6 Word Story:
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
"Uneven balance of strength and peace"
photo by Teri Webb
I like to write. I've taken a few classes but dabble mostly on my own time. My mind is either going to help me get it down correctly or it's not. I can't force it and usually what comes out pleases me. One of my personal favs for writing exercises is to take a pic and write about it. Poem, story, some dialogue, whatever is inspired. My Tee took this pic and I have an affliction for things of a darker nature. I couldn't help but notice how much more darke there was in this photo than light, so here is how that came to be...
The sky faeries were quite busy today prepping the sky for the night yet to come. The thought being the reflections of the sunset would place some fantastic pinks, oranges and reds on the clouds. Of course, the sky sprites had other ideas, looming, darke ideas. The faeries love to start at the top or mid sky and work their way down. The notion being that if they begin their work upwards then toward the ground, once they finish, they can lay in the grass or the trees and admire their work.
Madalyne gathered her friends and off they went, wands in hands, transforming the sky with swashes of white, like a paint roller, leaving bits of blue to peak through. The faeries were in great form tonight, leaving stair looking clouds, bridges, of course cloud animals for those creative enough to take the time and find them and so many great splashes of white it was hard to decide which way to look. They finished up and napped in the trees with the wind swaying them to sleep while they waited for the decent of the sun.
Emily grabbed her friends and so began the counter to Madalyne & the other faeries hard work. Working upwards, the sprites took their wands and like giant erasures, started covering and masking the white clouds. The time they had to undo all that had been done is short and covering up everything isn't their prime motive. They just like to add some extra flair. The thought being that not everything is so pretty and rosy all the time, nothing wrong with a little darke to shadow the light. A few extra strokes into the white and they were done. Now they fly to the sides to watch the faeries reaction as they awake from their nap.
Natalye noticed it first and screamed, awaking all the other faeries.
"THEY did it AGAIN, Madalyne!" she screeched as she noticed her duckie had been covered up with a darke grey blob.
"Natalye, we know they do this almost everyday. You know that this is the bidding of the sprites and that we must enjoy the act of what we do and not the actual outcome when the sun finally kisses whatever is left of our work, that is only ever a bonus and should not be counted upon to give us self satisfaction." Madalyne said with the most gentleness a voice could offer.
Natalye is still very new and takes the bidding of the sprites so very personal but deep inside she knew Madalyne was right and let a little smile creep across her face. Madalyne is so good at soothing her. The faeries gathered around watching as the hues of the sunset start to bounce and touch what was left. The sprites watched from afar, scowling at the ease of the attitudes from the faeries.
"Nothing bothers them and if it does, that Madalyne always fixes it!" One of the sprites growled.
"Do not worry, Madalyne won't be around forever... there will come a time when the faeries will give up and the skies will sing only of darkeness and grey clouds. For now, we carry on waiting for our moment," said Emily in a low, raspy voice.
Emily was more right then she knew at that moment, Madalyne's time as Head Goddess of the Faeries would soon come to an end...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
I'm Pathetic
Cancer Diaries: Session (Week 2) of Radiation/Chemo/Iron Infusion
Typing those words above, make me wince and want to punch things. I decided to take the day off to spend it with my mom on her BIG day. Every Thursday she has to get her Chemo pack switched out, Radiation (well that is daily) and an Iron Infusion (which she is now done with, well for this minute). She also meets with 2 of her doctors and gets her prescriptions reanalyzed. It's a big day basically.
I want/need to be apart of what is going on so I wanted to tag along. I go into things with such an open mind. I try to not think the worst and keep hope at the forefront of my thoughts. I arrived to find her already getting her Iron Infusion and resting. Most people have good spirits and it's comforting to see. My mom is still and I'm sure will be for a very long time, in an adjustment period. Her moods are low and I can't say I blame her but it very out of character for her at the same time. I'm her apple and any of you know how stubborn, determined and tunnel visioned I can be when I have my mind set on something. I can command a room or sit in a corner to observe. I don't ask for help, I am asked upon by others for help. I have drive, a will to fight and an ability to love so very deep and with such passion it almost hurts at times. These qualities my mom possesses and has bestowed and blessed me with almost seem now like they were passed off to me and not so much handed down now.
I watch her. A lot. I see her but it's not her. This woman is quiet, soft spoken, weakened and at times, very lifeless. I understand that this process is ridiculously tough. More than ever now, I've seen how it's dug in and reduced my mom to the shell that she sits in currently. I want my mom back. I have to wonder if she will every really be back. I can tell myself "someday" but there is this inkling of doubt in me that really wonders if someday will ever come. I'm tucking that thought away, far, far away. I refuse to let it consume me and push hope aside.
As she walked through the building yesterday and saw the other people going through their treatment, she looked at my aunt and said,
"I wish I was strong like them. I'm pathetic."
My aunt looked at her and said, "WHAT did you JUST say?"
My mom repeated it again and I knew my aunt just wanted to unleash on her. In a calmer voice than she wanted but still quite stern, she replied," You CAN and ARE just as strong as anyone else here. You ARE NOT PATHETIC and don't ever say that again."
My mom just sat there quietly.
Now even at this moment, I'm crying. To feel so defeated, so low, so helpless... that you could utter those words with such intent behind them. *shakes head* I knew that it would get worse but that small voice she speaks with now... ~speechless~
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Long Beach Pride
I'm still amazed at the entire weekend. Roomie's sis' is an amazing person, her generosity would make any person speechless and left with a sense of awe. There is a more specific thing that happened though, she reminded me what it was like to smile again and not feel guilty about it. I laugh a lot, I put on a great front, hell before said illness with my mom, I was the poster child for turning ANY situation positive. Some times, I even annoyed myself with it.
My giggles, my smiles come with a cost now. Guilt. Not that anyone has imposed this on me, this is purely self-inflicted. Afterall, we are our own worst enemy. I laugh for this minute but it's always just a matter of time before my mind travels to my moms side and knows that she is battling something at that very moment; nausea, vomiting, trying to eat actual food, walking... you get the idea. So how dare I enjoy myself or laugh when she is going through a life-changing fight for her life? HOW?
I was introduced to Segways this weekend. I have to say, if I owned one of those, I'd probably never walk or run again. They are amazingly fun and are better than driving. Riding them along the beach was fantastic, the fresh salty wind blowing in my face, surrounded by great company and listening to my iPod in one ear. Somewhere in that moment I realized that the world really does keep spinning even though you might be at a place where your feet feel cemented to the ground. AND as the world keeps moving, you really need to too, if you don't, you've stopped living life and what a waste that is.
So I was given more than just an awesome weekend out of town, I was given some of what makes me, well me back. To that, I'm grateful beyond words. But, Thank You none the less...
Here is what mused from you CS:
We must keep breathing,
even when it hurts.
We must keep moving,
even when we want to lay down
We must keep smiling,
even when we just want to cry.
We must keep giving our all,
even when we want to quit.
We must keep talking
even when we want to bury it deep inside.
We must stay strong, not just for ourselves but also for those around us,
even when ignoring what is happening appears easier.
We must keep loving,
even when staying alone seems safer.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Jumbled Thoughts
*This one is going to need a clause on it. It's going to have a lot of random sentences, some may make sense and others may be complete non-sense. This is very much a journal entry and to serve as a reminder for me. No, I don't want to discuss it. Thank you.*
I'm learning more and more about myself and how 'fucked' up my minds inner workings are. I wish myself luck on this... I don't want to ever be called out again like that.
Ever get kicked in the stomach from across the room without even being physically touched? I think it hurts more than actually being kicked in the stomach with an actual foot.
When does taking care of me, my needs and desires step over the line into selfishness beyond all belief? Some people tell you to take care of yourself, do what's right for you... but how far can that go before other people call you a selfish, inconsiderate bitch? Perception... it's like relativity, different from one person to the next and their views on the world.
Good enough for that but not good enough for the binding part. I still can't wrap my mind around all of it. I don't think I'm capable of understanding it at the juncture, at this moment now, it's very consuming and I have another focus right now. A few actually, I let my UnDoing take over too long, not sure of the true damage done but the next couple weeks will tell me.
I've been in Wonderland too long, time to crawl back up that hole and figure out what is real again.
Harmony & Balance ---find me, please.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
17 hours of Work; Awake for 40.5 hours total
With all the happenings with my mom and her extended stay at the hospital, I missed a lot of work in March and April. Then I decided to get sick and missed some days for that as well. Lack of drive and a few weeks later and I was severely behind at work. A lot of patience from my bosses which is nice but for my sanity I really needed to get caught up and back on a good, solid schedule. Enter my decision for Monday night. I decided to come in around 8 or 9:pm and work till midnight or 1:am. I'm usually up that late anyway, why the hell not?
So got here around 9, got set up and laid some stuff out. I put everything down on a dry erase board which really put it into perspective and also put a really big "I'm fucked" face on for me. 20 tasks ahead of me, so with my best Super Mario voice, "Here we GO!"
Somewhere about 2:30am I decided I was wide ass awake and on a roll. I still had a TON to do, I think I only had like 6 tasks knocked off my list at that point. I was finishing up my 3rd energy drink and decided I should go get some food and more energy drinks if I planned on making it an all nighter. Jack n the Box and AM/PM rock is all I have to say. I was workin' along but around 4:30am I got pretty tired, so I napped for about 20ish minutes, woke up and decided to clean out some stuff to help wake me up. Totally worked. Same thing happened around 7:am. but by this time I had 12 tasks knocked off my board.
I kept working along and decided billing would have to wait because I was in no way in a good mindset to be working with thousands of cash monies. I just had to wait for a couple special samples to come in and then I was outta here. So I worked Monday from 7:30am to 4:30pm, then 9:pm (Monday night) till 2:30pm Tuesday. I had such a piece of mind walking out of work, it was awesome!
I headed toward home and decided I wanted to tan and take a mini nap. So I did, slept right through the whole thing and for 10 minutes after it turned off, I might have been tired. LOL I headed home and felt a lot better. I decided to make some seafood enchiladas and mini oreo cheesecakes for a friend. Yes, I know I'm crazy but being in the kitchen is such a comfort for me and makes me so smiley face.
Finished that up, cleaned up my mess and sat in the office trying to figure out what to do next. I played around online for a bit and couldn't stop thinking about cameras. My dad called and mom is doing mega worlds better now that she's sleeping *HUGE SMILES* YAY MOMMA!
Finally took a shower with my new scrubs (super soothing btw) and relaxed into my p.j.'s. Trying and trying to get tired. I felt really relaxed but I couldn't stop reading specs on the D90, D3000 and D5000. My dad gave me the "all clear" to get which ever one I wanted. Decided to crawl into bed about 10:30 and watch TV. Closed my eyes, opened my eyes, closed my eyes... this went on for awhile but I think around midnight I finally got into a spot and fell a sleep. I woke up stiff and with one helluva headache! Can you say caffeine hangover? I knew you could... fuck me sideways that hurt...
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Friday, May 07, 2010
Where are you going?
I was proposed with an interesting question the other night from a friend. She asked me, "Where are you going with love?" I have to admit, for one of the few times in my life I was speechless. I opened and closed my mouth like a fish breathing. I really had nothing. I had 9 million ways to Tuesday to explain it, until actually asked it aloud, then suddenly, blank.
The funny part of the happenings in my head were that it lead me to one of my favorite DMB songs and at THAT moment, I finally understood what that song meant. I had a meaning for myself but now it had all changed and this song became even more special to me.
"But I do know one thing, that's where you are is where I belong. I do know where you go, is where I want to be. Where are you going?"
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Respecting What is Asked
I really am putting forth an effort to take care of things in a way that best suits me and the people who choose to be involved in the happenings of my everyday life. I am watching my mom go through the battle of her life, literally. Her situation has put a lot of things into perspective for me. Too little, too late some may say, to those of you who say that... maybe it best we go our separate ways. We'll always have the memories and for that I can smile for this moment and I thank you for what you have shown me. I can't have the past hung over my head for the rest of my life, that will hinder my growth and life is too short to have that kind of feeling lingering around. You are entitled to your feelings, I would never deny you of that. I can only respect your feelings and we agree to disagree.
I do not want pity. I get enough of those 'tilted-head' looks as it is. I just need understanding people in my life and for what ever reason, the universe has given me some amazing people these past few weeks. I didn't ask, there they were/are, just like that. Those days when I just want to curl up and give in, well they are becoming fewer and farther between. I know the battle is long from over but at least I'm trying.
Multiple parties have asked me to do things for their sake and I think I have handled each one of you the best way I can with what I have going on. I understand that some of you don't agree with my methods as of late but know that I am responding to people who have approached me. I am doing my best. That may not be good enough for you and I'm sorry for that. I really truly am. I've been carrying anger and I haven't done that in years. I realized it yesterday and it made me sad, really sad. I can't do that. I refuse to be THAT girl again. I have enough on my plate and adding angry girl isn't going to make any of it easier.
Just know that I love each of you and I'm here but I'm respecting the bounds that have been set by some of you, either from lack of communication, emails, texts, etc.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Half Empty Quote
I saw this and did a very sarcastic laugh. I know someone going through quite the opposite of this and I can't get over the irony of it all.
I have to say it seems more like this for her lately:
"The whole world seems to be coming in when people I thought were my friends have checked out." ~Keep your head up~
The Shell
Cancer Diaries - Still adjusting; her-feeding tube, me-seeing her
So I haven't been able to see my mom for about 2 weeks. I've been sick with this fantastic cold but even better, a cough. That pretty much put me blocked from seeing my mom at all. I call to check in but with the past conversations and lack of 'complete' information, I do have to wonder how accurate the information is. I've been told she is doing better. She is home now and learning how to function. My dad, aunt and cousin are at her beck and call. Oddly enough, she is VERY good about asking for every little thing and they happily run around for her.
She was having some problems with vomiting the day before so when she went to the doctor yesterday they gave her a shot to help ease with the digestion and nausea. The side effect was Zombie-esque mom last night. I was on my way in from Taft visiting a friend and decided that I was clear enough to stop by and see her. As she was happy to see me, it took her a bit to realize I was there. I got updates while we sat around the living room.
She doesn't look as good as they described or how I imagined her in my head. I'm not saying she's not better but she is a shell of the mom I know and that makes me want to vomit. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. This woman who was strong, assertive, ass-kicking, stubborn as the day is long, determined, carried the weight of everyone in her life... is now this tiny, shell of a woman that only seems to exist in my head. It's as if I imagined her as a character in one of my stories. She's down about 17lbs now, watching her at 161 is weird. I've NEVER seen her under 175 before so that adds to the frail stature she has now become.
I think my being sick gave me an out about not having to deal with seeing her day to day and I'm yet again, left to play "catch up" with my feelings and dealings with what is going on. I went to gym afterwards and I could feel it all creeping in. The sadness, oooh this one wasn't going to hide for very long. I drove around for a little while after gym to try to get some air. Breathing wasn't so simple as in and out. Every breath had her name on it. I was feeling everything that I had missed these past 2 weeks and it hurt.
I got home with the intention of writing this to help me process but that didn't work out. Tee got home right before I did and in her wonderful, caring fashion, her concern and questions brought it all right to the surface. I was forced to run out of the office and into the shower to sob alone. I don't think I was in there very long but it felt like hours. I came out, still with the intention of writing this but when she walked up behind me to hug me, I lost it, again. Strange how the touch of another can make you weep without a second thought. I guess I wasn't as done crying as I thought. I'm just glad it did all make its way out.
It's going to get harder before it gets easier. I'm not going to fool myself otherwise.
Monday, May 03, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Not Going There
I am really having a stressful day at work. It's okay though because I am thankful to have my job when it comes down to it. I just need to get caught back up. I'm close but with boys trying to get me to do stupid tasks, calls with extra work, calls because of lost reports (on their end, not mine) and other trivial things, it makes it hard to actually get caught up. So I'm not going to 'go there' and be pissed because really? Why waste ALL that energy? There is one thing that is keeping me treading along. A thought...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Honesty
So I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do this morning. I told the truth. I had a conversation with a great friend last night, she reminded me of a value I had most certainly lost. She did it without even realizing she did it, that was the beauty of it actually. I went home and did a lot of thinking. I woke up doing more and decided I wanted to keep my value in tact.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Recent Blow
I found out today that a gaming friend died last week. I mean what the fuck? I can not wrap my little pea brain around much right now. I talked to him like a month ago online about playing Magic again and now... well, it will never happen again. So this poses more questions for me, like the rest of life seems to be doing right now.
R.I.P. Billie, you were a helluva guy. Brilliant, articulate and sweet as a summer day is long...
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Boy Skips about because of his Girl
I have a great room mate. I've mentioned him before, Joel. I was standing in the living room and he came out of his room and did this little skip while making this giddy noise. I asked him what was up and he said, "Oh, just me getting excited." He opened the door and hopped out toward his girlfriend who was walking up the front walk. The ironic thing is, I was crying at the time about how much pain and alone I feel.
It still made me smile and think: "I love LOVE." I want a passionate and fun relationship, that skip a heart beat, random smile as that person crosses your mind during the day, gives you a look across the room that makes your legs feel like jello kinda love. I want someone to skip toward me or wait for me at the door when I come home. I want someone to kiss me in front of strangers or hold my hand and always know they have a passion for me and can't keep their hands off me. I just want a chance for that.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
6 Word Story:
Sunday Dinners, Never the Same Again
Tee and I went to my parents this evening to check on the dogs and clean out some of the flowers that had died. I walked in the house and it felt empty. Not like the "oh they're away on a trip" kinda empty but like the soul of the house has been removed. As we headed home it struck me that I would normally be headed home about that same time but from a dinner of food made with love and a lot of smiles and stories of golf games from the morning. Turns out... that isn't going to happen again for a long, long time and it sickened me to tears.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
No Title (weird I know)
So yesterday I was prompted with an interesting thought:
"Do you forgive me for wanting to be happy?"
I have a VERY intriguing and wonderful room mate by the name of Joel. He is very insightful and quite brilliant, not just by textbook standards but in a very matter of fact way of thinking about life. I truly enjoy our kitchen conversations, we have them quite often. Yesterdays conversation was in the garage though. I wonder if that means something?
He was asking me some things along a personal matter and yes I know I'm not alluding anyone, it is about my break up. I explained things, did some out loud internalizing and he took a very "open minded" approach. I'm not surprised in the least. I just wanted to note that sentence so I have it for reference in weeks to come :)
A surprising turn of events was when he stated that I was inspiring him to get back into shape. I was humbled, yet again and smiled graciously at him.
I want to get back to gym. I just hate sleeping, my nightmares are fierce and waking up with a neon flasher of "CANCER" on my mind is getting tougher and tougher. I can't work out if I can't get good rest... but I am forming a plan because I don't want to make excuses as to why I can't do something. I want to problem solve on how TO accomplish something.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Strangers Make Me Smile
As of late, it seems that I'm finding comfort from strangers. I'm not saying ONLY from strangers, its just some of the randomness of words escaping the mouths of people I run into throughout my days lately has caught my attention. I believe the universe is giving me the reminder I've needed.
This started out about a week and half ago when I posted a descriptive status update on FB. Some one I befriended in the art community popped up on chat to let me know how much he enjoyed my writing and proclaim I should look further into such endeavors. *gasp*
Today I ran to taco bell to pick up food for my boss and the drive thru girl went to grab my money and stopped in mid reach, I looked up and she said "Wow! Your hair is amazing and it compliments your face really well." Okay, so in an attempt to not completely melt down in embarrassment in my seat, I smiled and replied, "aww thank you." She smiled and said, "Yeah, you're cute." She let the window close and walked off to grab the food.
*gasp* Well allllriiiight then.
THEN I went to Shell to get my sacrificial Red Bull. My old buddy who works at the counter, let me interject here: She is this crazy, loud lady who cusses like a sailor and says what is on her mind, looked at me when I walked in, yelled across the store "What. The. FUCK?!" I just started laughing. She continued on, "Where have you been? (I head toward the counter) Hold up, you lost a ton of weight! What are you doing? Damn girl, you look gooood." So by this the the delivery guy and the 2 other customers, also regulars, were starring at me. I just laughed it off, said thanks and told her about going to gym. I was then asked how much weight I had lost and how much more I wanted to lose. After proclaiming my goals, the delivery guy chimed in with a "you look good, don't lose too much more." More gracious smiles, thanks and shades of red.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
:::Beckon Me:::
She draws me out to her
I'm but a pawn on her chess board.
I stand there, looking, breathing, fighting
It's useless, I'll give in, she knows what she's doing.
I've always had a weakness for the deep blue of her eyes
For her touch, oh what a touch! cool and calming.
I seek her peaceful nature and fear her wrath
Her power, her gentleness, her strength, her beauty.
I wish I could be such a force.
Have such a way with my own self
That not many could aleve such an insatiable desire to be near me.
No one person could handle such a power
Only the Gods we read about in stories could possess such gifts.
This is why they bestowed it upon such things all people can enjoy
This is how the ocean beckons me to her...
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Effect/Reflect
Words have meanings. Words put together in sentences have impacts. Words with inflection can put a lifetime of hurt to someone... especially when said in the heat of the moment.
I can't and won't undermine how someone feels. I understand hurt and anger all too well. I also hold, all too closely, words that have been thrown at me in the heat of a moment. Painful, spiteful, angry words...
The effect words have is amazing. So damaging, they can't be taken back, no matter how much you try.
Reflecting on the words, as they really set in days later, well that is when the hurt sets in.
It's tough to put those filters on when emotions on sitting right on the edge just waiting to jump off and be heard. There is a way to counter this, well at least a little. One. Simple. Word. Communication.
The foundation of any good relationship, the key to knowing how to help or fix things going on with the other person. Holding it in, keeping it to yourself and "dealing" with it on your own or letting it pass, doesn't work. It just doesn't, well not at least for me.
When anger is held in, multiple things start to happen. Counter part can feel something is wrong but if nothing is ever said... the growing apart begins. Little 'shots' start to be taken. Uttering words loud enough to be heard and thrown at someone are just not right. This is not how you communicate your feelings. This is what happens when you give up. Laying on guilt does nothing but keep driving that wedge and serve as a reminder of the bookshelf of things that have been ignored.
Pain is life and boy am I sitting in the ultimate pit of life right now...
Epic Fail on the Finish of "Center Stage"
So I got to work on my bottle about 8:pm... oops. Needless to say, with some other minor distractions; cooking, eating, making lists, changing my mind about colors, etc. I finished up a little after 1:am. I wasn't tired and could have easily gone on till 3:am but I do have to work.
I'm not even half way done with her yet... I have to hope for some kind of miracle tonight because something tells me tomorrow is going to be very exhausting.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Watching my Mom
The Cancer Diaries - 3 days before surgery
I sit here on a bar stool facing the kitchen on Easter Sunday finishing my slice of banana cream pie. I look up and see my mom washing dishes like she's done so many times before. This time, however, she looks so different to me. I notice how she stares out the window in front of her. Starring off so intensly I have to wonder what she's thinking about.
It's 3 days till her surgery. The surgery that will tell us the news we've all been waiting to hear for the past 2 weeks. The news that could change so many lives.
Something inside of me says this is probably the very thing swirling around in her head right now.
This blog may sound bleak but its not at all. I write these words to serve a purpose, a reminder. Life is fleeting. We are born set on a path toward death. It begins as we take that first breath and scream for life.
Living unhappy, living in pain, living without hope... well that isn't really living now is it?
I watch her now, I look at her with different eyes. I want to take her fears away. I want to watch her stand in front of that sink again telling me about her golf game and how she f'd up some putt on the 7th hole. Listening to her talk about prepping for surgery and my aunt coming in to take care of things sounds so nightmarish. It's almost incomprehensible but here we sit discussing such informalities.
Artistic Procrastination
It's a beautiful thing. *giggles incessantly* I've had my bottle for about a month and a half to paint for the Bakersfield Museum of Art. I figured out about 3 weeks ago what I wanted to put on it. I just started transferring the images on to the bottle last Wednesday. It's due this Tuesday, I might be a little behind.
Thursday I ended up being too drained from working on it for 6 hours the night before. I had some other things on my mind and cleaning seemed (and felt) like a much better outlet for me. I then planned on doing the 2nd transfer Friday night... well that didn't work out either. Saturday came around and I started to realize that I'm running out of 'drying' time. I also realized that in order to make my carrot cake I needed to get my bake even strips so I needed to run to Michael's first. My friend Tee has a son and he asked to come along and I was quite excited to say yes. We got to talk about stuff and he reminds me of how much I miss coaching high school kids. He really is an amazing guy and I love how we chat about stuff. He's honest with me and I like it, it's very refreshing. He is very much into wrestling and is more than happy to teach me since I know absolutely nothing about it. He also enjoys showing me the down sides of wrestling; illnesses, sicknesses and stuff of that nature. Turns out he started to get something called cauliflower ear. You should YouTube it if you don't know what it is... it can get pretty gnarly. Anyway, he wanted to get it drained so we spent some time driving around trying to find a needle and someone to do it. We even went to urgent care but they wanted his primary care physician to do it so that was a bust. Thankfully, we have a super cool roommate who was more than happy to assist with it. It's fine now so YAY :) So the moral of that story was I didn't get a chance to work on my bottle.
Sunday I woke up and made french toast and bacon...mmm. Cleaned up and then laid on the couch, it seemed like a much better idea at the time. I was playing with the iTouch and decided to check my horoscope which basically told me to stop procrastinating and get to work on any project I have going on. I giggled and thought it was strange that they can be so spot on. It took me about 15 minutes but I got all the stuff out to put the 2nd transfer on so it could dry while we went to my parents house for Easter Linner.
Hung out there for a few hours, grabbed some movies on the way home, Lex headed to my aunt & uncles to assist with some I.T. work and I had a lot of art supplies and paints to find and gather. I didn't realize how scattered it was/is. I have stuff in both storage's too which is kind of a bummer but for the most part I found everything I needed, just took me some time. Then I realized I didn't have my glasses anyway so set up time was a good thing.
I got about 1/4 of the first piece done... she will be tough but I'm hoping to finish her tomorrow night. Keeping my glass 1/2 full :)
Saturday, April 03, 2010
Compliment from a Stranger
So I've been letting my soul speak out for the past couple of weeks. At a time in my life where things are very uncertain and unsettling, I figure I need an outlet. Unfortunately, I have some set backs going on with gym, so that isn't an option for me right now. That really saddens me because it made me so happy not that long ago but now it serves as a painful reminder of things that are going on in my life. I'll have to deal that when the time presents itself.
I'm inspired by simple things. I like the way that sounds but more importantly I like the way it feels. I wrote a status update on Facebook last Friday:
My ah-ha moment. I walk out of the garage each morning and as the door opens I'm revealed my day. I see blue skies on occasion, sometimes they are kissed with fluffy white clouds. Other days they are branded by looming grey ones. Sometimes the wind kisses my cheek but no matter what I see, a wondrous thing happens to me; it immediately releases an emotion inspiring me to write. Darke or not... I must embrace it.
I didn't think much of it when I wrote it. It was exactly what I wanted it to be; what I was feeling at the time. Moments later the little 'pop' from Facebook chat came across my speakers. I toggled over to find a window from a new add, someone I do not know but befriended me because of common interests and friends we share. He said: Okay, you don't really know me, but I gotta tell you your post was quite lyrical! & Do you write as part of your job? My reply: "I do not actually. I wish I did." To which he finished with: You're good at it. Food for thought.
I have to say that was pretty dang awesome. It made my day and I can't help but wonder what it would be like to write more and with such a purpose. Thank you RB for your kind words, they really did make an impression. I'm curious as to how I'll proceed with this new found feeling.
Friday, April 02, 2010
Irony
Why does pain fuel such deep, rich emotions? Pain. A simple 4 letter word that has such an impact on our entire being. I've been pushing it a side, tucking it in, setting it in a jar on the shelf, ignoring it, keeping a light jog to stay ahead of it... you see where I'm going. *taps desk like a teacher and says* "Now class, what do we know about not dealing with our problems? Anyone... ANYONE?!"
You forget which side you pushed it to and walk into it, you accidentally crawl into bed with it, the jar falls off the shelf and breaks open, it sends you a RED envelope, special delivery letter, you trip and fall and it smothers you while you're lying on the ground. So I'm pretty sure, dear readers, you are seeing what just happened and how I'm left lying on the ground.
Let me just interject that I did this to myself and with all the current happenings I'm 'okay' with being here. I'm not a down or naturally negative person, that actually destroys everything I'm about. This place where I currently am, was bound to happen. The biggest problem I'm dealing with is I can't move forward or up right now. I'm stuck in a state of here. THAT is the part that is tough for me. Usually I have something to draw me upwards and right now, I'm blank.
I love music. Anyone who knows me, knows this. A lyric can catch my attention and send me soaring to another place. The irony is that right now with all this pain and hurt I'm going through, I've been inspired to let out so much emotion through writing. If I had the time, I could easily put out 5 stories of great length. It's like the pain is pushing its way out through my fingers and trying to remind me how to feel every emotion. In a time, go figure, where I don't want to feel anything actually. It's draining and to be perfectly blunt; I'm fucking over it right now.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
There are Strings Attached
As she looks into my eyes it takes everything in my power to not just give in to her.
"I like the idea of strings attached. That something is tied to you... to one other. That maybe there is something so strong holding us together that we finally have found that safety we're looking for and have always wanted. A bind that can not be broken because there are roots grown to such great depths they are hundreds of years deep, protected and being fed with love, digging in deeper and deeper."
I watch her lips move and she speaks in a poetic rhythm to my heart. I love her idea of romance, it's inspiring to say the least.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
All the Others
Lately I've been speaking with a lot of friends. I need my friends right now. I need a strong support system and I'm truly blessed that all the years I've spent looking for the just the right people to enlighten, enhance and generally help me grow, are all here for me now when I need them most. It's a very safe feeling with a lot of not so safe feelings going on inside.
I had one of those conversations with a friend today about believing people. She said, "I just don't know if I can believe anyone anymore." That struck me deep. It took a few hours to sink in but it did and here I am at my keyboard, gettin' it out. How does one really respond to that?
How can one person undo that kind of damage, turmoil... fear? How does one person who had no hand in such things get thrown in with all the others? Maybe the question is, how does one person NOT get thrown in with all these people when it's happened time and time again. History says we repeat itself so why wouldn't the next person get thrown on the bus with everyone else?
I live in the now and I live in a pretty positive outlook on life kinda way (even with current circumstances). Don't get me wrong, I falter. I feel like I'm almost being tested lately and that's okay. I'm keeping with 2 very strong mantra's right now that I typically preach with:
~The universe will only give me what it knows I can handle~
and
~Keeping my best flip flop (foot) forward~
And of course, humor. It's my staple and it makes me smile but more importantly it makes those around me smile and that always feels good inside. I could cry and be miserable all day long but if I can make one friend smile, then I feel so complete.
So what do you do when presented with such a 'task' (if you will)? With the current blog, I know my answer. I know I'll run right for it but what would you do? Would that scare you? Would it make you feel like you're being pushed away or blocked... disposable even?
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Something
I'm trying desperately to fix things. I'm trying to fix them quickly. Like every other person who sickens me, I want it done yesterday. I know that nothing can be fixed quickly. Everything takes time... things work themselves out in a way that is to serve a purpose we just aren't meant to understand quite yet.
I'm feeling things, they are out there and I'm trying to contain them. It's not working, it's scary but I can only keep true to myself. When it's all said and done at the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with the feelings locked up inside of me.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Bad to Good to Worse
So I got quite a blow today. I received a call around 10:30 this morning from my dad. I think he picked the absolute worst words to start out with: "Your mom is fine but we're at the hospital." I could hear the shaking in his voice, I could see the tears streaming down his face. My heart sank.
Apparently about 3 weeks ago she started feeling dizzy, would lose her breath, got tired very easily and was very cold all the time. She noticed it getting a little worse and decided to call the doctor. They didn't see it so important to get in her quickly so she had to wait about 2 weeks for an appointment. That was 2 days ago... this morning she got a call from her actual doctor saying she needed to go to E.R. and get herself checked out. Her Iron count was low, very low. They double checked her numbers and she was at a 6.8... seeing as how 14 is considered low, this was not the best news. They gave her a transfusion, 3 units. Each unit would take 2 hours to 'upload' and then they would wait an hour to see if it helped.
She finally got a room around 6:30 this evening. The worse news comes next. She doesn't have any actual pain or vomiting. I guess these would be good signs of a bleeding ulcer. I mean that isn't the best diagnosis but it's better than the alternative... bone marrow cancer. As I type the words, it almost seems like it's happening to a character in one of my stories... not my mom. Not the woman who cleans 2 houses in a day, makes dinner, goes golfing and then comes home and cleans her own house. Not the woman who can walk 18 holes at golf and want to come home and do yard work for 2 hours. Not my mom... she's indestructible.
The craptastic part is the waiting. She'll have some testing done in the morning and then we'll know more. I'm not taking it well. I'd be lying if I said I believe everything is going to be fine. I don't know that... I don't know much of anything right now. I know I busted my ass at gym tonight because I had so much anxiety I didn't know what else to do. I'm sitting here and I space out and just stare at the blinking cursor. I usually feel so much better after blogging but somehow, I know this time it's just not going to work that way. I want to believe I'm overreacting and I just need to chill the fuck out. This is one time, I'd love to have been completely overreacting.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Gymless
So I haven't gone to gym the past couple days. I miss it terribly. I really had every intention of going today but of all things to forget, I couldn't find my headphones. I have like 3 pairs and for what ever reason there was NOT one damn pair in my car, bag or at work. I might as well have forgotten my shoes, that's how pivotal my headphones are to me at gym. I came home with the intention of grabbing them and heading back out but it didn't happen. Somehow, I took that as a sign to just rest since that's what I really wanted to do anyway.
I feel better in the fact that I got to rest but I miss that good ol' sweat and the satisfaction I feel after workin' my ass off for an hour or two. Tomorrow, yes, sweet sweet tomorrow.
Tomorrow is another day <-- cheesy I know-- but it's so very, very true.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
My New Battle with Food.
So obviously I've had some issues with food. One doesn't get to be 253 lbs by having everything under control. Yes I just blasted my original weight up for all the clickyweb world to see. The first step (I imagine with any problem) is admitting it. I'm not proud of how big I was, how much I let my weaknesses rule me, let me get to such an unhealthy state but at least I'm getting a second chance.
In typical Pisces fashion I've thrown my passion and every bit of energy I have into this. 2 months later and it's paid off. While I still have a ways to go, I'm set on a great path. I was very diligent about keeping a log of all my calories. I slipped a few days and wouldn't write it down but would keep a good mental track till I started again. I stopped when we moved because well, moving takes a lot of time and energy and I didn't feel like it.
I decided to do a little check this week, making sure I'm not eating too much. Oddly enough, it's quite the opposite. By my guess-ta-mations, I probably was only eating around 1000 calories a day last week. No wonder I had such a mondo weight loss. I'm just lucky my body didn't revolt on me and hold what I was eating. I'm eating and I'm eating quite well, apparently my body is enjoying all of it or I wouldn't be constantly losing weight. I'm just worried about what's going to happen when it finally decides to 'hault' for bit.
I'm doing my best to change it up and now that I have running that should keep me good for at least another month but it still worries me sometimes. The biggest issue I notice with running? If I don't have the calories, that last 10 minutes or so is kinda tough. I'm really looking forward to today though. I'm determined to get to a 1000 calories before gym, I need it.
Here's why: I eat 1000 calories. When I run 3 miles I burn about 550 calories. In my everyday routines my body naturally burns 2398 calories. That means my deficit is about 3000 calories a day if I only eat 1000 calories. 1000 intake - 550 workout - 2398 daily burn = *thumbs down* 3500 deficit = a lb of fat lost. I can't keep this up. I need to slow the process down a little bit. I typically don't just run either, I do weights or core or both. I like to walk out of gym with about 700 calorie burn workout under my belt.
I don't like eating big dinners and I only occasionally have dessert now so the idea of packing the calories in at the end of the day doesn't work and dinner is suppose to be your smallest meal anyway.
Alright, ranty enough, back to work. I need to get hungry!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Six Word Story of the Day
My friend Tee is in love with these. Inspired by Hemmingway, here is the back story:
THE HEMINGWAY CHALLENGE
Legend has it that Ernest Hemingway was challenged to write a story in just six words. The result: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Hemingway regarded it as his greatest work.
Legend has it that Ernest Hemingway was challenged to write a story in just six words. The result: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Hemingway regarded it as his greatest work.
Hemingway’s six word story and self-critique have never been verified but what is irrefutable is that great stories can be told in 60,000 words or just six.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Thin Line that Binds Me
I'm all Pisces. I'm a lover of all things by the book of the universe. I'm a free spirit who is quite mysterious, secretive and can be very reclusive when I so choose it. I'm terribly over sensitive, I even annoy myself with it at times but it is who I am and I do my best to keep myself in check. It is in my nature to want to be alone at times. It's nothing against anyone but sometimes I find it's the best way to regroup. If I feel something is off, I'm going to take the time to find out what it is, how I got there and what needs to happen to make it better. I reside in the 12th House of Self-Undoing. It may sound funny but it's actually written in my stars... astrology at it's best. Most people get the House of Friendship or the House of Pleasure or Health. I get Self-Undoing. My sign being the make-up of all 12 signs is a dumping ground of sorts. It's no wonder it's called Self-Undoing, that's a lot for people to carry around and being so sensitive to others does have its draw backs.
I spent a better part of my adult life doing things because "it was best for everyone else." I still have my tendencies to sacrifice or silently give in even when I really don't want to. I mean seriously, no one puts themselves first all the time, that would be one serious asshole. The key is always balance. Learning what is best to keep your soul happy, what makes you shine on the inside and the outside. Inner turmoil and suffering sucks ass, no doubt. If something isn't right or working for you... time to pull out your own DIY 'fix me' kit and get to work. The only person responsible for your happiness is you and if you can't see that, you might as well stop reading here. It may be hard, it may suck, it may be the worst thing (for the moment) but you have to look at the bigger picture sometimes... because the future is where we are headed, like it or not.
Lately with weight loss, goals, attitudes around me, moving, art desires and new people I'm finding myself wanting to pull a Pisces so to speak. The double bodied part of my symbols are moving around... a lot. Pisces are said to be fleeting but the thing that keeps them 'Earth Bound?' One tiny string... it's the smallest and strongest line imaginable. The string keeps the fish tied together so they can't lose one another, it would be like if yin lost its yang. It wouldn't be pretty. It's just enough to keep me grounded, it's impressive. I always keep one thought in my head. Don't mistake my seclusive nature as me bailing out or giving up, that's not what I mean at all... it's just I'm doing what I feel best, reflection. Think of it like a CPA reconciling her ledgers at the end of the month. Same idea. Just checking things out making sure everything is balancing out.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
No Whammies, No Whammies!
So after Friday nights fantastic workout I basically floated all night. It still makes me smile just thinking about it. I wanted a good weight loss. I wanted that 2.5lbs to get to my 30lb goal weight. I was at 225.6. I'm right on target to be in the teens so very soon.
I was super nervous. I even made Lex go first to weigh in. She rocked 3.5lbs which is huge because she's so much smaller. I just kept visualizing thinner. The scale was on it's way up... hesitated at 217.8 then 218.0 and stopped. "OH CRAP!" Is what slipped from my mouth. The guy asked, "was that a good oh crap or a bad oh crap?" I looked up and said, "OH it's GOOD!" I got high fives all around from the weigh in boys... 7.6 lbs in one week. John (head of the contest) said, I expect big numbers from you with 2 weeks off... 15lbs. He was very serious. Whoa.
I took 2 days off already. I'm letting some stuff sink in and I had a pretty hectic week last week, so I wanted to just take it all in and analyze what to do next. I'm tromped 2 goals in one week. While I'd like to think I can stay at that pace, I need to really figure some stuff out. At least I know I can add running into my workouts now. I just have to be adamant about icing my foot afterward and I'll be fine.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
See Me Run
I can't even believe I did it and I'm the one that did it. We went to the gym tonight, as per usual it's our own "last chance workout" before our weigh in tomorrow morning. I decided I needed to mix it up tonight. I have to, we've been working out for 9 weeks and we pretty much do the same things. I mean we do change things around a little but I do very little walking because of my foot. I spend a MAJOR part of my time on the elliptical. We have a love/hate relationship. I secretly do love it but I'll never say it while I'm on it. Yesterday I had an awesome workout and it almost beat me. I was on level 10 for 30 minutes. Then we did some squats with a weighted ball, LOVE THAT.
Note to me for a later reference: Remember that Nelly Furtado song, do it for yourself and remember how for 32 minutes you ran with the biggest of smiles and the greatest of feelings that you've had in a long, long time.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
My Day at the DMV
I decided to not pay attention to my drivers license and turns out, it expired on my birthday this year. This means I had to endure the DMV to get it renewed. Craziness. So I took the morning off to tromp down there and put my 'time' in. Well a few small flaws in that plan. I may have overslept a little which made me late and all that means is long lines and wait times. Even the "start" line had a 10 minute long line, it was impressive. She handed me my paperwork to fill out and my Number. I was given G92. They were on G41. Along with the A's, B's, C's, D's, E's, F's, H's and I's mixed in. About a 2 hour wait... so I took my time filling out my paperwork and stood in a corner till a seat opened up that I wanted to stay in during my time. Here are some highlights of my visit:
~*~
-Dude walks up to another dude and says,
"Hey man, what are you in here for?" (okay so he can check prison off his list of life accomplishments)
"Hey man, what are you in here for?" (okay so he can check prison off his list of life accomplishments)
"I got another ticket and had to come pay my fines from some other 'stuff.' (come on, we know you mean a DUI dipshit)
"Oh yeah, what'd ya lay down today?"
"$300 and as of April 8th, I lose my license... their f'n crazy like that fool." (shakes head)
"What'd you do?" (yes, what DID you do?)
"Well after my DUI (thanks for confirming that one) and some tickets I got all these points." (no shit)
"Whaaa... no way?!"
"Yeah, I have 8 pts" (Daaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmn)
Then there was some other [explicitve] after [explictive] talk and how he can't reapply for it till October. Good stuff, he was so surprised. LMAO
~*~There was a man who had on blue cargo shorts, a light blue button up shirt, a blue fishing hat with some bright design but the best part? *wait for it...* He had on shiny (like prom dress shiny) yellow elf shoes. No joke. They had a curl at the tip and everything. There was a couple standing next to me, the guy says "look at that." The girl looks over at the guy walking by and says with a glazed look on her face "I love the DMV." Okay, that made me chuckle a little.
~*~The guy next to me who was studying for his commercial drivers license. Nothing too funny about him. He was a nice kid. Typical 'waited' till the last minute to study. He was reading through practice test after practice test trying to retain everything he could. I'm pretty sure the 2 hours he put in studying while sitting there was probably about all the studying he did. I offered to read him some questions to change it up a bit. He didn't do too badly.
~*~There was a kid that needed to fill out the same form I did plus one other one. I'm pretty sure he couldn't read. (no I'm not laughing at this at all, it made me quite sad actually) He couldn't comprehend where to spell out his name or how to fill it out. It basically is the normal info form; name, address, mailing address, phone number, that sorta thing.
~*~Then you have the normal, happy teenagers getting their licenses for the first time (Lord help us all). LOL I literally saw a girl skip outside after she passed. It was pretty cute.
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