Who are you? Who do you want to be?

As long as you feel the need to be in control, you'll rarely feel true happy.

As long as you always find the negative in something, you'll always radiate negative energy.

As long as you're busy blaming and ranting to others for your pain & troubles, you'll never truly hear someone who needs you to listen.

After awhile, the phone stops ringing, people stop checking in with you and you're alone.  The fake you portray can only last so long before you're as transparent as a window.

So give yourself to the universe...

Be grateful to those around you, greet people the way you want to be greeted instead of angry all the time, radiate something that everyone would enjoy being around.

Really listen to someone for a change, can you go 1 full day without complaining about something or someone?  Give it a try.

Symphony of Illumination

This is the name of the Episode from How I Met Your Mother where Robin finds out she can't have kids.  I sympathize in the fact that I've never wanted to have my own children, she is quite adamant episode after episode about never wanting children until she finds out that she can't.

I think it's different saying you don't want to have something.  It's your choice, you're in control, it's ultimately your decision but when you're told you can't have or do something it's... different.

I was basically told with current health conditions that I can't have children.  My body doesn't 'cycle' correctly for this to happen.  Yes, it does make me very sad to think that I can't but on the flip side of that very same coin, I still don't want to have kids.  I've always looked at kids in such 'aww' and I love nothing more than to hear little kid giggles or baby 'cooo's.'  I find myself looking at kids a little longer in stores or restuarants lately and there is an odd tug inside but again... I don't feel a need to carry a child.

It's been a week since I was given this info and it's still just sitting there.  I haven't told anyone (only one knows but that's because she was with me) but I know I needed to get it out.  This is my safe place for reminders, memories and notes of things of such nature.  This is where I come to "get it out" and move forward.  I may find that someday, I may want to actually talk to someone but until then... here I write.

Thinking thoughts of things and such...

In 3 years, smile because it's just like it was 3 years ago. ~If it isn't... are you BOTH willing to put the work in to make those flutterbys come back?

At 10 years, hold one another like you're the only 2 people who exist. ~If you're priorties are everything elst BUT your spouse, are you BOTH willing to change that?

If you're lucky enough to only want to hold that same hand after 20 years, look into one anothers eyes and know that you've fulfilled one anothers promise to have and to hold and you have truly lived a life of love.

Missing

As today marks day 23 of a personal nature, I'm tired of constantly having to live in a state of restrooms, being tired and now stumbling/feeling dizzy.  I still had 7 more days till my appointment.  With recent blood work showing my blood levels dropping and me running into more doors and walls, I made a call that ended with me right back in the docs office within the hour.  3 biopsies later, my crying out to strangers, many tears and even more pain, I find myself sitting here cramping and thinking of the one good thing I heard today... an unborn babies heartbeat.  As I walked into the restroom to "pee in a cup" I heard it.  I heard that hearbeat on the ultrasound behind a curtain next to me.  As I closed the door, I smiled as tears formed thinking how that was one of the sweetest sounds I could have heard at that very moment.  I've never wanted to have children, per say but over the years I have adopted and taken in many a child as if they were my own.  Some are still around and some have walked on but I do love kids very much and do not hesitate to give love and care for them deeply.

The part of me that has been missing for the past few weeks is me actually feeling like a girl.  I have hidden under ponytails, baggy, cotton clothes, no make up and no jewelry.  Haven't had any urge to go out, dress up and have any sort of attention drawn to me.  It's a very weird and lonely feeling to go through life feeling like you have to hide yourself.  I hope this medication helps and doesn't have the same side effects of the last one I tried.  Because when it's all said and done, I still have hope.

Relationships

I was having a conversation the other day about people being in love, loving someone and falling out of love and relationship "work" in general.  People fall in and out of love every day.  It's a very sad and true notion.  You hear, "relationships are hard work" at every corner and while this may be true in some sense, the romantic side of me doesn't believe they are "work" in the drone, day after day kinda way but more like your ideal dream job that you long to run to every morning.  It isn't always peaches but at the end of the day, you're still pretty damn happy about it.  You go to bed each night trying to think of new and creative ways to make it grow, keep it fresh and in turn, it will make you smile inside and out.  Now THAT is the kind of relationship I want.  The kind where someone doesn't let the day after days get to them at ever turn or kink in the road but instead, decides to find some creative way to get through it, add some glitter and wade on by with a smile.  Life is hard. I'm not downplaying that for one second but if you allow every emotion, HUGE to teeny, to get to you and knock you down, life is going to be hard, not only for you but for everyone around you.  Sadly, you could be on a fast track to being alone...

The idea of falling in love and creating ways to continually fall in love, with that same person, over and over again, sounds like the greatest adventure to me.  And in no way, does it sound like "hard work" at all, not if you truly believe in love.

Yeah, it's kinda like that in my head. 

Bake-a-pa-looza

My uncle asked me if I could bake a tray of goodies for his work.  This was usually a task left for my mom, her prestine fudge (that I never got a chance to learn), her awesome sugar cookies, etc. I think Carol said it best a couple weeks ago when she said that I just "fell into my moms place."  I've been cooking and planning our gatherings and so on.  I sit here and wonder how the heck she did as much as she did???  She could work, get in gym, shopping, yard work and baking/cooking.  She went to bed last and got up first... how?  She loved her family, she loved making people happy, it was her very own gift to herself. 

I miss that woman a lot.  You'll never know true loss until you lose a parent or a child, I suppose.  I'm still trying to climb out of the deepest loss I've ever known but I'll get by because I'm her daughter and I won't quit or give in.  I may have my moments of weakness but who doesn't?  I spent a lot of time chasing happy but I'm pretty sure it's been around me this whole time. It's always there but sometimes we focus on the days ahead instead of the present moments.

So thank you mom, for showing me so many things.  I felt a little whimsical baking a lot of your recipes in your kitchen last night.  Miss you and love you...

Oh, I failed to mention...


I see more turmoil then usual online lately (and that makes me wonder how much is going on that is unsaid as well) and my heart goes out to any and all of my friends in pain right now. I hope you find your way and soon. Some are dealing with the 'mistrust' of their partner or friends. So very sad indeed.

We have to wonder when a partner/friend begins to hide things they're doing or people for that matter. If it's "not a big deal" how come it isn't mentioned? It's these little things that turn BIG because of lack of honesty. Simply said, don't make excuses as to why you're hiding stuff. Of course the mind is going to wonder: is it because of unresolved feelings? Losing interest? New feelings? Longing for what was lost?

Remember that person across from you that says they love you? They mean it... do you and why the hiding?

OH... now I get it.

I've been told that I can get done more in one evening after working an 8 hour day than most people get done in a week. I like that I can do that. I hadn't really noticed but it's pretty cool that other people do. I realized why last night.

As of right now, I really don't look forward to weekends. They are full of things that I would normally accomplish during the week and as weekends are passing and I'm still not finishing, I head back into the week with a heavy feeling. I realize the reason I bust my ass all week is so I can "play" all weekend and not feel guilty about it. So if friends or family ask last minute to do something I don't have to have that sinking feeling of saying no and wishing "shoulda/coulda/woulda." I've let some projects fall by the wayside, thinking I can catch up but it's not working and I'm missing out a lot of things. I am giving myself 8 business days to get this fixed. It's going to be tough, it's going to be tiring but it's going to be worth it and that's what I strive for. I want a normal schedule again. I want to get this right, not just for myself but for my partner and for us.

"I am given one line of pure bliss and I hold on to it like a child with a safety blanket. I squeeze every ounce of hope out of it I can. Some times it feels like days before I can see how she cares for me. I wish it was daily but if you have to ask for it, it just isn't the same. I wish I knew she loved me as much as I, for her. I want to be someone's world and really feel it. Having to recall random, spaced out moments of love is actually making me feel more alone inside. Is this what love has been reduced to?"

What if you only had 24 months (at best) left with someone?

I find it hard to not feel blessed even on the days that start and end craptastically as of late. How, you ask? I think back of the battles of the past year, foremost on that list? My momma. I've been gifted her for many more years... her odds people, were as low as 15%, with 6 months to 2 years at best if it wasn't gone. How can I not be grateful, even on the crappy days, after being gifted something so wonderful?

I know that each person has their own "demons" to deal with on a daily basis. I'm not saying any one persons problems are less than another's either. When you're in that moment of what ever personal hell that is... no one can talk you up but you.

My purpose of my post falls along the lines of, it could always be worse. Most everyone I know is struggling right now and not just financially. Sadly, financial burden tends to heavily affect our emotional states. So while you sit here reading these words, know that I'm here for you. I'm one short laugh away... for you. Always.

Just Out of My Grasp

I spend my days thinking of you. Wishing, waiting and wanting the chance to be called yours. We simply mesh in so many ways but that doesn't seem to be enough to make it so. I hear your words and I understand your fears but as time moves on, I wonder if you'll ever give yourself to me. I'm saddened at the idea of never being able to truly know all of you.

Days pass, time moves slowly still. I feel something... different. I know it's coming. I see you ahead. I follow you. You keep yourself at a distance. The space between seems to be growing larger and larger. I start to run, I want to be by your side. The faster I run, the further apart we become till with one misguided step I fall. The breath is knocked out of me. I lay there with tears streaming, knowing that I've lost you and for the first time in my life, I don't get up. I can't do it. I know how it feels now...

I reach my hand out to...

~Not sure how this one ends. Did I mention I hate these types of dreams?~

Right Around the Corner

I was thinking about love, broken hearts, the unknown and here is how my romantic muse, a song and this photo inspired this story.

I sit along this light post, starring at the sky painted above. I take a sip from my apple-tini and feel it dance slowly down to my stomach. I close my eyes and take in every bit of it's flavor. A smile slowly draws itself across my face, I inhale a deep breath as I set my glass down to rest for a moment. As I reopen my eyes I see people walk past, to and fro. Some very fast, some very loud, others just strolling around. I see couples, friends, parents, children... and I begin to wonder about her.

I reach for my glass again and take a long sip, once again enjoying every flavor that is skipping across my palette. She seeps to the forefront of my thoughts. The smile she possesses, the way she opens a door for me, the way she looks at me from across a crowded room and makes me feel like I'm the only one there. We're always laughing, even at the silliest of things. Even in our serious moments we can find a way to smile. I love that about us. She reaches for my hand as many times as there are moments for her to do so. She takes me in her arms and we dance together, anywhere because the music is within us. We have just as much fun on a road trip as we do sitting next to each other on the couch. It truly doesn't matter where we are as long as we're together. People are sickened by our "cuteness." We go on long walks together, constantly talking about ideas and what's coming up next. The way she coddles over me, the way she brings things before I even realize I wanted them until they are in my hand. Constant and equal admiration toward one another. Being able to "feel" when something isn't quite right and knowing how to fix it. Passion that runs so deep and long that it could overflow every empty stream or canal in the world. A feeling of knowing that this person has gifted you their entire being, entrusted you with their very soul... this, this is what I long for.

As he says... "I just haven't met you yet."

Hope I never stop...

I have such a run and jump with both feet attitude. I will push and shove and find my way through with such determination. I will give everything I can. I will talk till I'm blue in the face. I will use my words with such fierceness and conviction, lawyers would be impressed. When I believe in something, I want everyone around me to believe it. I mean, if it's so obvious to me, why can't it be to someone else? Why? Why? Why?

*I'm shaking my head repeating "Why?" like 100 times, no joke*

So the downfall, if I were a pessimist, is that sometimes when I land, it's unfortunate that it's flat on my face or my ass. I have to wonder as years pass and more failures happen (because I'm realistic, not a pessimist) am I going to start to lose that child-like enthusiasm? Am I going to stumble my way through something awkwardly or not at all?

Goodness, I certainly hope not. I hope I can remember those few FANTASTIC moments that have occurred in my life when it did pay off. That I'm glad I went for it. I'll keep hope because that's what I do. I don't want to walk anywhere else, I like my path of hope. I just can't help but hope for someone to share that walk with some day...

Controlled Cancer

This is what it's called for the 3 months after you finish your treatments of Chemo and Radiation.  Today marks the last day of radiation till September.  She will be tested again, then we get to call it remission :o)

I wanted to blog my FB post to keep in memory.  I didn't blog very much as far as all that we went through.  I won't need to recall posts for the feelings I've had.  I won't forget them ever.  I have learned a lot and am set on a very good path now.  I do need to walk lightly because right now I'm feeling unstoppable and that can be a recipe for disaster.

Mommie, you should be finishing your last radiation right now... I ♥ You.
:::deep, loving sigh:::

Jumbled Thoughts

*This one is going to need a clause on it.  It's going to have a lot of random sentences, some may make sense and others may be complete non-sense.  This is very much a journal entry and to serve as a reminder for me.  No, I don't want to discuss it.  Thank you.*

I'm learning more and more about myself and how 'fucked' up my minds inner workings are. I wish myself luck on this... I don't want to ever be called out again like that.

Ever get kicked in the stomach from across the room without even being physically touched?  I think it hurts more than actually being kicked in the stomach with an actual foot.

When does taking care of me, my needs and desires step over the line into selfishness beyond all belief?  Some people tell you to take care of yourself, do what's right for you... but how far can that go before other people call you a selfish, inconsiderate bitch?  Perception... it's like relativity, different from one person to the next and their views on the world.

Good enough for that but not good enough for the binding part.  I still can't wrap my mind around all of it.  I don't think I'm capable of understanding it at the juncture, at this moment now, it's very consuming and I have another focus right now.  A few actually, I let my UnDoing take over too long, not sure of the true damage done but the next couple weeks will tell me.

I've been in Wonderland too long, time to crawl back up that hole and figure out what is real again.  

Harmony & Balance ---find me, please.

The Shell

Cancer Diaries - Still adjusting; her-feeding tube, me-seeing her

So I haven't been able to see my mom for about 2 weeks.  I've been sick with this fantastic cold but even better, a cough.  That pretty much put me blocked from seeing my mom at all.  I call to check in but with the past conversations and lack of 'complete' information, I do have to wonder how accurate the information is.  I've been told she is doing better.  She is home now and learning how to function.  My dad, aunt and cousin are at her beck and call.  Oddly enough, she is VERY good about asking for every little thing and they happily run around for her.

She was having some problems with vomiting the day before so when she went to the doctor yesterday they gave her a shot to help ease with the digestion and nausea.  The side effect was Zombie-esque mom last night.  I was on my way in from Taft visiting a friend and decided that I was clear enough to stop by and see her.  As she was happy to see me, it took her a bit to realize I was there.  I got updates while we sat around the living room.

She doesn't look as good as they described or how I imagined her in my head.  I'm not saying she's not better but she is a shell of the mom I know and that makes me want to vomit.  I'm trying to wrap my head around it.  This woman who was strong, assertive, ass-kicking, stubborn as the day is long, determined, carried the weight of everyone in her life... is now this tiny, shell of a woman that only seems to exist in my head.  It's as if I imagined her as a character in one of my stories.  She's down about 17lbs now, watching her at 161 is weird.  I've NEVER seen her under 175 before so that adds to the frail stature she has now become.

I think my being sick gave me an out about not having to deal with seeing her day to day and I'm yet again, left to play "catch up" with my feelings and dealings with what is going on.  I went to gym afterwards and I could feel it all creeping in.  The sadness, oooh this one wasn't going to hide for very long.  I drove around for a little while after gym to try to get some air.  Breathing wasn't so simple as in and out.  Every breath had her name on it.  I was feeling everything that I had missed these past 2 weeks and it hurt.

I got home with the intention of writing this to help me process but that didn't work out.  Tee got home right before I did and in her wonderful, caring fashion, her concern and questions brought it all right to the surface.  I was forced to run out of the office and into the shower to sob alone.  I don't think I was in there very long but it felt like hours.  I came out, still with the intention of writing this but when she walked up behind me to hug me, I lost it, again.  Strange how the touch of another can make you weep without a second thought.  I guess I wasn't as done crying as I thought.  I'm just glad it did all make its way out.

It's going to get harder before it gets easier.  I'm not going to fool myself otherwise.  

6 Word Story: 
Cancer Diaries: 1 day after surgery 

Hope for Her; Faith in Future

Watching my Mom

The Cancer Diaries - 3 days before surgery

I sit here on a bar stool facing the kitchen on Easter Sunday finishing my slice of banana cream pie.  I look up and see my mom washing dishes like she's done so many times before.  This time, however, she looks so different to me.  I notice how she stares out the window in front of her.  Starring off so intensly I have to wonder what she's thinking about.

It's 3 days till her surgery.  The surgery that will tell us the news we've all been waiting to hear for the past 2 weeks.  The news that could change so many lives.

Something inside of me says this is probably the very thing swirling around in her head right now.

This blog may sound bleak but its not at all.  I write these words to serve a purpose, a reminder.  Life is fleeting.  We are born set on a path toward death.  It begins as we take that first breath and scream for life.

Living unhappy, living in pain, living without hope... well that isn't really living now is it?

I watch her now, I look at her with different eyes.  I want to take her fears away.  I want to watch her stand in front of that sink again telling me about her golf game and how she f'd up some putt on the 7th hole.  Listening to her talk about prepping for surgery and my aunt coming in to take care of things sounds so nightmarish.  It's almost incomprehensible but here we sit discussing such informalities.

~Here is your reminder for hope and events that will and need to happen because when it comes down to it, you want to live a passionate life.~