Who are you? Who do you want to be?

As long as you feel the need to be in control, you'll rarely feel true happy.

As long as you always find the negative in something, you'll always radiate negative energy.

As long as you're busy blaming and ranting to others for your pain & troubles, you'll never truly hear someone who needs you to listen.

After awhile, the phone stops ringing, people stop checking in with you and you're alone.  The fake you portray can only last so long before you're as transparent as a window.

So give yourself to the universe...

Be grateful to those around you, greet people the way you want to be greeted instead of angry all the time, radiate something that everyone would enjoy being around.

Really listen to someone for a change, can you go 1 full day without complaining about something or someone?  Give it a try.

Symphony of Illumination

This is the name of the Episode from How I Met Your Mother where Robin finds out she can't have kids.  I sympathize in the fact that I've never wanted to have my own children, she is quite adamant episode after episode about never wanting children until she finds out that she can't.

I think it's different saying you don't want to have something.  It's your choice, you're in control, it's ultimately your decision but when you're told you can't have or do something it's... different.

I was basically told with current health conditions that I can't have children.  My body doesn't 'cycle' correctly for this to happen.  Yes, it does make me very sad to think that I can't but on the flip side of that very same coin, I still don't want to have kids.  I've always looked at kids in such 'aww' and I love nothing more than to hear little kid giggles or baby 'cooo's.'  I find myself looking at kids a little longer in stores or restuarants lately and there is an odd tug inside but again... I don't feel a need to carry a child.

It's been a week since I was given this info and it's still just sitting there.  I haven't told anyone (only one knows but that's because she was with me) but I know I needed to get it out.  This is my safe place for reminders, memories and notes of things of such nature.  This is where I come to "get it out" and move forward.  I may find that someday, I may want to actually talk to someone but until then... here I write.

Thinking thoughts of things and such...

In 3 years, smile because it's just like it was 3 years ago. ~If it isn't... are you BOTH willing to put the work in to make those flutterbys come back?

At 10 years, hold one another like you're the only 2 people who exist. ~If you're priorties are everything elst BUT your spouse, are you BOTH willing to change that?

If you're lucky enough to only want to hold that same hand after 20 years, look into one anothers eyes and know that you've fulfilled one anothers promise to have and to hold and you have truly lived a life of love.

Missing

As today marks day 23 of a personal nature, I'm tired of constantly having to live in a state of restrooms, being tired and now stumbling/feeling dizzy.  I still had 7 more days till my appointment.  With recent blood work showing my blood levels dropping and me running into more doors and walls, I made a call that ended with me right back in the docs office within the hour.  3 biopsies later, my crying out to strangers, many tears and even more pain, I find myself sitting here cramping and thinking of the one good thing I heard today... an unborn babies heartbeat.  As I walked into the restroom to "pee in a cup" I heard it.  I heard that hearbeat on the ultrasound behind a curtain next to me.  As I closed the door, I smiled as tears formed thinking how that was one of the sweetest sounds I could have heard at that very moment.  I've never wanted to have children, per say but over the years I have adopted and taken in many a child as if they were my own.  Some are still around and some have walked on but I do love kids very much and do not hesitate to give love and care for them deeply.

The part of me that has been missing for the past few weeks is me actually feeling like a girl.  I have hidden under ponytails, baggy, cotton clothes, no make up and no jewelry.  Haven't had any urge to go out, dress up and have any sort of attention drawn to me.  It's a very weird and lonely feeling to go through life feeling like you have to hide yourself.  I hope this medication helps and doesn't have the same side effects of the last one I tried.  Because when it's all said and done, I still have hope.

It's a Trap

Have you ever seen someone following so close in your footsteps that you almost feel like they're actually in the same pair of shoes you once walked in?  You want to push them down and tell them, don't do it, it shouldn't be so one sided.  Just realize you want something more and deserve something more... but that isn't how life works and that isn't how we get those lessons under our belt.  Pain is ineviable but it sure would be nice to soften it for others...

Sick

This has been a VERY tough year in the health arena.  Out of 70 days this year, I've been well approximately 21 days.  That is quite depressing.  Not sure what is going on with me but I haven't been able to get to gym or take on very much at all this year.  Making Sunday dinner is a pretty big deal and thank goodness I have help or that probably wouldn't happen some days either.  I've been sleeping a lot, taking meds and nothing was helping.  I went to Urgent care on my 3rd cold and he basically told me, I had to "get through it and there was nothing they could do." Nice.

Well after 3 weeks of being sick, I switched doctors and went back.  This doctor was much more receptive to listen to me and check me over more thoroughly.  She gave me a very aggressive pill regimen and by day 2 I was already 50 times better.  Now, (as of day 5) I need to stay well so I can start training for my 1/2 marathon.  I don't need another health hiccup to keep me from this goal.  I want to be healthy again and maintain a good weight.  I'm hoping todays walk goes well and this is the 1st of many workouts to come.

*here's to hoping*

Relationships

I was having a conversation the other day about people being in love, loving someone and falling out of love and relationship "work" in general.  People fall in and out of love every day.  It's a very sad and true notion.  You hear, "relationships are hard work" at every corner and while this may be true in some sense, the romantic side of me doesn't believe they are "work" in the drone, day after day kinda way but more like your ideal dream job that you long to run to every morning.  It isn't always peaches but at the end of the day, you're still pretty damn happy about it.  You go to bed each night trying to think of new and creative ways to make it grow, keep it fresh and in turn, it will make you smile inside and out.  Now THAT is the kind of relationship I want.  The kind where someone doesn't let the day after days get to them at ever turn or kink in the road but instead, decides to find some creative way to get through it, add some glitter and wade on by with a smile.  Life is hard. I'm not downplaying that for one second but if you allow every emotion, HUGE to teeny, to get to you and knock you down, life is going to be hard, not only for you but for everyone around you.  Sadly, you could be on a fast track to being alone...

The idea of falling in love and creating ways to continually fall in love, with that same person, over and over again, sounds like the greatest adventure to me.  And in no way, does it sound like "hard work" at all, not if you truly believe in love.

Yeah, it's kinda like that in my head. 

#promises

The best ring Chuck E. Cheese tickets can buy :)  Fun night with family!

#paper

My job is numbers and papers.  Here is an example of what many of the days of my life look like.

#viewFromHere

Finding the pretty, even from my bookkeeping desk.

#beginAgain

Randomness of Randoms

Quickie to get my week going.

I'll never understand double standards.  Although yesterday I was introduced to one from turtle.  I'm allowed to sit around and do nothing while she cleans.  I am not allowed to clean unless she is cleaning.  Weird and wonderful.

As each day passes, I am confident my feet are walking toward something again.  Turtle and I were organizing the garage on Saturday and I stopped and said, "I'm actually excited for this year, I haven't been excited for a year in a long, long time.  We both have goals set and plans in process."  She smiled and agreed.  It is a very nice feeling to have some goals and a positive outlook again.  It's creeping back in slowly and I'm very thankful.

So with that said, I had a hard week of being sick last week, dropped 7 lbs and I'm taking that as a start to my healthy track.  Started watching Biggest Loser last night.  I'll never understand why people go on that show to throw it all away.   There are so many people that would seriously push down little old ladies or kick animals to get on that show (I'm overexaggerating but you know what I mean).  I have picked my 2 girls to keep in time with.  I LOVE the gym and Turtle helped me pick out some fun new workout clothes and shoes.

Lots and LOTS of work.  Because of said sickness, I'm really behind on work.  No worries though, my focus is work, working out and working on our business :)  LOVE IT!!!

Hope everyone has a great week and I have my Photo a Day photos, just have to post them.  I'm hoping for tomorrow night. 

#streetView

New Years Day

Sick but comfy...

Work out to work it out

I really do love going to the gym.  For multiple reasons actually.
1) I am making a better me *yay*
2) I get to listen to music *double yay*
3) It kind of clears all the 'icky' out of my day.
4) Nothing else exists once I start my workout, makes for some really peaceful time.

The holidays typically take me away from the gym; between baking, craft shows, shopping and visiting, it just gets pushed back further and further.  I worked for 12 hours today and it was frustrating as all hell.  I wanted to eat a cheeseburger, fries, pizza, donuts, candy, anything to "calm me down." I recognized it VERY quickly.  I had no idea it was THAT bad though.  As soon as I figured out that I was going to need 2-3 more days to finish and get in order, I really started to panic.  I guess my body wanted to feel better so it immediately went to craving anything to give me some good endorphins.  Pretty sad, right?  I ate my "bad" snacks that I had brought to get me through and drank A LOT of water to try to fill myself up.  I'd really like to run the Tinkerbell 1/2 marathon next January-2014.  In fairy wings and glitter actually.  I think I can do it.  First things first though, got to clean up and clean out and I'll begin the running part by mid February. 

So there I was walking in the gym at 8:15pm (after my 12 hour day) walking away. I finished  my 2 hour walk, now on to pack for Disney :)