Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

How did you answer these...

TV Thought:

"Do you want to be with someone who tolerates your quirks or someone who thinks your quirks are adorable?"

Things I carry with me daily...

Her Love
~on days when there seems to be quicksand in every direction, gusty winds and rain without an umbrella, no light at the end of a tunnel, her love keeps me moving. on days when birds sing all around me, the sun shines on any path I walk on, she smiles at me, her love keeps me moving.

My parents
~I'm blessed with some of the greatest parents anyone could ever ask for. Unconditional love, encouragement, praise and support. I really do hope I get to keep them around for a long, long time.

Spreading Good Karma
~in the form of baking. I'm loving this new venture and really do hope it will just keep growing and flourishing. I just want to keep getting better.

Music
~good for the body (at gym), the mind (keeps my mood where I need it to be) and the soul (let in the peace)

Red Bull
~my worst new addiction, I plan to fix it soon. I'm 2 weeks in and up to 2 (12oz cans) a day but I can't keep this all peaches and roses. It's about being honest here kiddies.

This list is ever changing and growing...

Oh, I failed to mention...


I see more turmoil then usual online lately (and that makes me wonder how much is going on that is unsaid as well) and my heart goes out to any and all of my friends in pain right now. I hope you find your way and soon. Some are dealing with the 'mistrust' of their partner or friends. So very sad indeed.

We have to wonder when a partner/friend begins to hide things they're doing or people for that matter. If it's "not a big deal" how come it isn't mentioned? It's these little things that turn BIG because of lack of honesty. Simply said, don't make excuses as to why you're hiding stuff. Of course the mind is going to wonder: is it because of unresolved feelings? Losing interest? New feelings? Longing for what was lost?

Remember that person across from you that says they love you? They mean it... do you and why the hiding?

Muse: Sand

We can only accomplish one task at a time even when many lay before us. Take care of each, not rushing to complete but gently give your love and attention. Tend to each like the precious seed it is and soon we shall be surrounded by a beautiful garden of flowers.

~aj

Sand

I was having a great conversation this morning with a friend. She asked how I was doing as of late since my last month was such a dismal, spiraling, personal hell. I answered, "very well." I took a moment on my birthday to regroup. I found what I was doing wrong, the extreme side of me took over and unfortunately, I couldn't see that at the time.

I grabbed a handful of sand from Love, Cake Business, My Parents/Family, Work, My Health and The House. I tried to grab all of them at once and hold on tight. Well, what happens when you grab a handful of sand? It slips through your fingers and you're only left with a few grains. My initial reaction to just grab and be able to handle it all, was the beginning of my demise. I forgot one simple thing: work smarter. Instead of grabbing buckets to carry the sand or asking for help, I thought I could get by with just a handful of each.

I am listening, very intently to those closely around me. There are some troubling signs there but I am ready to help in any way I can, keeping mind of my personal buckets of life that need careful care as well.

Moving forward slowly is still moving forward... remember that when you find yourself struggling in life.

Deepens

Our moments of our eyes getting lost in one anothers are growing and becoming more frequent.
I love that.

Your words and feelings are coming more freely to me.
I love you.

Our smiles and laughs together are our best play dates.
I love us.

My thoughts of "what's next?" remind me of what it feels like to be "twitterpated" daily.
Thank You for all of it and you...

Listening

Ever Question you're Inner Instinct? I must say, I do now. I will do my best to continue to see the best in people but next time, I may not be so "dive feet first."

Anyone else have to choke down a good intention?

Wearing this skin


A real-life script of how
Our hands would hold and not let go
But delay the mournful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message
That you taught me how to live at last
But I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we wave respect goodbye
In quest for what we long to be, but
I might crumble, I might take a fall again
Still missing you...

...But you're my everlasting friend.

Hers vs. Hyrs Littleism #2

Okay so my dyke did the most amazing thing for me yesterday. Scratch that, she did a lot of amazing things for me but one the amazing things she did was "assembling" my birthday cheesecake. I am/was perfectly fine with making my own birthday cake. Her surprise to me was wanting to try and do it and I don't care if the thing never set and I had to drink it, it still would be the best cake I've ever had. She isn't exactly a baker, she is my strong willed, fix anything with tools, build me a shelf, take care of her girl and make sure her girl feels safe and loved kinda woman and I LOVE that about her. So for her to step outside of her comfort zone and want to do this for me, just meant the world to me. The purpose of this post actually wasn't JUST to dote over how amazingly awesome she is though. The funniest things happened yesterday while she was in the kitchen.

We learned 2 things:
1) The reason I'm so "fucking" strong isn't because of my workouts but because I bake so much. Apparently while mixing, she found her arm got a little tired (I'm still laughing hysterically because her face was so priceless)
and 2) There is different terminolgy when a girl is in a kitchen and a dyke is in a kitchen.

I wanted to blog some of those terms just because it's fun and funny.

Me - I would say follow the recipe
She would say follow the directions

I say Cookbook
She says Manual

I say springfoam pan
She says cake pan (they are all cake pans btw, there is not a difference)

I say cake tester (toothpick or the metal cake tester I have)
She sees cake tester and thinks hammer
*I believe she would have crushed the cookies this way too but I use a magic bullet, call me old fashioned

I say hand mixer
She wants to put the beater in her drill, like a drill bit to mix it (and actually did it)

It really was an awesome adventure with her and really made my birthday special. Little things matter, making a cake for someone says so much. It was made with love and the cutest determination and I'm going to enjoy every bit of it. Thank you my <3

6WS:

"Finding Hope, Dangling from a String"

People can really turn a darke place brighter...

On my drive home yesterday I realized that I left the sour cream back at the office that I needed for my icing. The sour cream that I needed the night before and didn't have *turn on tears* I know you may be thinking, "wow, it's just sour cream you big baby." What you may not understand is it felt like another big A$$ nail in the coffin... another cherry on my pile of crap... another kick in the stomach to break that last rib. My thought was, this week was rough. Which then triggered, so was last week... oh dang, so was the week before. :o\

My ability to "keep my chin up" isn't going so well. Some hours it's not so bad, I am gifted some decent hours lately and I'll take it because right now, it's better than nothing. It's even hard to get me in the kitchen sometimes and that's like my sanctuary, so that must say something.

I had a cupcake order last night. I needed to make a chocolate icing that was brand new and I didn't want to have any doubt but with the month I've been having, you have to know my thoughts weren't of rainbows and sunshine rays. So I get home, check my mixes and I don't have the one I need. *face palm* Another important thing I MIGHT need to complete my order. I crawl into bed with my Bear and she is so good at comforting me and letting me cry. After my melt down, I text my Ryan, I just can't handle going out and being around people. He saves my day, gets my cake stuff and my sour cream. He also convinces Landyn to stay over and Karissa to hang out. Those 3 are like my personal entertainment. They make you laugh when you don't think you can. My Joel listened to me in the kitchen. He was very sympathetic to my heart break and feelings I'm going through.

All in all, I'm lucky to be surrounded by light even though I feel like I'm locked in a basement without windows. Thank you for my flashlight guys, just being you, made this little girls evening turn around.

6WS

Window pain: Looking out to Empty.

Loud and Clear

Sometimes the most damaging words you can speak are the ones that aren't spoken. I hear you loud and clear.

Little Things Matter- Littleism #1: Purple Heart Ring

I think I will call these Littleism's from now on.

So Tee gave me the cutest Happy Valentine's Day gift, the Lady Bug from Build a Bear. She went in there and stuffed her, made a wish on her heart and even put in a cute "I love you" button in her hand. I adore her. I keep turning my head to the left and looking at her and smiling. Her outfit, shoes... JUST. LOVE. HER! Her name is even Mrs. Peanut! I've been wanting to get Peanut a girlfriend and now he has the cutest wife! *all smiles*



Tee also handed me something else. A little plastic heart shaped ring. She said that someone brought in cupcakes today and these were on top. She grabbed a purple one because she wanted to give it to me. My girlfriend works some insane hours right now. She isn't around as much as she would like to be but we all know what it's like to have to put in some time to get where we want to be. So after working her 10 hour graveyard shift, her thought was to bring me that purple heart shaped ring. She cleaned it up and put it in her pocket to give to me. I'm wearing it on my pinkie finger. Knowing that when she saw it, she thought of me. Well, that's something that makes me so happy. It's nice to know someone in the world is thinking of you...

*waves* Bye to my middle ground...

I guess it isn't enough that I wanted happiness for 2 nice girls. The crumby part is, I feel like I can't have my friend anymore, asking her to shopping trips just doesn't feel right or hanging out. Hell, gym seems unreasonable now.

The funniest part is 65% of our conversations are ideas of things for you. She cares so much about you and what you think and doesn't want to mess anything up with you and her. She just comes to me for ideas or thoughts on a gift, just like you did... The other 35% is roughly about my relationship, gym and food issues.

Blasting posts like that basically made it too obvious for people so the embarrassment to me is awesome with the questions I've been receiving.

It's called a break up for a reason, it's broken, that part was unfixable. We found our peace as friends, luckily, and an awesome middle ground. Well that middle ground is basically full of land mines now. So here I sit, feeling quite odd and side swiped.

6WS:

"Feeling awful, notion isn't going unnoticed."

"I'll add him to my list"

Superbowl Sunday was this past weekend and that means "mini" reunion time for my family. 35 people came over and as much as I would have liked for Tee to make it, she ended up having one of her longest days ever so she had to sleep the Superbowl away. It was so great so see so much of my family and cousins and babies! I just love the babies! I was coming down the hall and this little one saw me coming, stood up on her newly shaky legs and put her arms up for me to pick her up. UM OKAY!!! She is adorable. She is my cousins daughter and I can't remember her name at this moment but she was my new best friend. I had to ask another cousin who I was holding LOL She gives hugs and kisses and kid giggles and smiles and my heart is melting all over again just thinking about her little hands on my cheeks. *sigh* Anyway, focusing, that was a tangent!

So the night comes to a close and sadly as we grow older many prayers are needed for sickly, chronic or troubled times in life for many family members or friends. I learned something about my dad this night. Something that brings tears to my eyes every time I think about that moment in the driveway. A long time friend was saying her goodbyes and she asks my parents to "keep her brother" in their prayers, he's in a lot of pain and has lived 3 years longer than they thought. My dad quietly said, "I will add him to my list." My mom chimes in, "he isn't kidding. EVERY night he says prayers for me, Audrey, some people at work and anyone who asks. He spends 10 minutes saying prayers and reciting things for people that have asked him to. Sometimes when I go to bed before him and I hear him come in, I open one eye and I see him on the side of the bed saying all his prayers and it brings tears to my eyes every night." My dad just kinda shrugged his shoulders and said, "it's the least I can do and God answered my most important one."

We all got quiet because we knew it was for my mommie. *tears* I have the most amazing parents.

Just got the most gut-wrenching text after asking my "brother" how his birthday was?

"I spent it in the hospital with my dad, he's dying."

So much going on in life, so much bitterness, anger, worry and well, just a lot of negative emotions. Why live in such an unhappy state all the time? Find the problem and either make a real attempt at fixing it or remove it and move toward to a better way of life for you. People are really making me sick lately. Someone's dad is dying right now... you can't fix that.

Just a Matter of Time


"You make me nauseous posting about your "family." I have to admit you put on quite a show in front of people which I guess is how you can continue to lie so easily. You don't deserve the people in your life anymore, YOU chose to toss them aside. So handle your business and move along. You're not the only one who is done."

*shakes head* So sad...