Long Beach Pride

I'm still amazed at the entire weekend.  Roomie's sis' is an amazing person, her generosity would make any person speechless and left with a sense of awe.  There is a more specific thing that happened though, she reminded me what it was like to smile again and not feel guilty about it.  I laugh a lot, I put on a great front, hell before said illness with my mom, I was the poster child for turning ANY situation positive.  Some times, I even annoyed myself with it.  

My giggles, my smiles come with a cost now.  Guilt.  Not that anyone has imposed this on me, this is purely self-inflicted.  Afterall, we are our own worst enemy.  I laugh for this minute but it's always just a matter of time before my mind travels to my moms side and knows that she is battling something at that very moment; nausea, vomiting, trying to eat actual food, walking... you get the idea.  So how dare I enjoy myself or laugh when she is going through a life-changing fight for her life?  HOW?

I was introduced to Segways this weekend.  I have to say, if I owned one of those, I'd probably never walk or run again.  They are amazingly fun and are better than driving.  Riding them along the beach was fantastic, the fresh salty wind blowing in my face, surrounded by great company and listening to my iPod in one ear.  Somewhere in that moment I realized that the world really does keep spinning even though you might be at a place where your feet feel cemented to the ground.  AND as the world keeps moving, you really need to too, if you don't, you've stopped living life and what a waste that is.

So I was given more than just an awesome weekend out of town, I was given some of what makes me, well me back.  To that, I'm grateful beyond words.  But, Thank You none the less...

Here is what mused from you CS:

We must keep breathing, 

even when it hurts.

We must keep moving, 

even when we want to lay down

We must keep smiling,

even when we just want to cry.

We must keep giving our all,

even when we want to quit.

We must keep talking

even when we want to bury it deep inside.

We must stay strong, not just for ourselves but also for those around us,

even when ignoring what is happening appears easier.

We must keep loving,

even when staying alone seems safer.

6 Word Story:

Fading Away; Guess it can't be.

6 Word Story:

Ending Alone; Where's my fairy tale?

6 Word Story:

Do I stay or run away?

Jumbled Thoughts

*This one is going to need a clause on it.  It's going to have a lot of random sentences, some may make sense and others may be complete non-sense.  This is very much a journal entry and to serve as a reminder for me.  No, I don't want to discuss it.  Thank you.*

I'm learning more and more about myself and how 'fucked' up my minds inner workings are. I wish myself luck on this... I don't want to ever be called out again like that.

Ever get kicked in the stomach from across the room without even being physically touched?  I think it hurts more than actually being kicked in the stomach with an actual foot.

When does taking care of me, my needs and desires step over the line into selfishness beyond all belief?  Some people tell you to take care of yourself, do what's right for you... but how far can that go before other people call you a selfish, inconsiderate bitch?  Perception... it's like relativity, different from one person to the next and their views on the world.

Good enough for that but not good enough for the binding part.  I still can't wrap my mind around all of it.  I don't think I'm capable of understanding it at the juncture, at this moment now, it's very consuming and I have another focus right now.  A few actually, I let my UnDoing take over too long, not sure of the true damage done but the next couple weeks will tell me.

I've been in Wonderland too long, time to crawl back up that hole and figure out what is real again.  

Harmony & Balance ---find me, please.

6 Word Story:

When the words stop, Still Nothing?

17 hours of Work; Awake for 40.5 hours total

With all the happenings with my mom and her extended stay at the hospital, I missed a lot of work in March and April.  Then I decided to get sick and missed some days for that as well.  Lack of drive and a few weeks later and I was severely behind at work.  A lot of patience from my bosses which is nice but for my sanity I really needed to get caught up and back on a  good, solid schedule.  Enter my decision for Monday night.  I decided to come in around 8 or 9:pm and work till midnight or 1:am.  I'm usually up that late anyway, why the hell not?

So got here around 9, got set up and laid some stuff out.  I put everything down on a dry erase board which really put it into perspective and also put a really big "I'm fucked" face on for me.  20 tasks ahead of me, so with my best Super Mario voice, "Here we GO!"

Somewhere about 2:30am I decided I was wide ass awake and on a roll.  I still had a TON to do, I think I only had like 6 tasks knocked off my list at that point.  I was finishing up my 3rd energy drink and decided I should go get some food and more energy drinks if I planned on making it an all nighter.  Jack n the Box and AM/PM rock is all I have to say.  I was workin' along but around 4:30am I got pretty tired, so I napped for about 20ish minutes, woke up and decided to clean out some stuff to help wake me up.  Totally worked.  Same thing happened around 7:am. but by this time I had 12 tasks knocked off my board.

I kept working along and decided billing would have to wait because I was in no way in a good mindset to be working with thousands of cash monies.  I just had to wait for a couple special samples to come in and then I was outta here.  So I worked Monday from 7:30am to 4:30pm, then 9:pm (Monday night) till 2:30pm Tuesday.  I had such a piece of mind walking out of work, it was awesome!

I headed toward home and decided I wanted to tan and take a mini nap.  So I did, slept right through the whole thing and for 10 minutes after it turned off, I might have been tired.  LOL  I headed home and felt a lot better.  I decided to make some seafood enchiladas and mini oreo cheesecakes for a friend.  Yes, I know I'm crazy but being in the kitchen is such a comfort for me and makes me so smiley face.

Finished that up, cleaned up my mess and sat in the office trying to figure out what to do next.  I played around online for a bit and couldn't stop thinking about cameras.  My dad called and mom is doing mega worlds better now that she's sleeping *HUGE SMILES*  YAY MOMMA!

Finally took a shower with my new scrubs (super soothing btw) and relaxed into my p.j.'s.  Trying and trying to get tired.  I felt really relaxed but I couldn't stop reading specs on the D90, D3000 and D5000.  My dad gave me the "all clear" to get which ever one I wanted.  Decided to crawl into bed about 10:30 and watch TV.  Closed my eyes, opened my eyes, closed my eyes... this went on for awhile but I think around midnight I finally got into a spot and fell a sleep.  I woke up stiff and with one helluva headache!  Can you say caffeine hangover?  I knew you could... fuck me sideways that hurt...

So I'm finally better at work, time to do some food prep and get my gym schedule set back up again.  I'm ready for some normalacy again.  

6 Word Story:

Give Love; Not Gonna Run Out

6 Word Story:

Snap Shot: Frozen Moment in Time

Where are you going?

I was proposed with an interesting question the other night from a friend.  She asked me, "Where are you going with love?"  I have to admit, for one of the few times in my life I was speechless.  I opened and closed my mouth like a fish breathing.  I really had nothing.  I had 9 million ways to Tuesday to explain it, until actually asked it aloud, then suddenly, blank.

The funny part of the happenings in my head were that it lead me to one of my favorite DMB songs and at THAT moment, I finally understood what that song meant.  I had a meaning for myself but now it had all changed and this song became even more special to me.

"But I do know one thing, that's where you are is where I belong.  I do know where you go, is where I want to be.  Where are you going?"

Simply stated, he's so in love with love that no matter where she is in life with love, he's in exactly (and happily wants to be) in the same place mind, heart and soul.  LOVE the idea of that...

6 Word Story:

Write it Now or Lose Forever

Rose Colored Spectacles

It's an interesting phrase actually.  I've been told this throughout different times in my life.  I'm not sure I ever really understood it till about 5 minutes ago... and I have to say, what an eye opener.  Loud and clear, noted.

6 Word Story:

She drank so hard; bottle ached.

Respecting What is Asked

I really am putting forth an effort to take care of things in a way that best suits me and the people who choose to be involved in the happenings of my everyday life.  I am watching my mom go through the battle of her life, literally.  Her situation has put a lot of things into perspective for me.  Too little, too late some may say, to those of you who say that... maybe it best we go our separate ways.  We'll always have the memories and for that I can smile for this moment and I thank you for what you have shown me.  I can't have the past hung over my head for the rest of my life, that will hinder my growth and life is too short to have that kind of feeling lingering around.  You are entitled to your feelings, I would never deny you of that.  I can only respect your feelings and we agree to disagree.

I do not want pity.  I get enough of those 'tilted-head' looks as it is.  I just need understanding people in my life and for what ever reason, the universe has given me some amazing people these past few weeks.  I didn't ask, there they were/are, just like that.  Those days when I just want to curl up and give in, well they are becoming fewer and farther between.  I know the battle is long from over but at least I'm trying.

Multiple parties have asked me to do things for their sake and I think I have handled each one of you the best way I can with what I have going on.  I understand that some of you don't agree with my methods as of late but know that I am responding to people who have approached me.  I am doing my best.  That may not be good enough for you and I'm sorry for that.  I really truly am.  I've been carrying anger and I haven't done that in years.  I realized it yesterday and it made me sad, really sad.  I can't do that.  I refuse to be THAT girl again.  I have enough on my plate and adding angry girl isn't going to make any of it easier.

Just know that I love each of you and I'm here but I'm respecting the bounds that have been set by some of you, either from lack of communication, emails, texts, etc.

It really is strange how an illness can change so many ways you look at life and the things around you.  

6 Word Story:

My Soul, You Set it Alight

6 Word Story:

"I am clay in your hands."

*This one has Landyn's name on it. *

Half Empty Quote

"A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out." (the strike through is purely because of how much crap I think this quote it right now).

I saw this and did a very sarcastic laugh.  I know someone going through quite the opposite of this and I can't get over the irony of it all.

I have to say it seems more like this for her lately:

"The whole world seems to be coming in when people I thought were my friends have checked out."

~Keep your head up~

6 Word Story:

Destructive Behavior: Affects Him Aftermath Ahead

Oh what the hell... I need to move out of my house of undoing.  Let's get back to some good.  *drops face in hands*

The Shell

Cancer Diaries - Still adjusting; her-feeding tube, me-seeing her

So I haven't been able to see my mom for about 2 weeks.  I've been sick with this fantastic cold but even better, a cough.  That pretty much put me blocked from seeing my mom at all.  I call to check in but with the past conversations and lack of 'complete' information, I do have to wonder how accurate the information is.  I've been told she is doing better.  She is home now and learning how to function.  My dad, aunt and cousin are at her beck and call.  Oddly enough, she is VERY good about asking for every little thing and they happily run around for her.

She was having some problems with vomiting the day before so when she went to the doctor yesterday they gave her a shot to help ease with the digestion and nausea.  The side effect was Zombie-esque mom last night.  I was on my way in from Taft visiting a friend and decided that I was clear enough to stop by and see her.  As she was happy to see me, it took her a bit to realize I was there.  I got updates while we sat around the living room.

She doesn't look as good as they described or how I imagined her in my head.  I'm not saying she's not better but she is a shell of the mom I know and that makes me want to vomit.  I'm trying to wrap my head around it.  This woman who was strong, assertive, ass-kicking, stubborn as the day is long, determined, carried the weight of everyone in her life... is now this tiny, shell of a woman that only seems to exist in my head.  It's as if I imagined her as a character in one of my stories.  She's down about 17lbs now, watching her at 161 is weird.  I've NEVER seen her under 175 before so that adds to the frail stature she has now become.

I think my being sick gave me an out about not having to deal with seeing her day to day and I'm yet again, left to play "catch up" with my feelings and dealings with what is going on.  I went to gym afterwards and I could feel it all creeping in.  The sadness, oooh this one wasn't going to hide for very long.  I drove around for a little while after gym to try to get some air.  Breathing wasn't so simple as in and out.  Every breath had her name on it.  I was feeling everything that I had missed these past 2 weeks and it hurt.

I got home with the intention of writing this to help me process but that didn't work out.  Tee got home right before I did and in her wonderful, caring fashion, her concern and questions brought it all right to the surface.  I was forced to run out of the office and into the shower to sob alone.  I don't think I was in there very long but it felt like hours.  I came out, still with the intention of writing this but when she walked up behind me to hug me, I lost it, again.  Strange how the touch of another can make you weep without a second thought.  I guess I wasn't as done crying as I thought.  I'm just glad it did all make its way out.

It's going to get harder before it gets easier.  I'm not going to fool myself otherwise.  

6 Word Story:

Easier thought: Heart were an idea