I'm not sure why when you are strapped for time, that when you do have an hour or two that it can't be cherished more, that it can't be full of love and not being able to keep your hands off one another but instead it's filled, so many more times than not, with fighting and barely recognizing one another. Having your hands on computers or phones 5x more than one another.
This feeling isn't new, it's been happening for years. I've watched it among others, I've lived it, it's so constant and so heartbreaking.
#answerThereCameNone
Monday, April 16, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Turtle's 1st Surgery
My friend has begun the final stage of becoming a Surgical Tech. She started her clinicals yesterday. This means she scrubbed in on her very 1st surgery. Now what makes this blog-worthy is the type of surgery it was: on a vagina. Not funny that someone needed this type of surgery, funny because MY BESTIE TURTLE's (who is a Lesbian) first surgery was on a Vagina! Come on, laugh, it's funny. One better? She popped her surgical cherry on a vagina. Yes. I said it. And yes I'm laughing like a teenager as I type this.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
So yeah, I'm THAT girl.
My list of ex's is short. No, really, like less than one hand. For one reason or another, after the sadness and hurt have passed, I have been blessed (or lucky) enough to keep each as friends. So much in fact that one may be my roomie for a bit and another called me today in the middle of a full blown meltdown and said this to me... "You know me better than anyone." Now, she has a partner whom she is truly in love with. They are in the midst of adopting and I'm so happy for them both, no really, I am. But I have had the pleasure of being her friend since the age of 10. Our families were close for many years and with that much time under our belts, it just makes sense that we "know" one another. We've shared a lot of experiences and it's nice that our circle has completed back to 'Friend.'
At the end of the day, all I want for anyone I care for, intimately or not, is to be happy. I strive to find happy some days, I know how important it is for the soul.
So there I sat at work, listening to her. Feeling her pain in her words and just listening. Asking questions at the appropriate pauses, taking it in. So as she finished she said, "you know how I like being comfortable... so what do you think?"
My answer was simple and I literally could hear the light bulb moment in her sigh. I am so thankful that she and I can still chat. I don't like for others to be unhappy or uncomfortable. I hope she gets her comfort back soon.
Blessings to you dear friend <3
At the end of the day, all I want for anyone I care for, intimately or not, is to be happy. I strive to find happy some days, I know how important it is for the soul.
So there I sat at work, listening to her. Feeling her pain in her words and just listening. Asking questions at the appropriate pauses, taking it in. So as she finished she said, "you know how I like being comfortable... so what do you think?"
My answer was simple and I literally could hear the light bulb moment in her sigh. I am so thankful that she and I can still chat. I don't like for others to be unhappy or uncomfortable. I hope she gets her comfort back soon.
Blessings to you dear friend <3
Friday, January 20, 2012
Why
Funny thing, watching from the outside. One notices things, things that tell exactly when someone is denying their own heart. And more importantly, when their heart is getting what they want, it becomes very apparent to those that actually pay attention. Deny all they want. Slam that foot down with gusto but at the end of the day, you're just lying to yourself. And why? Really, why? Because you're angry? Because your ego got side swiped? Hey, guess what? We're all human. Even you. The crazier thing? We are allowed to change our mind.
Sitting where I am, it seems easy but sitting where they are, well only they can make the excuses that keep them from what they really want...
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Came from No Where
"I gave you a piece of my heart and you handed it back broken and damaged. It's so mangled, in fact, it's unrecognizable. I can only tell what it is because it is a part of me, a part that I thought you loved. It may look like something that came from a garbage disposal but it's a piece of me. One day someone will fix it. Someone who really loves me. Someone who will replace all of these shattered, broken and damaged pieces that I gave with such hope and so freely. Sadly, love lost and they were thrown back... until you. You never asked for a piece of my heart. You just came in and began fixing all those mangled, torn, scorned, wounded and used pieces. I never even knew someone like you existed. I never knew someone like you walked among us. I never have known someone like you."
~work in progress
~work in progress
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Personal Hell - check; Shit Storm - check; Making it through? - working on it
I have had a helluava year. My mom has moved on to a different plain. I mean that alone, wow. Can things get worse? Of course they can, life is just full of trials. JAM PACKED, crammed to the top, full of 'em.
- I lost my will to bake.
- I lost my love for life.
- I lost feeling safe within myself
- I lost my ability to love and not be angry
- I lost a lot of everything I thought I was 'good' with.
- I lost my normal life.
As I barely (and I mean teeny, tiny, teeny weenie) began to try to want to live life again, my g/f gets struck down with a slue of illnesses, not just 2 or 3 but like 6 things. No one, especially my Prynce, deserves such a blow. So much in fact that it kept her out of work for over a month. THEN in the midst of all of this my bestie Turtle isn't healing at all and then fast forward to the hospital because she will die without this surgery or can die because of the surgery. Really? I just lost my mom, my g/f is struggling and now you want to throw the gauntlet down even harder by taunting me with possibly taking my friend? Dangling the thought of losing someone else I love? The friend who helped me get through moms passing. You just have to shake your head and wonder. Why?
Some days I struggle eleventy billion times harder than others. My faith has been shaken and stirred. People I thought I could rely on, didn't just fall short but fell off the face of the Earth. Complete strangers kept me going. Up was down and bananas were apples. And today I felt this compelling urge to blog that through hell and shit, I'm still walking tall. I can still (on most days) be grateful for who is left in my life and strive to be better. To keep going and not give up.
I always wondered if I could step up for others when I was down. Turns out I can. I'm not perfect and I have made a list of mistakes that isn't short. I just hope I can keep moving toward a future full of success in love and family. Money would be nice but the comfort I got from people when I needed it most was what kept me going and truly showed me what is important.
"Without love, I am just without"
- I lost my will to bake.
- I lost my love for life.
- I lost feeling safe within myself
- I lost my ability to love and not be angry
- I lost a lot of everything I thought I was 'good' with.
- I lost my normal life.
As I barely (and I mean teeny, tiny, teeny weenie) began to try to want to live life again, my g/f gets struck down with a slue of illnesses, not just 2 or 3 but like 6 things. No one, especially my Prynce, deserves such a blow. So much in fact that it kept her out of work for over a month. THEN in the midst of all of this my bestie Turtle isn't healing at all and then fast forward to the hospital because she will die without this surgery or can die because of the surgery. Really? I just lost my mom, my g/f is struggling and now you want to throw the gauntlet down even harder by taunting me with possibly taking my friend? Dangling the thought of losing someone else I love? The friend who helped me get through moms passing. You just have to shake your head and wonder. Why?
Some days I struggle eleventy billion times harder than others. My faith has been shaken and stirred. People I thought I could rely on, didn't just fall short but fell off the face of the Earth. Complete strangers kept me going. Up was down and bananas were apples. And today I felt this compelling urge to blog that through hell and shit, I'm still walking tall. I can still (on most days) be grateful for who is left in my life and strive to be better. To keep going and not give up.
I always wondered if I could step up for others when I was down. Turns out I can. I'm not perfect and I have made a list of mistakes that isn't short. I just hope I can keep moving toward a future full of success in love and family. Money would be nice but the comfort I got from people when I needed it most was what kept me going and truly showed me what is important.
"Without love, I am just without"
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Answer a Question, Get Yelled At
Honesty. Such an interesting word. It's suppose to be the best policy. This is usually the case when you're dealing with rational people. I, however, was not today. I answered a question and then was slammed with a lot of cuss words. Now, I'm not a prude and can drop an F bomb as well as the next person but if there is one way you want to truly piss me off? Cuss at me. Don't talk to me like a rational person but just get pissed, assume you know all the details to my answer and yell and rant like a lunatic. Basically, I'll sit there and just blink a lot. You can't argue with someone who choses to go from zero to mean in less than 5 seconds. The even better part? When I ask you to stop, just stop. Continually attacking me, is not your best answer. Hey, if in 2 or 3 days you still feel that strongly (after asking me why I answered the way I did and taking in my words first, of course) then tell me how upset you are. Because, what is one of the first things we learn kids about words? "Be careful what you say because you can apologize for the words but you can't take them back." This means they are cemented in ones brain forever.
So here I lay, blogging out these frustrations so I can and move forward, definitely with a heavier heart, but forward none the less. I'll definitely look at you differently for the rest of forever. Attacking me with your words of "so called family" well, now I know how you really feel too. I live by the words "say what you mean and mean what you say." I expect those around me to know that. If you've taken any time at all to chat with me about words to live by, you'd know this. On that note, I guess thinking this is my "so called family" was just that, all in my head.
So here I lay, blogging out these frustrations so I can and move forward, definitely with a heavier heart, but forward none the less. I'll definitely look at you differently for the rest of forever. Attacking me with your words of "so called family" well, now I know how you really feel too. I live by the words "say what you mean and mean what you say." I expect those around me to know that. If you've taken any time at all to chat with me about words to live by, you'd know this. On that note, I guess thinking this is my "so called family" was just that, all in my head.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Miscellaneous Everything
Been away awhile. As most know, mom is watching me from above now. I know I'll never recover from this. I just won't, how can I? You just learn to live in a new world, with a whole new life with one person you never wanted to live without. She loved me unconditionally... she gave me life and now we no longer walk on the same plain anymore...
Baking has taken a huge halt and brings more pain than happiness. I will work through this... hopefully... some day.
Music is still my life raft, most days it's what I listen to while I sail downstream in my own tears.
Helping a friend with her Bottle Cap Business which is sorta our Bottle Cap Business because I don't have enough going on. I'm getting a handle on the 3 of our businesses though because I'm ready to work from home. Creating from my own hand, I like what I do and I like how happy people get from things I craft. Hopefully, in a couple years this will be all we do. Just need to build a nice, sturdy foundation first.
So I'm just starting here. I can't go backwards, it hurts way too much. Just going to start here and move forward. Slowly.
Been away awhile. As most know, mom is watching me from above now. I know I'll never recover from this. I just won't, how can I? You just learn to live in a new world, with a whole new life with one person you never wanted to live without. She loved me unconditionally... she gave me life and now we no longer walk on the same plain anymore...
Baking has taken a huge halt and brings more pain than happiness. I will work through this... hopefully... some day.
Music is still my life raft, most days it's what I listen to while I sail downstream in my own tears.
Helping a friend with her Bottle Cap Business which is sorta our Bottle Cap Business because I don't have enough going on. I'm getting a handle on the 3 of our businesses though because I'm ready to work from home. Creating from my own hand, I like what I do and I like how happy people get from things I craft. Hopefully, in a couple years this will be all we do. Just need to build a nice, sturdy foundation first.
So I'm just starting here. I can't go backwards, it hurts way too much. Just going to start here and move forward. Slowly.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
How did you answer these...
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
How did you answer these...
Monday, March 21, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Things I carry with me daily...
Her Love
~on days when there seems to be quicksand in every direction, gusty winds and rain without an umbrella, no light at the end of a tunnel, her love keeps me moving. on days when birds sing all around me, the sun shines on any path I walk on, she smiles at me, her love keeps me moving.
My parents
~I'm blessed with some of the greatest parents anyone could ever ask for. Unconditional love, encouragement, praise and support. I really do hope I get to keep them around for a long, long time.
Spreading Good Karma
~in the form of baking. I'm loving this new venture and really do hope it will just keep growing and flourishing. I just want to keep getting better.
Music
~good for the body (at gym), the mind (keeps my mood where I need it to be) and the soul (let in the peace)
Red Bull
~my worst new addiction, I plan to fix it soon. I'm 2 weeks in and up to 2 (12oz cans) a day but I can't keep this all peaches and roses. It's about being honest here kiddies.
This list is ever changing and growing...
Her Love
~on days when there seems to be quicksand in every direction, gusty winds and rain without an umbrella, no light at the end of a tunnel, her love keeps me moving. on days when birds sing all around me, the sun shines on any path I walk on, she smiles at me, her love keeps me moving.
My parents
~I'm blessed with some of the greatest parents anyone could ever ask for. Unconditional love, encouragement, praise and support. I really do hope I get to keep them around for a long, long time.
Spreading Good Karma
~in the form of baking. I'm loving this new venture and really do hope it will just keep growing and flourishing. I just want to keep getting better.
Music
~good for the body (at gym), the mind (keeps my mood where I need it to be) and the soul (let in the peace)
Red Bull
~my worst new addiction, I plan to fix it soon. I'm 2 weeks in and up to 2 (12oz cans) a day but I can't keep this all peaches and roses. It's about being honest here kiddies.
This list is ever changing and growing...
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Oh, I failed to mention...
I see more turmoil then usual online lately (and that makes me wonder how much is going on that is unsaid as well) and my heart goes out to any and all of my friends in pain right now. I hope you find your way and soon. Some are dealing with the 'mistrust' of their partner or friends. So very sad indeed.
We have to wonder when a partner/friend begins to hide things they're doing or people for that matter. If it's "not a big deal" how come it isn't mentioned? It's these little things that turn BIG because of lack of honesty. Simply said, don't make excuses as to why you're hiding stuff. Of course the mind is going to wonder: is it because of unresolved feelings? Losing interest? New feelings? Longing for what was lost?
Remember that person across from you that says they love you? They mean it... do you and why the hiding?
I see more turmoil then usual online lately (and that makes me wonder how much is going on that is unsaid as well) and my heart goes out to any and all of my friends in pain right now. I hope you find your way and soon. Some are dealing with the 'mistrust' of their partner or friends. So very sad indeed.
We have to wonder when a partner/friend begins to hide things they're doing or people for that matter. If it's "not a big deal" how come it isn't mentioned? It's these little things that turn BIG because of lack of honesty. Simply said, don't make excuses as to why you're hiding stuff. Of course the mind is going to wonder: is it because of unresolved feelings? Losing interest? New feelings? Longing for what was lost?
Remember that person across from you that says they love you? They mean it... do you and why the hiding?
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Sand
I was having a great conversation this morning with a friend. She asked how I was doing as of late since my last month was such a dismal, spiraling, personal hell. I answered, "very well." I took a moment on my birthday to regroup. I found what I was doing wrong, the extreme side of me took over and unfortunately, I couldn't see that at the time.
I grabbed a handful of sand from Love, Cake Business, My Parents/Family, Work, My Health and The House. I tried to grab all of them at once and hold on tight. Well, what happens when you grab a handful of sand? It slips through your fingers and you're only left with a few grains. My initial reaction to just grab and be able to handle it all, was the beginning of my demise. I forgot one simple thing: work smarter. Instead of grabbing buckets to carry the sand or asking for help, I thought I could get by with just a handful of each.
I am listening, very intently to those closely around me. There are some troubling signs there but I am ready to help in any way I can, keeping mind of my personal buckets of life that need careful care as well.
Moving forward slowly is still moving forward... remember that when you find yourself struggling in life.
I was having a great conversation this morning with a friend. She asked how I was doing as of late since my last month was such a dismal, spiraling, personal hell. I answered, "very well." I took a moment on my birthday to regroup. I found what I was doing wrong, the extreme side of me took over and unfortunately, I couldn't see that at the time.
I grabbed a handful of sand from Love, Cake Business, My Parents/Family, Work, My Health and The House. I tried to grab all of them at once and hold on tight. Well, what happens when you grab a handful of sand? It slips through your fingers and you're only left with a few grains. My initial reaction to just grab and be able to handle it all, was the beginning of my demise. I forgot one simple thing: work smarter. Instead of grabbing buckets to carry the sand or asking for help, I thought I could get by with just a handful of each.
I am listening, very intently to those closely around me. There are some troubling signs there but I am ready to help in any way I can, keeping mind of my personal buckets of life that need careful care as well.
Moving forward slowly is still moving forward... remember that when you find yourself struggling in life.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Deepens
Our moments of our eyes getting lost in one anothers are growing and becoming more frequent.
I love that.
Your words and feelings are coming more freely to me.
I love you.
Our smiles and laughs together are our best play dates.
I love us.
My thoughts of "what's next?" remind me of what it feels like to be "twitterpated" daily.
Thank You for all of it and you...
Our moments of our eyes getting lost in one anothers are growing and becoming more frequent.
I love that.
Your words and feelings are coming more freely to me.
I love you.
Our smiles and laughs together are our best play dates.
I love us.
My thoughts of "what's next?" remind me of what it feels like to be "twitterpated" daily.
Thank You for all of it and you...
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Friday, March 04, 2011
Wearing this skin
A real-life script of how
Our hands would hold and not let go
But delay the mournful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message
That you taught me how to live at last
But I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we wave respect goodbye
In quest for what we long to be, but
I might crumble, I might take a fall again
Still missing you...
...But you're my everlasting friend.
A real-life script of how
Our hands would hold and not let go
But delay the mournful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message
That you taught me how to live at last
But I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we wave respect goodbye
In quest for what we long to be, but
I might crumble, I might take a fall again
Still missing you...
...But you're my everlasting friend.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Hers vs. Hyrs Littleism #2
Okay so my dyke did the most amazing thing for me yesterday. Scratch that, she did a lot of amazing things for me but one the amazing things she did was "assembling" my birthday cheesecake. I am/was perfectly fine with making my own birthday cake. Her surprise to me was wanting to try and do it and I don't care if the thing never set and I had to drink it, it still would be the best cake I've ever had. She isn't exactly a baker, she is my strong willed, fix anything with tools, build me a shelf, take care of her girl and make sure her girl feels safe and loved kinda woman and I LOVE that about her. So for her to step outside of her comfort zone and want to do this for me, just meant the world to me. The purpose of this post actually wasn't JUST to dote over how amazingly awesome she is though. The funniest things happened yesterday while she was in the kitchen.
We learned 2 things:
1) The reason I'm so "fucking" strong isn't because of my workouts but because I bake so much. Apparently while mixing, she found her arm got a little tired (I'm still laughing hysterically because her face was so priceless)
and 2) There is different terminolgy when a girl is in a kitchen and a dyke is in a kitchen.
I wanted to blog some of those terms just because it's fun and funny.
Me - I would say follow the recipe
She would say follow the directions
I say Cookbook
She says Manual
I say springfoam pan
She says cake pan (they are all cake pans btw, there is not a difference)
I say cake tester (toothpick or the metal cake tester I have)
She sees cake tester and thinks hammer
*I believe she would have crushed the cookies this way too but I use a magic bullet, call me old fashioned
I say hand mixer
She wants to put the beater in her drill, like a drill bit to mix it (and actually did it)
It really was an awesome adventure with her and really made my birthday special. Little things matter, making a cake for someone says so much. It was made with love and the cutest determination and I'm going to enjoy every bit of it. Thank you my <3
Okay so my dyke did the most amazing thing for me yesterday. Scratch that, she did a lot of amazing things for me but one the amazing things she did was "assembling" my birthday cheesecake. I am/was perfectly fine with making my own birthday cake. Her surprise to me was wanting to try and do it and I don't care if the thing never set and I had to drink it, it still would be the best cake I've ever had. She isn't exactly a baker, she is my strong willed, fix anything with tools, build me a shelf, take care of her girl and make sure her girl feels safe and loved kinda woman and I LOVE that about her. So for her to step outside of her comfort zone and want to do this for me, just meant the world to me. The purpose of this post actually wasn't JUST to dote over how amazingly awesome she is though. The funniest things happened yesterday while she was in the kitchen.
We learned 2 things:
1) The reason I'm so "fucking" strong isn't because of my workouts but because I bake so much. Apparently while mixing, she found her arm got a little tired (I'm still laughing hysterically because her face was so priceless)
and 2) There is different terminolgy when a girl is in a kitchen and a dyke is in a kitchen.
I wanted to blog some of those terms just because it's fun and funny.
Me - I would say follow the recipe
She would say follow the directions
I say Cookbook
She says Manual
I say springfoam pan
She says cake pan (they are all cake pans btw, there is not a difference)
I say cake tester (toothpick or the metal cake tester I have)
She sees cake tester and thinks hammer
*I believe she would have crushed the cookies this way too but I use a magic bullet, call me old fashioned
I say hand mixer
She wants to put the beater in her drill, like a drill bit to mix it (and actually did it)
It really was an awesome adventure with her and really made my birthday special. Little things matter, making a cake for someone says so much. It was made with love and the cutest determination and I'm going to enjoy every bit of it. Thank you my <3
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
People can really turn a darke place brighter...
On my drive home yesterday I realized that I left the sour cream back at the office that I needed for my icing. The sour cream that I needed the night before and didn't have *turn on tears* I know you may be thinking, "wow, it's just sour cream you big baby." What you may not understand is it felt like another big A$$ nail in the coffin... another cherry on my pile of crap... another kick in the stomach to break that last rib. My thought was, this week was rough. Which then triggered, so was last week... oh dang, so was the week before. :o\
My ability to "keep my chin up" isn't going so well. Some hours it's not so bad, I am gifted some decent hours lately and I'll take it because right now, it's better than nothing. It's even hard to get me in the kitchen sometimes and that's like my sanctuary, so that must say something.
I had a cupcake order last night. I needed to make a chocolate icing that was brand new and I didn't want to have any doubt but with the month I've been having, you have to know my thoughts weren't of rainbows and sunshine rays. So I get home, check my mixes and I don't have the one I need. *face palm* Another important thing I MIGHT need to complete my order. I crawl into bed with my Bear and she is so good at comforting me and letting me cry. After my melt down, I text my Ryan, I just can't handle going out and being around people. He saves my day, gets my cake stuff and my sour cream. He also convinces Landyn to stay over and Karissa to hang out. Those 3 are like my personal entertainment. They make you laugh when you don't think you can. My Joel listened to me in the kitchen. He was very sympathetic to my heart break and feelings I'm going through.
All in all, I'm lucky to be surrounded by light even though I feel like I'm locked in a basement without windows. Thank you for my flashlight guys, just being you, made this little girls evening turn around.
On my drive home yesterday I realized that I left the sour cream back at the office that I needed for my icing. The sour cream that I needed the night before and didn't have *turn on tears* I know you may be thinking, "wow, it's just sour cream you big baby." What you may not understand is it felt like another big A$$ nail in the coffin... another cherry on my pile of crap... another kick in the stomach to break that last rib. My thought was, this week was rough. Which then triggered, so was last week... oh dang, so was the week before. :o\
My ability to "keep my chin up" isn't going so well. Some hours it's not so bad, I am gifted some decent hours lately and I'll take it because right now, it's better than nothing. It's even hard to get me in the kitchen sometimes and that's like my sanctuary, so that must say something.
I had a cupcake order last night. I needed to make a chocolate icing that was brand new and I didn't want to have any doubt but with the month I've been having, you have to know my thoughts weren't of rainbows and sunshine rays. So I get home, check my mixes and I don't have the one I need. *face palm* Another important thing I MIGHT need to complete my order. I crawl into bed with my Bear and she is so good at comforting me and letting me cry. After my melt down, I text my Ryan, I just can't handle going out and being around people. He saves my day, gets my cake stuff and my sour cream. He also convinces Landyn to stay over and Karissa to hang out. Those 3 are like my personal entertainment. They make you laugh when you don't think you can. My Joel listened to me in the kitchen. He was very sympathetic to my heart break and feelings I'm going through.
All in all, I'm lucky to be surrounded by light even though I feel like I'm locked in a basement without windows. Thank you for my flashlight guys, just being you, made this little girls evening turn around.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Little Things Matter- Littleism #1: Purple Heart Ring
I think I will call these Littleism's from now on.
So Tee gave me the cutest Happy Valentine's Day gift, the Lady Bug from Build a Bear. She went in there and stuffed her, made a wish on her heart and even put in a cute "I love you" button in her hand. I adore her. I keep turning my head to the left and looking at her and smiling. Her outfit, shoes... JUST. LOVE. HER! Her name is even Mrs. Peanut! I've been wanting to get Peanut a girlfriend and now he has the cutest wife! *all smiles*
Tee also handed me something else. A little plastic heart shaped ring. She said that someone brought in cupcakes today and these were on top. She grabbed a purple one because she wanted to give it to me. My girlfriend works some insane hours right now. She isn't around as much as she would like to be but we all know what it's like to have to put in some time to get where we want to be. So after working her 10 hour graveyard shift, her thought was to bring me that purple heart shaped ring. She cleaned it up and put it in her pocket to give to me. I'm wearing it on my pinkie finger. Knowing that when she saw it, she thought of me. Well, that's something that makes me so happy. It's nice to know someone in the world is thinking of you...
I think I will call these Littleism's from now on.
So Tee gave me the cutest Happy Valentine's Day gift, the Lady Bug from Build a Bear. She went in there and stuffed her, made a wish on her heart and even put in a cute "I love you" button in her hand. I adore her. I keep turning my head to the left and looking at her and smiling. Her outfit, shoes... JUST. LOVE. HER! Her name is even Mrs. Peanut! I've been wanting to get Peanut a girlfriend and now he has the cutest wife! *all smiles*
Tee also handed me something else. A little plastic heart shaped ring. She said that someone brought in cupcakes today and these were on top. She grabbed a purple one because she wanted to give it to me. My girlfriend works some insane hours right now. She isn't around as much as she would like to be but we all know what it's like to have to put in some time to get where we want to be. So after working her 10 hour graveyard shift, her thought was to bring me that purple heart shaped ring. She cleaned it up and put it in her pocket to give to me. I'm wearing it on my pinkie finger. Knowing that when she saw it, she thought of me. Well, that's something that makes me so happy. It's nice to know someone in the world is thinking of you...
Friday, February 11, 2011
*waves* Bye to my middle ground...
I guess it isn't enough that I wanted happiness for 2 nice girls. The crumby part is, I feel like I can't have my friend anymore, asking her to shopping trips just doesn't feel right or hanging out. Hell, gym seems unreasonable now.
The funniest part is 65% of our conversations are ideas of things for you. She cares so much about you and what you think and doesn't want to mess anything up with you and her. She just comes to me for ideas or thoughts on a gift, just like you did... The other 35% is roughly about my relationship, gym and food issues.
Blasting posts like that basically made it too obvious for people so the embarrassment to me is awesome with the questions I've been receiving.
It's called a break up for a reason, it's broken, that part was unfixable. We found our peace as friends, luckily, and an awesome middle ground. Well that middle ground is basically full of land mines now. So here I sit, feeling quite odd and side swiped.
I guess it isn't enough that I wanted happiness for 2 nice girls. The crumby part is, I feel like I can't have my friend anymore, asking her to shopping trips just doesn't feel right or hanging out. Hell, gym seems unreasonable now.
The funniest part is 65% of our conversations are ideas of things for you. She cares so much about you and what you think and doesn't want to mess anything up with you and her. She just comes to me for ideas or thoughts on a gift, just like you did... The other 35% is roughly about my relationship, gym and food issues.
Blasting posts like that basically made it too obvious for people so the embarrassment to me is awesome with the questions I've been receiving.
It's called a break up for a reason, it's broken, that part was unfixable. We found our peace as friends, luckily, and an awesome middle ground. Well that middle ground is basically full of land mines now. So here I sit, feeling quite odd and side swiped.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
"I'll add him to my list"
Superbowl Sunday was this past weekend and that means "mini" reunion time for my family. 35 people came over and as much as I would have liked for Tee to make it, she ended up having one of her longest days ever so she had to sleep the Superbowl away. It was so great so see so much of my family and cousins and babies! I just love the babies! I was coming down the hall and this little one saw me coming, stood up on her newly shaky legs and put her arms up for me to pick her up. UM OKAY!!! She is adorable. She is my cousins daughter and I can't remember her name at this moment but she was my new best friend. I had to ask another cousin who I was holding LOL She gives hugs and kisses and kid giggles and smiles and my heart is melting all over again just thinking about her little hands on my cheeks. *sigh* Anyway, focusing, that was a tangent!
So the night comes to a close and sadly as we grow older many prayers are needed for sickly, chronic or troubled times in life for many family members or friends. I learned something about my dad this night. Something that brings tears to my eyes every time I think about that moment in the driveway. A long time friend was saying her goodbyes and she asks my parents to "keep her brother" in their prayers, he's in a lot of pain and has lived 3 years longer than they thought. My dad quietly said, "I will add him to my list." My mom chimes in, "he isn't kidding. EVERY night he says prayers for me, Audrey, some people at work and anyone who asks. He spends 10 minutes saying prayers and reciting things for people that have asked him to. Sometimes when I go to bed before him and I hear him come in, I open one eye and I see him on the side of the bed saying all his prayers and it brings tears to my eyes every night." My dad just kinda shrugged his shoulders and said, "it's the least I can do and God answered my most important one."
We all got quiet because we knew it was for my mommie. *tears* I have the most amazing parents.
Superbowl Sunday was this past weekend and that means "mini" reunion time for my family. 35 people came over and as much as I would have liked for Tee to make it, she ended up having one of her longest days ever so she had to sleep the Superbowl away. It was so great so see so much of my family and cousins and babies! I just love the babies! I was coming down the hall and this little one saw me coming, stood up on her newly shaky legs and put her arms up for me to pick her up. UM OKAY!!! She is adorable. She is my cousins daughter and I can't remember her name at this moment but she was my new best friend. I had to ask another cousin who I was holding LOL She gives hugs and kisses and kid giggles and smiles and my heart is melting all over again just thinking about her little hands on my cheeks. *sigh* Anyway, focusing, that was a tangent!
So the night comes to a close and sadly as we grow older many prayers are needed for sickly, chronic or troubled times in life for many family members or friends. I learned something about my dad this night. Something that brings tears to my eyes every time I think about that moment in the driveway. A long time friend was saying her goodbyes and she asks my parents to "keep her brother" in their prayers, he's in a lot of pain and has lived 3 years longer than they thought. My dad quietly said, "I will add him to my list." My mom chimes in, "he isn't kidding. EVERY night he says prayers for me, Audrey, some people at work and anyone who asks. He spends 10 minutes saying prayers and reciting things for people that have asked him to. Sometimes when I go to bed before him and I hear him come in, I open one eye and I see him on the side of the bed saying all his prayers and it brings tears to my eyes every night." My dad just kinda shrugged his shoulders and said, "it's the least I can do and God answered my most important one."
We all got quiet because we knew it was for my mommie. *tears* I have the most amazing parents.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Just got the most gut-wrenching text after asking my "brother" how his birthday was?
"I spent it in the hospital with my dad, he's dying."
So much going on in life, so much bitterness, anger, worry and well, just a lot of negative emotions. Why live in such an unhappy state all the time? Find the problem and either make a real attempt at fixing it or remove it and move toward to a better way of life for you. People are really making me sick lately. Someone's dad is dying right now... you can't fix that.
"I spent it in the hospital with my dad, he's dying."
So much going on in life, so much bitterness, anger, worry and well, just a lot of negative emotions. Why live in such an unhappy state all the time? Find the problem and either make a real attempt at fixing it or remove it and move toward to a better way of life for you. People are really making me sick lately. Someone's dad is dying right now... you can't fix that.
Just a Matter of Time
"You make me nauseous posting about your "family." I have to admit you put on quite a show in front of people which I guess is how you can continue to lie so easily. You don't deserve the people in your life anymore, YOU chose to toss them aside. So handle your business and move along. You're not the only one who is done."
*shakes head* So sad...
"You make me nauseous posting about your "family." I have to admit you put on quite a show in front of people which I guess is how you can continue to lie so easily. You don't deserve the people in your life anymore, YOU chose to toss them aside. So handle your business and move along. You're not the only one who is done."
*shakes head* So sad...
Friday, February 04, 2011
Listening to this song a little differently now. I love some painful beauty. And this is just that, poetic, beautiful and sad. I love when artists can just "hit" it.
And hey darling
I hope you're good tonight
And I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving
Yeah I want it but no I don't need it
Tell me something sweet to get me by
'Cause I can't come back home till they're singing
La, la la la la la la
'Til everyone is singing
If you can wait till I get home
Then I swear to you
That we can make this last
(La la la)
If you can wait till I get home
Then I swear come tomorrow
This will all be in our past
Well it might be for the best
And hey sweetie
Well I need you here tonight
And I know that you don't want to be leaving me
Yeah you want it but I can't help it
I just feel complete when you're by my side
But I know you can't come home 'til they're singing
And hey darling
I hope you're good tonight
And I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving
Yeah I want it but no I don't need it
Tell me something sweet to get me by
'Cause I can't come back home till they're singing
La, la la la la la la
'Til everyone is singing
If you can wait till I get home
Then I swear to you
That we can make this last
(La la la)
If you can wait till I get home
Then I swear come tomorrow
This will all be in our past
Well it might be for the best
And hey sweetie
Well I need you here tonight
And I know that you don't want to be leaving me
Yeah you want it but I can't help it
I just feel complete when you're by my side
But I know you can't come home 'til they're singing
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Dear woman in Target,
Thank you for inadvertently insulting me and making me feel like I had no business buying my workout clothes. You have no idea what I've gone through to get to where I am. Thank you for showing me that society still thinks I'm "that size." And thanks to you, I felt so bad that I didn't buy the pink shirt I really wanted and COULD have fit into.
I hope you get a paper cut. A deep one. Not really, but I wish you would think before you opened your big mouth because honestly, I don't think "we're that size" just your mouth is ginormous. I guess it would need to be, to fit your foot in it, though.
Insulted,
me
Thank you for inadvertently insulting me and making me feel like I had no business buying my workout clothes. You have no idea what I've gone through to get to where I am. Thank you for showing me that society still thinks I'm "that size." And thanks to you, I felt so bad that I didn't buy the pink shirt I really wanted and COULD have fit into.
I hope you get a paper cut. A deep one. Not really, but I wish you would think before you opened your big mouth because honestly, I don't think "we're that size" just your mouth is ginormous. I guess it would need to be, to fit your foot in it, though.
Insulted,
me
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Urrking Me
We all have pet names for our sig others. Cute little pet names to show our love and affection toward the one we love. So what happens when someone else uses your pet name toward the one you love? Does it make you twinge a little inside? Maybe tilt your head or scrunch up your nose a little? Or does it even bother you at all...
We all have pet names for our sig others. Cute little pet names to show our love and affection toward the one we love. So what happens when someone else uses your pet name toward the one you love? Does it make you twinge a little inside? Maybe tilt your head or scrunch up your nose a little? Or does it even bother you at all...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Friday, December 03, 2010
"I'll be hiding, waiting for you."
Sometimes people have trouble giving themselves to another. Painful pasts, broken hearts, many reasons. This line reminds me that even though you put yourself out there for someone and [hopefully] they want to feel the same, returning the words you so freely give may take a little more time to be returned back to you.
Not meaning to overwhelm them, you're willingly here, just sitting off to the side, comforting, loving and well... waiting for you.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
OH... now I get it.
I've been told that I can get done more in one evening after working an 8 hour day than most people get done in a week. I like that I can do that. I hadn't really noticed but it's pretty cool that other people do. I realized why last night.
As of right now, I really don't look forward to weekends. They are full of things that I would normally accomplish during the week and as weekends are passing and I'm still not finishing, I head back into the week with a heavy feeling. I realize the reason I bust my ass all week is so I can "play" all weekend and not feel guilty about it. So if friends or family ask last minute to do something I don't have to have that sinking feeling of saying no and wishing "shoulda/coulda/woulda." I've let some projects fall by the wayside, thinking I can catch up but it's not working and I'm missing out a lot of things. I am giving myself 8 business days to get this fixed. It's going to be tough, it's going to be tiring but it's going to be worth it and that's what I strive for. I want a normal schedule again. I want to get this right, not just for myself but for my partner and for us.
I've been told that I can get done more in one evening after working an 8 hour day than most people get done in a week. I like that I can do that. I hadn't really noticed but it's pretty cool that other people do. I realized why last night.
As of right now, I really don't look forward to weekends. They are full of things that I would normally accomplish during the week and as weekends are passing and I'm still not finishing, I head back into the week with a heavy feeling. I realize the reason I bust my ass all week is so I can "play" all weekend and not feel guilty about it. So if friends or family ask last minute to do something I don't have to have that sinking feeling of saying no and wishing "shoulda/coulda/woulda." I've let some projects fall by the wayside, thinking I can catch up but it's not working and I'm missing out a lot of things. I am giving myself 8 business days to get this fixed. It's going to be tough, it's going to be tiring but it's going to be worth it and that's what I strive for. I want a normal schedule again. I want to get this right, not just for myself but for my partner and for us.
Monday, November 08, 2010
"I am given one line of pure bliss and I hold on to it like a child with a safety blanket. I squeeze every ounce of hope out of it I can. Some times it feels like days before I can see how she cares for me. I wish it was daily but if you have to ask for it, it just isn't the same. I wish I knew she loved me as much as I, for her. I want to be someone's world and really feel it. Having to recall random, spaced out moments of love is actually making me feel more alone inside. Is this what love has been reduced to?"
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Monday, October 04, 2010
Friday, October 01, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
What if you only had 24 months (at best) left with someone?
I find it hard to not feel blessed even on the days that start and end craptastically as of late. How, you ask? I think back of the battles of the past year, foremost on that list? My momma. I've been gifted her for many more years... her odds people, were as low as 15%, with 6 months to 2 years at best if it wasn't gone. How can I not be grateful, even on the crappy days, after being gifted something so wonderful?
I know that each person has their own "demons" to deal with on a daily basis. I'm not saying any one persons problems are less than another's either. When you're in that moment of what ever personal hell that is... no one can talk you up but you.
My purpose of my post falls along the lines of, it could always be worse. Most everyone I know is struggling right now and not just financially. Sadly, financial burden tends to heavily affect our emotional states. So while you sit here reading these words, know that I'm here for you. I'm one short laugh away... for you. Always.
I find it hard to not feel blessed even on the days that start and end craptastically as of late. How, you ask? I think back of the battles of the past year, foremost on that list? My momma. I've been gifted her for many more years... her odds people, were as low as 15%, with 6 months to 2 years at best if it wasn't gone. How can I not be grateful, even on the crappy days, after being gifted something so wonderful?
I know that each person has their own "demons" to deal with on a daily basis. I'm not saying any one persons problems are less than another's either. When you're in that moment of what ever personal hell that is... no one can talk you up but you.
My purpose of my post falls along the lines of, it could always be worse. Most everyone I know is struggling right now and not just financially. Sadly, financial burden tends to heavily affect our emotional states. So while you sit here reading these words, know that I'm here for you. I'm one short laugh away... for you. Always.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Infamous September 22nd & the gift of peace given to my family
Today while I work, I hear the chime of "front door." Nothing unusual there till I start to head to the front and see my mom's car in the window. I had no idea what she could be doing there and then I saw her... tear's streaming down her face. I was mortified. I knew her results were coming in soon to know if she was completely cancer free. She looked at me, eyes all red and said, "Looks like you're stuck with me. How does it feel to have a cancer free mom?" We wrapped our arms around each other and cried and cried. My aunt and my dad came in shortly behind her.
I can't believe it. I mean I kept every ounce of positive I have had left for her. I've been battling my own demons for some time but I REFUSED to let those emotions fall into her positive thoughts needed to get through this. I still feel like it didn't happen, like that was a dream. I'm sure as the days pass and she continues to grow stronger, it will sink in. She's been starting to get on me about things again. I never thought I'd say this but I'm glad she'll be around to nag me for years and years to come :o)
So after all the mushy hugs and loves, I asked her what her plans were for the day, she smiled so big and said, "We're going to Eagle Mtn. Casino!" I just laughed, it's like her own Disneyland.
What a most Wonderful day... such a gift, the gift of health, my mom, love, life, family... just magic for us.
Today while I work, I hear the chime of "front door." Nothing unusual there till I start to head to the front and see my mom's car in the window. I had no idea what she could be doing there and then I saw her... tear's streaming down her face. I was mortified. I knew her results were coming in soon to know if she was completely cancer free. She looked at me, eyes all red and said, "Looks like you're stuck with me. How does it feel to have a cancer free mom?" We wrapped our arms around each other and cried and cried. My aunt and my dad came in shortly behind her.
I can't believe it. I mean I kept every ounce of positive I have had left for her. I've been battling my own demons for some time but I REFUSED to let those emotions fall into her positive thoughts needed to get through this. I still feel like it didn't happen, like that was a dream. I'm sure as the days pass and she continues to grow stronger, it will sink in. She's been starting to get on me about things again. I never thought I'd say this but I'm glad she'll be around to nag me for years and years to come :o)
So after all the mushy hugs and loves, I asked her what her plans were for the day, she smiled so big and said, "We're going to Eagle Mtn. Casino!" I just laughed, it's like her own Disneyland.
What a most Wonderful day... such a gift, the gift of health, my mom, love, life, family... just magic for us.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Disneyland and the Halloween Gift
So after months of trying to go to Disneyland, we finally made our way to the Magic Kingdom after a short trip to LAX to drop Cristi off for her 10 day stint in Louisiana. We entered the gates right after 10:am, we stopped at Target to get some pants for Blayzz since it was much cooler than expected, then we sat in the parking lot while Tee caught up on her Facebook. I was 10 minutes from Disney and she had to "like" stuff first LOL
We had plans, Blayzz and I were heading to the lockers while Tee went to get fast passes for Space Mtn, then we were gonna meet at Indiana Jones (the direction of Haunted Mansion huge giddy girlie squeals here). Well that was a HUGE bust, the lockers were temporarily closed while a suspious bag was being checked out. We head to Indiana Jones and it's shut down temporarily... wow. Off to PotC I tried to skip it but it didn't work LOL I'm sorry, my feet were ready for HM. Love me some Pirates! Then to HM with all the Nightmare Before Christmas decorations in tact. The new gingerbread house was awesome, love the hidden Mickey spiderweb plates on the table... can we go again? lol Off to Splash Mtn... holy crap we got soaked! We zig zagged all over the park. They wanted to get on some Big Kid rides at DCA so I flew solo for awhile shopping. It was awful. I had to talk myself out of purses, I bought a super cute dress, scarf, bracelet and a few other trinkets. I tried to meet them at DCA to ride soarin' but there was a parade and I was stuck... so I shopped some more LOL
They had a special Halloween reusable bag that I HAD to have. I finally got up to the Emporium on Main street and found one there. I put all my bags in it and was happy to lug that around. My last purchase before heading to DCA was a Halloween Ghost bucket of popcorn, love it. They had them up front so I popped in a long line since as far as I could tell, that was the only cart that had them. In front of me, stood a mom and daughter. I was texting when the daughter tapped my arm asking where I got my super cute Halloween bag. *gasp* An admirer of all things Halloween! YAY :o)
She had this cute little gleam in her eye as she asked me where I got my bag. I pointed to the Emporium and her reply was a very sweet thank you. She continued to play patty cakes with her mom and asked if she could, please please have one. I'm not sure if she was autisic or which handicap she had but she was so super sweet. Her mom kindly explained to her that she had been bought lots of goodies that day and that it would give her something to look forward to the next time they came. The girl took the news very well that she would Not be going home with a Halloween bag. I had watched many kids that day have meltdowns over "I want, no you can't have it" scenarios. I'm not saying all special needs kids are prone to being over dramatic and having huge tantrums but it IS very common and that is a fact. I was VERY impressed by this girl. My guess was she was about 13-15 years old.
I stepped out of line, ran to the Emporium in hopes I could get her a bag and get back to the line before they left. I grabbed the bag, found a checker with no one in it and ran back out. They still had like 7 people in front of them. I tapped the mom on the arm, said "I think she needs to have this. I love Halloween too and I can tell she does too. Please enjoy and have a great rest of the night." I walked off to get back at the end of the line. About 5 mintues later they came back to the end of the line and the mom said, "she really wants to give you a hug and say thank you. I still can't believe you did that for her and I can't thank you enough." Those 2 hugs made Disneyland THAT much better. I couldn't stop smiling.
Remember friends: It really is about the little things...
So after months of trying to go to Disneyland, we finally made our way to the Magic Kingdom after a short trip to LAX to drop Cristi off for her 10 day stint in Louisiana. We entered the gates right after 10:am, we stopped at Target to get some pants for Blayzz since it was much cooler than expected, then we sat in the parking lot while Tee caught up on her Facebook. I was 10 minutes from Disney and she had to "like" stuff first LOL
We had plans, Blayzz and I were heading to the lockers while Tee went to get fast passes for Space Mtn, then we were gonna meet at Indiana Jones (the direction of Haunted Mansion
They had a special Halloween reusable bag that I HAD to have. I finally got up to the Emporium on Main street and found one there. I put all my bags in it and was happy to lug that around. My last purchase before heading to DCA was a Halloween Ghost bucket of popcorn, love it. They had them up front so I popped in a long line since as far as I could tell, that was the only cart that had them. In front of me, stood a mom and daughter. I was texting when the daughter tapped my arm asking where I got my super cute Halloween bag. *gasp* An admirer of all things Halloween! YAY :o)
She had this cute little gleam in her eye as she asked me where I got my bag. I pointed to the Emporium and her reply was a very sweet thank you. She continued to play patty cakes with her mom and asked if she could, please please have one. I'm not sure if she was autisic or which handicap she had but she was so super sweet. Her mom kindly explained to her that she had been bought lots of goodies that day and that it would give her something to look forward to the next time they came. The girl took the news very well that she would Not be going home with a Halloween bag. I had watched many kids that day have meltdowns over "I want, no you can't have it" scenarios. I'm not saying all special needs kids are prone to being over dramatic and having huge tantrums but it IS very common and that is a fact. I was VERY impressed by this girl. My guess was she was about 13-15 years old.
I stepped out of line, ran to the Emporium in hopes I could get her a bag and get back to the line before they left. I grabbed the bag, found a checker with no one in it and ran back out. They still had like 7 people in front of them. I tapped the mom on the arm, said "I think she needs to have this. I love Halloween too and I can tell she does too. Please enjoy and have a great rest of the night." I walked off to get back at the end of the line. About 5 mintues later they came back to the end of the line and the mom said, "she really wants to give you a hug and say thank you. I still can't believe you did that for her and I can't thank you enough." Those 2 hugs made Disneyland THAT much better. I couldn't stop smiling.
Remember friends: It really is about the little things...
Friday, September 17, 2010
Complimentary Poem - To: Me
(thank you for the amazing words dear friend)
"You are so brave, every time you make art you are brave
Every action you put out into the world is brave
Loving someone who you worry may not be capable of returning that love is brave.
You inspire the love that you want in your life and that's amazing!
And you don't even realize that you do it."
(thank you for the amazing words dear friend)
"You are so brave, every time you make art you are brave
Every action you put out into the world is brave
Loving someone who you worry may not be capable of returning that love is brave.
You inspire the love that you want in your life and that's amazing!
And you don't even realize that you do it."
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Why Communication is Key
So after my pitiful last blog, I got the "sign" I needed from the Universe. I got my glimpse, first hand, from mouth, no guessing. It was a little struggle getting there but after I figured out what was bothering me and more importantly how to correctly portray it into words, I haven't stopped smiling since.
See, that old saying "I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong." Well, once I conveyed it... she fixed it. Sometimes people don't even realize they are or are not doing something. This is why words are so important.
Smiles upon smiles, caring upon caring... yeah, that's where we lie. "Loving what we have together" some beautiful words, aren't they?
So after my pitiful last blog, I got the "sign" I needed from the Universe. I got my glimpse, first hand, from mouth, no guessing. It was a little struggle getting there but after I figured out what was bothering me and more importantly how to correctly portray it into words, I haven't stopped smiling since.
See, that old saying "I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong." Well, once I conveyed it... she fixed it. Sometimes people don't even realize they are or are not doing something. This is why words are so important.
Smiles upon smiles, caring upon caring... yeah, that's where we lie. "Loving what we have together" some beautiful words, aren't they?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Holding Back, Sitting, Wondering, Waiting... but for how long?
I had an interesting conversation today with a friend about being in an "abyss" of a relationship. It got me to thinking (big shocker, right?) about her situation, my situation, some other people's situations.
How long can one hold back how they truly feel, hoping the other person may come around? And haven't we learned that if someone isn't "in it" they probably won't ever be? What an absolutely horrible sentence to have typed. I think some more of my romantic side just died. Did I, ME, just really type that? And more importantly, leave it? I know how to test if I really believe this... music. Songs will either confirm that I'm losing faith or they will confirm that I still believe in "happily ever afters." The drive home should be interesting.
Hmm. That's all I really have, is hmm.
Updating: Later - 3:55pm
We've been swapping emails all day about the situations at hand. She showed me her "halfassed" attempt at romance and I started crying wishing for something like that... what in the what is that? I can't get outta my head that if that's her "halfassed" attempt... well SHEESH! Just in a moment I guess, she gave me some good reminders as well. Interesting day to say the least. *laughs while shaking head*
*sits back and looks around*
Dear Universe, if you could take a nanosecond to show me some more of the romantic side of people, I could REALLY use that today. Thank you.
Signed, hopeful-ish
I had an interesting conversation today with a friend about being in an "abyss" of a relationship. It got me to thinking (big shocker, right?) about her situation, my situation, some other people's situations.
How long can one hold back how they truly feel, hoping the other person may come around? And haven't we learned that if someone isn't "in it" they probably won't ever be? What an absolutely horrible sentence to have typed. I think some more of my romantic side just died. Did I, ME, just really type that? And more importantly, leave it? I know how to test if I really believe this... music. Songs will either confirm that I'm losing faith or they will confirm that I still believe in "happily ever afters." The drive home should be interesting.
Hmm. That's all I really have, is hmm.
Updating: Later - 3:55pm
We've been swapping emails all day about the situations at hand. She showed me her "halfassed" attempt at romance and I started crying wishing for something like that... what in the what is that? I can't get outta my head that if that's her "halfassed" attempt... well SHEESH! Just in a moment I guess, she gave me some good reminders as well. Interesting day to say the least. *laughs while shaking head*
*sits back and looks around*
Dear Universe, if you could take a nanosecond to show me some more of the romantic side of people, I could REALLY use that today. Thank you.
Signed, hopeful-ish
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Glimpses
As I look around, the Universe has decided to take a moment to spotlight something for me. Romanticized love acts. The ones that I fantasize about, the ones I wonder if they actually still exist, the ones that, time and time again, just seem to only occur in movies.
They are small things, almost unnoticeable if I wasn't paying attention. Today's highlight came from a Facebook blog from geocaching about people proposing at geocaches, creating some travel bugs dealing with love and just overall cuteness that makes you tilt your head and say aww. There was even a bit of warmth in my heart.
Thank you Universe, for giving me that glimpse today...
As I look around, the Universe has decided to take a moment to spotlight something for me. Romanticized love acts. The ones that I fantasize about, the ones I wonder if they actually still exist, the ones that, time and time again, just seem to only occur in movies.
They are small things, almost unnoticeable if I wasn't paying attention. Today's highlight came from a Facebook blog from geocaching about people proposing at geocaches, creating some travel bugs dealing with love and just overall cuteness that makes you tilt your head and say aww. There was even a bit of warmth in my heart.
Thank you Universe, for giving me that glimpse today...
Monday, September 06, 2010
Friday, September 03, 2010
Life
Life is filled with a lot of repeats. We find ourselves back in the same situations, time and time again, swearing from the last time we'd never be back "here" again. Thinking about this makes me think that "comfort" in a situation has a lot of pull and puts us where we think we'll be safest.
So how adventurous are we if we hold ourselves back? Hide from what we really want? Keep someone just far enough out of reach?
How do we change this cycle?
Life is filled with a lot of repeats. We find ourselves back in the same situations, time and time again, swearing from the last time we'd never be back "here" again. Thinking about this makes me think that "comfort" in a situation has a lot of pull and puts us where we think we'll be safest.
So how adventurous are we if we hold ourselves back? Hide from what we really want? Keep someone just far enough out of reach?
How do we change this cycle?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Just Out of My Grasp
I spend my days thinking of you. Wishing, waiting and wanting the chance to be called yours. We simply mesh in so many ways but that doesn't seem to be enough to make it so. I hear your words and I understand your fears but as time moves on, I wonder if you'll ever give yourself to me. I'm saddened at the idea of never being able to truly know all of you.
Days pass, time moves slowly still. I feel something... different. I know it's coming. I see you ahead. I follow you. You keep yourself at a distance. The space between seems to be growing larger and larger. I start to run, I want to be by your side. The faster I run, the further apart we become till with one misguided step I fall. The breath is knocked out of me. I lay there with tears streaming, knowing that I've lost you and for the first time in my life, I don't get up. I can't do it. I know how it feels now...
I reach my hand out to...
~Not sure how this one ends. Did I mention I hate these types of dreams?~
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Right Around the Corner
I was thinking about love, broken hearts, the unknown and here is how my romantic muse, a song and this photo inspired this story.
I sit along this light post, starring at the sky painted above. I take a sip from my apple-tini and feel it dance slowly down to my stomach. I close my eyes and take in every bit of it's flavor. A smile slowly draws itself across my face, I inhale a deep breath as I set my glass down to rest for a moment. As I reopen my eyes I see people walk past, to and fro. Some very fast, some very loud, others just strolling around. I see couples, friends, parents, children... and I begin to wonder about her.
I reach for my glass again and take a long sip, once again enjoying every flavor that is skipping across my palette. She seeps to the forefront of my thoughts. The smile she possesses, the way she opens a door for me, the way she looks at me from across a crowded room and makes me feel like I'm the only one there. We're always laughing, even at the silliest of things. Even in our serious moments we can find a way to smile. I love that about us. She reaches for my hand as many times as there are moments for her to do so. She takes me in her arms and we dance together, anywhere because the music is within us. We have just as much fun on a road trip as we do sitting next to each other on the couch. It truly doesn't matter where we are as long as we're together. People are sickened by our "cuteness." We go on long walks together, constantly talking about ideas and what's coming up next. The way she coddles over me, the way she brings things before I even realize I wanted them until they are in my hand. Constant and equal admiration toward one another. Being able to "feel" when something isn't quite right and knowing how to fix it. Passion that runs so deep and long that it could overflow every empty stream or canal in the world. A feeling of knowing that this person has gifted you their entire being, entrusted you with their very soul... this, this is what I long for.
As he says... "I just haven't met you yet."Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Hope I never stop...
I have such a run and jump with both feet attitude. I will push and shove and find my way through with such determination. I will give everything I can. I will talk till I'm blue in the face. I will use my words with such fierceness and conviction, lawyers would be impressed. When I believe in something, I want everyone around me to believe it. I mean, if it's so obvious to me, why can't it be to someone else? Why? Why? Why?
*I'm shaking my head repeating "Why?" like 100 times, no joke*
So the downfall, if I were a pessimist, is that sometimes when I land, it's unfortunate that it's flat on my face or my ass. I have to wonder as years pass and more failures happen (because I'm realistic, not a pessimist) am I going to start to lose that child-like enthusiasm? Am I going to stumble my way through something awkwardly or not at all?
Goodness, I certainly hope not. I hope I can remember those few FANTASTIC moments that have occurred in my life when it did pay off. That I'm glad I went for it. I'll keep hope because that's what I do. I don't want to walk anywhere else, I like my path of hope. I just can't help but hope for someone to share that walk with some day...
I have such a run and jump with both feet attitude. I will push and shove and find my way through with such determination. I will give everything I can. I will talk till I'm blue in the face. I will use my words with such fierceness and conviction, lawyers would be impressed. When I believe in something, I want everyone around me to believe it. I mean, if it's so obvious to me, why can't it be to someone else? Why? Why? Why?
*I'm shaking my head repeating "Why?" like 100 times, no joke*
So the downfall, if I were a pessimist, is that sometimes when I land, it's unfortunate that it's flat on my face or my ass. I have to wonder as years pass and more failures happen (because I'm realistic, not a pessimist) am I going to start to lose that child-like enthusiasm? Am I going to stumble my way through something awkwardly or not at all?
Goodness, I certainly hope not. I hope I can remember those few FANTASTIC moments that have occurred in my life when it did pay off. That I'm glad I went for it. I'll keep hope because that's what I do. I don't want to walk anywhere else, I like my path of hope. I just can't help but hope for someone to share that walk with some day...
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Romanticized + Me = Story Line
I know I have a very skewed vision of what I think love should be. I watch movies and think, "yeah, it should be like that. It should have a happy ending." I wish for it, I dream about it, I long for it...
I want someone to fight for me. I want someone to want me as strongly as I want them. I want to not just be in love but be able to feel that love to the very depth, in every part of my body. I wonder why it has to be so hard. I know those cliches of "anything worth having isn't easy" or "the foundation of a strong relationship is the toughest to build, then it just flows upwards naturally." Right now though, I'm so wanting to throw my hands up and scream at the universe. Scream until there isn't an inkling of sound left in me.
I've always been told, "if you want something, go get it." I can honestly say, you can't make someone 'want' you in such in a way. When you start using your wishes from falling stars, when you're asking the universe to step in... you may need to look at what you're asking for. You're asking for forces of nature to assist you in making someone want you. So in essence, that still isn't what you want really want at all. I would like to not have to ask for it or tell someone, I just want them to know... like I do. :::sigh::: Believe me I know this is something I'll write about. Some conversations as of late with a friend have brought a lot of emotions, thoughts and realizations to the surface. We've been doing a lot of brainstorming off one another for poems and plots. A majority of this blog is going to rock a few of my characters.
What an interesting cycle. Love. Such a small word. It means so many different things from one person to the next. What does it mean to you?
I know I have a very skewed vision of what I think love should be. I watch movies and think, "yeah, it should be like that. It should have a happy ending." I wish for it, I dream about it, I long for it...
I want someone to fight for me. I want someone to want me as strongly as I want them. I want to not just be in love but be able to feel that love to the very depth, in every part of my body. I wonder why it has to be so hard. I know those cliches of "anything worth having isn't easy" or "the foundation of a strong relationship is the toughest to build, then it just flows upwards naturally." Right now though, I'm so wanting to throw my hands up and scream at the universe. Scream until there isn't an inkling of sound left in me.
I've always been told, "if you want something, go get it." I can honestly say, you can't make someone 'want' you in such in a way. When you start using your wishes from falling stars, when you're asking the universe to step in... you may need to look at what you're asking for. You're asking for forces of nature to assist you in making someone want you. So in essence, that still isn't what you want really want at all. I would like to not have to ask for it or tell someone, I just want them to know... like I do. :::sigh::: Believe me I know this is something I'll write about. Some conversations as of late with a friend have brought a lot of emotions, thoughts and realizations to the surface. We've been doing a lot of brainstorming off one another for poems and plots. A majority of this blog is going to rock a few of my characters.
What an interesting cycle. Love. Such a small word. It means so many different things from one person to the next. What does it mean to you?
Monday, August 09, 2010
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
If not now maybe try again
~So fixated on one person who truly isn't 'fighting' for you the way you romanticize about and with for but still you keep trying because that's what you do.~
~as relationships come up and then end, you wonder if all the while, all the work you put toward making things work with this unsuited person, did you miss someone who would have fought for you but respected where you were or the fact that a 2nd glance was never given to move forward~
~the notion that if the universe knows you are suppose to be with this person that they will give you another opportunity when you are better prepared and ready to give that glance, the one you see you in movies and long for so desperately~
~the idea that the universe really is on your side and will bring you that person when they truly see fit but if you're too dang stubborn and blow it, maybe you just reset the stars to offset future relationships~
Interjecting: I never thought about being given a 2nd chance on a missed opportunity, that is blowing my mind right now.
Nicely done Nadia! I can't wait to tackle this one.
~So fixated on one person who truly isn't 'fighting' for you the way you romanticize about and with for but still you keep trying because that's what you do.~
~as relationships come up and then end, you wonder if all the while, all the work you put toward making things work with this unsuited person, did you miss someone who would have fought for you but respected where you were or the fact that a 2nd glance was never given to move forward~
~the notion that if the universe knows you are suppose to be with this person that they will give you another opportunity when you are better prepared and ready to give that glance, the one you see you in movies and long for so desperately~
~the idea that the universe really is on your side and will bring you that person when they truly see fit but if you're too dang stubborn and blow it, maybe you just reset the stars to offset future relationships~
Interjecting: I never thought about being given a 2nd chance on a missed opportunity, that is blowing my mind right now.
Nicely done Nadia! I can't wait to tackle this one.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Riddle Me This: Art List Style
So I have a lot I would like to accomplish. I've decided this blog will be about what I need to finish in the coming weeks with deadlines and such. I will tag this so I can reference it as it moves down the list. Wish me luck and Watch me do it!
Caffeine Supreme - Set up some paintings & VOW's prints: August 7th 9:am-2:pm (maybe)
Vessels - Bakersfield Museum of Art Drop: August 9th & 10 9:am- 4:pm
Kern County Fair - Entry Forms Due: August 13th
Aluminum Heart - San Joaquin Valley Hospital 100th Gala Event Due: August 13th
Bicycles as Transportation - Kern Transportation Due: ???
Kern Valley Festival - Due: ???
Kern County Fair Photos Due: September 14th
Kern County Fair Baked Stuff Due: Still not sure I'm up for this, we'll see.
Burn the Witch VI/Spotlight Theater Drop: Nov. 1st (Opening Nov. 6th)
Oildorado - Octoberish
Theme, Open - Juliana's Art Studio/B.E.C.A. Group Show Drop: TBD (Opening Oct. 16th)
Opposites - Micro Gallery Drop: December 10
Color Me Mine Projects on Hold:
~Cess Platter
~Sunset/Night Bank
~Gnome
Glass Projects on Hold:
~Dark Tinted Vase
~2 mini wine bottles
~1 regular wine bottle for Adam
~1 glass jar
Misc. Tree other paintings...
*phew*!!!
So I have a lot I would like to accomplish. I've decided this blog will be about what I need to finish in the coming weeks with deadlines and such. I will tag this so I can reference it as it moves down the list. Wish me luck and Watch me do it!
Caffeine Supreme - Set up some paintings & VOW's prints: August 7th 9:am-2:pm (maybe)
Vessels - Bakersfield Museum of Art Drop: August 9th & 10 9:am- 4:pm
Kern County Fair - Entry Forms Due: August 13th
Aluminum Heart - San Joaquin Valley Hospital 100th Gala Event Due: August 13th
Bicycles as Transportation - Kern Transportation Due: ???
Kern Valley Festival - Due: ???
Kern County Fair Photos Due: September 14th
Kern County Fair Baked Stuff Due: Still not sure I'm up for this, we'll see.
Burn the Witch VI/Spotlight Theater Drop: Nov. 1st (Opening Nov. 6th)
Oildorado - Octoberish
Theme, Open - Juliana's Art Studio/B.E.C.A. Group Show Drop: TBD (Opening Oct. 16th)
Opposites - Micro Gallery Drop: December 10
Color Me Mine Projects on Hold:
~Cess Platter
~Sunset/Night Bank
~Gnome
Glass Projects on Hold:
~Dark Tinted Vase
~2 mini wine bottles
~1 regular wine bottle for Adam
~1 glass jar
Misc. Tree other paintings...
*phew*!!!
The Fluttering that Ensues & First Kisses
So I'm sitting at work (big surprise) and taking care of some billing. I'm multi-tasking on Facebook as well. <-- another big surprise. Anywhoodle, for what ever reason I start reminiscing first kisses, well, truth be told, one in particular.
We were standing there and kept having those "long look into my eyes" moments. Then the awkward smile and a quick change of subject. We went round and round this way for quite some time. She finally looked at me and put her hand in mine and said, "I want to kiss you but I want it to be just right and I don't think tonight is the night."
I smiled, a little bummed but completely understanding about it wanting to be just right. She asked me what I thought about that and I simply replied, "I'm always so nervous about the 1st kiss, it tells so much and I always over think it... " by this point I'm rambling. She smiled so cutely at me and before I knew it, she picked up my hand to her lips, kissed it (you can't see this but I'm looking at the spot on my left hand right now) and said, "There. Now we've had our 1st kiss."
One of the sweetest things ever... it was soft and sweet and as sincere as a gentlemyn opening a door for a lady. Quite unforgettable indeed. I thank you for that 1st kiss. I'll always keep that one close.
So I'm sitting at work (big surprise) and taking care of some billing. I'm multi-tasking on Facebook as well. <-- another big surprise. Anywhoodle, for what ever reason I start reminiscing first kisses, well, truth be told, one in particular.
We were standing there and kept having those "long look into my eyes" moments. Then the awkward smile and a quick change of subject. We went round and round this way for quite some time. She finally looked at me and put her hand in mine and said, "I want to kiss you but I want it to be just right and I don't think tonight is the night."
I smiled, a little bummed but completely understanding about it wanting to be just right. She asked me what I thought about that and I simply replied, "I'm always so nervous about the 1st kiss, it tells so much and I always over think it... " by this point I'm rambling. She smiled so cutely at me and before I knew it, she picked up my hand to her lips, kissed it (you can't see this but I'm looking at the spot on my left hand right now) and said, "There. Now we've had our 1st kiss."
One of the sweetest things ever... it was soft and sweet and as sincere as a gentlemyn opening a door for a lady. Quite unforgettable indeed. I thank you for that 1st kiss. I'll always keep that one close.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
"When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way,
implicitly and unquestionable."
I read this, and it struck something in me. I'm sure this is part of the pain I'm feeling right now. The pain of someone close to you going away. I've been spoiled by our closeness and as it seems odd that it will be gone for a time being, I have to remember, it's not permanent. I think somewhere in my thinking, I forgot that one single fact. Also, it's not forever.I will be left to my artistic devices, my creative flow, my ability to set up "my way." I'm beginning to wonder if 30 days will be long enough to get everything done that I want. *laughs and smiles quite a lot at the idea of this*
I believe in something, implicitly and unquestioning... it's a nice feeling, I'm going to hold this close on the 'tough' days. They can't all be hearts & rainbow sprinkles but I'm ready to try :o)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
NanoWriMo Facebook Challenge
I love this idea of this challenge. Today they put out a mini challenge. It was fun. All you had to do was click on the Random.com link to generate a random number from 1-100. Then you had to post a story with the number given. I was given 8. Here was my story:
"The beginning. Words in the middle. The End."
It just popped right into my head. I'm kind of in love with it. AND people keep clicking the "Like" button on it which is wicked cool.
I love this idea of this challenge. Today they put out a mini challenge. It was fun. All you had to do was click on the Random.com link to generate a random number from 1-100. Then you had to post a story with the number given. I was given 8. Here was my story:
"The beginning. Words in the middle. The End."
It just popped right into my head. I'm kind of in love with it. AND people keep clicking the "Like" button on it which is wicked cool.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
And she said to me in the smallest of voices, "Please keep me."
My heart literally skipped a beat and melted all in one swoop. My response was led with a smile and the words that escaped my lips to reassure her, "As long as you'll let me." A kiss to seal it and make me fall just a little more for her.
My hand went naturally on top of her heart and lightly started to pitter-pat, pitter pat. Feelings are running deep, deeper than even I realized.
~exert from: Double Crossing
My heart literally skipped a beat and melted all in one swoop. My response was led with a smile and the words that escaped my lips to reassure her, "As long as you'll let me." A kiss to seal it and make me fall just a little more for her.
My hand went naturally on top of her heart and lightly started to pitter-pat, pitter pat. Feelings are running deep, deeper than even I realized.
~exert from: Double Crossing
Monday, July 12, 2010
Heart Strings
My mom called me just a little while ago. I haven't seen her in over a week. I've been tired and working a lot. I was further behind on my job then even I truly realized. My thoughts that I was getting close to being caught up were quite false. I had piles of back work in different places. Much of it just takes time, time that I don't really have. Each day I have a plan but that basically gets blown to bits within about 2 hours of arriving at work. There is just a multitude of things going on around here and even though I had a very gracious reprieve with all things that went on with my mom... well that reprieve is gone now. Now I need to deal with all things that have been put off. I don't mind doing it, don't get me wrong. These guys have done SOOO much for me over the years, it's truly amazing. I am ready to step up now that my head is back on straight and get this all fixed. The problem is my sanity. I have to let go of all the fun stuff to get this stuff done. I feel like I'm starting to fail my friends and I don't like that at all. I miss having fun and not feeling guilty about it. Hopefully, that last incident on Saturday night will be the last mishap of that kind.
So topic at hand, my mom. She called to see how I was doing. She knew I was busy and said she misses me a lot. *insert tears here* However, at the same time, she said it can be hard to see me because she feels like she isn't who I need her to be anymore. *insert most horrible feeling ever* If in any way I've conveyed a look of sadness toward her, well that feels so unforgivable. Yeah, it's hard to see her so feeble but she isn't a failure to me. I don't hold any ill feelings to her. *hangs head*
So far, it's a rough start to another week. I do NOT want a repeat of last week. I mean I had some amazing pick me ups. Teri, you absolutely saved me so many times, I can't even imagine how much worse it could've been if you hadn't been naturally, wonderful you. I'm enjoying getting to know you. Thank you, once again. I feel like I should have a blinking neon sign that just says Thank You over and over.
My mom invited me to dinner tomorrow night. She said "I'd really like to see you. I know you're really busy and I'll understand if you can't but if you can find some time, that would be great." *sinking, awful feeling here* If I can find time for my mom (family)? Where the F*#& have my priorties gone? I've become way too obsessed with work. I forgot how to "leave it at the office." That will change, starting today.
*jumps at Balance* I'm on it. Gonna find a good place to be again, I miss it and I'm looking forward to walking it, side by side this time...
My mom called me just a little while ago. I haven't seen her in over a week. I've been tired and working a lot. I was further behind on my job then even I truly realized. My thoughts that I was getting close to being caught up were quite false. I had piles of back work in different places. Much of it just takes time, time that I don't really have. Each day I have a plan but that basically gets blown to bits within about 2 hours of arriving at work. There is just a multitude of things going on around here and even though I had a very gracious reprieve with all things that went on with my mom... well that reprieve is gone now. Now I need to deal with all things that have been put off. I don't mind doing it, don't get me wrong. These guys have done SOOO much for me over the years, it's truly amazing. I am ready to step up now that my head is back on straight and get this all fixed. The problem is my sanity. I have to let go of all the fun stuff to get this stuff done. I feel like I'm starting to fail my friends and I don't like that at all. I miss having fun and not feeling guilty about it. Hopefully, that last incident on Saturday night will be the last mishap of that kind.
So topic at hand, my mom. She called to see how I was doing. She knew I was busy and said she misses me a lot. *insert tears here* However, at the same time, she said it can be hard to see me because she feels like she isn't who I need her to be anymore. *insert most horrible feeling ever* If in any way I've conveyed a look of sadness toward her, well that feels so unforgivable. Yeah, it's hard to see her so feeble but she isn't a failure to me. I don't hold any ill feelings to her. *hangs head*
So far, it's a rough start to another week. I do NOT want a repeat of last week. I mean I had some amazing pick me ups. Teri, you absolutely saved me so many times, I can't even imagine how much worse it could've been if you hadn't been naturally, wonderful you. I'm enjoying getting to know you. Thank you, once again. I feel like I should have a blinking neon sign that just says Thank You over and over.
My mom invited me to dinner tomorrow night. She said "I'd really like to see you. I know you're really busy and I'll understand if you can't but if you can find some time, that would be great." *sinking, awful feeling here* If I can find time for my mom (family)? Where the F*#& have my priorties gone? I've become way too obsessed with work. I forgot how to "leave it at the office." That will change, starting today.
*jumps at Balance* I'm on it. Gonna find a good place to be again, I miss it and I'm looking forward to walking it, side by side this time...
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Monday, July 05, 2010
A New 4th of July
I know the only constant in life is change. It's a hard but true fact. I've been spoiled for 32 years of a constant. I say I embrace change and doing things outside of my box but I'm beginning to see that I only did that on a light level. My mom has always made sure that no holiday goes unnoticed and without some kind of party. 4th of July is the first of these trials. There wasn't the 30+ family, pool party, gaming extravaganza that usually would occur. My mom wanted nothing. She is on an up but still not ready for something of that magnitude. My bestie and my God-daughter were also not here... life just caught up with them and I won't see them till Christmas, hopefully. I'm going to try to get out there in the fall, I'm dying inside a little without K.C. I miss her terribly and even though we pick up the phone more, I really do miss her being a short drive away...
Tee's family has adopted me whole-heartily and it still amazes me. It's such a great feeling to feel so welcome. Her sister and b/f made some amazing food. It always feels so good to be within their presence. I love the teasing, the smiles and the stories. I'm blessed by them over and over. Playing Scene it and winning by a spread of 50,000 points with Tee as my partner wasn't too bad either *giggles* Desserts were shared and it was just an overall great time.
There was still this little part of me that wonders if holidays will ever be the same again. Not that I don't appreciate or absolutely love where I was because I did (reread above if you think otherwise). I'm wondering about the holiday of all holidays though... the one thing I've counted on since I was 10. I knew this year would be different anyway with friends having gone separate ways but the idea of the night before All-Hallows-Eve not occurring almost makes me not look forward to my pride of every year... Halloween. The night before is just as pivotal as the actual night itself. There is this tiny part of me that prays with everything I have that she'll still want that day... please oh please, let her want that day again... because if anything could truly break my heart, her saying she can't do it anymore, would definitely be the thing that would do it. The planning we do, the laughs we share, the memories I thrive on making... would be no more. I'm sitting here in tears at the very idea of that not happening... I have to stop for now.
I know the only constant in life is change. It's a hard but true fact. I've been spoiled for 32 years of a constant. I say I embrace change and doing things outside of my box but I'm beginning to see that I only did that on a light level. My mom has always made sure that no holiday goes unnoticed and without some kind of party. 4th of July is the first of these trials. There wasn't the 30+ family, pool party, gaming extravaganza that usually would occur. My mom wanted nothing. She is on an up but still not ready for something of that magnitude. My bestie and my God-daughter were also not here... life just caught up with them and I won't see them till Christmas, hopefully. I'm going to try to get out there in the fall, I'm dying inside a little without K.C. I miss her terribly and even though we pick up the phone more, I really do miss her being a short drive away...
Tee's family has adopted me whole-heartily and it still amazes me. It's such a great feeling to feel so welcome. Her sister and b/f made some amazing food. It always feels so good to be within their presence. I love the teasing, the smiles and the stories. I'm blessed by them over and over. Playing Scene it and winning by a spread of 50,000 points with Tee as my partner wasn't too bad either *giggles* Desserts were shared and it was just an overall great time.
There was still this little part of me that wonders if holidays will ever be the same again. Not that I don't appreciate or absolutely love where I was because I did (reread above if you think otherwise). I'm wondering about the holiday of all holidays though... the one thing I've counted on since I was 10. I knew this year would be different anyway with friends having gone separate ways but the idea of the night before All-Hallows-Eve not occurring almost makes me not look forward to my pride of every year... Halloween. The night before is just as pivotal as the actual night itself. There is this tiny part of me that prays with everything I have that she'll still want that day... please oh please, let her want that day again... because if anything could truly break my heart, her saying she can't do it anymore, would definitely be the thing that would do it. The planning we do, the laughs we share, the memories I thrive on making... would be no more. I'm sitting here in tears at the very idea of that not happening... I have to stop for now.
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Controlled Cancer
This is what it's called for the 3 months after you finish your treatments of Chemo and Radiation. Today marks the last day of radiation till September. She will be tested again, then we get to call it remission :o)
I wanted to blog my FB post to keep in memory. I didn't blog very much as far as all that we went through. I won't need to recall posts for the feelings I've had. I won't forget them ever. I have learned a lot and am set on a very good path now. I do need to walk lightly because right now I'm feeling unstoppable and that can be a recipe for disaster.
Mommie, you should be finishing your last radiation right now... I ♥ You.
:::deep, loving sigh:::
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
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