Christmas Vacation pt. 1

Finishing up day 2 of my grand, merry holiday of 4 days off and I'm pretty tired.  As the holidays come and go, I can't help but instantly think of my mom.  I have no idea how she got the entire front yard covered in eleventy billion lights, transformed the inside of the house into Hallmark, shopped for our (very) large family, baked nightly, worked, went to gym, kept the yard work up, cleaned the house and still made time to golf.  If I didn't know better, I'd swear she was a robot or 3 people.  I've been accused of such things in my life time but now that I see what doesn't get done during the holidays, I have no idea how she did it.  I have a Turtle (which is deceiving within herself because she is FAR from slow) that helps me all the time and we get a lot done but we still don't have the tree up and have hung up like 2 wooden signs :)  Hey, we did the best we could with working nightly out at BARC.  We finished our holiday shopping in one day.  Took us a few hours longer than planned but the upside is we decided to treat ourselves to a movie.  We will watch Jack Reacher in a couple hours.  And eat popcorn, lots and lots of popcorn <- about="about" always="always" excited="excited" is="is" notion.="notion." p="p" this="this">
No Disneyland trip this weekend but hopefully next weekend.  I'm enjoying the season but as with any holiday anymore, it's bittersweet.  Thankful as ever for the wonderful people in my life.  Really looking forward to the new year, new beginnings, new friends, love and living whimsically.  Off to get ready...
tomorrow brings shopping for Christmas dinner, regular groceries, picking up a few other things, making Sunday dinner and closing out BARC. Yikes.  I'm tired just thinking about it.

Bake-a-pa-looza

My uncle asked me if I could bake a tray of goodies for his work.  This was usually a task left for my mom, her prestine fudge (that I never got a chance to learn), her awesome sugar cookies, etc. I think Carol said it best a couple weeks ago when she said that I just "fell into my moms place."  I've been cooking and planning our gatherings and so on.  I sit here and wonder how the heck she did as much as she did???  She could work, get in gym, shopping, yard work and baking/cooking.  She went to bed last and got up first... how?  She loved her family, she loved making people happy, it was her very own gift to herself. 

I miss that woman a lot.  You'll never know true loss until you lose a parent or a child, I suppose.  I'm still trying to climb out of the deepest loss I've ever known but I'll get by because I'm her daughter and I won't quit or give in.  I may have my moments of weakness but who doesn't?  I spent a lot of time chasing happy but I'm pretty sure it's been around me this whole time. It's always there but sometimes we focus on the days ahead instead of the present moments.

So thank you mom, for showing me so many things.  I felt a little whimsical baking a lot of your recipes in your kitchen last night.  Miss you and love you...

The Infamous September 22nd & the gift of peace given to my family

Today while I work, I hear the chime of "front door." Nothing unusual there till I start to head to the front and see my mom's car in the window. I had no idea what she could be doing there and then I saw her... tear's streaming down her face. I was mortified. I knew her results were coming in soon to know if she was completely cancer free. She looked at me, eyes all red and said, "Looks like you're stuck with me. How does it feel to have a cancer free mom?" We wrapped our arms around each other and cried and cried. My aunt and my dad came in shortly behind her.

I can't believe it. I mean I kept every ounce of positive I have had left for her. I've been battling my own demons for some time but I REFUSED to let those emotions fall into her positive thoughts needed to get through this. I still feel like it didn't happen, like that was a dream. I'm sure as the days pass and she continues to grow stronger, it will sink in. She's been starting to get on me about things again. I never thought I'd say this but I'm glad she'll be around to nag me for years and years to come :o)

So after all the mushy hugs and loves, I asked her what her plans were for the day, she smiled so big and said, "We're going to Eagle Mtn. Casino!" I just laughed, it's like her own Disneyland.

What a most Wonderful day... such a gift, the gift of health, my mom, love, life, family... just magic for us.

Controlled Cancer

This is what it's called for the 3 months after you finish your treatments of Chemo and Radiation.  Today marks the last day of radiation till September.  She will be tested again, then we get to call it remission :o)

I wanted to blog my FB post to keep in memory.  I didn't blog very much as far as all that we went through.  I won't need to recall posts for the feelings I've had.  I won't forget them ever.  I have learned a lot and am set on a very good path now.  I do need to walk lightly because right now I'm feeling unstoppable and that can be a recipe for disaster.

Mommie, you should be finishing your last radiation right now... I ♥ You.
:::deep, loving sigh:::

I'm Pathetic

Cancer Diaries: Session (Week 2) of Radiation/Chemo/Iron Infusion

Typing those words above, make me wince and want to punch things.  I decided to take the day off to spend it with my mom on her BIG day.  Every Thursday she has to get her Chemo pack switched out, Radiation (well that is daily) and an Iron Infusion (which she is now done with, well for this minute).  She also meets with 2 of her doctors and gets her prescriptions reanalyzed.  It's a big day basically.

I want/need to be apart of what is going on so I wanted to tag along.  I go into things with such an open mind.  I try to not think the worst and keep hope at the forefront of my thoughts.  I arrived to find her already getting her Iron Infusion and resting.  Most people have good spirits and it's comforting to see.  My mom is still and I'm sure will be for a very long time, in an adjustment period.  Her moods are low and I can't say I blame her but it very out of character for her at the same time.  I'm her apple and any of you know how stubborn, determined and tunnel visioned I can be when I have my mind set on something.  I can command a room or sit in a corner to observe.  I don't ask for help, I am asked upon by others for help.  I have drive, a will to fight and an ability to love so very deep and with such passion it almost hurts at times.  These qualities my mom possesses and has bestowed and blessed me with almost seem now like they were passed off to me and not so much handed down now.

I watch her.  A lot.  I see her but it's not her.  This woman is quiet, soft spoken, weakened and at times, very lifeless.  I understand that this process is ridiculously tough.  More than ever now, I've seen how it's dug in and reduced my mom to the shell that she sits in currently.  I want my mom back.  I have to wonder if she will every really be back.  I can tell myself "someday" but there is this inkling of doubt in me that really wonders if someday will ever come.  I'm tucking that thought away, far, far away.  I refuse to let it consume me and push hope aside.

As she walked through the building yesterday and saw the other people going through their treatment, she looked at my aunt and said, 

"I wish I was strong like them.  I'm pathetic."  

My aunt looked at her and said, "WHAT did you JUST say?"

My mom repeated it again and I knew my aunt just wanted to unleash on her.  In a calmer voice than she wanted but still quite stern, she replied," You CAN and ARE just as strong as anyone else here.  You ARE NOT PATHETIC and don't ever say that again."

My mom just sat there quietly.

Now even at this moment, I'm crying.  To feel so defeated, so low, so helpless... that you could utter those words with such intent behind them.  *shakes head* I knew that it would get worse but that small voice she speaks with now... ~speechless~

Mom, someday I may show this to you.  Please know that you were always in my thoughts and I only ever wanted to fix every ounce of pain, every bit of sadness, every negative thing you were feeling, I wish more than anything I could've taken it on myself for you.  I'd have done it mom, as much as I hate needles, doctors, throwing up... I'd have taken it with no hesitation, no reservation.  I love you.  I love us and I'm waiting for the day we can walk the fairway together again.

The Shell

Cancer Diaries - Still adjusting; her-feeding tube, me-seeing her

So I haven't been able to see my mom for about 2 weeks.  I've been sick with this fantastic cold but even better, a cough.  That pretty much put me blocked from seeing my mom at all.  I call to check in but with the past conversations and lack of 'complete' information, I do have to wonder how accurate the information is.  I've been told she is doing better.  She is home now and learning how to function.  My dad, aunt and cousin are at her beck and call.  Oddly enough, she is VERY good about asking for every little thing and they happily run around for her.

She was having some problems with vomiting the day before so when she went to the doctor yesterday they gave her a shot to help ease with the digestion and nausea.  The side effect was Zombie-esque mom last night.  I was on my way in from Taft visiting a friend and decided that I was clear enough to stop by and see her.  As she was happy to see me, it took her a bit to realize I was there.  I got updates while we sat around the living room.

She doesn't look as good as they described or how I imagined her in my head.  I'm not saying she's not better but she is a shell of the mom I know and that makes me want to vomit.  I'm trying to wrap my head around it.  This woman who was strong, assertive, ass-kicking, stubborn as the day is long, determined, carried the weight of everyone in her life... is now this tiny, shell of a woman that only seems to exist in my head.  It's as if I imagined her as a character in one of my stories.  She's down about 17lbs now, watching her at 161 is weird.  I've NEVER seen her under 175 before so that adds to the frail stature she has now become.

I think my being sick gave me an out about not having to deal with seeing her day to day and I'm yet again, left to play "catch up" with my feelings and dealings with what is going on.  I went to gym afterwards and I could feel it all creeping in.  The sadness, oooh this one wasn't going to hide for very long.  I drove around for a little while after gym to try to get some air.  Breathing wasn't so simple as in and out.  Every breath had her name on it.  I was feeling everything that I had missed these past 2 weeks and it hurt.

I got home with the intention of writing this to help me process but that didn't work out.  Tee got home right before I did and in her wonderful, caring fashion, her concern and questions brought it all right to the surface.  I was forced to run out of the office and into the shower to sob alone.  I don't think I was in there very long but it felt like hours.  I came out, still with the intention of writing this but when she walked up behind me to hug me, I lost it, again.  Strange how the touch of another can make you weep without a second thought.  I guess I wasn't as done crying as I thought.  I'm just glad it did all make its way out.

It's going to get harder before it gets easier.  I'm not going to fool myself otherwise.