This is the name of the Episode from How I Met Your Mother where Robin finds out she can't have kids. I sympathize in the fact that I've never wanted to have my own children, she is quite adamant episode after episode about never wanting children until she finds out that she can't.
I think it's different saying you don't want to have something. It's your choice, you're in control, it's ultimately your decision but when you're told you can't have or do something it's... different.
I was basically told with current health conditions that I can't have children. My body doesn't 'cycle' correctly for this to happen. Yes, it does make me very sad to think that I can't but on the flip side of that very same coin, I still don't want to have kids. I've always looked at kids in such 'aww' and I love nothing more than to hear little kid giggles or baby 'cooo's.' I find myself looking at kids a little longer in stores or restuarants lately and there is an odd tug inside but again... I don't feel a need to carry a child.
It's been a week since I was given this info and it's still just sitting there. I haven't told anyone (only one knows but that's because she was with me) but I know I needed to get it out. This is my safe place for reminders, memories and notes of things of such nature. This is where I come to "get it out" and move forward. I may find that someday, I may want to actually talk to someone but until then... here I write.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Thinking thoughts of things and such...
In 3 years, smile because it's just like it was 3 years ago. ~If it isn't... are you BOTH willing to put the work in to make those flutterbys come back?
At 10 years, hold one another like you're the only 2 people who exist. ~If you're priorties are everything elst BUT your spouse, are you BOTH willing to change that?
If you're lucky enough to only want to hold that same hand after 20 years, look into one anothers eyes and know that you've fulfilled one anothers promise to have and to hold and you have truly lived a life of love.
At 10 years, hold one another like you're the only 2 people who exist. ~If you're priorties are everything elst BUT your spouse, are you BOTH willing to change that?
If you're lucky enough to only want to hold that same hand after 20 years, look into one anothers eyes and know that you've fulfilled one anothers promise to have and to hold and you have truly lived a life of love.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Missing
As today marks day 23 of a personal nature, I'm tired of constantly having to live in a state of restrooms, being tired and now stumbling/feeling dizzy. I still had 7 more days till my appointment. With recent blood work showing my blood levels dropping and me running into more doors and walls, I made a call that ended with me right back in the docs office within the hour. 3 biopsies later, my crying out to strangers, many tears and even more pain, I find myself sitting here cramping and thinking of the one good thing I heard today... an unborn babies heartbeat. As I walked into the restroom to "pee in a cup" I heard it. I heard that hearbeat on the ultrasound behind a curtain next to me. As I closed the door, I smiled as tears formed thinking how that was one of the sweetest sounds I could have heard at that very moment. I've never wanted to have children, per say but over the years I have adopted and taken in many a child as if they were my own. Some are still around and some have walked on but I do love kids very much and do not hesitate to give love and care for them deeply.
The part of me that has been missing for the past few weeks is me actually feeling like a girl. I have hidden under ponytails, baggy, cotton clothes, no make up and no jewelry. Haven't had any urge to go out, dress up and have any sort of attention drawn to me. It's a very weird and lonely feeling to go through life feeling like you have to hide yourself. I hope this medication helps and doesn't have the same side effects of the last one I tried. Because when it's all said and done, I still have hope.
The part of me that has been missing for the past few weeks is me actually feeling like a girl. I have hidden under ponytails, baggy, cotton clothes, no make up and no jewelry. Haven't had any urge to go out, dress up and have any sort of attention drawn to me. It's a very weird and lonely feeling to go through life feeling like you have to hide yourself. I hope this medication helps and doesn't have the same side effects of the last one I tried. Because when it's all said and done, I still have hope.
Monday, March 11, 2013
It's a Trap
Have you ever seen someone following so close in your footsteps that you almost feel like they're actually in the same pair of shoes you once walked in? You want to push them down and tell them, don't do it, it shouldn't be so one sided. Just realize you want something more and deserve something more... but that isn't how life works and that isn't how we get those lessons under our belt. Pain is ineviable but it sure would be nice to soften it for others...
Sick
This has been a VERY tough year in the health arena. Out of 70 days this year, I've been well approximately 21 days. That is quite depressing. Not sure what is going on with me but I haven't been able to get to gym or take on very much at all this year. Making Sunday dinner is a pretty big deal and thank goodness I have help or that probably wouldn't happen some days either. I've been sleeping a lot, taking meds and nothing was helping. I went to Urgent care on my 3rd cold and he basically told me, I had to "get through it and there was nothing they could do." Nice.
Well after 3 weeks of being sick, I switched doctors and went back. This doctor was much more receptive to listen to me and check me over more thoroughly. She gave me a very aggressive pill regimen and by day 2 I was already 50 times better. Now, (as of day 5) I need to stay well so I can start training for my 1/2 marathon. I don't need another health hiccup to keep me from this goal. I want to be healthy again and maintain a good weight. I'm hoping todays walk goes well and this is the 1st of many workouts to come.
*here's to hoping*
Well after 3 weeks of being sick, I switched doctors and went back. This doctor was much more receptive to listen to me and check me over more thoroughly. She gave me a very aggressive pill regimen and by day 2 I was already 50 times better. Now, (as of day 5) I need to stay well so I can start training for my 1/2 marathon. I don't need another health hiccup to keep me from this goal. I want to be healthy again and maintain a good weight. I'm hoping todays walk goes well and this is the 1st of many workouts to come.
*here's to hoping*
Monday, February 04, 2013
Relationships
I was having a conversation the other day about people being in love, loving someone and falling out of love and relationship "work" in general. People fall in and out of love every day. It's a very sad and true notion. You hear, "relationships are hard work" at every corner and while this may be true in some sense, the romantic side of me doesn't believe they are "work" in the drone, day after day kinda way but more like your ideal dream job that you long to run to every morning. It isn't always peaches but at the end of the day, you're still pretty damn happy about it. You go to bed each night trying to think of new and creative ways to make it grow, keep it fresh and in turn, it will make you smile inside and out. Now THAT is the kind of relationship I want. The kind where someone doesn't let the day after days get to them at ever turn or kink in the road but instead, decides to find some creative way to get through it, add some glitter and wade on by with a smile. Life is hard. I'm not downplaying that for one second but if you allow every emotion, HUGE to teeny, to get to you and knock you down, life is going to be hard, not only for you but for everyone around you. Sadly, you could be on a fast track to being alone...
The idea of falling in love and creating ways to continually fall in love, with that same person, over and over again, sounds like the greatest adventure to me. And in no way, does it sound like "hard work" at all, not if you truly believe in love.
Yeah, it's kinda like that in my head.
The idea of falling in love and creating ways to continually fall in love, with that same person, over and over again, sounds like the greatest adventure to me. And in no way, does it sound like "hard work" at all, not if you truly believe in love.
Yeah, it's kinda like that in my head.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
#paper
My job is numbers and papers. Here is an example of what many of the days of my life look like.
Monday, January 07, 2013
Randomness of Randoms
Quickie to get my week going.
I'll never understand double standards. Although yesterday I was introduced to one from turtle. I'm allowed to sit around and do nothing while she cleans. I am not allowed to clean unless she is cleaning. Weird and wonderful.
As each day passes, I am confident my feet are walking toward something again. Turtle and I were organizing the garage on Saturday and I stopped and said, "I'm actually excited for this year, I haven't been excited for a year in a long, long time. We both have goals set and plans in process." She smiled and agreed. It is a very nice feeling to have some goals and a positive outlook again. It's creeping back in slowly and I'm very thankful.
So with that said, I had a hard week of being sick last week, dropped 7 lbs and I'm taking that as a start to my healthy track. Started watching Biggest Loser last night. I'll never understand why people go on that show to throw it all away. There are so many people that would seriously push down little old ladies or kick animals to get on that show (I'm overexaggerating but you know what I mean). I have picked my 2 girls to keep in time with. I LOVE the gym and Turtle helped me pick out some fun new workout clothes and shoes.
Lots and LOTS of work. Because of said sickness, I'm really behind on work. No worries though, my focus is work, working out and working on our business :) LOVE IT!!!
Hope everyone has a great week and I have my Photo a Day photos, just have to post them. I'm hoping for tomorrow night.
I'll never understand double standards. Although yesterday I was introduced to one from turtle. I'm allowed to sit around and do nothing while she cleans. I am not allowed to clean unless she is cleaning. Weird and wonderful.
As each day passes, I am confident my feet are walking toward something again. Turtle and I were organizing the garage on Saturday and I stopped and said, "I'm actually excited for this year, I haven't been excited for a year in a long, long time. We both have goals set and plans in process." She smiled and agreed. It is a very nice feeling to have some goals and a positive outlook again. It's creeping back in slowly and I'm very thankful.
So with that said, I had a hard week of being sick last week, dropped 7 lbs and I'm taking that as a start to my healthy track. Started watching Biggest Loser last night. I'll never understand why people go on that show to throw it all away. There are so many people that would seriously push down little old ladies or kick animals to get on that show (I'm overexaggerating but you know what I mean). I have picked my 2 girls to keep in time with. I LOVE the gym and Turtle helped me pick out some fun new workout clothes and shoes.
Lots and LOTS of work. Because of said sickness, I'm really behind on work. No worries though, my focus is work, working out and working on our business :) LOVE IT!!!
Hope everyone has a great week and I have my Photo a Day photos, just have to post them. I'm hoping for tomorrow night.
Friday, January 04, 2013
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Work out to work it out
I really do love going to the gym. For multiple reasons actually.
1) I am making a better me *yay*
2) I get to listen to music *double yay*
3) It kind of clears all the 'icky' out of my day.
4) Nothing else exists once I start my workout, makes for some really peaceful time.
The holidays typically take me away from the gym; between baking, craft shows, shopping and visiting, it just gets pushed back further and further. I worked for 12 hours today and it was frustrating as all hell. I wanted to eat a cheeseburger, fries, pizza, donuts, candy, anything to "calm me down." I recognized it VERY quickly. I had no idea it was THAT bad though. As soon as I figured out that I was going to need 2-3 more days to finish and get in order, I really started to panic. I guess my body wanted to feel better so it immediately went to craving anything to give me some good endorphins. Pretty sad, right? I ate my "bad" snacks that I had brought to get me through and drank A LOT of water to try to fill myself up. I'd really like to run the Tinkerbell 1/2 marathon next January-2014. In fairy wings and glitter actually. I think I can do it. First things first though, got to clean up and clean out and I'll begin the running part by mid February.
So there I was walking in the gym at 8:15pm (after my 12 hour day) walking away. I finished my 2 hour walk, now on to pack for Disney :)
1) I am making a better me *yay*
2) I get to listen to music *double yay*
3) It kind of clears all the 'icky' out of my day.
4) Nothing else exists once I start my workout, makes for some really peaceful time.
The holidays typically take me away from the gym; between baking, craft shows, shopping and visiting, it just gets pushed back further and further. I worked for 12 hours today and it was frustrating as all hell. I wanted to eat a cheeseburger, fries, pizza, donuts, candy, anything to "calm me down." I recognized it VERY quickly. I had no idea it was THAT bad though. As soon as I figured out that I was going to need 2-3 more days to finish and get in order, I really started to panic. I guess my body wanted to feel better so it immediately went to craving anything to give me some good endorphins. Pretty sad, right? I ate my "bad" snacks that I had brought to get me through and drank A LOT of water to try to fill myself up. I'd really like to run the Tinkerbell 1/2 marathon next January-2014. In fairy wings and glitter actually. I think I can do it. First things first though, got to clean up and clean out and I'll begin the running part by mid February.
So there I was walking in the gym at 8:15pm (after my 12 hour day) walking away. I finished my 2 hour walk, now on to pack for Disney :)
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Workout and Clean Out
So today is the 1st day of MANY, MANY painfully, sweat-filled days. I drank water, had about 8oz of Coke Zero today. My head was on an Embargo by about 11:am. I know I have migraines and cranky pants days on the horizon but I don't mind (Turtle might though, LOL). My cutesy little shirt came in today. I'm going to hang it up in the room to remind me of how cute it will look in Spring. I pulled some of my old winter workout clothes out, some I can fit in, some I can't, and that's okay, I'll be back in them soon enough. I can't continue on this unhealthy path, I want to be able to play ball again, run and just enjoy myself strolling through life. I'd like to run in the Tinkerbell 1/2 marathon next January. Mostly because I want to run in a Tiara and Fairy wings :)
I completed my day at 1260 cal. I've got myfitnesspal all up to date, loaded on my Kindle and my phone, so no excuses. I pulled out and charged up my pretty, pretty pink iPod nano, so I can also track my steps. I even set up a Nike+ account to sync my pedometer to each night. The gym is pretty empty right now, we figure most people are still on vacation but come next week, it's gonna be ugly. We'll work around the crowd till it dies down after about a month or two, no biggie.
In the words of my favorite plumber... "Here we go!"
I completed my day at 1260 cal. I've got myfitnesspal all up to date, loaded on my Kindle and my phone, so no excuses. I pulled out and charged up my pretty, pretty pink iPod nano, so I can also track my steps. I even set up a Nike+ account to sync my pedometer to each night. The gym is pretty empty right now, we figure most people are still on vacation but come next week, it's gonna be ugly. We'll work around the crowd till it dies down after about a month or two, no biggie.
In the words of my favorite plumber... "Here we go!"
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Christmas Vacation pt. 2
I write this after a VERY LONG 4 days of running around; including (but not limited to) shopping, wrapping, baking, cooking, creating, selling, running, running and just constantly moving. Now, there were some VERY memorable moments... words exchanged, smiles that would melt the biggest of Snowmen and so on. I have to say this will be a Christmas that goes down in the books. I even got to spend time with Turtle's family. It was different than with any other family I've spent time with during the holidays. I don't quite know the words for it but it was lovely and loving and I'm VERY grateful for all the hugs and smiles at a time when I'm quite afraid to leave my dads side for very long. Alas, another painful blog for another painful day *sigh*
Christmas Eve... I type those 2 little words and just get the biggest smile across my face. I will never forget that night. Never. I was shown so very much that night. I can honestly say in my 35 years walking this Earth I've never had such a wonderful time. Never been shown... geez, I don't even know how to put it into words. It was absolutely delightful. 'Nuff said <3 p="p">
So as I lie here thinking over the past few days, I think of so many wonderful new memories and I smile. It makes me teary but overall, it's all puddled with love. The greatest 'not gift' gift I got was Jenna and Maddie thought I was 27! Score! LOL
Christmas Eve... I type those 2 little words and just get the biggest smile across my face. I will never forget that night. Never. I was shown so very much that night. I can honestly say in my 35 years walking this Earth I've never had such a wonderful time. Never been shown... geez, I don't even know how to put it into words. It was absolutely delightful. 'Nuff said <3 p="p">
So as I lie here thinking over the past few days, I think of so many wonderful new memories and I smile. It makes me teary but overall, it's all puddled with love. The greatest 'not gift' gift I got was Jenna and Maddie thought I was 27! Score! LOL
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Christmas Vacation pt. 1
Finishing up day 2 of my grand, merry holiday of 4 days off and I'm pretty tired. As the holidays come and go, I can't help but instantly think of my mom. I have no idea how she got the entire front yard covered in eleventy billion lights, transformed the inside of the house into Hallmark, shopped for our (very) large family, baked nightly, worked, went to gym, kept the yard work up, cleaned the house and still made time to golf. If I didn't know better, I'd swear she was a robot or 3 people. I've been accused of such things in my life time but now that I see what doesn't get done during the holidays, I have no idea how she did it. I have a Turtle (which is deceiving within herself because she is FAR from slow) that helps me all the time and we get a lot done but we still don't have the tree up and have hung up like 2 wooden signs :) Hey, we did the best we could with working nightly out at BARC. We finished our holiday shopping in one day. Took us a few hours longer than planned but the upside is we decided to treat ourselves to a movie. We will watch Jack Reacher in a couple hours. And eat popcorn, lots and lots of popcorn <- about="about" always="always" excited="excited" is="is" notion.="notion." p="p" this="this">
No Disneyland trip this weekend but hopefully next weekend. I'm enjoying the season but as with any holiday anymore, it's bittersweet. Thankful as ever for the wonderful people in my life. Really looking forward to the new year, new beginnings, new friends, love and living whimsically. Off to get ready...
tomorrow brings shopping for Christmas dinner, regular groceries, picking up a few other things, making Sunday dinner and closing out BARC. Yikes. I'm tired just thinking about it.
No Disneyland trip this weekend but hopefully next weekend. I'm enjoying the season but as with any holiday anymore, it's bittersweet. Thankful as ever for the wonderful people in my life. Really looking forward to the new year, new beginnings, new friends, love and living whimsically. Off to get ready...
tomorrow brings shopping for Christmas dinner, regular groceries, picking up a few other things, making Sunday dinner and closing out BARC. Yikes. I'm tired just thinking about it.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Words to Live By
"Learn to appreciate what you have before time makes you realize what you had."
I think a lot of times we bring on our own demise. The world moves quickly. Trends, people, desires, material wants, so many people spend time looking ahead at what they 'want' and then focusing on what they 'had.' The sad part is so many are missing and enjoying what they 'have.' Being a girl of the 21st century and running around like I'm 3 people, I've been given an ability to slow my thoughts down enough to appreciate what I do have nowadays. In the oddest of ways I've been given a lot of insight on how to live. I've got a lot of self work to do. I believe I'm going to discover a lot about myself. It's exciting and scary but what is living a life of comfort and not going after something or being comfortable complaining and being miserable all the time? No, thanks.
My 'have' list is growing daily. Holding anger? Nope. Blaming others for things gone awry? Not this girl, they are learning experiences now. Every adventure, every experience is a way to grow.
No one said it would be easy, scoff if you will, just shows your true self. Are you appreciating what you 'have?'
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Bake-a-pa-looza
My uncle asked me if I could bake a tray of goodies for his work. This was usually a task left for my mom, her prestine fudge (that I never got a chance to learn), her awesome sugar cookies, etc. I think Carol said it best a couple weeks ago when she said that I just "fell into my moms place." I've been cooking and planning our gatherings and so on. I sit here and wonder how the heck she did as much as she did??? She could work, get in gym, shopping, yard work and baking/cooking. She went to bed last and got up first... how? She loved her family, she loved making people happy, it was her very own gift to herself.
I miss that woman a lot. You'll never know true loss until you lose a parent or a child, I suppose. I'm still trying to climb out of the deepest loss I've ever known but I'll get by because I'm her daughter and I won't quit or give in. I may have my moments of weakness but who doesn't? I spent a lot of time chasing happy but I'm pretty sure it's been around me this whole time. It's always there but sometimes we focus on the days ahead instead of the present moments.
So thank you mom, for showing me so many things. I felt a little whimsical baking a lot of your recipes in your kitchen last night. Miss you and love you...
I miss that woman a lot. You'll never know true loss until you lose a parent or a child, I suppose. I'm still trying to climb out of the deepest loss I've ever known but I'll get by because I'm her daughter and I won't quit or give in. I may have my moments of weakness but who doesn't? I spent a lot of time chasing happy but I'm pretty sure it's been around me this whole time. It's always there but sometimes we focus on the days ahead instead of the present moments.
So thank you mom, for showing me so many things. I felt a little whimsical baking a lot of your recipes in your kitchen last night. Miss you and love you...
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Exhausted
So it's 12:30a.m. and I've been going since about 8:30 a.m. I've made toffee brownies, PB cookies, sugar cookies, artichoke/Alfredo sauce/olive pizza, pepperoni/olive pizza, pigs n a blanket and I'm pretty tired. There's roughly 22 people here and its pretty amazing. We went to a condor game, and everyone came back to hang out. Betting on Mexican Lottery, good times. I've been volunteered to make breakfast for everyone tomorrow. I have to get up around 8 to start and have everything ready by 10:a.m. I'll be making eggs, bacon, sausage patties and links, French toast, pancakes, hashbrowns, and biscuits and gravy. I'm gonna need a nap lol
I wouldn't trade moments like this for anything. Family, smiles and wonderful memories. I think my favoritest part is sharing this with my Turtle. She's pretty dang amazing.
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