Watching my Mom

The Cancer Diaries - 3 days before surgery

I sit here on a bar stool facing the kitchen on Easter Sunday finishing my slice of banana cream pie.  I look up and see my mom washing dishes like she's done so many times before.  This time, however, she looks so different to me.  I notice how she stares out the window in front of her.  Starring off so intensly I have to wonder what she's thinking about.

It's 3 days till her surgery.  The surgery that will tell us the news we've all been waiting to hear for the past 2 weeks.  The news that could change so many lives.

Something inside of me says this is probably the very thing swirling around in her head right now.

This blog may sound bleak but its not at all.  I write these words to serve a purpose, a reminder.  Life is fleeting.  We are born set on a path toward death.  It begins as we take that first breath and scream for life.

Living unhappy, living in pain, living without hope... well that isn't really living now is it?

I watch her now, I look at her with different eyes.  I want to take her fears away.  I want to watch her stand in front of that sink again telling me about her golf game and how she f'd up some putt on the 7th hole.  Listening to her talk about prepping for surgery and my aunt coming in to take care of things sounds so nightmarish.  It's almost incomprehensible but here we sit discussing such informalities.

~Here is your reminder for hope and events that will and need to happen because when it comes down to it, you want to live a passionate life.~

Artistic Procrastination

It's a beautiful thing.  *giggles incessantly* I've had my bottle for about a month and a half to paint for the Bakersfield Museum of Art.  I figured out about 3 weeks ago what I wanted to put on it.  I just started transferring the images on to the bottle last Wednesday.  It's due this Tuesday, I might be a little behind.

Thursday I ended up being too drained from working on it for 6 hours the night before.  I had some other things on my mind and cleaning seemed (and felt) like a much better outlet for me.  I then planned on doing the 2nd transfer Friday night... well that didn't work out either.  Saturday came around and I started to realize that I'm running out of 'drying' time.  I also realized that in order to make my carrot cake I needed to get my bake even strips so I needed to run to Michael's first.  My friend Tee has a son and he asked to come along and I was quite excited to say yes.  We got to talk about stuff and he reminds me of how much I miss coaching high school kids.  He really is an amazing guy and I love how we chat about stuff.  He's honest with me and I like it, it's very refreshing.  He is very much into wrestling and is more than happy to teach me since I know absolutely nothing about it.  He also enjoys showing me the down sides of wrestling; illnesses, sicknesses and stuff of that nature.  Turns out he started to get something called cauliflower ear.  You should YouTube it if you don't know what it is... it can get pretty gnarly.  Anyway, he wanted to get it drained so we spent some time driving around trying to find a needle and someone to do it.  We even went to urgent care but they wanted his primary care physician to do it so that was a bust.  Thankfully, we have a super cool roommate who was more than happy to assist with it.  It's fine now so YAY :)  So the moral of that story was I didn't get a chance to work on my bottle.

Sunday I woke up and made french toast and bacon...mmm.  Cleaned up and then laid on the couch, it seemed like a much better idea at the time.  I was playing with the iTouch and decided to check my horoscope which basically told me to stop procrastinating and get to work on any project I have going on.  I giggled and thought it was strange that they can be so spot on.  It took me about 15 minutes but I got all the stuff out to put the 2nd transfer on so it could dry while we went to my parents house for Easter Linner.

Hung out there for a few hours, grabbed some movies on the way home, Lex headed to my aunt & uncles to assist with some I.T. work and I had a lot of art supplies and paints to find and gather.  I didn't realize how scattered it was/is.  I have stuff in both storage's too which is kind of a bummer but for the most part I found everything I needed, just took me some time.  Then I realized I didn't have my glasses anyway so set up time was a good thing.

I got about 1/4 of the first piece done... she will be tough but I'm hoping to finish her tomorrow night.  Keeping my glass 1/2 full :)

Compliment from a Stranger

So I've been letting my soul speak out for the past couple of weeks.  At a time in my life where things are very uncertain and unsettling, I figure I need an outlet.  Unfortunately, I have some set backs going on with gym, so that isn't an option for me right now.  That really saddens me because it made me so happy not that long ago but now it serves as a painful reminder of things that are going on in my life.  I'll have to deal that when the time presents itself.

I'm inspired by simple things.  I like the way that sounds but more importantly I like the way it feels.  I wrote a status update on Facebook last Friday:

My ah-ha moment. I walk out of the garage each morning and as the door opens I'm revealed my day. I see blue skies on occasion, sometimes they are kissed with fluffy white clouds. Other days they are branded by looming grey ones. Sometimes the wind kisses my cheek but no matter what I see, a wondrous thing happens to me; it immediately releases an emotion inspiring me to write. Darke or not... I must embrace it.

I didn't think much of it when I wrote it. It was exactly what I wanted it to be; what I was feeling at the time. Moments later the little 'pop' from Facebook chat came across my speakers. I toggled over to find a window from a new add, someone I do not know but befriended me because of common interests and friends we share. He said: Okay, you don't really know me, but I gotta tell you your post was quite lyrical! & Do you write as part of your job? My reply: "I do not actually. I wish I did." To which he finished with: You're good at it. Food for thought.

I have to say that was pretty dang awesome. It made my day and I can't help but wonder what it would be like to write more and with such a purpose. Thank you RB for your kind words, they really did make an impression. I'm curious as to how I'll proceed with this new found feeling.

*smiles* Thank you...

A friend sent me a great email today and this is how she ended it:

"Always remember that some of the most beautiful things were borne out of darkeness." 

6 Word Story:

I have replaced crying with writing

*at this point, crying seems like it would be easier*

Irony

Why does pain fuel such deep, rich emotions?  Pain.  A simple 4 letter word that has such an impact on our entire being.  I've been pushing it a side, tucking it in, setting it in a jar on the shelf, ignoring it, keeping a light jog to stay ahead of it... you see where I'm going.  *taps desk like a teacher and says* "Now class, what do we know about not dealing with our problems?  Anyone... ANYONE?!"

You forget which side you pushed it to and walk into it, you accidentally crawl into bed with it, the jar falls off the shelf and breaks open, it sends you a RED envelope, special delivery letter, you trip and fall and it smothers you while you're lying on the ground.  So I'm pretty sure, dear readers, you are seeing what just happened and how I'm left lying on the ground.

Let me just interject that I did this to myself and with all the current happenings I'm 'okay' with being here.  I'm not a down or naturally negative person, that actually destroys everything I'm about.  This place where I currently am, was bound to happen.  The biggest problem I'm dealing with is I can't move forward or up right now.  I'm stuck in a state of here.  THAT is the part that is tough for me.  Usually I have something to draw me upwards and right now, I'm blank.

I love music.  Anyone who knows me, knows this.  A lyric can catch my attention and send me soaring to another place.  The irony is that right now with all this pain and hurt I'm going through, I've been inspired to let out so much emotion through writing.  If I had the time, I could easily put out 5 stories of great length.  It's like the pain is pushing its way out through my fingers and trying to remind me how to feel every emotion.  In a time, go figure, where I don't want to feel anything actually.  It's draining and to be perfectly blunt; I'm fucking over it right now.

Just bleeding through my words in every direction, no band-aid.

There are Strings Attached

As she looks into my eyes it takes everything in my power to not just give in to her.

"I like the idea of strings attached.  That something is tied to you... to one other.  That maybe there is something so strong holding us together that we finally have found that safety we're looking for and have always wanted.  A bind that can not be broken because there are roots grown to such great depths they are hundreds of years deep, protected and being fed with love, digging in deeper and deeper."

I watch her lips move and she speaks in a poetic rhythm to my heart.  I love her idea of romance, it's inspiring to say the least.

~Piece of a story I didn't want to forget - N2M~

6 Word Story:

Things Change in a N.Y. Minute

All the Others

Lately I've been speaking with a lot of friends.  I need my friends right now.  I need a strong support system and I'm truly blessed that all the years I've spent looking for the just the right people to enlighten, enhance and generally help me grow, are all here for me now when I need them most.  It's a very safe feeling with a lot of not so safe feelings going on inside.

I had one of those conversations with a friend today about believing people.  She said, "I just don't know if I can believe anyone anymore."  That struck me deep.  It took a few hours to sink in but it did and here I am at my keyboard, gettin' it out.  How does one really respond to that?

How can one person undo that kind of damage, turmoil... fear?  How does one person who had no hand in such things get thrown in with all the others?  Maybe the question is, how does one person NOT get thrown in with all these people when it's happened time and time again.  History says we repeat itself so why wouldn't the next person get thrown on the bus with everyone else?

I live in the now and I live in a pretty positive outlook on life kinda way (even with current circumstances).  Don't get me wrong, I falter.  I feel like I'm almost being tested lately and that's okay.  I'm keeping with 2 very strong mantra's right now that I typically preach with:

~The universe will only give me what it knows I can handle~

and 

~Keeping my best flip flop (foot) forward~

And of course, humor.  It's my staple and it makes me smile but more importantly it makes those around me smile and that always feels good inside.  I could cry and be miserable all day long but if I can make one friend smile, then I feel so complete.

So what do you do when presented with such a 'task' (if you will)?  With the current blog, I know my answer.  I know I'll run right for it but what would you do?  Would that scare you?  Would it make you feel like you're being pushed away or blocked... disposable even?

It just makes me wonder...

6 Word Story:

Hope is where I reside now

6 Word Story:

Courage: To change what I can.

6 word story:

I think I lost my way.

6 Word Story:

So much pain in every direction.


I have to remember, the pain inside is so so deep.  It's not what I had planned, no one plans for this.  I want better for everyone.  I really do *crying*

Something

I'm trying desperately to fix things.  I'm trying to fix them quickly.  Like every other person who sickens me, I want it done yesterday.  I know that nothing can be fixed quickly.  Everything takes time... things work themselves out in a way that is to serve a purpose we just aren't meant to understand quite yet.

I'm feeling things, they are out there and I'm trying to contain them.  It's not working, it's scary but I can only keep true to myself.  When it's all said and done at the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with the feelings locked up inside of me.

:::sigh:::

6 Word Story:

Walking Around with a Heavy Heart

"Thats what she said"

Bad to Good to Worse

So I got quite a blow today.  I received a call around 10:30 this morning from my dad.  I think he picked the absolute worst words to start out with: "Your mom is fine but we're at the hospital."  I could hear the shaking in his voice, I could see the tears streaming down his face.  My heart sank.

Apparently about 3 weeks ago she started feeling dizzy, would lose her breath, got tired very easily and was very cold all the time.  She noticed it getting a little worse and decided to call the doctor.  They didn't see it so important to get in her quickly so she had to wait about 2 weeks for an appointment.  That was 2 days ago... this  morning she got a call from her actual doctor saying she needed to go to E.R. and get herself checked out.  Her Iron count was low, very low.  They double checked her numbers and she was at a 6.8... seeing as how 14 is considered low, this was not the best news.   They gave her a transfusion, 3 units.  Each unit would take 2 hours to 'upload' and then they would wait an hour to see if it helped.

She finally got a room around 6:30 this evening.  The worse news comes next.  She doesn't have any actual pain or vomiting.  I guess these would be good signs of a bleeding ulcer.  I mean that isn't the best diagnosis but it's better than the alternative... bone marrow cancer.  As I type the words, it almost seems like it's happening to a character in one of my stories... not my mom.  Not the woman who cleans 2 houses in a day, makes dinner, goes golfing and then comes home and cleans her own house.  Not the woman who can walk 18 holes at golf and want to come home and do yard work for 2 hours.  Not my mom... she's indestructible.

The craptastic part is the waiting.  She'll have some testing done in the morning and then we'll know more.  I'm not taking it well.  I'd be lying if I said I believe everything is going to be fine.  I don't know that... I don't know much of anything right now.  I know I busted my ass at gym tonight because I had so much anxiety I didn't know what else to do.  I'm sitting here and I space out and just stare at the blinking cursor.  I usually feel so much better after blogging but somehow, I know this time it's just not going to work that way.  I want to believe I'm overreacting and I just need to chill the fuck out.  This is one time, I'd love to have been completely overreacting.

Time will tell I guess... for now I'm just going to drink rum & crystal light till I can't keep my eyes open anymore.  Nite.

6 Word Story:

Indestructible woman becomes a fragile flower.

6 Word Story: 

Moments that take your breath away.

6 Word Story:

I'm just sayin'... I look cute.

Gymless

So I haven't gone to gym the past couple days.  I miss it terribly.  I really had every intention of going today but of all things to forget, I couldn't find my headphones.  I have like 3 pairs and for what ever reason there was NOT one damn pair in my car, bag or at work.  I might as well have forgotten my shoes, that's how pivotal my headphones are to me at gym.  I came home with the intention of grabbing them and heading back out but it didn't happen.  Somehow, I took that as a sign to just rest since that's what I really wanted to do anyway.

I feel better in the fact that I got to rest but I miss that good ol' sweat and the satisfaction I feel after workin' my ass off for an hour or two.  Tomorrow, yes, sweet sweet tomorrow.

Tomorrow is another day <-- cheesy I know-- but it's so very, very true.

6 word story: Day 5

Love: Don't Ever Turn it Down.

6 Word Story: Day 4

I'm sorry, I'm sorry... not sorry.

6 word Story: Day 3

Never wonder: For yourself, Be Happy.

My New Battle with Food.

So obviously I've had some issues with food.  One doesn't get to be 253 lbs by having everything under control.  Yes I just blasted my original weight up for all the clickyweb world to see.  The first step (I imagine with any problem) is admitting it.  I'm not proud of how big I was, how much I let my weaknesses rule me, let me get to such an unhealthy state but at least I'm getting a second chance.

In typical Pisces fashion I've thrown my passion and every bit of energy I have into this.  2 months later and it's paid off.  While I still have a ways to go, I'm set on a great path.  I was very diligent about keeping a log of all my calories.  I slipped a few days and wouldn't write it down but would keep a good mental track till I started again.  I stopped when we moved because well, moving takes a lot of time and energy and I didn't feel like it.

I decided to do a little check this week, making sure I'm not eating too much.  Oddly enough, it's quite the opposite.  By my guess-ta-mations, I probably was only eating around 1000 calories a day last week.  No wonder I had such a mondo weight loss.  I'm just lucky my body didn't revolt on me and hold what I was eating.  I'm eating and I'm eating quite well, apparently my body is enjoying all of it or I wouldn't be constantly losing weight.  I'm just worried about what's going to happen when it finally decides to 'hault' for bit.

I'm doing my best to change it up and now that I have running that should keep me good for at least another month but it still worries me sometimes.  The biggest issue I notice with running?  If I don't have the calories, that last 10 minutes or so is kinda tough.  I'm really looking forward to today though.  I'm determined to get to a 1000 calories before gym, I need it.

Here's why:  I eat 1000 calories. When I run 3 miles I burn about 550 calories.  In my everyday routines my body naturally burns 2398 calories.  That means my deficit is about 3000 calories a day if I only eat 1000 calories.  1000 intake - 550 workout - 2398 daily burn = *thumbs down*  3500 deficit = a lb of fat lost.  I can't keep this up.  I need to slow the process down a little bit.  I typically don't just run either, I do weights or core or both.  I like to walk out of gym with about 700 calorie burn workout under my belt.

I don't like eating big dinners and I only occasionally have dessert now so the idea of packing the calories in at the end of the day doesn't work and dinner is suppose to be your smallest meal anyway.

Alright, ranty enough, back to work.  I need to get hungry!

6 word Story: Day 2

Sun is shining inside and out.

24 hours

I have to remember that sometimes when you take a shot... you miss a shot.

Question is dear readers: Do you quit taking them to play it safe and not get hurt or do you charge after that ball and go for it again?

I know my answer.  What about you?

Six Word Story of the Day: March 10th

Winning and losing, my own irony.

Six Word Story of the Day

My friend Tee is in love with these.  Inspired by Hemmingway, here is the back story: 

THE HEMINGWAY CHALLENGE

Legend has it that Ernest Hemingway was challenged to write a story in just six words. The result: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Hemingway regarded it as his greatest work.  

Hemingway’s six word story and self-critique have never been verified but what is irrefutable is that great stories can be told in 60,000 words or just six.

I've decided to incorporate them into my blog.  I love the idea of them.  I figure March 10th is just as good day to start as any.

Thin Line that Binds Me

I'm all Pisces. I'm a lover of all things by the book of the universe.  I'm a free spirit who is quite mysterious, secretive and can be very reclusive when I so choose it.  I'm terribly over sensitive, I even annoy myself with it at times but it is who I am and I do my best to keep myself in check.  It is in my nature to want to be alone at times.  It's nothing against anyone but sometimes I find it's the best way to regroup.  If I feel something is off, I'm going to take the time to find out what it is, how I got there and what needs to happen to make it better.  I reside in the 12th House of Self-Undoing.  It may sound funny but it's actually written in my stars... astrology at it's best.  Most people get the House of Friendship or the House of Pleasure or Health.  I get Self-Undoing.  My sign being the make-up of all 12 signs is a dumping ground of sorts.  It's no wonder it's called Self-Undoing, that's a lot for people to carry around and being so sensitive to others does have its draw backs.

I spent a better part of my adult life doing things because "it was best for everyone else."  I still have my tendencies to sacrifice or silently give in even when I really don't want to.  I mean seriously, no one puts themselves first all the time, that would be one serious asshole.  The key is always balance.  Learning what is best to keep your soul happy, what makes you shine on the inside and the outside.  Inner turmoil and suffering sucks ass, no doubt.  If something isn't right or working for you... time to pull out your own DIY 'fix me' kit and get to work.  The only person responsible for your happiness is you and if you can't see that, you might as well stop reading here.  It may be hard, it may suck, it may be the worst thing (for the moment) but you have to look at the bigger picture sometimes... because the future is where we are headed, like it or not.

Lately with weight loss, goals, attitudes around me, moving, art desires and new people I'm finding myself wanting to pull a Pisces so to speak.  The double bodied part of my symbols are moving around... a lot.  Pisces are said to be fleeting but the thing that keeps them 'Earth Bound?'  One tiny string... it's the smallest and strongest line imaginable.  The string keeps the fish tied together so they can't lose one another, it would be like if yin lost its yang.  It wouldn't be pretty.  It's just enough to keep me grounded, it's impressive.  I always keep one thought in my head.  Don't mistake my seclusive nature as me bailing out or giving up, that's not what I mean at all... it's just I'm doing what I feel best, reflection.  Think of it like a CPA reconciling her ledgers at the end of the month.  Same idea.  Just checking things out making sure everything is balancing out.

So yeah... that put some perspective in my shoes.

No Whammies, No Whammies!

So after Friday nights fantastic workout I basically floated all night.  It still makes me smile just thinking about it.  I wanted a good weight loss. I wanted that 2.5lbs to get to my 30lb goal weight.  I was at 225.6.  I'm right on target to be in the teens so very soon.

I was super nervous.  I even made Lex go first to weigh in.  She rocked 3.5lbs which is huge because she's so much smaller.  I just kept visualizing thinner.  The scale was on it's way up... hesitated at 217.8 then 218.0 and stopped.  "OH CRAP!"  Is what slipped from my mouth.  The guy asked, "was that a good oh crap or a bad oh crap?"  I looked up and said, "OH it's GOOD!"  I got high fives all around from the weigh in boys... 7.6 lbs in one week.  John (head of the contest) said, I expect big numbers from you with 2 weeks off... 15lbs.  He was very serious.  Whoa.

I took 2 days off already.  I'm letting some stuff sink in and I had a pretty hectic week last week, so I wanted to just take it all in and analyze what to do next.  I'm tromped 2 goals in one week.  While I'd like to think I can stay at that pace, I need to really figure some stuff out.  At least I know I can add running into my workouts now.  I just have to be adamant about icing my foot afterward and I'll be fine.

I just realized IF I could lose that 15lbs in 2 weeks... I'd be 4lbs from 199 <-  That is my Big Middle goal.  It's literally within running distance now. I am 19lbs from my Middle Goal.  Wow.

See Me Run

I can't even believe I did it and I'm the one that did it.  We went to the gym tonight, as per usual it's our own "last chance workout" before our weigh in tomorrow morning.  I decided I needed to mix it up tonight.  I have to, we've been working out for 9 weeks and we pretty much do the same things.  I mean we do change things around a little but I do very little walking because of my foot.  I spend a MAJOR part of my time on the elliptical.  We have a love/hate relationship.  I secretly do love it but I'll never say it while I'm on it.  Yesterday I had an awesome workout and it almost beat me.  I was on level 10 for 30 minutes.  Then we did some squats with a weighted ball, LOVE THAT.

Let's get back to today.  I'm still smiling so so SOO BIG!  My goal tonight was to try intervals on the treadmill.  The natural growth (in my head) is to start using my foot more as I drop weight.  I decided to do 35 minutes.  Start with 3 minutes walking, pray with all my might for 5 minutes running, 3 minutes walking and so on and so forth till the 35 minutes were up.  Most AWESOMEST of awesome things happened when I got to 8 minutes... I wasn't out of breath, hell, I wasn't even warm yet.  So I decided to go to 13 minutes, that would be 10 minutes running, that made me smile.  I was so proud of myself for the 5 minutes as it was.  So here we are fast approaching 13 minutes... just barely getting a little sweat but still not out of breath, STILL just fine.  Next goal: 18 minutes, that would be 15 minutes running.  Me!  Running for 15 minutes.  The whole idea of this blows my mind.  18 minutes came and went, 23 minutes came and went, then 28, then here came 35 minutes.  I only walked the first 3 minutes and ran the entire 32 minutes.  At 30 minutes I looked down and had run 2 miles.  I ran 2 miles in 30 minutes.  I can't get over it.  The other interesting part?  I never truly got out of breath.  I had a nice pace at 3.9 going.  I want to do that twice a week.  I never thought running would make me so happy.

Note to me for a later reference:  Remember that Nelly Furtado song, do it for yourself and remember how for 32 minutes you ran with the biggest of smiles and the greatest of feelings that you've had in a long, long time.

My Day at the DMV

I decided to not pay attention to my drivers license and turns out, it expired on my birthday this year.  This means I had to endure the DMV to get it renewed.  Craziness. So I took the morning off to tromp down there and put my 'time' in.  Well a few small flaws in that plan.  I may have overslept a little which made me late and all that means is long lines and wait times.  Even the "start" line had a 10 minute long line, it was impressive.  She handed me my paperwork to fill out and my Number.  I was given G92.  They were on G41.  Along with the A's, B's, C's, D's, E's, F's, H's and I's mixed in.  About a 2 hour wait... so I took my time filling out my paperwork and stood in a corner till a seat opened up that I wanted to stay in during my time.  Here are some highlights of my visit:

~*~

-Dude walks up to another dude and says,
"Hey man, what are you in here for?"  (okay so he can check prison off his list of life accomplishments)

"I got another ticket and had to come pay my fines from some other 'stuff.' (come on, we know you mean a DUI dipshit)

"Oh yeah, what'd ya lay down today?" 

"$300 and as of April 8th, I lose my license... their f'n crazy like that fool." (shakes head)

"What'd you do?" (yes, what DID you do?)

"Well after my DUI (thanks for confirming that one) and some tickets I got all these points."  (no shit)

"Whaaa... no way?!"

"Yeah, I have 8 pts" (Daaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmn)

Then there was some other [explicitve] after [explictive] talk and how he can't reapply for it till October.  Good stuff, he was so surprised.  LMAO

~*~There was a man who had on blue cargo shorts, a light blue button up shirt, a blue fishing hat with some bright design but the best part?  *wait for it...*  He had on shiny (like prom dress shiny) yellow elf shoes.  No joke.  They had a curl at the tip and everything.  There was a couple standing next to me, the guy says "look at that."  The girl looks over at the guy walking by and says with a glazed look on her face "I love the DMV."  Okay, that made me chuckle a little.

~*~The guy next to me who was studying for his commercial drivers license.  Nothing too funny about him.  He was a nice kid.  Typical 'waited' till the last minute to study.  He was reading through practice test after practice test trying to retain everything he could.  I'm pretty sure the 2 hours he put in studying while sitting there was probably about all the studying he did.  I offered to read him some questions to change it up a bit.  He didn't do too badly.

~*~There was a kid that needed to fill out the same form I did plus one other one.  I'm pretty sure he couldn't read.  (no I'm not laughing at this at all, it made me quite sad actually)  He couldn't comprehend where to spell out his name or how to fill it out.  It basically is the normal info form; name, address, mailing address, phone number, that sorta thing.

~*~Then you have the normal, happy teenagers getting their licenses for the first time (Lord help us all).  LOL  I literally saw a girl skip outside after she passed.  It was pretty cute.

I finally finished up at 2:30pm.  I ended up taking the whole day off.  I got my oil change done too.  I figure I might as well get it all done while I'm off.  It was a very productive day and I was quite happy about it.

Tumble

I have big plans for things in my head.  It's too bad it's starting out a very shaky week.  I have to get this out so I can move forward.  I don't like sitting on things, then it makes it worse and last twice as long.  This one may a little more on the negative side so if you're looking for a pick me up, this isn't the blog.

Stacked against me as of this moment:

~work- I'm trying to make it so I can go to Disney on Friday and I thought getting our tickets on Saturday was a good sign.  After a discussion with the village idiot yesterday afternoon.   I'm lead to believe otherwise now.  :o\  I have 2 days of work in-house and I'm guessing about 2 days of work coming in.  Seeing as how I only (want to) have 3 more work days, you can see how the math doesn't work.

~migraine-check.  Woke up with a fierce one which I'm sure is because I hardly ate yesterday and did a 700 calorie workout last night.  I would eat more but I have the worst heartburn known to man and I can't.  Water hurts, if that gives you any idea of what I'm going through.

~heart burn- I haven't had it like this in a long time, I'm running through the things I've eaten to see what the problem is.  I think now it's just a matter of letting it all completely migrate out of my system.

~weight loss- I can't eat to fuel my workouts.  I won't have the energy to workout. = No weight loss.  I want a 4lb loss so bad this week.  I need about 8 more workouts like last night... yeah, that's a pipe dream.

~moving- well that's always stressful, no matter how much you prepare.

~cakes- two to do and trying to work out plus get successful cakes out is going to be a huge challenge with the current mental and physical state I'm in.

~a few other things that I won't blast here... but you get the idea.  Off to work now because I'm not getting anymore behind than I already am.

Funny the way it is

I realize that as we begin our move to our next home that I hold my things very close to me.  I'm truly excited for where we are moving.  We have a lot of the same afflictions for things which will make for a great living situation.  The cats are doing better after just 2 visits, even after the Polly refusing to come out from under the bed when we were leaving yesterday.

An offer to move the Mac top into an actual office (hoo-rah) has been placed and that sounds very nice but at the same time I was thinking, it won't be in MY room.  lol  I guess I like having it within the gum sticks (the remote) boundaries.  It would make sense to utilize our space though.

I just thought it was funny how I like to keep things so close to where I sleep.

Update of Sorts

So the 2 week goal of 10lbs is coming up.  2 days.  I think I'm about 4lbs off  :(  Now comes the "I wish I had..." and "I shouldn't have quit so soon" moments.  I think some more double workouts would have helped.  We'll see thought, maybe a miracle will happen... 8lbs would be nice too, anything less would suck.  Plain and simple.

I'm very much convinced my mood has a lot to do with how the weight loss goes from week to week.  I'm definitely feeling better about things now.  I 'feel' lighter.  My ability to carry worry and the burden for others will always sit with me.  I just DO that.  I take on other peoples' feelings and it's a major reason it's hard for me to be in crowds sometimes.  I can feel the negative.  It can be so intense it feels like that pea green elephant lamp you inherent from a 2nd aunt with orange dangling gems around the shade with 'Greetings from the Zoo' scrawled across it that your mom insists you keep in the front window of your living room, especially during the holidays.  Not even tinsel can save you.  Laugh if you will but it's taken me some time to figure this out.  I'm definitely on a positive track and I like it, so I'm just naturally merging and going with it.

I can't really say what's going to happen Saturday morning at 9:30am.  I just hope it's as close, if not right on 223 as can be.  I would love for it to be lower but I'm not pushing my luck.  Tonight I will endure an exercise ball class.  NO part of it sounds easy and I'm already pretty damn sore from the batting cages two nights ago and tossing the weighted ball yesterday.  I need to stretch, strecth and stretch some more.  I'm drinking amino acids and protein to try to help the recovery process in my muscles but I don't think recovery is going as fast as I would like :)

Onward & Upward!

5k Walk

So Saturday was the big walk.  I saw a lot of people I knew which in some ways made me feel even more out of place.  I know what some of these people compete in.  I just kept the notion that everyone has to start somewhere and here was my start.  My heel was as stretched as it was gonna be.  There were only a handful of walkers and my goal was basically not to come in last.  We took off and I had about 10 people behind me so all I had to do was stay ahead of them.

At the first turn Lex was already about 5 steps ahead of me which I expected.  It was long before she was WAY out in front of me.  I only had to tell her once she better not wait for me.  I wanted at least one of us to make it under an hour and I knew she could easily do it.  Having her so far out in front of me just helped me keep pushing myself.

I noticed she passed a person.  So then I thought, I want to pass someone and I did.  By the end of the first mile I passed 3 people.  Each time saw her pass people, I wanted to pass them.  By the end, I  passed 7 people!  I was so excited but what made it better?  I finished with a time of 52:56. A little over 17 minute per mile.  I'm good with that.  The snacky foods at the end were YUMMY.  I was so proud of Lex, she finished in 51:20  well done little girl :)

Here is our highlight :)

Nothing says you just finished a 5k walk like Orange Smiles :)

Valentines Day 

or as we call it now, Off-road bike & geocaching day.  After we finally got up and moving around, we got the bikes out, pumped up the tires, loaded some geocaches into the GPS & headed to Hart Park.  After a few little tire snafus we finally got on the bike path.  That didn't last long, the caches were off the path and on a dirt path closer to the river.  Each one was placed about .25 mile apart so we could ride, walk and crawl around and continue so on and so forth.  In about 2 hours we went to 5 sites and found 3 of them.  Dropped off a geocoin we had held on to for some time and got a few more finds under our belt.  Nothing says I love you till the ends of the Earth like sweating up and down on bike trails and digging through brush to find ammo cans and Tupperware filled with toys :)

       Lex riding back down the hill next to the river.        

 

Straight up that hill in that hole is a geocache.

Yeah, we'll have to take a DNF on this one :\

The 'Some Day' Pile

So I have a lot of clothes that I have kept in hopes that "some day I'll be able to wear those again."  I think I've always had those piles in my life.  I may need to analyze that at some point but that isn't this blog.  Anyway, I pulled out 7 pairs of shorts yesterday from that pile!  Had a killer workout last night and I just need to keep on pushing along.  Tomorrow is our 5k walk.  I'm excited and nervous.  I want to finish in under an hour but there is that small part of me that is worried about my heel.  I've done weeks of working out and I should be fine but like the pain in my heel, it just nags at me a little from deep within.  I'm GOING to do this.  

Then it's off to the solitude of Teri's, YAY!

Rings

Since we've been losing weight I had the idea that maybe my rings fit again.  I realize, I have stopped wearing a lot of things I enjoy because of how unhappy I've been with myself.  Anyway, I put them on last week and they fit!  They were a little loose even :)  Well today, my thumb ring keeps falling off... so now they're too big :\  lol

Tis' life sometimes...

2.5 lbs

My worst weight loss to date.  I know that's what I'm suppose to lose each week but my fear of completely being knocked out of this competition is killing me.  I want so badly to place in the top 5 but I'm not sure how to do it.  My eating is getting out of hand.  No, it's not what you think.  I'm not craving (well on occasion but nothing fierce) bad foods, the problem is I'm not eating enough and I believe this could be my downfall.  My body is going to start holding on to everything it's got.  My other problem is if I don't go to the gym, I internally freak out.  I'm trying to be okay with doing the Wii Fit, Active and Biggest Loser at home (on occasion) but I don't feel like it's enough.  I know I need to change it up but the gym is safe and it's worked great so far.  I need to venture on some of the tougher cardio and keep playing with the weighted balls, those kill.  I'm even looking toward an exercise ball class and a kick boxing class, YIKES!

So I'm down 7.81%... Time to pick it up a notch!

So yeah... I was offered a chance to paint/decorate/create a wine bottle for the Bakersfield Museum of Art. When I thought wine bottle, I thought every day normal wine bottle. HOLY HELL! I didn't know it was going to be a 6ML bottle! I put my 16oz arrowhead bottle next to it as a comparison.

Oh

So it's 19 days till my birthday.  Hmm.  As much as I'd like to go to Disney, just not sure it's going to work out.

I've got to let this 'feeling' go.  It's going to mess with my weight loss, then I'm really going to be pissed.

Saturday

We have been hanging out with a new friend lately.  I hadn't realized how much I miss being around people.  We had the pleasure of getting to know a lot of people this weekend.  It was quite entertaining to say the least.  The boys are hilarious and even though I suck at the Mystery game (the actual name escapes my mind currently) it was great listening to Joel try to dissect each scenario.

I got to see blended/mixed families in action.  I love when I learn new things about people and from people.  The dynamic is quite beautiful and very cool.  Another great part was how we just kinda 'fit' in.  We spent the day cooking/baking.  It was nice to have so many taste testers.  I really do hope no one got sick due to sugar overload though.

I can't express how nice it is to feel welcome some where.  Plain and simple; it's nice to feel wanted.  I guess some people take that for granted. 

Looking forward to meeting more people and learning even more about our new friends. :)

Oops

I realized a couple of things.  I only lost 2.5lbs this week.  I know that's suppose to be good but I was on track to have lost more and something happened about Thursday. 

So I learned 2 valuable lessons this week. 1) Working out 5 days in a row = steady decline in workouts and 2) if you don't journal your food, how good of a count are you really keeping?

I was going to look back over my week when I realized, there wasn't one entry for the entire week.  Well holy hell.  I have already remedied that problem.  Especially with SuperBowl Sunday today.  I have a tough, tough goal ahead of me: 10lbs by February 20th.  

Here we go!

My Battle with the Elliptical

So what I have found by working out 10-12 hours a week?  You can basically succeed at anything you set your mind to.  It's kinda amazing. 32 days ago we went back to the gym.  As before in past years I had trouble on the ellipitical.  I struggled to do 15 minutes and keep the pace near 3.0.  Now, 31 days later, I can do it for 60 minutes and EASILY keep it at 3.2 - 3.5  with some spurts of 4.0 - 4.5.  60 minutes!  I can hardly believe it and I was there and did it!  615 calories... love it.  

5K is in 10 days! 

Conviction... but at the cost of your own possible happiness?

I had someone approach me today.  A friend actually.  I have had, in my time, many a person come to me with a situation or problem of sorts.  With each approach, I 'try' <-- I really, really do, to just listen.  When someone comes to you with a ranting/raving/venting/complaining/or any story of sorts, I have learned, the very hard way and with a loss of a couple friends, that listening is key and even though you THINK you know what is best.  You don't.  I'll be the first one to say that I like to be right about everything.  I mean, who doesn't?  :)  But when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, when that person has to look in the mirror, when that person wakes up in the morning, You don't have to look at that face every morning, You don't feel what they are feeling deep inside.  Any advice you give, is you're opinion.  It's what you want them to do, or THINK is best... and even though sometimes we'd like someone else to do everything for us and not have to deal with things, it is imperative that said person is ultimately the one to make the decision and do what is best for them.

Confused yet?  Good.  I bet you're really not though, we've all been there before, don't lie.

I complain a lot of the current state of the children being brought up in the world today.  Lazy, messy, no accountability, no respect for others, bratty... the list could go on for a long time.  I have met a 'few' and I mean few parents who I admire completely and wish everyone could base their parenting skills on these people.  I would have a lot more hope for humanity because let's face it, it's shaky.  There are some adults I know who don't fall far from this category either which basically explains children these days, you learn what you see.  Morals.  That word almost seems extinct like dinosaurs or something.  I like to think my morals are good.  They aren't outstanding and that's okay.  I've had my fair share of "should've done that different" moments but overall, I think I can get a satisfactory check mark.  The point is, I've learned and that really is what life is about.  Trying.  You either succeed or fail.  At least you can live with the notion that you tried.  Screw those discouraging 'what if' moments... because you only get left with never trying at all.

Which brings me back full circle to my title.  Conviction.  The strong belief kind of conviction, 'stickin' to your guns' as they say.  In my conversation of today, I saw some very commendable statements from this person, admirable even.  Made me even more proud to know this person.  However, oh yeah-the fancy 'but,' it also made feel a great sadness too.  As I do understand the reasons, I can't help wonder if those words used aren't only trying to justify for the few others that know but for this person as well?  

I have to say, I have some hands on experience with this stuff.  It's tough.  No matter which way the follow through goes... someone is going to hurt.

So my question dear readers, do your sacrifice for yourself and hurt alone or do you take that risk and just maybe, put yourself first this time and take any back lash?

How many times have you not said something, even though you really, secretly, deeply, truly wanted to?  Even if it meant making for an awkward or strange moment.  Isn't it better to get it out there?

"if you failed that is a good thing, it means you tried. Better then doing nothing at all..." - a friend posted this the other day, I thought it fit my blog today.

You can text your order in to Subway now. Pretty cool!

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Jack Skellington isn't feeling so great. I tucked him in while we go to gym.

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Polly sporting her Boston T-shirt.

The Art of Amour... literally.

There is a last minute call to artists for an upcoming show.  By last minute, I mean it's suppose to be hung next Friday and the drop is next Wednesday.  I've been missing art so this will be a good kick start to some stuff I've been wanting to do anyway.

Yesterday I was in the middle of typing reports and all of the sudden I stopped and reached for a piece of blank paper and started doodling a few rough sketches of some stuff I wanted to do.  I'm pretty excited and what ever I finish this weekend is what I get done.  I'm not going to stress about not finishing every idea I have.  I haven't had anything displayed anywhere in awhile so YAY!

I'm not limiting myself to just canvas or photo paper either. I'm thinking some mixed media is necessary for this "LOVE" show.  Hearts? Paper? Beads? Gems?  A montage of all these things?  Who knows... we'll just have to wait and see :)

Facebook Posts

I know I'm on FB a lot.  I leave it running in the background and it alerts me when things are updated and what not.  I enjoy seeing what people are doing and all the happening of fan pages and groups I'm in.  Lately though, the negative status updates pretty much bum me out.  It's not everyone but it does seem to be the same 2 people who always post negative comments.  One second they are 'on the upward optimistic' side and then the world is ending with no good outlook in site.  I know things in life constantly change but why not REALLY try fixing things for yourself.  I'm as positive as they come and I know I have my bummdee out days but if I look at my last 15 posts on any given day, if I have 2 negative ones in there well that's too many and I need to reflect on what's causing this and seriously try to fix it.  My biggest complaint is people who bitch, bitch, bitch but don't really, truly put in an effort to fix it.  And even when you're down and then get kicked in the crotch and then hit by a brick... so what!  It happens and you know what, be thankful you have a roof over your head and if you don't, be thankful for the people who love you, and if you're all alone, feel blessed for your health and if you don't have your health enjoy the colors of the world around you and don't waste them being so negative.  I think you see my point... you can always find something to be thankful for because this is always true, no matter how badly you think you have it, someone is always worse off.

My cousin died a few months back. My mom went to visit him right before he left us.  She was sitting by his side and even being days away from dying of cancer (maybe hours, it's a little fuzzy) he was still smiling.  Learn a lesson.  Make an effort to be a better person, it's hard but nothing worth doing and doing well, is easy.

This country suffers from people expecting things, we have a will for a reason.  Make your way.  The sense of entitlement among people these day, especially in spoiled children is disgusting and needs to change.

This was a little ranty but this is how I release.  I feel better now :)

*1/28/09 4:05pm - this is not in regards to someone who I regularly speak with, more of a general post about people who are friends via Facebook only.  We all have our rough weeks and those are understandable.  This is different, trust me.*

Weigh In Results & the Beach

So we had a 2 week break in between weigh ins.  I wanted a double digit but didn't get it.  I'm learning those shorter workouts do effect the results.  Not that my loss was small but it was a little off what I wanted.  I had a 7.2lb loss, pretty proud of that but I need to step it up this week.

After weigh in, we headed to the beach with the Mortimer.  We picked her up, grabbed Subway (thank goodness for Subways everywhere) and were down the road.  It was a beautiful drive, the sun was out and it was nice to be on the road.  We were packed with lots of snacks and water.  I have to admit I was a little nervous about the trip.  Lex and I have been strictly work, gym, sleep, rinse & repeat.  We go to my parents twice a week (my mom preps us healthy meals).  That's about the extent of what we do.  So going away from all of our 'safe' food did make me a little anxious.  Since we were going to the beach I figured some fresh, not fried, seafood would be great... just no 'chips.'  I love steamed veggies and salads anyway.  I was going to splurge on a Diet Coke (which did bite me in the ass later, explanation to follow). 

We drove around that corner and headed to the outlets and decided to work our way back.  We happened to pick a good weekend, most of the outlets were having 50% off there already clearance items (which was more than you would think).  So Morti ended up getting a nice Volcom shirt for $1.63.  She won the frugal prize for sure :)  We walked around and shopped for about 3 hours and then decided to head down toward the beach shops.  Once we got there, we were hungry and went to Pier Side to eat outside on the deck and look at the ocean.  It was great.  I ended up with a Hula Chicken grilled sandwich that was AWESOME.  I had most everything put on the side and got a salad, it was great.  We did really well and learned a lot about being very specific when ordering.  Bonus: At the end of the day after adding everything up, I was still 350 calories short for the day :)   Yay for good planning.

We went to our favorite game store, I found Blue Crush for $5 which is awesome and we looked around for awhile.  Went to Urban Outfitters and I found a camera that I really wanted but just didn't want to spend the money for it.  Good thing, when I came home and looked it up on Ebay, I got it for $25 cheaper :)

All n all, it was an awesome day.  We had a lot of fun walking around and just enjoying the gorgegous day.  It's always nice to spend time with friends... The Great Steak & Cheese day of 2010 will live on.  <-- Explanation: Morti ended up basically having steak & cheese for every meal that day, lunch was a little different but it was just wrapped up a little different.

I had 2 Diet Cokes at 4:pm.  At 1:30am, I still couldn't fall a sleep.  I do not drink sodas at all so I paid for that dearly, around 3:30am I finally fell a sleep and I was awake by 8:30am :p

Ratings are DONE!  Working out needs to be stepped up a notch.

So it's been 2 weeks since our last weigh in.  I want to put up a double digit number but I just don't know if that's going to happen.  I'm going to stay positive though.  My clothes are all looser and today I have dove into that drawer of clothes that everyone keeps "for when they get back into shape."  I can't believe it but I'm already there.  I have to focus on that and let that drive keep me going.  I want so bad to see 235 on the scale on Saturday but I just don't think that's going to happen.  I just have to keep moving.

Ratings finished last night and disgustingly enough there were 100's of girls that showed up.  They all freakin' waited till the last day to come!  It rained and that canceled the hitting portion so we had all the raters helping us out because we got bogged down with girls all at once.  We were done by 8:30pm but I was wiped out.  I'm just glad it's over.  Now we can just focus on workouts.

Tonight: Legs & Cardio Cardio CARDIO!

The Weekend

So ready to be done with ratings.  I wish yesterday had been the last day like usual.  The last set is this Wednesday but with the doom of all the rain this week that is quite unlikely.  As we speak, I'm sure the fields are already under water.  It would be nice to actually have a Wednesday off.

Saturday started off with getting my smog done on my car since it was due on Saturday :)  Then we ran to subway to get the Western Omelet English Muffin sandwich and I have to say that was 180 of the best breakfast/protein calories I've had 'to go.'  Then off to ratings till 1:pm.  Headed home to shower and relax.  Lexi and I took a little nap, it was awesome.  Packed up the Wii, some ingredients for dinner and then headed to mom & dads.  I made a cream cheese/salsa stuffed chicken, some rinsed black beans and fresh green beans... mmm yummy!  Lex made an 'ice box' cake with layers of sugar free vanilla and chocolate pudding, low fat graham crackers and bananas.  That was 200 calories well spent at 4 layers of pure goodness.  My parents & cousin decided to splurge a little so we had to smell mozzarella sticks cooking and orange chicken.  It took a lot of 'mind over matter' to keep my hand from reaching in that pan and even grabbing one little piece but I never gave in and I'm really proud of myself. 

We played some Wii Play games, Mario cart and boom blox... my dad won!  On round 4 he knocked over the towers for a 22,000 pt shot and basically killed us.  It was awesome.  We left around 11:pm to head to the grocery store, got home a little after midnight and flopped into bed.

Ratings again (oops we overslept) but got there just as the 1st group was finishing up so I made it with about 5 minutes to spare!  Not quite as busy but we finished up right around 1:00pm.  Ran to Target and Costco to get some stuff for the house and then headed home to pack up and head to the gym.  We only got a 45 minute workout in because I forgot the gym closed at 5:pm.  Headed to mom & dad's again for tacos and then we basically laid on the couch and dozed in and out of sleep all evening.

I can tell that week 2 wasn't as successful as week 1 but I know that is expected.  Looking forward to having a very productive week at the gym.  I'm hoping the rain will detour others from going out.  I'll take any advantage I can get :)

Better and Better

So last night I was trying to push heavier weights but still going for 3 sets of 15.  I thought I was going to hurt more today, not so much :(  We may need to do more free weights so we're forced to use more of our body to control what is going on.  My arms are a little 'jelly' feeling, so that is better than it has been.

I walked 20 minutes on incline 3.5 on lvl 3.  Now that got me sweatin' pretty good.  Then did about 45 minutes of weights & core and then finished off with 15 minutes on the elliptical.  I did a speed ranging from 4.5 to 5.0 and THAT made me feel the burn.  I didn't die and all that happened is I felt REALLY refreshed after my shower.  My foot seems to be doing better, so I'm going to keep progressing and pushing it.  I'm hoping it's getting stretched out more and stronger.  I keep envisioning seeing 230 on the scale.  I want to see it SOON.  If I could put that number up next week that would mean a few things.  1) 7% loss, 2) Definitely hanging around for another week in the weigh ins 3) I lost more than a pound a day.

I'm sitting here in Week 2 and I don't feel like I've lost much and I know that's normal but I want more.  I was on that elliptical last night and all I could see was 3 numbers... 2-3-0 and I pushed my legs as hard as I could.  My heart rate was at 164... I usually see about 136.  I've got to keep that number in my sights.

See it.  Be it.  <-- Mantra for the next 8 days.

Help

Lucky enough we have some very good supporters of our efforts in losing weight: My parents.  Now don't get me wrong, Alix's parents are also very supportive.  After all, her mom is the one who sent us the check to pay for this contest and buy our new shoes for gym :)  My parents just happen to be on the side of providing healthy meals too.  Sunday nights have been somewhat altered but are still in tact and the house is loaded with healthy food and snacks.  It's awesome!  We have also added Tuesday night dinners and then we go work out afterward while watching the biggest loser from 8 to around 9:30pm.

My mom wants to lose about 15lbs and my dad wants to get back in shape so they don't mind doing this at all.  It's all food they are going to eat anyway and they know how expensive healthy food is so they are happy to help us out.

I'm grateful for all the support we are getting.  It's only making this easier and keeping me more determined.  I just need to push myself harder at gym.  My muscles don't feel as tired as I know they should.  After last weeks mini session with the trainer, I know I'm capable of much more.  I just have to put things in perspective while I'm at the gym.

Last night was a good start.  We walked for 45 minutes, always with a minimum incline of 3 and at least 2.7 speed.  I'm trying to make it faster but that bone spur in my heal makes that a little tricky.  Then did 15 minutes on the elliptical which is FINALLY getting easier.  I was bummed that we had already worked out an hour and it was time to go.  Tuesdays are definitely my favorite nights to workout, they go REALLY fast. :)

1st Weigh In

I knew this would be tough.  This thing is no joke.  There are 315 of us and I had a good weigh in but it wasn't great.  Unfortunately, I chose to get sick this past week and that hindered a lot of my plans for gym but I was lucky enough to work through it.  I need to put up some big numbers to stay in.  1st prize--- $15,000.00 And just like most people, I could REALLY use that money.  There are some other great gifts too but money... well money is money.

So I'm 2.6% down, let's see what I can pull off since we get a bye on next week's weigh in.  I hear the 2nd week is the toughest and I'm not doubting it at all.  I have 13 days to go and I really need to step it up.  The trainer almost killed us last week, we need more nights like that.  I could barely walk for 2 days.  I'm still feeling it alittle today but it is definitely better.

Making decisions

So as previous January's, I am doing ratings for a local softball group.  They have added, yet another, day to the rating schedule.  We're up to 7 days total now.  When I first started doing this, it was 4.  I am in charge of rating every pitcher and catcher that goes through there.  From 8 to 15 years old.  It's a process.  A quick one now that I perfected it and know the levels expected at each age group.  They get a little more competitive the younger they are... it's almost crazy.

Last nights festivities involved me rating a few girls in the cold, cold air.  Being sick, probably not my best idea but I did it anyway, then went to the gym afterward.  I feel like I want to die today.  I just need sleep and a lot of it.  Weigh in is in 2 days and I need to lose a good amount.  I'll be devastated if I get booted in the first weekend.  I'll be glad when these ratings are over, my weekends will be so much better.

Eating is tricky on a schedule like the one we have right now.  Thankfully, subway is a savior and it really is about what you choose to put in your mouth.  Food is Fuel and nothing else.  We don't need french fries or double bacon cheeseburgers.  We need fuel to help our bodies move effectivly.  The one thing you have to watch when eating out, healthy or not is sodium  Processed foods, the more I read, are gnarly full of sodium and sugars.  Think about what goes in your mouth and what its actually doing to your body.  You may not enjoy it as much as you think you do.  Time for rest :)

Hello 2010

So 2009 was good.  Hopefully, Alix and I can make 2010 great.  Happenings in 2009 should lead to the greatness that will be 2010.  Alix has gotten a big kid job and is succeeding at it quite well as she is on to her 2nd promotion and is now full time.  I couldn't be any prouder of her than I already am.  Catching up from all the bills of when we were struggling will take some time but that's okay.  We'll work it out, we always do.

Cake decorating & baking is awesome.  It was all consuming and as with most things I start it was my complete passion and there wasn't much else.  I'm still looking for things I want to try and any reason to bake but it's slightly on hold for now.  We have our biggest commitment yet.  We are in a contest to be the biggest loser in Bakersfield.

In December I started cutting things out to make January 2nd not seem too bad.  I can't imagine going through caffeine withdrawals, eating healthy, no fast food, very little sugar and no sodas from one day to the next.  It made the transition really easy and for once, I planned ahead and it did pay off like I hoped.  So most of my posts will be about this journey/adventure and the trials to get from my current weight to 199 as soon as I can.  I really have no idea the last time I was under 200 but my best guesstimate is 1997, give or take a year.

All those weird feelings and the tiredness, that was all the crap I was eating.  I know better.  I really do.  I'm sad I let this happen but I'm not dwelling on it, I'm just fixing it and moving onward and upward.  Wish me luck :)

Some Fairy wine to share with the Lexi on New Years Eve.

Not sure what to do...

... but keep going and hope for the best.  It's an odd feeling to not feel welcome or liked.  To hear about things in random conversation, feel like you're not wanted.  It makes you feel like you've done something wrong, that you're not a good person.  I imagine this is how insecurity starts.  I have to say I'm just going to have to refuse to give in.  The insecurities around me are truly not mine, so I can not own them.  I don't like the blame getting cast upon me when it's not my 'mess' to begin with.  I ran into the first of this blame last week... imagine my shock.

I've been blessed enough to reconnect with a friend who will whole-heartily be a help and a positive force.  I've emptied the cupboards.  Tonight, I'll hollow out more of the room and research and read more about foods.  I can't let this, this... what ever it is, take over. 

Cooking

I'm obsessed with the movie Julie and Julia.  I love the idea of it, it has so many of the things I love.  Cooking and Blogging and finishing something big... something that is out of your hands.  There are so many good one liners and it just makes me feel good.  I watch it at least once a day.  I hope that everyone has a movie that just 'makes you feel good.'

"Do you know what I love about cooking? I love that after a day when nothing is sure and when I say nothing, I mean nothing. You can come home and absolutely know that if you add egg yolks to chocolate and sugar and milk, it will get thick. It's such a comfort." ~Julie

It's going to get easier.

So I'm writing these to not only share what is going on but as a reminder of why I don't want to weigh this much or feel this badly anymore.  Today I had a migraine so annoying that my nose was sensitive to touch.  I thought I was over the caffine/sugar/fast food withdrawal.  Turns out, I'm not even close.  I didn't give in to the caffine but I did get some fast food for lunch.  My boss offered Carl's Jr. and I took it.  I felt so crummy, I just didn't care.  Guess what happened as I was stuffing my face with 1000 island dressing/cheesyburgery fatness?  My migraine disappeared.  I think I'm just going to have to suffer through these migraines and eventually, they will pass.  It's better to do this now before January comes.  Giving it all up at once might destroy my goal and cause a break down.

I have to say I feel even lower now that all it took was the endorphins of fattening food to get rid of that pain in my head  :(

It's all a learning experience.  It. Will. Get. Better.

Bakersfield's Biggest Loser

So one of the local gym's is having a contest.  15,000 in cash for 1st place.  I figure I have just as good a shot as anyone else.  I also believe, this is the kickstart I've been looking for.  Sadly, doing it for myself just doesn't seem to be enough... no matter how much I tell myself I want it.  *sigh*

On January 2nd it begins.  I've already gone through the caffine withdrawal from sodas and boy am I glad that's over.  Oh the migraines :(  I'm working on sugar next.  I like chocolate too much.  Fast food has been significantly cut back as well.  It's all gotta go, I'm just done.  Done I say!

2 fun party ideas but no house for them...

So I really want to host a cookie exchange, it would be fun.  I know it would.  Problem is, we don't have a house.  I also would love to have a vision board gathering for the upcoming New Year.  Again, no house. 

I have been bestowed the gift of loving to have people over and cook and bake for them but when you don't have a house, it does make that a little difficult.  My mom has an aunt that she talks about, always having people over when they were younger and my mom is the same way.  I love a house filled with laughter and good conversation.  We've just gotta save our pennies and hope the opportunity presents itself soon.

At least I know one item that is going on my vision board... a picture of a house that we can make our home. 

Been away... Ooops.

Alright, so I took an extended holiday from blogging.  Facebook seems to get all my 'updates' of sorts.  So lets see if I can get back to here.  October was ridiculous of course.  I was extra busy this year with baking and baking and then decorating.  It was madening and fantastic all in one.  I was actually able to go after Halloween shopping ala Lex's big kid job.  I got some really kick ass stuff so of course I'm super excited for next year.

Let's see, what else?  Went to the Teddy Bear Toss, that was super fun.  Had a very low key Turkey day, always enjoyable.  I decided to try my hand at NaNoWriMo in November and epically failed but that was probably a bad choice on my end with what I had going on.  I will still finish it but next year I'm in it to win it!  50,000 words in 30 days, it's fun and I met some really nice people.

A geocaching friend, Jenny, has a home business and has some other home business friends who get together and have a large bazaar party of sorts, inviting anyone and everyone into her home to shop, there were something like 12 vendors, including us :)  We set some candies, cakes, cupcakes, pretzels, all types of stuff out for display and we even took orders!  So December got a little busier and I'm excited.  5 years ago, I'd never have imagined this and I couldn't be happier if I tried. Pictures to post in the coming weeks.

We still have one more class to take but it's really not working with our schedule :\  Hopefully in February?  We plan on doing this local Biggest Loser contest so we'll see how that works out.  More to come on this after we sign up.

The reason I'm back here?  I saw a word and it annoyed my very core and I wanted to blog it.  Tweetup.  Oh yeah, apparently Tweeters of Twitter have Tweetups now.  *blink blink*  Yeah.  Are you freakin' kidding me?  That is all, for now :)