The point is, I've learned and that really is what life is about.  Trying.  You either succeed or fail.  At least you can live with the notion that you tried.  Screw those discouraging 'what if' moments... because you only get left with never trying at all.

Which brings me back full circle to my title.  Conviction.  The strong belief kind of conviction, 'stickin' to your guns' as they say.  In my conversation of today, I saw some very commendable statements from this person, admirable even.  Made me even more proud to know this person.  However, oh yeah-the fancy 'but,' it also made feel a great sadness too.  As I do understand the reasons, I can't help wonder if those words used aren't only trying to justify for the few others that know but for this person as well?  

I have to say, I have some hands on experience with this stuff.  It's tough.  No matter which way the follow through goes... someone is going to hurt.

So my question dear readers, do your sacrifice for yourself and hurt alone or do you take that risk and just maybe, put yourself first this time and take any back lash?

How many times have you not said something, even though you really, secretly, deeply, truly wanted to?  Even if it meant making for an awkward or strange moment.  Isn't it better to get it out there?

"if you failed that is a good thing, it means you tried. Better then doing nothing at all..." - a friend posted this the other day, I thought it fit my blog today.